Firaga

Five Questions W/ The KH Cast

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Yes, yes, YES! The return is now! Back by popular demand (sort of), Five Questions is once again on the air and in your face, challenging everybody else on the internet to waste more time that it does! Just to let you know, things are going to be a little bit different this time around. And you'll see one of those things by reading the first episode. But, lets just get to that first. After its done, then I'll talk about the other changes.

 

Disclaimer: The following is a non-profit, fan based forum story thingy. Kingdom Hearts and all its respective properties belong to Disney, Square Enix, and Tetsuya Nomura. Some elements of the universe may be changed, some character personalities may be altered or be “quirky”, and some fictional events may be mentioned or discussed all for the sake of comedy. Don't take any of this seriously, its all for fun.

 

Episode I (8/25/2014)

 

In a studio, based somewhere in Hollywood... or Japan... or somewhere...

 

Various people scramble around the studio set as the first episode of the new 5 Questions is about to begin. I sit on my director's chair, as the cameras are turned on and the celebrities are in place, including the host of today's episode: a boy with super spiky brown hair and wearing an all black outfit, sprinkled with red and yellow, consisting of a hoodie, baggy pants, fingerless gloves, and big sneakers.

 

Seeing that its time to roll, I give the signal for the camera man to start filming, as my host gets ready to speak, papers in hand. The viewer, now, would be seeing a flashy intro movie, complete with graphics and colors about, reading “Five Questions W/ The KH Cast”. After the intro finishes, my friend Sora bursts into emotion:

 

“Hey, what's up everybody, its your pal Sora here, from Destiny Islands to Radiant Garden, if you have an internet connection... you're here. Why?” He began, raising an eyebrow to the audience after he finished. “Because this is simply... the most important piece of information... on the entire... internet,” Sora was doing very well at sounding sincere yet also hilariously over the top at the same time.

 

“This is 'Five Questions W/ The KH Cast', where you, the members of KH13.com, send in your questions, and we, the members of the Kingdom Hearts Cast, give you our answers. Sounds fun, right? Believe me, it is. But things can also get a little wacky here and there, and to be honest, I'm surprised you guys are tuning in to see it. We appreciate that. We really do,” Sora said with a smile, causing me and the other cast members to chuckle a bit

 

“Without further ado, question number one!” Sora said, raising up the papers in his hand. “This is from Keyblade_417... very clever name, I might add, and he says, 'Sora, in Kingdom Hearts III, you have to fight Xehanort and his new Organization'. No kidding. 'The Organization is full of bad guys you fought in the past, some of them you don't even know yet. Do you think this Organization will be even more dangerous than anything else you have faced before and do you feel like the odds are stacked against you?' Well, Keyblade, to be honest, yes. The odds are definitely stacked against me. I mean, we have Old Man Xehanort, who is just on all kinds of badness levels... then you have Braig, who is just a troll, and then Ansem and Xemnas and Lea's friend and all these other goons looking to mess with me too. Its a pretty tall order. And then you have me... just a live hard, fight hard, simple-minded son of a gun who just wants to get in there, kick butt, take a few names, and then go back to my island and hang out with all my friends. Its gonna be one big fish fry out there... and that's exactly what Donald said to Goofy and me before we went into Atlantica for the first time. 'Its gonna be one big fish fry out there'. And it was.” Following that last line, a rimshot could be heard in the background as more laughter ensued and Donald gave an approving nod.

 

Sora chuckled and continued. “Question number two, from MydeIX. He asks, “Hey Sora, Kingdom Hearts Birth By Sleep and Kingdom Hearts II are my favorite games and I can't wait to play them again in the 2.5 Remix collection'. Glad you're still dwelling on the excitement. 'Your fight with Xemnas was cool, but my favorite fight in the entire series is the fight against Xehanort as Terra'. I'm glad for your unbiased opinion,” Sora said with a little jealousy in his voice. “I mean, you coulda humored me and said that my fight was as good as that one, but you know... 'Xehanort is pretty tough and he can take a lot of punishment for an old man. Do you see yourself at that age taking a beating like that?' No... because as an old man, I will kick your teeth down your throat.” A fair amount of laughter came from me, the cast, and even Sora himself after he said that.

 

“Because at that time, I will be so grizzled and so upset at the world for making me do probably a bajillion more Kingdom Hearts games... that if somebody even looks at me wrong, I'll be arrested for assault and battery. You can believe that,' Sora said fiercely, straightening out his papers and looking at the camera with a wild but contained look.

 

From the back, Xehanort complimented on how with age comes wisdom, and Riku shot him down by saying “By wisdom, you mean senility right?” Riku then received a firm smack on the head from Xehanort as he told him to respect his elders. Kairi, also by his side, then face-palmed.

 

“Moving on...” Sora continued. “From 8DSmiles: 'On KH13.com, they're having a 'King Of The Hill' tournament between the Power Rangers and the Meow Wow Army this Sunday on pay-per-view'. That sounds exciting. 'What if you and the other Kingdom Hearts characters had a tournament with each other?” That sounds like a cool idea. But you know, if we had a King Of The Hill, I think we can make it even more special. Walk with me down potential pay-per-view lane: wouldn't it be cool if we had a 'Clash Of Franchises' King Of The Hill? One one side: Square Enix, with Kingdom Hearts, Final Fantasy, heck, maybe even TWEWY, and on the other side: Disney and all of its toughest players.

 

Sora then began counting off his roster for each side. For SE, he chose himself, Riku, Cloud, Leon, and Neku. For Disney, he chose, Mickey, Beast, Hercules, Jack Skellington, and Tron.

 

“And then in one night, where you will pay to see them all duke it out!” Sora exclaimed, now getting every hyperactive. “Friends face off against one another, and maybe we see upsets where, lets say, Riku is beaten by Tron-” Riku then interjects saying that Sora would lose to Tron and not him. “Oh no, you would lose to Tron, trust me,” Sora shot back, messing with his best friend as the cast and I laughed at Riku's pouting face.

 

“Anyways, you'd see stuff like that, and then at the end of the night, the best of the best from each brand square off... to see who would be...” Sora started to gaze off to the side as he said this: “The Virtual Video Game Superbowl Grand Master Champion!” Sora stared for a few more moments before deeply breathing to himself to further emphasize the importance of the title he just made up, much to our weird-out reactions.

 

“Heh. Anyways...” Sora got back into focus and shuffled through his papers for the next question. “SelimPride. Such a nice name. Selim asks, “Hey Sora, I read on KH13.com that a new music CD is coming out called 'Kingdom Hearts: Music In The Heart'. Its got some great songs on it, and if you pre-order it now, you can get an autographed trading card of you.'?! Shit!!” Sora exclaimed, surprising even me.

 

“You realize what this means? This album's gonna sell like crazy, I haven't seen the menu or heard everything on it, but I've heard its going to be a mesh of bands performing modified theme music for me and other people, what's not to love about that?! The bad part of this is... I'm gonna have to sign... like a hundred thousand freaking autographs... because its gonna sell like hotcakes. Like pancakes sell at the International House of Pancakes... dark days are coming for me, folks. And I thank you Mr. Nomura for giving me a short name, but a long sense of...” Sora quickly looked down at his pants for a second. “Personal well-being. I thank you sir.” Sora said, giving a quick bow to the camera.

 

“Did Sora really just say that?” Kairi then asked Riku.

 

“Yeah, he did. Still, I bet his sense of personal well-being isn't as big as mine. Am I right?” Riku responded, with Kairi simply face-palming once more. Riku tried asking again, but only received a punch in the arm by Kairi, Riku's short “Ow!” being heard almost through the camera's audio.

 

Sora continued: “Like I said before, I don't know the full details, but the album is going to be great. Because anytime we can get outside musicians who are pro-active about this franchise, who love this franchise, ala Linkin Park and their rap/rock song for Roxas, or even Seether doing a hard edge theme for Lea, come on people. The music is always quality and they get the message, they get the message that we want to send to you!” Sora cried, pointing straight at the camera. He then looked back at his papers. “And she also asks when my next CD is coming out. Good question, when is my next CD coming out?”

