Web
Analytics Made Easy - StatCounter
Jump to content
  • Sign Up
The Transcendent Key

Bokutachi No Hibi (Our Days) A Roxas And Xion Story

Recommended Posts

Okay man, first of all, I am really glad that my fanfic inspired you! :D I can definitely see the similarities with this and mine. And thanks for that (sort of) shout out! xD

 

Now I am really loving this story so far; it has an interesting concept behind it. And who is Claire? Will she be explained later? I hope so. And I think we can conclude that mystery girl is Xion xD

 

Although, just a little heads up on narrative structure: Each individual character gets their own paragraph when speaking.

 

Example of correct dialogue:

 

"Where are you going?" John asked nervously.

 

"To the racetrack," Mary said, trying to figure out whether John was too upset to let her get away with it this time.

 

"Not again," said John, wondering how they could make that month's rent. "We are already maxed out on our credit cards."

 

See what I mean? Just keep that in mind for next time :) And try not to get confused with "your" and "you're". Don't worry too much about that though since it happens to me too. xD

 

Overall, really great job, Gold. Keep this up!

 

Peace!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This story is great so far. I'm totally for the idea of Xehanort being the principal. Since Aqua's a professor, are Terra and Eraqus gonna be professors too? And how about Xemnas? With the slow way he talks, I could totally see Xemnas as the teacher that everyone in class falls asleep to while he lectures.  :biggrin:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Ever thought of posting this story on fanfiction.net? I think heaps of people would enjoy reading it there. This is the sort of thing people like reading, so it could do pretty well. Nice touches with the Clannad OSTs; they suit the atmosphere well. I love that anime so much! It was amazing! xD

 

Sorry if it sounds like I'm nit-picking, but there are still some instances where the dialogue is clumped together. It's good to see that you're utilising that information though, so good stuff! But I'm just trying to help you improve that writing, which is brilliant by the way :D You're a talented writer.

 

Keep these updates coming!

 

Peace!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

1st. Xemnas was awesome!

2nd. FFXIII references are always nice.

3rd. He stood up and walked towards the living room, watching Vanitas absorbed with the video game he was playing. It seemed to be a fighting game, similar to the ones in arcades, with the exception that these ones had more graphics. Ventus stood there quietly for a while,ces.laying. It seemed to be a fighting game, similar to the ones in arcades, with the e watching his brother play with the PS3. -This part seems wrong. I'd bold the specific parts, but my Kindle doesn't like KH13 right now.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks guys, I'm glad you all enjoyed the chapter!  And forgive me for not liking your posts, my quota isn't being friendly to me right now. xD

Quota is Evil! If only it had a name!Back to point 3. Ventus stood there quietly for a while,ces.laying. This and: , with the e watching his brother play. This are wrong. Tyops are also evil.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...

×
×
  • Create New...