Text Naxeth the 15th member

[Omega15 12]

prologue: a distant memory

 

Naxeth opened his eyes as Axel moved closer to finish him off. it seemed long ago that he, Xanthe, Xianda, Axel, Roxas and Xion were friends so long since they eat see-salt ice cream together on top of the clock tower and it seemed so long since Naxeth began to plot against his own fellow members but as Axel finally reached him and was ready to end their friendship Naxeth new there was no way out of it...

Edited October 26, 2012 by Damien1000

[Rob 5,571]

Cool story, but there was never a 14th member.

[Omega15 12]

i know i had it that naxeth joined while xion was still in the organization and everyone thought she was a nobody. in this story there are 14 members

[Omega15 12]

chapter 1: birth of a Nobody

 

A nobody awakes in twilight town at the sandlot he knows nothing about himself or where he came from he began to explore the city. He then finds himself at the tram staion where he sees someone standing on top of the clock tower he thought he was going to jump.

 

Nobody: oh my god what do i do if i shout up to him he might freak out and lose his footing.

???: well looky what we got here

the nobody turned around to see the a red spiked hair man with green eyes and black tears under his eyes and wearing a black cloak.

Nobody: who r u

???: the names Axel got it memorized

Nobody: sure

Axel: and who r u

as the nobody began to answer he then placed his hands on his head and began to remember things. in the vision he saw himself on a beach with a couple of friends one percificly was a red haired girl with blue eye that sat on the beach and began to talk but the only word heard was Ethan after that the vision fades.

Ethan: Ethan , my name is Ethan

Axel: really. now let me check something

Axel looked around Ethan and then looked into his eyes then stood up with a smile.

Axel: yep just as i expected your nobody

Ethan: that's not very nice

just then Ethan's name appeared floating around him and then spun around him till axel freezed the word the name was different for it had been changed

Ethan: my name is...

Axel: yep Naxeth. the newest member in the organization

as Naxeth looked up his eyes changed from blue to red then back to blue again

Axel put out his hand

Axel: lets go

Naxeth: okay

Axel: that quick no questions at all

Naxeth: nope

Axel looked at him a bit then smiled

Axel: i think you and i are going to get along just fine naxeth

Naxeth: i hope so axel

Naxeth grabbed Axel's hand but then looked up at the clock tower to see the boy who was up there was gone. they then disappeared through a portal

Edited October 26, 2012 by Damien1000

[Kinode 3,056]

I'm glad someone writes fanfics in which Xion doesn't get raped or mugged.

Anyway, you should develop your writing a little, reminds me to much of a list of events.

[Miku Hatsune 636]

Hm... Not to be a stickler, but perhaps you should try writing in paragraph form instead of script form, that way it is more detailed and interesting to read. Also, use complete words. Example; instead of 'who r u', use 'who are you?'. Adding punctuation and proper, full words make the story sound more complete and official.

 

Of course, these are just suggestions to enhance your narrative. I urge you to continue.

[Omega15 12]

thanks for the advise i'll be sure to remember your advise and use it in the future

[Omega15 12]

if anyone has any advise for me on how to make my story better i would appreciate it

[Rob 5,571]

I'm glad someone writes fanfics in which Xion doesn't get raped or mugged.

Anyway, you should develop your writing a little, reminds me to much of a list of events.

 

There are fanfics where Xion gets raped? LOL

[Omega15 12]

Chapter 2: Saïx meets the newby

Naxeth and Axel exited the portal the first thing that was seen was a castle with a giant heart shaped moon which made Naxeth speechless. “That is a castle and its floating” asked Naxeth surprised as Axel walked beside him. “Yep what do you think of it” replied Axel but he got no reply from Naxeth as he was gobsmacked to see the castle floating. Axel then began to go forward towards the edge of the path which made Naxeth nervous “Don’t you’ll fall” said Naxeth trying to stop him from taking another step to the edge. Just then a blue see-through path appeared from the castle and reached the edge to which axel walked on it. “You coming or what” asked Axel who continued to walk towards the castle. “Sure” said Naxeth who then ran to catch up with Axel

