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  1. I just happened to go to a movie theater today and on the turn of a dime, I wound up watching this movie. I was planning on seeing Ant-Man originally, and I have to say, despite everything that led up to this point like he info. on the production and reviews from people who already saw the movie, I have to say that I was pleasantly surprised w-okay, you know what, f*ck it, I'm not sugarcoating this bullshit. The movie was trash. Depressing, uninteresting, not-even-in-the-ballpark trash. I can barely comprehend how trash it is at the moment. Were there good parts? Who gives a f*ck! There was so much bad that it literally swallowed up the good that I liked and made me not care anymore. It's that bad. It leeches off any chance for it to be good. Some people may think I'm overreacting, but I'm not. It's really that bad. And you know why? I'll tell you why right now. Without further ado... j-just listen up: Not putting a spoiler tag because I don't care enough about the story to talk about it without spoiling it. The plot is predictable and shallow with no sense of pacing, so if it's not going to try, neither am I. Spoilers all up in this bitch. Now, if you're not familiar with the concept of the Marvel superhero team, the Fantastic Four are Mr. Fantastic (with the power to stretch his limbs), Invisible Woman aka Mrs. Fantastic (with the power to turn herself invisible and make forcefields), The Human Torch (with the ability to surround himself with fire, control fire, and fly) and The Thing (with the power of... a giant orange rock monster that smashes stuff) who all gained their powers through an accident with cosmic mumbo-jumbo. They get matching outfits, and a pair of underwear/pants to cover up The Thing's rock-dick, and shenanigans ensue. Got all that? Good. Now, let's start off with the plot: a young Reed Richards (Fantastic) teams up with his schoolmate Ben Grimm (Thing) to create a device that allows an object to be transported from one place to another. They start this experiment when they're in elementary school and continue to improve it for seven years until they are eventually approached by Franklin Storm and his daughter Susan (Invisible Woman). Storm gives Reed a scholarship to his fancy-smancy smart people school to continue his work and perfect his experiment as he believes it can do a lot of good for humanity or whatever. Storm then assigns Victor Von Doom (who later becomes the 4's biggest villain Doctor Doom) to help work on the project as well as his son Johnny Storm (Human Torch). Blah blah blah, test run, blah blah blah they send a chimp in and he successfully transports to and back from another dimension. Then, on a very stupid and drunken whim, Reed calls up Ben in the middle of the night to help him, Doom, and Johnny test out the newly finished machine on themselves. They use it, shit hits the fan and they get slimed with some other-dimensional stuff and it gives them all, including Susan, powers, with Doom being left behind in the dimension, possibly dead. The film then gets all horror thriller on us as it reveals that the gang have been locked up in some military base as scientists poke and prod at them in the name of science. Reed manages to escape and then... *sigh*... cut to seven years later, and Susan, Ben, and Johnny are basically the government's lapdogs but have also mastered their new powers and perform special government-assigned tasks in return for the government helping them find cures for their altered states. Yadda yadda yadda, Reed is forced back to use the machine again, Doom's back, he's f*cked up, wrecks the base, the team chase him into the dimension before he can suck up the Earth through a black hole, fight scenes, escape from the dimension, and cue the happy/cheesy ending. Why yes, I did lazily sum up the plot like that on purpose. This movie doesn't respect my intelligence enough to spark any interest in me with its pacing so horrible that it literally feels like barely anything even happened and yet so much in such little time, so screw it, I'm not respecting its story flow. It's just bad. It's horrible even. And I can go on: the cast, while made up of good actors, is flat and don't resonate with you in any way because the movie doesn't care enough to establish their traits, motivations, or anything else interesting. They're all just wastes of space at the end of the day. Johnny is the only one I like only because Michael B. Jordan seems like the only guy having fun. Speaking of the cast: Doom. Motherf*cking Doom. I was very very very skeptical about his character from the moment he was described as being a blogger and surprisingly, his character was better then what I thought it was going to be, what with his cynical and almost anarchic approach on the world and whatnot, but even then, it's f*cked up because again, no development, and his plan doesn't even make sense. He wants to suck up the Earth and create a new world in the other dimension? How the f*ck does