 

For those of you who don't know, Sora released a music CD called “Sora: Head In The Clouds”, a rap CD featuring him and other artists like Goof Dogg, Dr. Xay, Lil' Payne, Wakka Wakka Flame, and even Daisukenojo “Beat” Bito. Surprisingly, it was a huge success.

 

“Okay, so we've already getting music for the CD, and this is breaking news by the way. This is something you usually get on one of those mysterious third-party websites that you can't really trust. Anyways, we've started getting music for this... but give me some time, alright? I do have the daunting task of starring in Kingdom Hearts III, and uh, the movie “The Islander” is coming out, starring me, and uh... maybe something else on the silver screen, also, is in the works, another breaking piece of information right here on Five Questions. But we're still going to do some music. When that comes out is a coin flip. Give me some time, I'll have more info for you, but we are starting, the wheels are turning.”

 

Sora then shuffled through his papers once more. “Last question. This is from Ice Cream_SS. He writes, 'Hey Sora, I have a question about your Twitter page.'” Sora then began groaning. “See this? This is some frustrating stuff right here. But, we gotta go on with it.” Sora sighed. “'I really enjoy reading your personal blog-' Man, what kind of word is 'blog'? You know? It sounds gross, like 'I gotta go take a blog', or 'Ooh, its gonna be a really tough blog.' I mean, who came up with that?”

 

Then from the back, Ansem The Wise, 5 Question's audio engineer, informed Sora that the word “blog” was a combination of the words “web” and “log”.

 

“Web log?” Sora asked for clarification, which Ansem confirmed again. “Web, log? Yeah okay, but 'blog' is like 'blog'! Bleeeeeh... blog, that's horrible. But AW, thanks for the info. You always got answers for stuff like this.” The camera than switched over to one pointing in Ansem's direction, to which the robed man wearing headphones quickly waved and smiled to the audience before chuckling at Sora's praise over him.

 

“I mean, we only have five answers, but Ansem has 'em all. He just rattles 'em off,” Sora added. Then Ansem gave him the number “2.3478”, claiming it was an answer to question he hadn't asked yet.

 

“Okay, yeah. See, folks, to a question I haven't even asked yet. Its amazing, I swear. I'm probably gonna ask him that in like two weeks or something” Then one of the cast members backstage got annoyed and yelled at Sora to keep the show moving.

 

“Hey, don't-don't tell me to keep it going, don't tell me to keep it moving! We are the presence of genius! 2.3478, the answer to a question that I haven't even asked!” Sora repeated, now looking at the man with a strange face. The cast member simply told him something that the camera audio could not pick up.

 

“... I freaking hate you,” Sora said. “I really do. One of these days, we're gonna have an old fashioned melee. A donnybrook, a have-it-out, a pier sixer! And whether I'm standing or not, I will go down swinging!” Sora said, exaggeratedly moving his hands and arms as he talked. “You guys know who I'm talking to right now.” Sora then said to the audience and then pointed backstage to the person in question. “That stupid son of a bitch!” The man then asked if Sora was going to say his name aloud and embarrass him. “You know what, no. No, I'm not bringing your government name into this. Not gonna give you the press time, Captain F*cking Battleship! Andrew F*cking Cherenknov! Inspector Kenji F*cking Murasame! Leo-F*cking-Mon!” Sora concluded, throwing his hands in the air. “I hate you! Stop it, I'm getting to the question cuz it's very important. It-its just that right now, I might have excuse myself to take a blog.”

 

The cast member then piped down, but wore a disgruntled expression. The man in question of course was Xemnas, who seemed to have a problem with Sora praising his former teacher Ansem.

 

Sora then cleared his throat and went on: “I enjoyed reading your blogs, however, your account has been deactivated and is now somebody has it, it seems. Will you be back on Twitter?” Guys, you're getting this straight from me, the long of the short of it is: everybody on Twitter knows that I read everybody's tweets to me as fast as I can, because you know, you gotta do like ten at a time... its tough, but everybody's in and everybody is allowed to say anything, I'm never one-sided about any topic. I'm open to comments, questions, suggestions... anything! So there are people who say 'Hey Sora, you're a good kid, don't ever change, best friends forever, we finally made it, have a great summer!'... and then there are those who say, 'You are a piece of shit.' And that's okay! That's what freedom of speech is all about! That's what the interweb is for too... well that and, uh, porn... according to Riku.” Sora then looked backstage as Riku was simply grinning. Sora gave him a sarcastic nod and went back to the camera.

 

“Yeah, anyways, this is what happened: some guy who I can't quite find out because I'm not that good with computers or blogs hacked into my account, got my password, didn't like me too much I guess, and shut it down. Fortunately, another guy, who is a Kingdom Hearts fan and thankfully a fan of me too, picked up my URL and is operating it right now and he's gonna give it back. So will I be back on Twitter? Hell yes! I will not let the evil geeks deprive me of my constitutional amendments! Those being freedom of internet assembly and freedom of internet speech. The site will be back up, and more Photoshopped pictures of my face on the bodies of body builders will be there for your enjoyment! Just give me some time... just give me some time.” Sora said with a lot of gusto in his voice, tapping his wrist like he had a watch on.

 

“And with that, we are done with the first episode of 5 Questions. Things didn't get too crazy, but believe me, in the future... they will. They definitely will. But, we'll have a good time too, so make sure to tune it. 'Okay then, that's all folks!” Sora cried, crumpling up the papers he had into a ball and throwing it to the side of the camera. “'Til next time, I'm gone, and I still hate you!” He yelled towards Xemnas, pointing with both fingers. He then gave Xemnas a look before blowing a raspberry and running off, much to the enjoyment of the cast. Sora and Xemnas themselves even got a laugh out of it.

 

And here we have it. One episode down, hopefully a bunch more to go. You noticed all the fake usernames and made up questions right? That's the thing: I've decided that overall, each episode is going to be more heavily scripted so I focus on bringing the comedy and the randomness and all the other good stuff a lot better. However, I will still be accepting fan questions, but I'll only do probably one or two per episode from now on. So anyways, next episode we have Riku hosting, so drop some questions for him. See you guys then, and here's to Five Questions making its glorious return! :D

Edited by Firaga Sensei

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Back again, and this time, a little earlier than last time. I admit that the first episode was more spur of the moment in terms of releasing it. I got it done and I wanted it to be out, so I did. But really, I'm going to stick to, from here on out, releasing new episodes over the weekend. That means on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, you can expect new episodes of Five Questions to be up. Though I might save Monday for a "in case of emergency day" as well. Anyways, Riku's on the horn this week, so lets see how he does... oh boy.

 

Disclaimer: The following is a non-profit, fan based forum story thingy. Kingdom Hearts and all its respective properties belong to Disney, Square Enix, and Tetsuya Nomura. Some elements of the universe may be changed, some character personalities may be altered or be “quirky”, and some fictional events may be mentioned or discussed all for the sake of comedy. Don't take any of this seriously, its all for fun.

 

Episode II (8/30/14)

 

Once again, the crew and I are in anticipation of the next episode of Five Questions, only instead of Sora hosting this week, we have a new host, a person who made his presence known last week: Riku; he was older than Sora, by a year, with long white hair and wearing a yellow and white jacket, no sleeves, with blue pants, black shoes and a white cast on his left hand. Before I knew it, it was time to roll; I signaled for the opening cut and to intro roll.

 

“E-rah!” Riku called as soon as he knew the camera was rolling, big smile on his face. “The cover’s cocked, the devil dog is locked up, and we are back! Back for another organized session of ‘Five Questions W/ The KH Cast’, and yes, when I say organized, I used the term loosely. From here on out, things are just gonna get even weirder. But, not gonna waste any more time, straight to it!” He continued, displaying a surprising amount of zaniness to himself.

