Rebellexa 0 Posted March 29, 2010 Just a random thing I came up with, it sucks. If anyone can suggest changes for improvements(I pray you can), lemme know. Sorry it's so crappy. And cheesy. ... Why am I posting this, anyway? [align=center]We're strange beings, aren't we? I guess you could say. Hearts ripped from our chests, Flung into the blinding day. We band together, rebellion may breed One rising up and leading others away In the end we die the same Nothing left of us to make way. We are nothing, we are not alive We exist only to ourselves Expression a mere fantasy Fleeting hopes escape the shelf. Some ask of us why we are this way Unfeeling monsters who steal the night Let me rip out your heart to show you That when numbness sets in, anything is right We follow our own rules We are the children of the darkness No one can truly defeat we who creep along Our nothingness nothing but relentless. We will return to make the world pay For treating us in this questionable way Who killed who is a game of strife In the end, we will win and no longer be mere lowlife. When we feel and become who we want to be We'll see that you who refused to see Will suffer the same way as we once did And nothing hiding you, not even your mere eyelid. So we will carry on Darkness cannot contain us We shall be free to exist No longer weak and forceless. We're strange beings, aren't we? I guess you could say. Hearts ripped from our chests, Only to return that one day.[/align] Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Giginha 22 Posted March 29, 2010 I think it's cool.As I don't know much about poetry I can't give you any tips,you could talk to Sorage,he must know something. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Rebellexa 0 Posted March 29, 2010 Thank you. ^^ Ah, okay. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sorage55 10 Posted March 29, 2010 Okay Sorage here to review your poem! *reviews* Ok...so it was a good poem, I for one could never think of ways like that, my style is more for rhyming and I see that you attempted that a few times. A couple stanzas I did not enjoy but most of all of it I loved. Try thinking of more "smart words" or "big confusing words" that makes the poem epic. Try for some archaic words such as thou, or thee, or wherefore (wherefore actually means 'why?' instead of where. Incase anyone diddn't know) Try reading some shakespeare like I do. (Check out the epic Shakespeare poem I posted up on this forum as well, Shakespeare Sonnet #70, http://kh13.com/mybb/showthread.php?tid=4763) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Giginha 22 Posted March 29, 2010 Sorage,I have to admit,you have a lot of patience,I can't even finish a Shakespear poem. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sorage55 10 Posted March 29, 2010 BUT THE ENDING'S EPIC!!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Giginha 22 Posted March 29, 2010 I can never get to the end. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sorage55 10 Posted March 29, 2010 BUT THE ENDING MAKES SENSE OF THE ENTIRE POEM! IDC IF YOU SKIP THE POEM JUST READ THE END!!! THE LAST TWO LINES!!! I'm very impatient sometimes T_T Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Giginha 22 Posted March 29, 2010 Me too,almost always. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Rebellexa 0 Posted April 3, 2010 Okay Sorage here to review your poem! *reviews* Ok...so it was a good poem, I for one could never think of ways like that, my style is more for rhyming and I see that you attempted that a few times. A couple stanzas I did not enjoy but most of all of it I loved. Try thinking of more "smart words" or "big confusing words" that makes the poem epic. Try for some archaic words such as thou, or thee, or wherefore (wherefore actually means 'why?' instead of where. Incase anyone diddn't know) Try reading some shakespeare like I do. (Check out the epic Shakespeare poem I posted up on this forum as well, Shakespeare Sonnet #70, http://kh13.com/mybb/showthread.php?tid=4763) Heh... it's not that advanced in wording because I just spawned out of boredom. I didn't think much about it. As for the Shakespeare, no way. I don't like anything that sounds like it came out of a history book. Might float your boat, but I'm more into the dark stuff then old-fashioned love songs. Thanks anyway, though, I'm not trying to be mean. It's just that thanks to my over-enthusastic English Honors teacher that I've had for two years in a row, Shakespeare is ruined for me. It's like writing something longer than normal by hand. In 3rd grade, my teacher made me write an essay over and over and over and over again for no apparent reason, and even now, seven grades later, my hand spazzes and gets tired when I go too far. It's a miracle I survived through my Writes end-of-the-year state test thing. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sorage55 10 Posted April 3, 2010 Well if anyone DID bother to read till the end of Shakespeare poem number 70, the last two lines go as this: " And if some suspect of ill mask'd not thy show Then thou alone Kingdom of Heart would'st owe." SHAKESPEARE IS THE OLDEST KH FAN IN THE WORLD! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Giginha 22 Posted April 3, 2010 He was a KH fan before KH was created. That's cool. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sorage55 10 Posted April 3, 2010 Its more than cool, its HISTORICLY EPIC! SINCE THE 1600's!!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Giginha 22 Posted April 3, 2010 Yeah! KH is the best game before even the video game was created. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sorage55 10 Posted April 3, 2010 Even Nostrudamus foresaw the making of KH and proclaimed "Holy Sh*T! Yo shizzle, thats some pimpin' game!" /shot Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Giginha 22 Posted April 3, 2010 You're crazy Sorage. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Rebellexa 0 Posted April 4, 2010 SRSLY?! ZOMG I feel so left out of the loop, though. Even though I study hard and scrutinize every little picture, video, and info I can get my hands on, I only have 358/2 T^T Now even Shakespeare was a KH fan!? THIS IS JUST UNFAIR Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sorage55 10 Posted April 4, 2010 I wonder which Org. Member was Shakespeare's favorite? Probably Zexion Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Rebellexa 0 Posted April 4, 2010 That's just cruel, Sorage. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sorage55 10 Posted April 4, 2010 Because Zexion is the most literate of the Org.? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Rebellexa 0 Posted April 4, 2010 GO HOME SORAGE Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sorage55 10 Posted April 4, 2010 Where do you think I am? -_- Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Giginha 22 Posted April 4, 2010 I don't know, maybe you're at the asylum? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Rebellexa 0 Posted April 4, 2010 No, he's at the DMV. REGEST-RING OUR VAN Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites