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Minato arisato

New Novel I'm currently writing (work in progress)

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I'm currently writing a horror/mystery novel, so far I don't have a name for it, leaning on the name Occult Escapade/Scenarios right now, anyway here's the first page of the book

 

tell me what you think about it, i could use some criticism

 

The sample page won't reveal much, but the theme of the story will revolve around the main characters fears and nightmares

 

 

 

I've lately been having thoughts or should I say dreams/visions, and it’s pretty chaotic, twisted, and somewhat demonic. Hell isn't what I would describe it because it’s much worse than what I could ever imagine, like what the hell is this coming from? I know I have problems but I couldn't possibly be this screwed in the head. Right now I feel I’m experiencing a dream, everything is erratic as I keep running from a void consuming the dimly lit woods as I keep running along the only path to keep progressing. I run and run but the path doesn't end, maybe it keeps extending for me to run, my head telling me to accept the inevitable.

 

Then, I noticed a fork in the road and quickly turn to find myself at a hill, as I climbed the hill once I was at the top the moon was only a few feet away from the top of the hill, it was such a bizarre sight, I stopped running to take in the sight of view, even though the woods were dark it seemed very tranquil with a purple fog shrouding the forest and the moon with its bright glow reigning down. I wanted to think that the nightmare subsided, and it did somewhat until I felt someone’s presence. When I turned around a man with a white tuxedo and appeared to be wearing an opera mask stood still for quite some time, walking towards he spoke and I took a immediate halt.

 

 

“Are you a new visitor?” Confused by the question I wanted to reply but couldn't it felt as I gone mute.

 

Instead, he assumed that I was a visitor of this nightmare we were occupying, and he came closer to push me down the hill but instead of falling on the ground, the bottom became the black void.

 

“Enjoy your stay in the abyss.” The man in the opera mask said as he walked away.

 

I reached out to the sky hoping it would somehow get me out of this black void but it was useless. I felt wind rushing on my back, and my eyes felt heavy as if they were accepting fate. As I was falling for a few minutes opening my eyes again to see a bright light on the horizon of the void, and it engulfed the void, while I saw that occurring I also heard a thud, which finally woke me up

.

 When I was awoken by a loud thud in my room, I stood in a slight panic realizing my brother, Flynn was the cause of the noise. I also noticed I woke up with a cold sweat with disgust I quietly made my way towards the bathroom to clean myself off. When I looked at myself in the mirror, I took a good look at myself with my shaggy brown hair, slight bags under my hazel eyes and little facial hair before I washed off my face and cleaned off the sweat, though I guess I should get to introducing myself first before going any further, I’m Lucian Aldrich and tomorrow I’m attending my first day to Easton university.

 

I haven’t got much sleep in a while because of my nightmares but Flynn usually wakes me up from them, so maybe I should be thanking him, by the way Flynn is my brother if you were wondering. Anyway back to the main topic: I’ve been having them more lately and it’s been getting worse, I’ve also lost track of when it started, maybe a week ago or later than that. The other day I saw a shadow approach me, this person was something else as I couldn’t see her face at point blank range, I was so scared by the sight of it, and I was paralyzed for a brief moment. 

Edited by Minato arisato

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First of all, shorten your sentences a bit. Instead of "I haven’t got much sleep in a while because of my nightmares but Flynn usually wakes me up from them, so maybe I should be thanking him, by the way Flynn is my brother if you were wondering", try "I haven't gotten much sleep lately because of my nightmares; Flynn usually wakes me from them, so maybe I should be thanking him. Flynn's my brother by the way, in case you were wondering."

 

Secondly, your writing style indicates a kind of diary setup, where the main character is also the narrator, telling his tale to the reader. And I can respect that, but it's breaking the suspense from the beginning.

 

Lastly, your sentences are structured like spoken sentences. You keep adding more stuff to sentences that can easily be their own. And while that's kinda my first point, the sentences also don't really flow right. Subjects change mid-sentence, and I don't think that's a stylistic choice. It feels like you're telling me the story face to face, instead of how a novel is usually structured.