As they entered the castle there were approached by a blue haired man with a X on his forehead “hello Saïx said Axel. Saïx looked at axel then turned to Naxeth “and who is this” asked Saïx “ah now he’s Naxeth I found him when i was exploring Twilight Town with Roxas” replied Axel. “And where is Roxas if he was with you before you met Naxeth” asked Saïx who stared at him which made Axel nervous “uh I’m gonna take Naxeth to see Xemnas see ya” said Axel as he dragged Naxeth away leaving Saïx on his own. “so Saïx that was the new member” said a pink haired man. “Yes Marluxia it is and you and larxene will have the right mind you’d leave him alone if you know what’s good for you” said Saïx turning to face Marluxia and teleports away. “Oh we will don’t worry” said Marluxia with an evil grin before walking off.

Edited October 26, 2012 by Damien1000

[Omega15 12]

i changed the writing form from an advice i got

[Omega15 12]

Chapter 3: the tour... kinda

Naxeth walked through the castle on his way to The Round Room with Axel to be introduced to the leader of the organization. "So exactly how many other members are there besides you, me, Saix, Roxas and the leader asked Naxeth as they passed a room filled with Cards. " well before you got here there was fourteen members soon some of them will be going to another castle that we have called Castle Oblivion. The members that you don't know about ill introduce you later but first I got to take you to see Xemnas the leader of organization XIV well XV if you join us" replied Axel. Before Naxeth could speak two shadowy figure appeared behind him " so who is this nobody that smells of light and darkness" asked one of the figures to which Naxeth turned to see a blue haired member and a tall blonde hair member. "Hello Zexion and how are we this fine evening" said Axel to which the blond hair member looked at Naxeth and began to smile in a sinister way " And I see your eyeing up the new member huh Vexen" said Axel in a joky manner. "how dare you be rude to me as you are aware that in this organization you are number VIII I am number IV and i will not have you talked to me in such a manner Axel. besides i am admiring this nobodies power" said Vexen who went from angry to calm. "what do you mean" asked Naxeth who was more confused then interested "you my dear are a nobody who has both light and darkness inside you when we get time I will need to run some 'test' that you can help me with said Vexen who along with Zexion vanished in a portal of darkness. " well looks like you made a friend and at a good time" said Axel kindly "but we better get going don't want you to be late to see Xemnas". Axel and Naxeth both continued to see Xemnas but unknown to them a Flamed haired girl in a green dress watched them as they walked off to which she then pulled out and answered the phone "he is here with them".

Edited October 26, 2012 by Damien1000

[Omega15 12]

Chapter 4 the Joining to the organization

"Good tiding friend today is a very momentus occasion. i am pleased to announce that thank to Axel we now have ourselves a new member" Xemnas say as each member looks towards Naxeth as he walks into the room with Axel wearing the organization cloak that the others are wearing. " let us all welcome him as the fifthteenth member of organization XV and i hope you will help him fit in say Xemnas. Naxeth look at the members all staring at him when he stops at the seat between Roxas and a blond women to see a hooded member "hey Axel who the hooded one" asked Naxeth to which Axel replies "oh her, oh thats Xion our fourteenth member". Naxeth turn to walk off as he does this a hand places itself upon his shouder " so your the new guy guess that means there's less work for me. says the mullet haired guy who smiles at Naxeth as his hand is pulled backwards by another member with a eyepatch on his right eye and a jagged scar on his left cheek. "annoying the new kid Demyx" Asked the nobody who twist Demyx arm behind his back " AH no no Xigbar i was just being friendly to him you know me" say Demyx who finally gets his arm back form Xigbar. " hm as if you are just a little chicken now run along little chick" says Xigbar as Demyx vanishes through a portal of darkness. Naxeth turns and look at Xigbar who smiles and retreats through a portal. Axel then looks at Naxeth and smiles as Naxeth looks at Xion as she walks through a portal of darkness with Roxas." so where are they going" ask Naxeth as Axel opens a portal "ll show you" replies Axel as both he and Naxeth both walk through the portal. as the portal closes Marluxia steps out of the shadows and talks to the blond haired girl "so Larxene what do you think of the newby" ask Marluxia to which Larxene smiles and electric sparks come out of her fingers tips " i find him fasinating and he could be useful to our plan". "I couldnt agree more my dear" says Marluxia as both he and Larxene vanish through two portals.

