Sorage55 10 Posted February 1, 2012 Hello everyone, after being off of the site for well over many months my longing finally drew me back once again. I hope no one minds, if I practice a bit of my old writing skills for some commentary and criticism. This is for a novel i'm planning on, but I need to catch up to my muse. Please comment, this is on the spot as it always has been ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- [untitled] You hear footsteps on the anonymous wooden floor which occasionally creaks at frequent or constant tempos. The air is sweaty, musky, rotten, foggy-yet it is transparent. Leather boots slamming and crashing louder and louder as they gallop their hosts across dirty floor. It is nightfall only the moon hasn't risen. This is a bridge, not a safe one at that. Yet there must be more than one man rushing across it tonight, desperate a fool they could be, or determined foolishless-ly. A bridge over black water as shade as a Raven's feathers and as ominous as the bridge that conquers it. 2 men, two boys-actually-dash through a fenced bridge as old as a cent'. What could be so frightening about a river? Or is it the bridge itself? Or is it the land in which houses both? Boys no older than 16 and 17, garbed in soft clothing, the younger sprouts a trimmed beard and long hair down to past his shoulders, the elder fashions shorter hair down to his chin which is shaven clean. The older tan, the younger pale. Halt as they did nay two feet away from a fierce dragon that lies asleep at the end-side of the bridge. A serpent-like body with pale scales and hair as gray as age. The dragon awoke at once in front of the two boys, as if by sense or inner instinct. Its eyes shined a vibrant Aquamarine, its fangs white as snow and tongue as bright and textured as gold. Any dragon would have attacked right then and there, but not this dragon, whom even feels from a distance as if to no harm come to those around it. "Speak dearly my children." spoke the dragon, its voice as echoing as if through a cave or from a great height, and rhythmic as the waves. "Beloved Moon, could you not cast your light on this world tonight? What ails ye O great spirit of night?" said the younger boy, seeming not afraid or troubled by any way at the beast's appearance. "I do face much trouble my children. I would shine for you, as it pleases my very happiness and destiny, yet to my discourage, there is my old rival the Sun whom chases me day after day. I beg for peace yet he does not listen, he blinds himself as he blinds us all with an impure light these years." Spoke the dragon with the pale scales, a mournful humm resonated from within his throat as he ended his speech of distress. "Great Moon, we shall see to it that the Sun be brought to justice for his blind anger." spoke the elder brother. And so the Moon was pleased and hid underneath the bridge as morning dawned on the two brothers, whom slept on the bridge itself for the night, protected by the Moon. When they crossed the bridge and walked to the tallest mountain peak in the province, they only stared at the sky and the clouds. This was the Sun's favorite mountain for it was taller than the rest, and no soul dare to stand on it un-invited for fear of death. The two boys each waited patiently till a burning wind rushed from the east and in came the Sun, in the form of a mighty dragon with bronze scales, wings as large as a house each, eyes like polished garnet, teeth as black as night and a tongue as dark as if coated with dark blue sapphires. As he landed, the Sun almost knocked down both boys with its fierce wind. "Who trespasses?" Commanded the mighty Sun. ----------------------------------------------------------------- This is, I guess, the first half if the shirt story that i've made up, if I get enough good reviews, i'll complete it. But it doesn't look that good. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baylaust 2,530 Posted February 1, 2012 Holy hell, you're back! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Cricket 1,180 Posted February 1, 2012 Oh wow, welcome back!!!! I hope you remember me! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sigrun 1,064 Posted February 1, 2012 writings a 6.5/10 you need to use a bit more advanced adjectives just to make it more visually vivid and have it blend in with what your trying to say clearly so your words can be more like art, with an aesthetic quality to it that the reader can appreciate. its subtle but it reads and sounds very good for your story. spellings good, and i love the way you used the metaphors by making the sun and the moon characters thats something, i suppose its some kind of mythology or epic poem? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sorage55 10 Posted February 1, 2012 baylaust- Yes. Cricket- I do. Oath_keeper14- Well, I was aiming for a fairy tale sort of way of narrating the story, it was very late at night and thhis was all my brain could muster heheh. Thank you for the criticism. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sigrun 1,064 Posted February 1, 2012 your welcome, i may add even though we dont know eachother since you were a member here that came back. welcome back and i hope you aspire you write more. its good and its ok everyone brain farts at one time or another. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sorage55 10 Posted February 1, 2012 Thank you heh, my embarrassment will get over once I write something better. I should know better than to write a story or poem late at night. 1 Sigrun reacted to this Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sorage55 10 Posted February 1, 2012 Part 2: "It is us, the children of the village of Oak at the request of Moon to calm thee, Sun. Be you now enraged as you seem?" Spoke loudly the first-born boy for the dragon spirit was very tall. "I should kill you now for even addressing me so foolishly, worms! I am what I am and you shall be sought for in the next life!" roared the Sun of all his might, trees and rocks split and swayed away at the immense energy bursted forth from the Sun spirit on top of his favorite mountain. The elder boy was not even the slightest bit afraid, but the younger had only a teardrop of fear within him, which he had hoped not to be sensed by the mighty God-like spirit before them. I must inform you now reader that they cannot see the dragon really, for he is so bright that their eyes would go blind from even looking at him, so they remained shut this entire encounter, and soon, BATTLE. The Sun came pounding first towards the two boys, making so much noise that they can easily know where he is and sidestepped the dragon. They had no plan to kill the spirit, bringing no weapons with them, knowing no spells and hoping only to speak to the spirit in persuasion. "Pray forgive us O Sun of this Earth for we are young and restless, yet we see your brother Moon in distress and wish only to aid you in returning to a happier sight." said the younger boy with a creak in his voice. The Sun grew even hotter and brighter now in anger, fangs and teeth barring, body flaming in rage so much that the area around him (which was only rock and shrubs) had all scorched up and turned black, and so even suddenly the dragon changed color and smell. Once bright yellow and gold, now a more rusty and paler color, and a smell of rotting flesh and burning wood engulfed the area, even though no bodies or trees were around. Even his voice changed suddenly. "I cannot be swept away so easily!!" The Sun could have destroyed the boys right then and there, if the sky hadn't suddenly changed color... --------------------------------------------------- to be continued, now i must go to school! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