 

“Question number one. From DonnieBrown. He writes, ‘Riku, I wanted to get your thoughts on the KH13 Fiction story by user Sora. on KH13. I’ve heard many rumors that the way Sora. is portraying events and other KH13 users. What are your thoughts on the way that Sora. has written his parody story?’ Guys… guys… guys. Its entertainment. We’re out to have fun, both us, the cast, and the people here on KH13. And everything we do can be taken one way or another. I mean, you make a silly story about KH13, and then people are up in arms! You guys ever seen ‘South Park’? Maybe some of you do, some you don’t… they make fun of everything, I’m not even gonna go into the dirt sheet that they get on. We’re just trying to do a little bit of that. We’re trying to create some interest, trying to create some controversy, and just trying to have some fun! Have you actually read Sora.’s story?! It is phenomenal. Now, if any of you are angry at this… what can I do?” Riku shrugged. “This is KH13, this is how things roll. We’re here to do three things: bring Kingdom Hearts news, entertain people, and have fun. If you are offended by any of that… you might want to go somewhere else. A’ight? Until then, we’ll over here, having fun!” Riku then started spinning around and doing dances. “It’s a big ol’ party! Everybody’s doing the dance! We got the hoo-gow, the cabbage patch, we’re doing a little bit shakin’, moseying along the-it’s a fun time,” Riku immediately stopped horsing around and got a little bit serious again. “You know that I’m saying? But every once in a while, we walk the line,” Riku added, putting his hand out to symbolize his hand creating a line in the air. “Which side of the line you stand on is entirely up to you.”

 

The rest of cast and I were very impressed how well Riku handled that sort of question. However considering this was Riku, things could only go south from here…

 

“Question number two, from NewYorkGhost. ‘Hey Riku, happy birthday!” Riku smiled. “Thank you. A little bit late, it was actually a few days ago, but we’re still getting it done. ‘I saw on your Twitter page some pictures from your birthday bash at the KH13 studio house. Some of the pictures showed you pie-facing Sora and Kairi with your birthday cake.’ Yeah. It was sweet,” Riku chuckled, with Sora and Kairi watching and chuckling as well. “‘That was pretty funny. Did you get to do anything else on your birthday?” Riku then cleared his throat as I and the other cast members all felt our eyes go wide at what he was going to say.

 

“Funny you say that. Yes, I did. Can’t tell you exactly what it was,—“

 

“Please don’t,” Sora and Kairi said simultaneously backstage, ignored by Riku.

 

“—but I can a-tell you, that it involved… eighty Coors Lights, three bottles of Johnny Walker Blue, the internet, a Samoan… maybe a few females, a sand wedge, packets of mayonnaise… and pay-per-view cable. You can twirl that up in your pipe and, uh, make what you want of it, but I had a blast on my birthday. Thank you for asking.” Riku finished, winking to the camera, as I and the cast either felt like throwing up or were trying to not picture all the things that Riku listed off into some kind of horrible image. 

 

“Question number three, we’re getting close!” Riku called, holding up three fingers. “CapPeteMorgan says. ‘During the KH13 stream with Squirting Demyx and Flaming Lea, Demyx showed why he is one of the luckiest men alive’. Yeah, I know right, that guy’s got it made. But you know what? I don’t like him too much. He walks around like he owns the place… kinda pisses me off, yeah, I’m feeling you, I’m feeling you,” Riku said towards the actual Demyx behind the scenes who ironically shared that opinion with Riku. “Anyways, ‘Lea told Demyx that she was suffering from a chest cold.’Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm… the plot thickens. ‘She wanted him to ‘cure’ her with his hands.’ Ooh, okay, I see where this is going.”

 

“So do we,” Kairi chimed in.

 

“And it ain’t good. Not good at all,” Sora added, but once again, Riku didn’t hear them.

 

“‘If you were able to cure one female who had a chest cold with your hands, who would it be and why?’ and, heh, this is actually written here at the end: ‘Hallelujah, and amen!’” Riku paused for a moment to think up answer, while Kairi was already face-palming at what he would say.

 

“Everyday… I see things. I see a lot of females with not just one chest cold, but two giant chest colds. But I have found the one to heal yet? Hmm…” Riku then scoped the backstage area for the females that were back there, including the rather well-equipped Aqua, who immediately covered her chest as soon as she saw Riku’s eyes gloss over her. “That may be a question I might not be able to answer, now don’t get me wrong, I know these hands are made for hittin’,” Riku said, putting up his fists to the camera. “But best believe… if I find that one… with the most attractive chest colds I’ve ever seen… these hands will switch to healing.” Riku said seductivley, opening one of his fists to an open palm. “And to steal a line from the Natch… we’d go and heal all… night… long!” Riku said, motioning his palm camera. “Hallelujah. Amen.” he finished with a more cocky bravado, causing most the females to shiver with uncomfortable vibes, Kairi excluded because Riku knew what she would do to him if he tried something like that… instead, she face-palmed again.

 

“Question four, coming in hot. This one’s from Yellow Flash. He asks, “Riku, how did it feel to have a weird old man control your body for a while? It must have been really weird and unsettling.” Well, to be honest, it was weird. Very, very weird. Its actually hard to describe in words. However, if I were describe it, I’d use words like… dark… wet… mystical… lonely… wet, again… hazy… and ironically… uplifting. Yeah. Uplifting. I don’t know why. Maybe its because the experience has helped me see so many new perspectives on life, and then promptly made me, uh, never want to look at those perspectives again… because they weren’t exactly all that great. And I’m not saying that if you like these types of perspectives that you’re some type of weirdo… but uh, personally, its not my thing. I don’t support the act of an older man taking another boy’s body. Ironic how I have associate myself with people like that every damn day, huh?” Riku looked backstage at the various Xehanorts and sarcastically gave them a chuckle; they were not affected “But again, if you’re into that, then go ahead. I can’t control your life. But word of advice for some of you who are looking to engage in that type of play, and I say this experience with Ansem… once you’ve had a man inside you, you know when he’s coming. Remember that,” Riku said briskly. Nobody decided to react to this one, not even me. We just sat there and hoped that this wouldn’t get any worse by the last question.

 

“Question five. JonJafar is gonna close it out with, ‘Hey Riku, what did you think about your fight with Lexaeus AKA Aeleus from Chain Of Memories? He is a monster of a man!’ Indeed he is, and to answer the first part, it was brutal and I’m surprised I made it out because, again, he's a full-on beast. ‘He was one of my favorites from Organization XIII. Would you consider him the greatest big man of all time?’ No.”

 

We were all stopped in our tracks by Riku’s sudden proclamation, especially Aeleus who was enjoying his praise.

 

“The greatest big man of all time… lives in my pants and is named ‘Richard Hammerbush’. That, my friends, is a solid answer to a great question. Mr. Lexaeus is big, enormous, mammoth… but pales in comparison to Dick Hammerbush. Who lives in the confides of my pants… we’re having fun over here. We always do. And that my friends, is the conclusion to this week’s Five Questions. This is Riku and his best pal Dick Hammerbush sayin’…” Riku then dropped his papers and did a little point to the camera. “We’re done.”

 

Riku then nonchalantly walked out from the camera and back to his make-up room while the rest of us were either greatly amused, greatly disgusted, running to the bathroom to puke, or in Kairi’s case: laying on the floor, after face-palming herself so hard, she knocked herself out, while Sora tried his best to wake her up again. As for me… I’m just hoping that things don’t get worse. But then again: this is Five Questions.

 

Another week, another moment to ponder why we even let Riku open his mouth half the time. Oi. But anyways, next week, the master of face-palming and current unconscious person Kairi is going to host and answer your questions, so leave some for her below!

Edited by Firaga Sensei

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Kairi, I don't know if you remember the Rainbow Runs, but what are your thoughts on those? They were definitely an interesting weapon in your arsenal (No pun intended), but you never really said how you felt about them.