Edited December 15, 2012 by Omega15

[Omega15 12]

Chapter 5: the dark powers of NaxethNaxeth awakes in his room one week after he joined the organization he sits up only to jolt when he feels a sharp pain in his left hand and looks as Larxene is standing in his door way. "Well that seem to wake you up now didn't it there newby" Larxene said smiling as Naxeth hands clenched in to fist "what you do that for if you were trying to say hello you went the wrong way about it" said Naxeth glaring at Larxene but she does is smile and sends another jolt of electricity into Naxeth causing him to scream in pain as he collapses on to his knees "not so tough now are you newby, you can call this your initiation" Larxene says before shocking Naxeth again causing him to scream. "oh you are such a baby" Larxene begins to laugh as a dark mist surrounds Naxeth and Larxene is sent from the doorway to the wall as Naxeth begins to strangle her. "are you crazy, your gonna choke me to death you freak now let me go" Larxene say as Naxeth's grip around her neck tightens. Naxeth looks up as Larxene is shock to see That Naxeth looks different, she notices that his hair is now black and has grown to shoulder length, he now has sideburns similar to Xaldin and his ears are pointy with his eyes colour now blood red,"oh what's the matter my dear I thought you enjoyed pain and the pain has only just begun" said Naxeth who grins as he summons his keyblade ready to strike a panicky Larxene. But before he could a gust of wind and petals attack Naxeth and he is send flying and whacks his head on the wall he slammed into. as this happens Naxeth reverts back to his original self as Marluxia grabs the now unconscious Larxene. "you would do well to not let our paths cross again Naxeth if you know what's best for you" Marluxia says stroking Larxene's cheek as he carries her body away leaving Naxeth to wonder what he just did to Larxene before Vexen approaches him with a small grin on his face.

Edited December 21, 2012 by Omega15

[Omega15 12]

chapter 6: help from another

"well i am amazed to see someone teaching Larxene a lesson" says Vexen who helPS the Naxeth up to his feet and walks him toward his laboratory." but i didn't do it, i mean i wanted to but i couldn't hurt another nobody, it was if it was another me but that sounds crazy don't it Vexen" ask Naxeth who walks in to Vexen lab and sits as Vexen looks at his notes before turning and smiling " the reason for what happened is that your darkness is trying to escape your heart and with my help we can extract it from you to make sure what happened doesn't happen again" says vexen to which Naxeth looks in confusion "a heart but nobodies don't have hearts so how can i have one " ask Naxeth to which vexen turns back to his notes " you are special Naxeth, true we nobodies can not get hearts and neither can we feel emotions but it would seem that your somebody must of had two hearts within him as when he fell in to the darkness you were born with one of these hearts within you that was full of darkness compared to your light. now i have a machine that can extract the darkness from people hearts but I've always wondered what it would do on a nobody and i would be happy if you'd volunteer for me to find out plus you would be free of the darkness inside you" ask vexen. Naxeth got up and went to go to the door but stopped when he realised that his darkness could hurt his friends and he was afraid that he would hurt Xion if he kept the darkness and walked to vexen " okay im in, so what do we have to do" Naxeth ask as Vexen walks to a computer and presses a button to which a wall opens up to show a machine with two robotic arms and straps "step in and ill strap you in to which the arms will be plunged in to you to extract the darkness now that will hurt" say Vexen to which Naxeth steps in and is strapped in before vexen goes to the computer and starts the machine. Vexen then moves the arms as they moves towards Naxeth and then go into Naxeth's chest which cause Naxeth to scream in pain as a small dark orb is pulled out of his chest and goes towards vexen " finally i have pure darkness why with this i can complete my research and I have you to thank my dear Naxeth" say vexen as he goes to investigate the orb. As he begin to the orb begins to act funny as it begins to take a human form and glows red eyes which causes vexen to step back " but how can this be" ask vexen as the the dark human form takes the look of the organization cloak with its hood up. The hooded figure stands there before he removes his hood to which vexen and Naxeth are shocked to see that the figure looks like Naxeth but his hair is black and is shoulder length, he has sideburns that are similar to Xaldin's, he has pointy ears and his eyes are blood red. vexen panics as he is lifted into the air by the figure with his hand around his neck "wh... who are you" ask Naxeth still weak from what happened to which the man turns to look at him before dropping Vexen " my name... my name is Xanthe". naxeth weakened slowly falls unconscious as Xanthe walks towards him.

