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Text Kingdom Hearts: The Abridged Projects (Rated R!!! And Occasionally X)

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Kingdom Hearts: The Abridged Project (Episode 1)

[sora's eyes open lazily, looking up towards the sky. He then looks up and is startled by Kairi]

 

Sora: Ah! Bitch! -Oh hey, Kairi.

 

Kairi: Sora, you lazy bum, I knew I'd find you snoozing down here.

 

Sora: So?

 

Kairi: Sora, you laaaaazy bum.

 

Sora: Hey Kairi, wanna play a game called

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Kingdom Hearts: The Abridged Project (Episode 2)

[A black screen appears and the subtitles to Sora's voice over begin]

 

Sora (Voice Over): Tonight's episode is all about equality for all people. Men, women, gay, straight, black, Jewish...uhhh, Latin...Puerto Rican, maybe. Ummm...black? Yeah. Aw, who am I kidding...get on with the racism!

 

[intro]

 

Selphie: Hey Kairi! Remember that time we did that thing?

 

Kairi: With that thing?

 

Selphie: And he had that big thing?

 

Kairi: That thing was disgusting!

 

Selphie: I know, right!? I wouldn't touch that thing with a ten foot pole!

 

[sora comes in]

 

Sora: Hey guys.

 

Selphie: Hey Sora, we were just talking about you!

 

Sora: Reeeally?

 

[sora's mind drifts off]

 

Selphie: Hey Kairi! Remember that time we did Sora!?

 

Kairi: Oh yeah! And he did that thing!

 

Selphie: And he had that big penis!?

 

Kairi: That thing was disgusting-ly huge!

 

Selphie: I know, right!? I'd totally touch that with my ten foot hole.

 

[Comes back to reality]

 

Sora: Yep, that's how it happened.

 

Selphie: Uhhh...

 

Kairi: Sora, what are you even doing here?

 

Sora: Actually, I'm looking for the plot, have you seen it?

 

Kairi: I think Riku took it and had sex with it.

 

Sora: And yet, I'm not surprised.

 

[scene randomly changes to Sora standing on the pier where it is dark and storming]

 

Sora: How in the hell did I get here? Did we just skip a half-hour with of gameplay?

 

[sora turns and sees Riku]

 

Sora: Riku!? What are you doing here?

 

Riku: The door...has opened...

 

Sora: What?

 

Riku: The door has opened, Sora!

 

Sora: Did you break in to our supply of shrooms?

 

Riku: The door...has opened...

 

Sora: Yeah...I got that.

 

Riku: The door has opened, Sora!

 

Sora: JESUS CHRIST, I GOT IT! ...wait...where's the plot? I thought it was with you!

 

Riku: The plot's coming with us!

 

Sora: Oh okay.

 

Riku: This may be our only chance...we may never see our parents again.

 

Sora: We have parents?

 

[Cuts to a scene where Sora is on his bed]

 

Sora's Mom: Dumbass, dinner is ready, come on down! Dumbass?

 

[Cuts back to Sora]

 

Sora: Oh yeah.

 

Riku: Are you coming?

 

Sora: Just so long as I don't have to grab your hand in a really dramatic slow-mo sequence.

 

[Cuts to the scene where Riku is in the ocean and Sora reaches for him]

 

Riku: Dammit Sora! Stop using flashbacks for filler! That's Naruto's job!

 

Sora: Sorry.

 

[Riku reaches his hand out]

 

Sora: I f*cking knew it!

 

[sora reaches and misses his hand]

 

Sora: Dammit!

 

[Riku is absorbed into the darkness]

 

[sora stands on the pier]

 

Sora: Okay, this is a bunch of bullshit! I am calling my manager tomorrow and-

 

[A giant key appears in his hand]

 

Sora: Shiny!

 

[Random subtitles appear]

 

(So much to do...so little time)

 

Sora: What the...?

 

(Are you prepared)

 

Sora: Am I supposed to be able to hear you or...

 

(Dammit Sora....just answer the question)

 

Sora: No.

 

(Sora...)

 

Sora: No!

 

(That's it Sora, you're grounded!)

 

Sora: So!?

 

(No Playstation 3 for a month! And as for your phone, forget about it!)

 

Sora: Nooo!

 

(Okay, I can't be that mean)

 

Sora: Phew...

 

(Yes I can...GROUNDED!)

 

Sora: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

 

(Hahahaha!)

 

Sora: ...you're a dick!

 

[Heartless pop up]

 

Sora: Well, this sucks.

 

[sora attacks a few, then the screen goes black]

 

[A caption appears saying

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Kingdom Hearts: The Abridged Project (Episode 4)

Sora: Hey kids! Guess what!?

 

[screen stays on Sora but you hear a deep, over exaggerated man's voice coming from off-screen]

 

Voice: Whaaat!?

 

Sora: We're going to be doing a very super-amazing-totally-not-a-cheap-knock-off-because-we-couldn't-think-of-anything-else episode!

 

Voice: What's it about?

 

Sora: I'm glad you asked, small child! It's about music!

 

Voice: Moo-sic?

 

Sora: That's right! Music! We're gonna have a singing competition episode!

 

Voice: Uhhh...

 

Sora: So after the episode, go to the comment section below and tell us what you want your favorite cast member to sing! If they know it...and it isn't gay-

 

[shows a picture of the Jonas brother's with a red

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