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Kairi, why haven't you and Sora hooked up yet? The hints that point towards your attraction to him and vice-versa are evident throughout the entire series, are they not? It must be annoying for you...

 

Peace!

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Here's another "Five Questions" episode for all you great people out there! I have to apologize, first off: I was having this episode being planned to come out on Friday, and then Saturday, but some other plans got in the way of that so it didn't happen. But other than that, sit back and enjoy the show. :D

 

Disclaimer: The following is a non-profit, fan based forum story thingy. Kingdom Hearts and all its respective properties belong to Disney, Square Enix, and Tetsuya Nomura. Some elements of the universe may be changed, some character personalities may be altered or be “quirky”, and some fictional events may be mentioned or discussed all for the sake of comedy. Don't take any of this seriously, its all for fun.

 

Episode III (9/7/14)

 

Once again, it’s about that time. Cast members are getting to their places, I’m sitting here in my comfy director’s chair, sipping on my root beer, and in front of the camera is, for the first time on this show, not a boy, but a girl. A girl with long red hair, a white halter top, pink mini-dress, black hood, and wearing purple and white shoes. Yes, this was Kairi, Sora and Riku’s friend, and the one who knocked herself unconscious last week.

 

We had about a minute before rolling and Kairi was fumbling with her papers. She had been getting a lot of flak in the past week leading up to her hosting this week; people thought that she wasn’t going to do a good job. Whether that’s true or not remains to be seen.

 

The minute was up, and the camera began filming.

 

“Ahem, uh, yeah, hi there!” Kairi stuttered and waved to the camera, clearing her throat. “Welcome to another edition of ‘Five Questions’! We have speed, we have clearance, we are here in the studio, can you hear the echo?! That’s the toilet, I’ll be in there after here,” Kairi blurted as her fellow cast members giggled at her wordplay. Apparently Sora gave her some tips on how to host before hand.

 

“I have questions, from you, of which I will answer, right now, but before… I do…” Kairi slowed her pace for a moment. “I just want to go on record and say that we are officially too controversial for the internet. And trust me, this is no lie. This guy… he’s so mad at us right now.” Kairi chuckled. “But yes, we are too controversial for the internet, and who deems us too controversial? Who would do such a thing? T-the list is long and distinguished, you’re probably thinking, like-“ Kairi counted off the people on her hand,-“DChuich, Aaron… or maybe somebody like Shana09, Weedanort… or… Aladdin. Yeah. Motherf*cking Aladdin. From Nowheresville!” Kairi then looked to Ansem. “W-where is he from, where’s he live? Can we please get a, uh, location for Aladdin?” Ansem answered that he was from New Jersey. “He lives in God’s Country? I-I-I can’t bury Dirty Jersey, and Hayner, I’m seeing ya, I’m feeling ya, I’m hearing ya… that’s a story for another day,” she said addressing Hayner, who also currently lived in New Jersey, and apparently had an encounter with Aladdin and Kairi in the past…

 

“Okay so…” Sora then interjected and said that Aladdin moved to California some time ago. “Oh wait? He’s not even from God’s Country anymore?!” Kairi asked, with Sora saying that she should just move on to Aladdin’s beef. “Sora, you’re right. Okay, so, basically, its gone rotten, long story short: Aladdin is the new head honcho, internet extravaganza… he’s got all the bells and whistles, I think he has a lanyard with his face painted on it, its laminated… that makes him important, I guess. And he says that we’re too controversial. He says the material of this show needs to be fixed and that its not worthy of the KH13 forums, and you know what, he’s right!” Kairi suddenly added, pointing to the camera. “We need to be tucked away and locked in a vault somewhere because its crazy!” Kairi said, throwing her hands in the hair. “How crazy is it? We’re about to find out.”

 

So far, Kairi was actually impressing me and her fellow cast members with her performance, especially with her jabs at Aladdin. However, some were starting to ring in doubts; Braig slipped that the first question Kairi had was going to be about horror movies…

 

“Alright, question number one,” Kairi began again. “TritonIsKing wants to know, ‘Hey Kairi, I’m a huge horror movie buff, and I can’t wait to see ‘Spy All Wicked’ that’s coming up later this month’. Me too!”

 

That response sent about ten to fifteen jaws to the floor. Kairi, one of the more feminine characters in our cast, is expressing joy in going to see a horror movie. It seems our female friend has some surprising interests.

 

“‘My favorite horror movie of all time is ‘The Shining’… all work and no play, makes Kairi a dull girl,” she quoted, sending a little more shock backstage. “‘Do you have a favorite horror movie?’ Do I?! Of course I do! I’m big fan of the horror movies and their genres, like ‘Friday The 13th’, ‘Halloween’, and even the new stuff is coming out, like say ‘Spy All Wicked’. But my favorite horror movie of all time has to be ‘Nightmare On Elm Street’, specifically… ‘Nightmare On Elm Street 3’. Why? Because Dokken did the soundtrack, and they rocked it!” Kairi then begun singing some lyrics and head banging to that movie’s theme song, “Dream Warriors”. “It’s on the very end as they’re rolling the credits, it is a must see… kinda shows you how ridiculous the horror movie genre got in the 80s. See it, live it. I also recommend the Evil Dead series.”

 

Kairi shuffled her papers and began to answer the second question as the cast backstage decided to think about what other unexpected things Kairi might be into.

 

“Numero dos!” Kairi said, throwing up two fingers. “CrocksBlocks says, ‘Yo Kairi, what up? I read on KH13.com that Extreme Keyblade Fighting, otherwise known as EKF, will be returning this Sunday on pay-per-view with ‘One Night Stand’. They actually had ‘One Night Stand’ last year. Does that mean that this year makes it a two night stand, and when does it become an affair? When does it officially become a fling? When does it start to get a little more than ser-when do we pop the question? When do we move into the house with the white picket fence, have two and a half kids and a mini van?!” Kairi asked rhetorically. “I don’t know, but I guess for now, we have another ‘One Night Stand’ and its coming up! Anyways, Crocks goes on to say, ‘Would you ever consider being a part of an organization like that or is that type of fighting not your style?’ Are you kidding, did you ever watch EKF?”

 

“Ah ha, this is where’s gonna crack!” Braig said from backstage.

 

“Well, I did, and I loved it!” Kairi added, as Braig simply blinked and stared in confusion. “They had all kinds of stuff. People remember EFK for being a extreme, over the top, car crash style, demolition derby, yes, they had that, but they also had-“ Kairi then stopped as she heard a buzzing noise. She then reached down into her pant pocket and pulled out her phone, which was ringing. “Oh um, heh, I should take this,” she said to the camera, answering the call. “Hello? … You know, actually, I’m filming ‘Five Questions’, it’s, uh, a weird time, can I give you a call back… Alright cool, take it easy,” Kairi then put away her phone. “That’s a first.”

 

As she was about to get back on track again, she heard some laughter coming from backstage and saw from the corner of her eye none other than Riku coming into the studio holding up his phone for her to see. He was obviously trying to mess with her and try to get her to screw up her first time hosting.

 

“Youuuu son of a bitch,” Kairi called backstage., immediately spotting Riku who was chuckling to himself, with Sora nearby laughing along as well. He must have known about it. Still, even Kairi felt her lips twitch into a smile after seeing her friends try to prank her. “You know what, we’re in the middle of a question, do you want me to bring your dirty laundry out, because I will! I will, but I won’t do it right now. And I won’t face palm either because I don’t feel like hurting my head. Anyway-!” Kairi turned her attention back to the front. “EFK was known for its demolition antics as well as its top-notch Keyblade action. It was a brand that was creative and sometimes went above and beyond the call of duty, and that’s what we all liked about it. ‘One Night Stand’ is coming back, and I’d buy a ringside seat, but its sold out! The only way you can see it is on pay-per-view… and who knows? I might show up ready to fight,” Kairi joked, trying to look tough as she gave the camera a weird look and wiped her nose, further weirding out the cast with her sudden tenacity.