Edited December 15, 2012 by Omega15

[Obi-wan 411]

Makes me want to post my story. Well short stories to be exact. I got bored and it's typed up and not posted yet.

[Omega15 12]

Chapter 7 

Naxeth walked through the corridors of the castle and began to wonder about why he felt feeling for Xion when someone walked towards him with a smile and put his arm around Naxeth's shoulder and removed his hood " hello newbie allow me to introduce myself. my name is Marluxia and I was wondering if I might speak with you" asked Marluxia who was shrugged off by Naxeth as he continued to walk" no thanks I been told not to trust you by Axel and Saix and I think im going to listen to them. now if you don't mind im going to go see Xemnas and see what he needs me to do" says Naxeth who turns to leave but is whacked to the wall by Larxene who grins at him. "now my dear, that wasn't very nice"Marluxia said as Larxene stood next to him and giggled at the sight of Naxeth trying to get up still dazed from Larxene's attack " well he should learn better than to talk back to his superiors and I think he needs a lesson in manners. so I guess ill have to teach him" Larxene says as she pulls Naxeth up and smiles as sparks of electricity moves through her fingers " now this will hurt for a second but in the end you'll learn some manners" Larxene said as she moved her hand closer to him. all of a sudden a dark mist covered Naxeth's hand and Larxene was instantly sent flying and crashed into Marluxia who watched as Naxeth teleported away. Marluxia helped Larxene up who began to spark with anger" he's going to pay Marluxia"Larxene says wiping the blood of her lips" oh yes he will pay"                

[Think Pink 1,967]

Not bad overall, but you need to work on punctuation and spacing. A lot of this is telling, not showing. You need to SHOW the reader what's happening, not just tell them. You also should try to change the direction of the plot. Because right now this is exactly like every other "here's my new OC organization member" fanfic. It's just nothing new. 

[dusk 910]

It's definitely not bad, it is actually fairly interesting. The punctuation and grammar need some improvement and as Think Pink said, you should show and explain more what is happening rather than just giving list of events. Use lot more adjectives. Also your chapters are fairly short so you could spend some more time on one of them because those chapters are so short that they could almost be merged to two or three longer chapters

[Weiss 8,279]

Pretty much what's been said by Think Pink and dusk. My biggest problem would probably be the grammar. It could use some work. I agree that it would be more fitting for the chapters to be longer than the usual one to three paragraphs that they are. The story does seem interesting to me but could use a little more development. Good luck with continuing this. Hope to see more.

[Omega15 12]

Pretty much what's been said by Think Pink and dusk. My biggest problem would probably be the grammar. It could use some work. I agree that it would be more fitting for the chapters to be longer than the usual one to three paragraphs that they are. The story does seem interesting to me but could use a little more development. Good luck with continuing this. Hope to see more.

 

 

It's definitely not bad, it is actually fairly interesting. The punctuation and grammar need some improvement and as Think Pink said, you should show and explain more what is happening rather than just giving list of events. Use lot more adjectives. Also your chapters are fairly short so you could spend some more time on one of them because those chapters are so short that they could almost be merged to two or three longer chapters

 

 

Not bad overall, but you need to work on punctuation and spacing. A lot of this is telling, not showing. You need to SHOW the reader what's happening, not just tell them. You also should try to change the direction of the plot. Because right now this is exactly like every other "here's my new OC organization member" fanfic. It's just nothing new. 

 

thank you Think Pink,dusk and KeysofBlades for your advice and i will remembers this when writing chapter eight