 

Sorry, that was a little rant-y. All my criticisms are about your writing style though. I like the story, it could really go places.

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I kinda edited and added more stuff in the first part of your story (my computer is about to die and I can't edit all of it right now). You need to add more detail and more of a personal relationship with the character and the audience/reader. Most of your sentences are choppy and kind of lack the personal aspect that a character and audience should have. You also need to watch out for past, present, and future verbs, etc. It's a good story idea and I wish I could say more but I gotta go run and get my computer charger. 

 

 

This is what I edited though:

 

            Lately, I’ve been having thoughts and dreams – or, should I say visions. These dreams or visions get pretty chaotic, twisted, and somewhat demonic. Hell isn’t what I would compare them to, because they are much worse than what I could ever imagine. Honestly, I even wonder where the hell all of this is coming from? I know I have problems but I couldn't possibly be this screwed in the head, right? Right now, I feel as if I’m experiencing a dream. Everything becomes erratic as I continue running from an ominous void consuming the dimly lit woods I am frantically running in. I run and run, but the path doesn't end. Maybe it keeps extending in order for me to finally give in to the voice in my mind to accept the inevitable.

 

  Then, I notice a fork in the road and quickly turn to find myself at a hill. I climbed the hill and when I was at the top, I noticed the brilliance of the moon shining against the velvet night sky. The moon was only a few feet away from the top of the hill; it was such a bizarre sight. I stopped running to take in the view. Even though the woods were dark, they seemed very tranquil. A purple fog shrouded the forest, yet, the moon with its bright glow still rained down on the dark night. I wanted to think that the nightmare subsided, and it somewhat did, until, I felt someone’s presence. When I turned around, a man stood there adorned in a white tuxedo and opera mask. He stood there for a few seconds and then walked towards me. He began to speak and I froze. 

 

 

 

“Are you a new visitor?”

 

 

             I was confused by the question this strange man was asking me and I wanted to reply, but no words would flow out of my mouth. It was as if I had suddenly gone mute.

 

 

 

            Taking my silence as an appropriate answer, I guess he assumed that I was a visitor of this nightmare we were occupying. The oddly cladded man trudged closer to me and before I knew it, he pushed me down the hill. My mind raced erratically with the pounding heart beat in my ears from the fear that consumed my body. Why did this man push me down the hill? Why couldn’t I speak or make sense of anything that was happening? I tried reaching out for anything to grasp to save my life. Then, it’s as if the blurring scenery around me transformed into a black void – like the thing that was chasing me at the beginning of this nightmare, vision, or whatever the hell you want to call it.

 

 

 

             “Enjoy your stay in the abyss.”

 

 

            I could hear the man in the tuxedo’s voice followed by a small laughter whisper through the air around me. His words seemed to suffocate me.

 

 

             I reached out one last time to the sky hoping it would somehow get me out of this black void but it was useless. I felt a cold wind creep up my back, and my eyes felt heavy, stinging with tears of clarity, as if they were accepting fate. As I was falling, a bright light on the horizon of the void appeared and illuminated the void. While my eyes were adjusting to the bright light and I was trying to make sense of everything that was happening, a loud thud shattered the scenery around me…

Edited by Cricket

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First of all, shorten your sentences a bit. Instead of "I haven’t got much sleep in a while because of my nightmares but Flynn usually wakes me up from them, so maybe I should be thanking him, by the way Flynn is my brother if you were wondering", try "I haven't gotten much sleep lately because of my nightmares; Flynn usually wakes me from them, so maybe I should be thanking him. Flynn's my brother by the way, in case you were wondering."

 

Secondly, your writing style indicates a kind of diary setup, where the main character is also the narrator, telling his tale to the reader. And I can respect that, but it's breaking the suspense from the beginning.

 

Lastly, your sentences are structured like spoken sentences. You keep adding more stuff to sentences that can easily be their own. And while that's kinda my first point, the sentences also don't really flow right. Subjects change mid-sentence, and I don't think that's a stylistic choice. It feels like you're telling me the story face to face, instead of how a novel is usually structured.

 

Sorry, that was a little rant-y. All my criticisms are about your writing style though. I like the story, it could really go places.