 

“Question number three. CaelumMare writes, ‘Kairi, why haven't you and Sora hooked up yet? The hints that point towards your attraction to him and vice-versa are evident throughout the entire series, are they not? It must be annoying for you…’ Heh heh, figured I get something like this eventually. And just to clarify something: we, as in the cast, don’t determine what happens in the story, alright? We’re basically just actors being given a script. So neither Sora or I can really say if we get together or not, even Sora back here agrees, right?” Sora gave her a nod. “Right. Still, you have a point: we’ve been hinted at doing that for some time now, and no I haven’t been annoyed by it but… uh, if it were in my hands, then yes, I think it would be a thing. But you know, we’d also have to keep it PG of course. We can’t go too serious with it like, uh, a certain somebody would,” Kairi raised her eyebrow at Riku. “Still, I think Nomura thinks this is true too, and if or when it happens, then I’m sure a lot of our fans are gonna party like its the night after the release of Kingdom Hearts II! You know what that’s like Ansem, you were there.”

 

Ansem, being brought into the mix, decided to inform Kairi of Aladdin’s official title. “I have heard Aladdin’s new title,” she said, wearing a more down trodden expression. “It is ‘The Biggest Shithead On The Face Of The Planet Having To Do With The Internet’… is that-that’s what it is, right?” Kairi somewhat jokingly asked back to Ansem, who told her the real name once again. “Okay, really, it’s ‘Managing Editor Of Show Content’… so he decides what’s cool and what’s not cool…. KH13 members, your fate of style, trend, and coolness… now lies on the unbelievably suave shoulders… of Aladdin.” Kairi then reeled forward and covered her mouth with her hand. “I-I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.” That last sentence received a lot of agreement from the cast, including myself.

 

“Okay, lets move on. Question number four.” Kairi read the question to herself before reading it out loud. “Oh ho, boy, this is you. This is you, mean and the wall,” Kairi chuckled, pointing towards Xemnas backstage. “Harpoon565 writes, ‘Hey Kairi, I read the Xemnas interview on KH1-‘ Aladdin must be in charge, why? Because this stupid bastard has an interview!” Kairi cried, pointing to Xemnas once more, who didn’t feel like responding back. “How did you get on KH13’s home page, how?! … Hate you. ‘He talked about his new action figure coming out in December.’ Wow that’s only-“ Kairi looked at an invisble watch. “Eight million years away, might as well put him on the .com right? You might as well get a little interview about it? Eh eh?” Kairi mockingly asked to Xemnas. “Hate you. Anyway: ‘I have two questions: one, will you be purchasing the Xemnas action figure?’ Yes I will. This is why I will be purchasing the Xemnas action figure,” Kairi explained using her free hand to hold an imaginary version of the action figure. “So that Sora, Riku, and I can take our action figures and beat the living shit out of it!” Kairi cried, taking her other hand and beating it into her free hand as Sora and Riku laughed and hooted along with her. “I think everybody should do that. No, wait, you don’t even have to buy it for that. You how you used to duct tape M-80s to the G.I. Joe guys? That’s five dollars well spent right there. You need to buy the son-of-a-bitch and blow his head off. Alright? I thank you,” Kairi chortled, with Xemnas actually feeling a bit taken back. Fortunately for him, Isa was there to comfort him.

 

“And the second part of the question is: ‘What is the best action figure ever made?’ Hmm… I gotta go with the old school Mickey figure, mostly because I have a certain like for it. Also, uh, the Lea action figure was pretty cool too, with the chakrams and the red tint from the fire. There were a lot of good ones back then. They don’t make ‘em like they do now. Of course, maybe that’s a good thing because they used to make ‘em with rubber instead of plastic, and uh, that get messy if not handled properly. You know, they chew off the pieces of the body and… well… yeah. T-this is getting weird, lets move on,” Kairi said, abruptly shuffling through her papers and leaving the cast wondering what kind of kid would willing chew off the rubber of a toy.

 

“Do you ever do that?” Riku asked Sora.

 

“What? No, of course not!” Sora fired back. “… Okay, maybe once.”

 

“R-really?”

 

“Yeah, uh, I had the big Chenabog figure when I was a kid. I ended up chewing its wing off. But that was my favorite… I had a problem…” Sora said, drifting off as he felt his embarrassment build. Riku decided to drop the matter right then and now.

 

“Closing it out with question five!” Kairi exclaimed. “PuppiesOnIce writes, ‘I know in the past, Sora talked about this upcoming music album’. Qui qui, he did. ‘I also know that his Twitter is back up and he’s releasing new info about, but can you please give us an update on when your next album might hit the street.’

 

Yes, for those of you who don’t know, Kairi released her own music album somtime after Sora did. It was titled “Kairi: Waves Of Emotion”, a pop-rock flavored piece with a tad of soul and R&B thrown into it, featuring guest artists Lady Gilga, Tydus Cruz, Malefonna, and the sultry stylings of Kefka. Like Sora’s album, it was well received.

 

“Yes I can, and I’ll give you a place to get all the latest information on that… its a space.. that belongs to me… its MySpace! That’s right, Kairi’s Space at MySpace.Aladdin is now up and running, and that—“ Sora cut her off and said that her page wasn’t up yet. “Wait, its not up? You said it was up!” Kairi whined, throwing her papers on the ground. “What is your problem?! Y-You’re a fountain of misinformation… and a communist!” Kairi paused, as Sora just gave her a shrug and said that “shit happens”, she then turned back to the camera with a grin.

 

“Communist…” Kairi said, chuckling at her word usage. Sighing, she continued on: “Well, its gonna be up soon… j-just blew my whole big finish, you kn-you sunk my battleship. What can I say?” Kairi said towards Sora who once again assured her that the page would be up. “But yeah, MySpace is gonna be up soon, that’s where you can find information on the CD, until then, yes we’re working on it,” Kairi once again looked to an imaginary watch. “Maybe a year, year and a half… maybe a guest verse by Xemnas. Who knows? Until then, keep sending your questions, we’ll keep giving you answers and almost getting kicked off the forums. For just being too nasty. Don’t worry though, guys, that won’t happen,” Kairi finished, about to walk off set before remembering to say one last thing. “Go see ‘Spy All Wicked’”, she plugged, then walking off the stage for real.

 

The cast commended Kairi for her job as the host for this week. I did too, but I also took into the account the comments she made about Aladdin. Rest assured, however, that whatever Aladdin tries, he is not going to mess with my show. After all, he’s tried to do this before, and that didn’t work. Still, I’ll make it a priority to keep an eye on him…

 

And there you have it. Next week will be hosted by one of my favorite characters: Good 'ol Roxas. And based on what I have planned for him, I think next week will be one of my favorite episodes. So remember to send in questions for Roxas and lets make it good together! Oh yeah, and keep a look out for updates on the Five Questions team through my statuses. Sometimes we might have something interesting happen with them, trust me.

Edited by Firaga Sensei

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Welcome back my pals for another edition of 'Five Questions'! Sorry for the delay, I kinda kept forgetting to write this thing this weekend. I've been swamped with some other things so forgive me. Also we really didn't get that many questions for Roxas either. Shame. But still, the show must go on! And it shall, right now:

 

Disclaimer: The following is a non-profit, fan based forum story thingy. Kingdom Hearts and all its respective properties belong to Disney, Square Enix, and Tetsuya Nomura. Some elements of the universe may be changed, some character personalities may be altered or be “quirky”, and some fictional events may be mentioned or discussed all for the sake of comedy. Don't take any of this seriously, its all for fun.

 

Episode IV (9/14/14)

 

The air was a little uneasy this week, mostly because of the fact that Aladdin kicked the cast and I out of our studio in Hollywood or Japan or whatever. We were now filming in a less extravagant studio located in… you know what, I don’t really think that it needs to be said. We never really knew where we were filming in the first place. All we know is that this place is a lot shittier.

