Wolfgang 735 Posted February 22, 2012 -If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat. The blockage is almost instantly removed. -A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep. -Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the firetrucking thing in the first place, you bastards. -Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimbleful of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall. -Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath. -Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it before jumping in. -Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view. -Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner. -Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic. -An empty aluminum cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator. -Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower. -Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the toilet seat by simply going in the sink. -Invited by vegetarians for dinner? As you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak. -Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for. -Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order. -High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. -Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your loft. -Have all your dumps at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