Yeah I felt like a bit of the writing is a bit faulty, and it's a force of habit to explain a lot in detail, trying to break from that and i read novels to somewhat better structure my book at the moment. My concept of this story came to me on a whim February, i started writing in march so i'm not too far into it, thanks for input i felt like something was missing but also felt like i was over thinking if it was fine or not. Also looking forward to you having more input in the future.

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I need Advice on a certain piece of writing, really having a tough time with it

 

So basically i want the first chapter to introduce most of the main cast, since it takes place in america many people won't be out and about walking so i wanted to introduce of my characters by meeting them by the Gas station, asking the MC for gas money,

while another female character is introduced while the MC nearly crashes into her and she starts a commotion with him, and the whole thing is somewhat talked about other people at college 

 

Lastly another female character is introduced by the MC meeting her in one of his classes on the first day, while also encountering the other introduced character

 

how does that sound? 

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I'm currently writing a horror/mystery novel, so far I don't have a name for it, leaning on the name Occult Escapade/Scenarios right now, anyway here's the first page of the book

 

tell me what you think about it, i could use some criticism

 

The sample page won't reveal much, but the theme of the story will revolve around the main characters fears and nightmares

 

 

 

I've lately been having thoughts or should I say dreams/visions, and it’s pretty chaotic, twisted, and somewhat demonic. Hell isn't what I would describe it because it’s much worse than what I could ever imagine, like what the hell is this coming from? I know I have problems but I couldn't possibly be this screwed in the head. Right now I feel I’m experiencing a dream, everything is erratic as I keep running from a void consuming the dimly lit woods as I keep running along the only path to keep progressing. I run and run but the path doesn't end, maybe it keeps extending for me to run, my head telling me to accept the inevitable.

 

Then, I noticed a fork in the road and quickly turn to find myself at a hill, as I climbed the hill once I was at the top the moon was only a few feet away from the top of the hill, it was such a bizarre sight, I stopped running to take in the sight of view, even though the woods were dark it seemed very tranquil with a purple fog shrouding the forest and the moon with its bright glow reigning down. I wanted to think that the nightmare subsided, and it did somewhat until I felt someone’s presence. When I turned around a man with a white tuxedo and appeared to be wearing an opera mask stood still for quite some time, walking towards he spoke and I took a immediate halt.

 

 

“Are you a new visitor?” Confused by the question I wanted to reply but couldn't it felt as I gone mute.

 

Instead, he assumed that I was a visitor of this nightmare we were occupying, and he came closer to push me down the hill but instead of falling on the ground, the bottom became the black void.

 

“Enjoy your stay in the abyss.” The man in the opera mask said as he walked away.

 

I reached out to the sky hoping it would somehow get me out of this black void but it was useless. I felt wind rushing on my back, and my eyes felt heavy as if they were accepting fate. As I was falling for a few minutes opening my eyes again to see a bright light on the horizon of the void, and it engulfed the void, while I saw that occurring I also heard a thud, which finally woke me up

.

 When I was awoken by a loud thud in my room, I stood in a slight panic realizing my brother, Flynn was the cause of the noise. I also noticed I woke up with a cold sweat with disgust I quietly made my way towards the bathroom to clean myself off. When I looked at myself in the mirror, I took a good look at myself with my shaggy brown hair, slight bags under my hazel eyes and little facial hair before I washed off my face and cleaned off the sweat, though I guess I should get to introducing myself first before going any further, I’m Lucian Aldrich and tomorrow I’m attending my first day to Easton university.

 

I haven’t got much sleep in a while because of my nightmares but Flynn usually wakes me up from them, so maybe I should be thanking him, by the way Flynn is my brother if you were wondering. Anyway back to the main topic: I’ve been having them more lately and it’s been getting worse, I’ve also lost track of when it started, maybe a week ago or later than that. The other day I saw a shadow approach me, this person was something else as I couldn’t see her face at point blank range, I was so scared by the sight of it, and I was paralyzed for a brief moment. 

 

Minato, this writing is amazing! It's such a great concept and you're delivering it well! :) You should totally talk to me about this story all you want!

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