 

But anyways, the cast got ready to shoot and in the host’s place this week was one of my favorite members of the cast: Roxas. He had blonde spiky hair and wore a black zipped jacket over a white unzipped jacket with beige and black pants and red and black strapped shoes. He also had a black and white checkered wristband on his left wrist and two pieces of tape wrapped around his index and middle finger, one white and one black.

 

The camera started rolling and while Roxas was composed, he also looked like he was very serious. I could tell that whatever he was going to say was going to involve Aladdin and our new location.

 

“The feud continues… its us versus the world. Against the wishes of Aladdin, we are here again. And we’ve gone so low budget, that I’m next to catering. So you’re gonna hear plates, conversation, and we may even have a mysterious guest!” Roxas ranted, exaggerating our situation but still painting a good picture of how bad we have it right now. 

 

“Why, because they hate us. But we don’t hate you. This is the one place where the printers can print, and we can just sit down. If you’re at work: click on, act like you’re doing something, but watch “Five Questions”. If you’re a kid: maybe you’re supposed to be doing algebra. Get on and watch “Five Questions”. It’s ten minutes of your life… that you can escape! And get the answers to existence!” Roxas boldly stated, holding up the papers in his hand. “This is good stuff here. And I commend you for tuning in. In our anti-internet campaign, I start off the greatest Five Questions in the world. Suit up, friends,” Roxas once again stated boldly, catching many the attention of various cast members as well as the audience.

 

“Question one, from OogityBoogity. He writes, ‘Recently, there was a fight between Zola and Shana09 during a KH13 event. Have you ever-‘ …” Roxas stopped speaking and paused for a moment. “I heard about the fight at the KH13 event…” He confirmed, sighing to himself. “The next question here is, uh, I-I built it up too big. I did, I uh, I claimed earlier that these would be the greatest five questions in the world. But, here’s a guy… writing in to me… asking if I’ve ever had a fight with another KH cast member…” Roxas looked to the side, his eyes hidden by his hair before turning back. 

 

“What the f*ck is that that? Really?” He said, chuckling a little, but then raised his voice as he said, “This is what I do! I’m here! I mean, me and the other guys spend ten minutes out of the week with you guys just shooting the shit and relaxing, you know, cooling out in the cut, maybe we throw a fit, get a little crunk. Do a little somethin’…” Roxas then began moving around trying to act, as the kids call it, “gangsta” for a bit, but then stopped and went back to his rant: “But besides that I fight! Every fricking day! And I wish I could fight you but I never have!” Roxas said backstage, pointing to Xemnas of course. “But someday we will. Someday we’re gonna have a, uh, uh, w-we’ll take down to Pier Six! We’re skipping over Pier Five but we’re not quite getting to Pier Seven… ‘cuz they’re tough bastards over there.” Roxas then looked back at this papers.

 

“But the question asked here is ‘Have I ever gotten into a fight with another KH cast member and who was it’? … I won’t even field that question… play the damn games. Or at least pay attention to current events. But if I could somebody I haven’t fought… it would be Xemnas,” Roxas said, once again looking at his former boss. “And after I kick the holy shit out of him, Aladdin, you bitch, I’m coming for you!” Roxas added fiercely, looking straight at the camera. “Put your dukes up! We’ll go thirties style if you want, I got Jack Johnson and Tim ‘O Leary right here for ya!” Roxas baited, raising his fists up to the screen. “I’ll fight you any day you want, too, ‘Mr. King Of The Internet’. ‘Mr. Internet Cool’. ‘Mr. Doctor Of Style 2014’! Except you’re from Jersey… and you don’t know what’s cool…” Roxas began dwindling down in terms of intenseness. “Dammit!” Was his last line. He then asked if he fully answered the question and if we could move on, to which Ansem told him he did and he could.

 

“Okay, so, moving on. Question two, from ventusluv006. He asks, ‘Why did you say ‘Who else will I have ice cream with?" Was that really all you had to say to Xion?’ Well, yes, that was all I had to say to her. I mean, what else did you want me say? That I loved her? That I wanted her? That I wanted to give her the old one-two, maybe ‘cure her chest cold’, is that what you wanted?! If so, then all of you people out there can eat me… yeah. I mean, first off, it was scripted, so I didn’t even mean any of that, I was just playing the part. Xion, the woman in question, is sitting over here drinking coffee!” Roxas pointed out backstage, where Xion was sitting down in a chair, and indeed drinking coffee. She also appeared to be a bit camera shy.

 

“And second off, as far as my character goes: … its a metaphor. The ice cream is a metaphor for our friendship. The sense of… unity and trust that only me and my pals had was brought together by the face that we all ate ice cream on the damn tower together!” Roxas then slowed down for a second and began to speak more calmly. “I’m not stupid people. No, I’m not, I read and listen to everything you say, whether you’re somebody that wants me and Xion to be together, or if you’re just a smart ass trying to poke fun at me and the script… but you know what? I’m done with it. Because as far as I’m concerned, I shouldn’t have to put up with this nonsense anymore. If you have a complaint about that one measly line in one game, then send all your concerns to the man who wrote it, not me. And while you’re at it, ask him if I’m gonna be playable in KHIII or not.” Roxas finished and shuffled through his papers once more.

 

“Question number three, from GaryMFOak. I had a neighbor named Gary once… he moved away. He had an old school Mustang II… like the Cobra IIs, the ones that were worthless. It was always breaking down. My mom gave him a jumpstart once. She gave him something else too…” Roxas said, trailing off and trying to recollect his memory.

 

“Let’s not go there,” a snarky voice from backstage said, the voice belonging to Braig.

 

Roxas immediately whipped his head around towards Braig. “I was talking about a cup of sugar!” Roxas said defensively. 

 

“I bet that sugar was really sweet, too,” Braig continued to mock, which only made Roxas angry.

 

“The hell are you talkin’-… oh, you s-how dare you talk about my mother like that?!” Roxas boomed, with Braig just laughing it off. “You can put Braig-Braig is on the list of people I’m gonna fight,” Roxas said to the camera. “… That ain’t right-oh, okay what, okay what, he’s making fun of my mother and I’m just supposed to move on, I’m not even supposed to put it over?” He then asked Xemnas, who was egging him to continue to the question.

 

“You know what, what if I made fun of your mom, would that get us to fight? ‘Cuz I’ll make fun of her right now. I will,” Roxas joked, swinging his arm like he was ready to throw a punch. Xemnas again waved it off and just told Roxas to drop it and move on. “I hate you,” was Roxas’s response. “But, Braig, I-I-I’m only halfway sour on you, only halfway… because you’re a smart guy.”

 

“I know I am,” Braig said, inflating his ego.

 

“Ahem. Gary says, ‘I’m a huge ‘Survivor’ fan. Have you ever watched the show? If so, do you think you can handle the challenge of being stranded on an island with strangers so you could win the million dollars?’ I haven’t really seen the show, I know the concept. I would be horrible. Folks, I’m domesticated… yes, I like the simple things in life: cars, cold beer, nice slow bar with a pool table and a jukebox, the strip club, and once in a while a good medium rare steak, but I need these things… to survive. I would hop off that island and swim for shore. That’s it. I’d lose, I’d be the first one off, I’d say ‘vote me off, I’m done, this is it, I can’t do it’. My hat’s off to the people on ‘Survivor’, I see the stuff that they go through… its brutal. I couldn’t do it, I’m fully a slave to society. I’m domesticated. Count me out of the million dollars, it just wouldn’t happen… but is there a way to get Xenmas stranded on an island with Aladdin? Maybe we can get a show outta that,” Roxas joked, causing many of the cast members to chuckled (except of course for you-know-who).