that work? What, are you gonna re-populate this world by f*cking some space rocks while the people of Earth and your only other chance of having inhabitants are killed by your black hole bullshit? Blegh. Did I mention this movie was depressing? Goodness gracious, these people are supposed to be superheroes with awesome powers and yet they're always talking about getting rid of their powers and being sad/mad about their current lives and about how the government is holding them down and other mooding and brooding of that dumbass variety. This is "Daredevil" levels of sucking the fun out of being a superhero and is easily the worst offender of this movie overall. What can I even say I liked about this movie overall at this point? Some decent visuals? One or two action scenes that looked cool? Character interaction that was good and went somewhere? Doesn't matter. All of that is taken away as soon as you remember that everything besides that stuff is horrible. Now you're probably wondering: "Geez, Firaga, what is the deal?" I'll tell you what the deal is: this is simply unacceptable. This is 2015! We're past the dark ages of the early 2000s where superhero movies were either giant broodfests, asnine shitfests, or both. Bigger and better Marvel movies, Hell, better movies about superheroes in general are far superior than what this trite was trying to be. It is a waste of time. It doesn't even have a leg to stand on, and frankly, I'm already sick of talking about it. "Fant4stic" gets a non-fantastic 4 out of 10.
  2. For those of you who don't know, 20th Century Fox, AKA a company who hits and misses at making good superhero movies, is going to make a reboot of Fantastic Four, slated to be released in 2015. Earlier this year, it was revealed that Michael B. Jordan would be cast as Johnny Storm AKA The Human Torch; naturally, people were up in arms about an African-Amercian actor playing a character who was originally Caucasian. Just like the situation with Electro in TASM2, I have no qualms against this; I don't see race, I see quality acting and portraying the essence of the character right, and as long as Jordan can do that, I don't care what race he is. That was pretty much the biggest amount of news we got out of the movie, until recently however... http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/heat-vision/fantastic-four-reboot-turns-doctor-748169 So now we know a few more things about the movie: we know the main cast, which is made up considerably younger actors than we got in the original movies. People are also worried about this, but hey, the movie is based on Ultimate FF, so I can live with it... what I can't live with however is this: it was reported that Doctor Doom, directly from the actor portraying Doom himself, Tony Kebbell, would have a major character change. What is the change you ask? Instead of being a hardened dictator of his country Latveria... he's going to be a anti-social programmer... who uses the name "Doom" on blog websites... if you can't tell, this is the part where I blow my stack. WHAT?! A programmer?! Are you shitting me right now, Fox? You're taking one of the most hardcore Marvel villains in the entire franchise and turning him into a programmer?! Who uses his super villain name on blogs?! Okay, this is where the thread goes from me talking about the movie into me stating what is wrong with Fox and every other Hollywood studio making superhero movies: they need to stop doing this. They need to stop throwing in their garbage ideas into the source material they're using and just do the characters and stories right. We don't need any of this crap. We don't need crap like Shane Black trying to pull a Shamalan in Iron Man 3 by turning the Mandarin into a joke, we don't need the Sandman to be sympathetic and Uncle Ben's true murderer in Spider Man 3, and we especially don't need Deadpool being turned into a boring ass slaughter of his original character in X-Men Origins: Wolverine! Yes, I know I'm probably making a mountain out of a molehill, and the movie isn't out yet, but I don't care. Hollywood sucks at trying to be "different" or "clever" with superhero movies. I listed all the worst examples in the last paragraph, you know this to be true! What's to say this Doctor Doom idea won't blow? Hell, it might be so bad that it brings down the entire movie itself, adding yet another failure Fox's FF collection. It's a damn shame if that happens too, because we've had a great run with superhero flicks lately, especially with the MCU, so the new FF has the potential to f*ck all of that up. So yeah, the "tl;dr" version is: Doctor Doom being a programmer is a terrible idea... on paper, that is. I'm gonna play devil's advocate and say that, you know, it'll be best to see this idea in execution before truly judging it. To be fair, none of the other examples I listed sounded good on paper either, and in execution they were no different... so yeah, I'm not banking on success with this one.
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