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Wolfgang

Useful Tips

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-If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat. The blockage is almost instantly removed.

-A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

-Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the firetrucking thing in the first place, you bastards.

-Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimbleful of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

-Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

-Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it before jumping in.

-Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

-Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

-Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.

-An empty aluminum cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

-Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.

-Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the toilet seat by simply going in the sink.

-Invited by vegetarians for dinner? As you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

-Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.

-Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order.

-High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

-Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your loft.

-Have all your dumps at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

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