 

“Question number four. DroolyMooly says, ‘I saw ‘The Da Vinci Code’ reboot this weekend, and it was okay. It seems to stir up some controversy just like the last one did. Have you seen it and what did you think?’ No, I did not see that movie. I was too busy seeing ‘Spying All Wicked!’ One of the most gruesome, disturbing movies of all time,” Roxas admitted, getting a pop from Kairi backstage, as well as a few other people. “You wanna know about ‘The Da Vinci Code’? I’ll tell you about it: I didn’t see it because the Da Vinci Code… is one, two, three, four. Its the same combination that I have on my luggage! … That’s why I didn’t see it! I would rather pay eight bucks or ten bucks or whatever the hell they’re chargin’, get the big over grossed, over buttered popcorn, Raisinettes, Goobers, jujubes, gummy bears, a Coke the size of a backpack, and watch a chick swallow a cell phone!! … Where could you see people getting mangled with hooks? ‘Spy All Wicked’. That’s where. I beat Da Vinci up in junior high, stuffed him in his own locker and changed his code. And he’s trying to get out, so he’s making a whole damn movie about himself. Alright? Yeah, sure he can paint… but what does he know about ripping people’s eyeballs out, huh? Huh??” He said, looking over to Kairi who was a little thrown back by Roxas’s rant. Roxas then starting laughing, trying to sound like a madman, but eventually he lost his breath.

 

“Breath, Roxas, breath! Geez!” Kairi said, chuckling.

 

“It’s okay. I’m cool… whoo… just trying to, uh, you know, entertain and what not. Okay then, last question,” Roxas said, holding up his papers. “WhitePond writes, ‘Hey Roxas, Disney has had a lot of great and memorable characters over the years. If you were to be a Disney character, who would you be?” As Roxas read this question he starting getting giddy, and then proceeded to laugh out loud after he read it. “The day is mine! This one’s easy… I would wear a fez… hang out with a monkey, a genie, and a carpet… and spend my time on my computer, ranting like a baby about how the Random section of the forums needs to be more orderly, and on the side, I would entertain ladies by swinging my monkey around, granting them wishes with my genie, and give them all a magic carpet ride… what would I call myself? So many options…” Roxas began rubbing his hands together, the others anticipating his answer. “I think I’ll go with…Ali. Prince Ali. The worst… character… of the entire Disney franchise, of all time!” The cast members began laughing hysterically. For those of you who don’t know, Prince Ali was an alias that Aladdin used in his movie. However, it was also used as a alias for when Aladdin began acting in other films; one such film that Roxas was referencing was of the… adult variety.

 

“A.K.A. … Aladdin. And for a grizzled four weeks of Five Questions, this is Roxas A.K.A…. Prince Ali, saying… we’re done.” Roxas crumpled the papers into a ball and threw it backstage, over the camera, and then went over to join his follow cast members in the riot he had caused over his last question, while the person they were making fun of… well, you know.

 

This is definitely going to cause our friend Aladdin to be angry with us. And even if it doesn’t, I have a feeling that the cast members will retaliate no matter how bad his reaction is. To be honest, I don’t blame him. Especially since he didn’t let me move out all my stuff before we had to leave the last studio… so yeah, at this point, all bets are off. Now we just have to wait to see what ‘Prince Ali’ has to say next…

 

And there you have it. Another week, another opportunity to make Aladdin look stupid. Next week, we're gonna have Roxa's pal Lea take the stage, so please leave some questions for Number Eight of the Organization. Go on now, you know you want to.

Edited by Firaga Sensei

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Hey Axel/Lea, have you ever heard of Five Nights At Freddy's, and it's upcoming 2015 sequel? If so, what would you do if you were the security guard? Would you get out of that pizzeria? Or would you set the Animatronics on fire?

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Oh boy... this is gonna be something, let me tell you. Let's just get right to it...

 

Disclaimer: The following is a non-profit, fan based forum story thingy. Kingdom Hearts and all its respective properties belong to Disney, Square Enix, and Tetsuya Nomura. Some elements of the universe may be changed, some character personalities may be altered or be “quirky”, and some fictional events may be mentioned or discussed all for the sake of comedy. Don't take any of this seriously, its all for fun.

 

Episode V (9/20/14)

 

Today was not a good day. Because of what happened recently, on top of us being kicked out of our studio only two weeks ago, the cast was solemn, and sort of a mix of both sad, pissed, concerned, and a bunch of other emotions. It was more uncomfortable than giving your friend a dildo for his birthday in front of his family.

 

Dildo metaphors aside, It was still time once again to change lives, five questions at a time, and as they say, the show must go on. This week’s host was what I would call a victim of the “One Night Stand” controversy, the man who sent Aladdin the prank email: Lea. He was a tall and slender man, with spiky red hair and wearing a yellow scarf, sleeveless orange jacket, tan pants, and red sneakers. He was usually a very uppity type of person, but after what happened to him recently, he was feeling rather disappointed with himself. Then, the camera began rolling.

 

“… First things first…” Lea started. “On the, uh…” Lea was trying hard to address the elephant in the room. “The, uh, aftermath of ‘One Night Stand’… I’d like to apologize to every fan of EFW and every fan of me… um, some of you who I might have left down, some of you who might not even be fans of me but fans of the EWF in general. Uh… I really do want to apologize… and, uh, I can only promise that I’m gonna keep doing what I’m gonna do, and if I offended you or let you down in anyway by my actions at ‘One Night Stand’ or whatever happened at ‘One Night Stand’, the best I can say is sorry. I will also add that an individual’s character is not measured by how much he thrives on the momentum of success… it’s what he does when he bounces back from defeat. I’m in knee deep shit right now. And I got two choices: I can take the low road and become a small piece of fine print in EFW history…” Lea took a moment to breath in, clear his throat, and stand up straight.

 

“Or we do what we’re gonna do… we get back on the mother f*cking wagon and ride it ‘till the wheels fall off, baby!” Lea said, suddenly exploding with confidence. “I don’t care if its ‘Five Questions’ without me and Terra as the champs, you here on ‘Five Questions’! Take the champs, kick it out the door, cuz we’re coming for ya, FBB! Whether it’s FBB, NBA, CIA, who ever’s holding that gold, we got some focus! We’re bad men, but don’t get it twisted, I’m the pretty one,” Lead arrogantly stated, smiling for the camera. “But I’m a bad mother f*cker, too! You get me once, it’s my own fault, you get me twice, I’ll give you some respect! But in your house, with your rules, with your friends… We knew exactly what was coming. My hat’s off to ya, FBB, you snuck one… these are my words, and this is going right on the home page, cuz they hate it when you predict this shit… ‘there will not be a second time’. We’re coming for you, brother… and as far as Aladdin goes… not even an issue, cuz if me and Terra are ready to scrap with two big ass Fat Bandits, we ain’t gonna be scared of no wimpy chickenshit in a fez!” Lea prouldly stated. His words were enough to get the cast motivated again, especially his tag partner Terra, who was hanging on to every word.

 

“Now then, let’s start the show. Question one. DeeJay writes, ‘Traveling around the world on tour with EFK as well as for Kingdom Hearts related business, you get to go to many places. However, I’m sure that you really enjoyed your visit last week to Las Vegas.’ Of course I did, its Las Vegas, baby. ‘You got the hotels, the gambling, and the beautiful women; what was your favorite thing about Las Vegas and what was your game of choice?’” Lea chuckled a bit. “DeeJay, you’re throwing me a softball here. We got poker, blackjack, and roulette, first off… and what is my favorite part of Vegas? Anything’s legal! Anything! And trust me, last week I indeed was… ready for everything, heh. So my favorite part of Vegas is that anything is legal. What is my game of choice between roulette, blackjack, and poker? It’s obviously poker, and hoping that she asks for seconds! Badum, tsst!” Lea blurted out, doing an imaginary rimshot and making the cast laugh.

 

“Anything goes, what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas, even Ansem popped on that one!” Lea pointed out, as the usual wise and quiet Ansem was indeed laughing as well. “Thank you very much, poker is my game. Oh yeah, and just to clarify: yes, Luxord was also at Vegas, and yes he won a ton of money. Thank you again,” Lea finished, giving a nod to Luxord in the back, who in return winked to the camera.

