Over the summer I was at a party with my buddies and before I passed out one them had said in passing to me that "I notice you have a lot of anger in you". The rest of that night was hazy because of course we were partying. However that single sentence stood out in my mind because he spoke the truth. You see 2012/2013 have probably been the worst two years of my life. I feel like I've sacrificed everything to ensure the happiness of others. I've done everything to put smiles on everyone my friends, loved ones, even my own family. Maybe this is Gods plan and maybe not. All I know is the end result that I've sacrificed my own happiness and as I'm reflecting this entire year I realize what a toll it's taken on me. My kindness has given me nothing but another negative emotion to repress. I've built this bubble around my emotions which beneath lies almost 20 years of fury and resentment. I am not an emotional guy so I don't do outbursts, and I've only cried 3 times in the past 11 years. I keep my feelings inside as it helps me from saying or doing things that hurt those for whom I care for.
Today as I started the night off New Years celebration style and reflect on the years events some of that anger has begun to boil over the edge. The change I've gone through became apparent during a phone conversation I had earlier tonight. I saw mixed feelings where there used to be none, and a distance from where I am now to where I used to be.If I were to be completely honest with myself I would admit that I distanced myself from others to avoid what I've been feeling towards so many others lately.
I'm not really sure why I've written this (not even entirely sure I've written a cohesive paragraph) perhaps it is the alcohol talking. Maybe its just a bunch of stuff I needed of my chest and you guys were the first audience. Maybe what I'm really admitting is the reason I came back to KH13 to renew the connections I had severed when my resentment of the place became too much. If I can learn to let go of the resentment and anger on here I can do it with everyone else. I feel like only then can I begin to rebuild my own happiness.
Thanks for listening no need to try and make me feel better. I don't need or want sympathy. My mom used to tell me sympathy lies between shit and syphillis in the dictionary. It was a pretty crude thing to say at that age but I've lived by that code all my life lol. This something I need to conquer on my own as I've done with any other obstacle in my way. I just know its time to let go of some of my anger and I think KH13 is the place to start.
Over the summer I was at a party with my buddies and before I passed out one them had said in passing to me that "I notice you have a lot of anger in you". The rest of that night was hazy because of course we were partying. However that single sentence stood out in my mind because he spoke the truth. You see 2012/2013 have probably been the worst two years of my life. I feel like I've sacrificed everything to ensure the happiness of others. I've done everything to put smiles on everyone my friends, loved ones, even my own family. Maybe this is Gods plan and maybe not. All I know is the end result that I've sacrificed my own happiness and as I'm reflecting this entire year I realize what a toll it's taken on me. My kindness has given me nothing but another negative emotion to repress. I've built this bubble around my emotions which beneath lies almost 20 years of fury and resentment. I am not an emotional guy so I don't do outbursts, and I've only cried 3 times in the past 11 years. I keep my feelings inside as it helps me from saying or doing things that hurt those for whom I care for.
Today as I started the night off New Years celebration style and reflect on the years events some of that anger has begun to boil over the edge. The change I've gone through became apparent during a phone conversation I had earlier tonight. I saw mixed feelings where there used to be none, and a distance from where I am now to where I used to be.If I were to be completely honest with myself I would admit that I distanced myself from others to avoid what I've been feeling towards so many others lately.
I'm not really sure why I've written this (not even entirely sure I've written a cohesive paragraph) perhaps it is the alcohol talking. Maybe its just a bunch of stuff I needed of my chest and you guys were the first audience. Maybe what I'm really admitting is the reason I came back to KH13 to renew the connections I had severed when my resentment of the place became too much. If I can learn to let go of the resentment and anger on here I can do it with everyone else. I feel like only then can I begin to rebuild my own happiness.
Thanks for listening no need to try and make me feel better. I don't need or want sympathy. My mom used to tell me sympathy lies between shit and syphillis in the dictionary. It was a pretty crude thing to say at that age but I've lived by that code all my life lol. This something I need to conquer on my own as I've done with any other obstacle in my way. I just know its time to let go of some of my anger and I think KH13 is the place to start.