 

“Question number two. RedAmmo writes, “Dear Axel, I was not upset that you and Terra lost the tag titles at ‘One Night Stand’. Whew. Weight off my shoulders right there. ‘Rob and Bob Bandit are tremendous fighters, and deserve to be champions’. That I do agree with. After the dust is settled, I can take my hat off to Rob and Bob because they have had a long, illustrious career, and its a fantastic cap to that. Let’s just see what they do with it now that they got it. Ahem, ‘In fact, I screamed so loud when they won, I woke up my little brother’… okay, now here’s the kick in the nuts, heh,” Lea chuckled, with the cast and I already knowing what was coming.

 

“‘Would you consider this the worst defeat of your career?’ Ooh, ahh…” Lea pretended like he literally got kicked in the nuts. “As of now, yes. Why, because, uh… this was one where I didn’t really get a chance to show what I got and it was mostly my fault that it happened, I admit… and, you know me. I gotta go where the tide takes me, so to speak. Uh, anytime you lose, i-i-it hurts your spirit, and I know my boy Terra was hurting too, but we’re not the sort of people who can tell you who we fought six months ago or tell you if we won or lost how we did. We can tell you what happened last night. And as of now, we’re a little bit upset at what happened last night. So right now, yes, this is the worst loss of our career. What are we gonna do? We’re gonna look forward to today, tomorrow, and the next day. If we spend all our time blubbering about our loss, we’ll just be a couple of dumbshits. So focus up, look forward to tomorrow, and keep kicking ass, that’s all we can hope for, know what I mean? Know what I mean? Know what I mean? Alright,” Lea said, shuffling his papers to answer the next question, and once again, Terra gave his approval on everything that Lea was saying.

 

“Hank…? Why do you drink? Why do you roll smoke? Why do you live out the songs that you wrote?… There’s two Hank Williams Jr. fans out there, and both of them got it. As for the rest of you, I’m just wasting your lives, just like I do every week. Thank you for hanging on,” Lea said, putting a hand to his chest.

 

“I got it, actually,” Sora commented from backstage.

 

“You did?” Riku and Kairi asked.

 

“Yeah, I dabble in country once in a while. Don’t you?”

 

“No…” Kairi responded.

 

“I dabble in a lot of things, but not country music.” Riku said, with Sora and Kairi giving a simultaneous “We know.”

 

Back to Lea: “Anyways, Ultimus Grid asks, ‘Say, Lea, I know this is a longshot without anything confirmed, but what are the chances of you beating or saving Isa from Xehanort in KH3?’ Like we’ve pointed out before, we don’t determine those kind of things. We’re actors following a script and Isa and I aren’t really that close in real life at all. So again, if you wanna know these things, the only person who can really give you a solid answer is the big man upstairs. Still, if you want my opinion… uh, well, I don’t really think he needs to be saved nor does my character want him to be saved, really… and besides, Isa hangs around Xemnas too much, so that’s something to watch out for. Yeah, I said it,” Lea turned his attention backstrage to a now frowning Isa. “You better watch yourself, pal… hanging around with Mansex over there will get you nothing but trouble, let me tell you,” he added, raising his eyebrows up and down to emphasize his point.

 

“Now then, for the last question. Baywatch writes, ‘Lea, ‘One Night Stand’ was a great show.’ Lot of positive feedback for ‘One Night Stand’. ‘The matches especially and the fans were unbelievable.’ I agree to that.”

 

Just to clarify, the fans that attended ‘One Night Stand’ were divided into two categories: the fans of the new EKF and fans of the old EKF. The old fans dominated over the new ones, and they could be heard very clearly among them as the fans went on. The old fans were the type of people who thought the old was better than new, and going into Lea and Terra’s match against the Fat Bandit Brothers, they sided with the Brothers considering they were veterans and had been in the business longer than Lea and Terra.

 

“‘They were chanting some harsh comments at you and Terra during your match.’ That actually translated over the TV, uh, okay, heh. ‘Did they bother you or get into Terra’s head during the match, and was he worried when he fought the Brothers into the crowd? What was your favorite or most creative chant?’ Hmm..” Lea thought for a bit, deciding what he would say and also ready to give Terra’s thoughts for him; Terra trusted his partner enough to know what he was thinking and what he felt during that time.

 

“… You know, right when the fans walked into the building… like, as soon as they walk into the doors… FBB against me and Terra in the last match. As all the twenty-five hundred fans tear their ticket stub and sit down, the first thing they do… is chant ‘F*ck Lea and Terra’. Now, I thought that was pretty creative, but then the follow up, and they do this right after I leave too, is ‘Lea sucks cock’. I couldn’t believe just the… just the graphic… malice these people had towards me, heh. The crowd was intense and it was amazing. But it takes a lot to get in Terra’s head. I know that he was enjoying it, and he was enjoying it every single moment that they were enjoying it too.” Lea was stopped short when Xemnas decided to cut in, of course, and tell the viewers his opinion on what happened with Aladdin, mostly trying to get a rise out of him for screwing up with the email.

 

“What…? N-no, no, listen. Listen, you stupid son of a bitch, you-you’re just trying to book a f*cking cage match with me and Aladdin, everybody out there knows how I feel about the email and how we all feel about Aladdin.” Lea looks right at the camera. “He thinks we curse too f*cking much on the show, he thinks he’s in control of the whole f*cking web… you know what I gotta say to Aladdin, where were you at ‘One Night Stand’, huh? Where were you covering the scoop? EKF.com was there! Where was KH13.com?! You were afraid… you chickenshit. You were afraid, afraid of who? Not the fans… not the EFK fighters… you were afraid… of Mansex.” Immediately, after he said that, the cast went up into a quiet string of giggles and chortles.

 

Lea laughed to himself a little, maniacally like Roxas did before to boost the effect. “That’s right! You were afraid of Captain Battleship, A.K.A. Andrew Cherenknov, A.K.A. Inspector Kenji Murasame, and why?! … A.K.A. Leomon… and why? Because he’s a pussy… but you’re so much of a bigger pussy and you know he could beat the tar out of you!” Lea then looked to Xemnas. “Did I just call you tough in a roundabout sort of way? Alright, maybe we’re on the mend, maybe the feud’s over.” Lea chuckled to himself while Xemnas, for the first time on the show, smiled.

 

“Aladdin, if you got problems if this segment… we’re not hard to find. And I know what you’re gonna do. You’re probably gonna go on the internet and type up some little shit piece about the ‘Five Questions’ cast is too controversial and how they take the segment and run with it, but you know what? We have fun with this. These are the ten, maybe fifteen minutes of our lives where we can just vent to you guys,” Lea admitted, motioning his hand towards the camera. “And if there’s just five people out there every week, the same five who send us these questions, then who gives a shit?! Why? Because we barely get to interact with them that much, we’re so busy, so if this is another way for us to connect… then we thank you, KH13.com, for giving us the time to let our fans know that we’re alright, we’re doing okay, we may be losing it a little upstairs, but everything is still on the straight and narrow. And Aladdin? Shouldn’t have a f*cking problem with that. Let’s just knock that shit out.” Lea finished, walking away from the camera a proud man as the rest of the cast expressed their gratitude for what he had said all episode.

 

You see, this is why I decided to make ‘Five Questions’. It’s not about being silly, its not about being controversial. At the end of the day, its just a way for the fans to connect with their favorite characters and enjoy themselves. And it doesn’t matter what Aladdin or anybody else try to do about it. This is my show, and I’m not going to let anybody mess with it. I guarantee that. Aladdin can go and drop a bomb on us for all I care…

 

Well, that ended better then I thought it would. A lot actually. Now then, for next week's episode, we're gonna tag in Lea's partner Terra! Leave some questions and we'll see you next week!

Edited by Firaga Sensei

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