Introduction

 

"Takun, time to go to the birthday party!". "Be right there mom." Takun runs down his stairs, happy as can be. I finally got invited to a girl's party, FINALLY. He wears a look of triumph on his face, and also his best clothes. Nothing could make this day go wrong. *crash*. A window is broken in the kitchen, and a masked man hops through the broken window. He brushes the glass off of himself, and pulls a gun out from the waist of his pants. He walks into the living room and points his gun at first Takun, and then his mother. "TAKUN! RUN NOW!". Takun didn't want to run, he wanted to save his mom. "MOM!". Takun runs at the man, and knocks him into a wall. The man drops the gun and falls on the floor, and Takun drops to grab it. Before his hands touch it, the masked man's hands were already on it. They began a struggle for a weapon, rolling across the floor and punching each other, trying to pull the weapon away from their opposite. Takun and the man happen to roll over towards his mom, and a bright flash comes from the gun, and his mom is dead on the floor. The man gets up, not caring about his gun, and busts down the front door, and runs off. Takun on the floor, holding the gun, in complete shock. Police come rushing in through the broken down front door, and surround Takun, pointing their guns at him. I don't want to live anymore, somebody kill me. God, please kill me. KILL ME!.

Thats really good!

Thanks man, I'll write Chapter 1 tomorrow.

 

Chapter 1: Enter- Takun Tosio

 

"Move out the way nerd!". A boy in a letterman jacket shoves a lanky boy into a locker, and knocks books out of his hands. He chuckles as he walks away from the lanky boy. The boy bends down to pick up his books, and the late bell rings for his class. "Shit!", he mutters under his breath as he finishes picking up his books. He rushes to his classroom, Room 406, hoping that his teacher Mr. Rayburn would not scold him for his tardiness. His hopes were crushed. "Mr. Tosio, the next time you come in my class tardy, I will write you a detention. Now sit down." Takun walks with his head down to his seat, and his classmates yell insults at him during his walk of shame. "You suck." "Way to go, loser." "What an idiot..". "Tosio the troll, haha." Takun sits down at his desk, and puts his face against it. Why does everything happen to me? "Sleeping, Mr. Tosio? I'm afraid that's a detention." Mr. Rayburn walks to Takun's desk and places a white slip on it, and then walks back to the board, where he was writing Algebra II equations. Just my firetruckin luck. Takun picks up the slip and puts it in his pocket...

 

Before the bell rings, a girl named Carey Anderson walks to Takun's desk and places an envelop on it. Takun loves Carey with all his heart, even though she never gives him the time of day. She had waist-length blonde hair, and nice tan skin. Takun picks up the envelop and reads the front of it. His first and last name was written in cursive. He opens the envelop, and finds an invitation to a party on Saturday. Takun smiles with joy, and puts the invitation in a safe place in his backpack. Finally.

Chapter 2- SURPRISE!

Chapter 2- SURPRISE!

*RING RING*. The class dashes out of the classroom as soon as the bell goes off. Lunchtime was always the most fun part of the day for any student. Any student except Takun. But...today was different. Takun walked into the lunchroom with a swagger that could not be copied. I got invited to Carey Anderson's party, hell yeah. He walked to the lunchline with a grin on his face. Nothing can ruin this day. He grabs a tray and begins to pile it up. As he walks back to the lunch tables, the same bully that man-handled him earlier smirks at him as he walks by. "Tosio, Tosio, Tosio." The bully gets up and knocks the tray out of Takun's hand. Takun watches as his lunch falls to the ground, and something in him snaps. Takun grabs the bully by the scruff of his neck, and throws him to the ground. The bully gets up and says, "Hit me, Tosio. Don't throw like a little bitch. HIT ME." Takun's face twitches with anger for a second, and then he swings his fist. It connects directly with the bully's face. Takun thought the punch wouldn't have much of an effect, but the bully is sent flying into the serving area of the lunch line. The crowd stares at Takun in disbelief, and the lunch room falls silent. One boy breaks the silence, and jumps out of the crowd, and points at Takun. "FREAK!", he yells. The rest of the crowd begin to chant those same words, and Takun runs out of the lunch room, tears falling out of his eyes.

Poor Tostitos.

(Thats the first thing that comes into my mind seeing the name Tosio.)

Chapter 3- Rejection

The next day of school was a drag for Takun. Everybody turned away from him when they saw his face. Gossip was spreading. Over the period of one day, he earned the nickname "Clark Kent". When he opens the door to his Algebra II class, the bell rings. At least I'm on time. Mr. Rayburn regards Takun with a curious look, and says, "Good morning, Mr. Tosio." Takun shoots him a glance, and then walks to his desk. Carey Anderson was sitting in the desk right next to him. Takun begins to feel nervous as he sits down. This is my chance. He opens his backpack and pulls out his green spiral notebook, and he rips a piece of paper out of it. He then proceeds to rip the sheet of paper in half, and then pulls a pen out of his pocket. Red ink. He begins to write a note. Carey, I've liked you for a long time, and I still do. Would you like to be friends?. He drops the note next to her foot, and she bends down automatically to get it. She reads it over twice, and gives Takun a cold stare. She shakes her head, and balls up the note. She then turns her head and whispers, "Just because you got invited to my party doesn't mean we're friends, freak." Those words pierced Takun's heart. He slams his hand against the desk, and the desk busts through the floor, and falls into the classroom below (Luckily no one was in the spot where the desk fell). Takun's class turns around and stares at him in shock. Even Mr. Rayburn had a surprised look on his face. Takun rushes out of the classroom, out of the school doors, and hops on his bike.

its good, but there are errors.

dont just post a giant paragraph for starters. try to indent it -- it is a good story, and it'd suck monkey butt if people don't read because of the giant looming walls of text, y'know?

 

a few times i've noticed you put periods after qutations. that's grammatically incorrect, but im pretty sure thats just a typo on your part.

 

do not use astericks in your writing. an asterick is used for indication of things in science, family trees, sports, etc. it is not used in writing, like *RING RING*.

 

also, watch your tenses. The next day of school was a drag for Takun. Everybody turned away from him when they saw his face. Gossip was spreading. Over the period of one day, he earned the nickname "Clark Kent". When he opens the door to his Algebra II class, the bell rings. At least I'm on time. Mr. Rayburn regards Takun with a curious look, and says, "Good morning, Mr. Tosio." Takun shoots him a glance, ...' you started indicating that the whole thing should be past tense by saying 'the next day of school was a drag for Takun'.

 

If you want to use present tense, try something like

'So far, the next day of school was becoming/being a real drag for Takun. Everyone was turning away from him when they saw his face, and gossip was spreading. Over the period of (give a time thats not the whole day since Takun is still enduring the day or change your words, this part is somewhat confusing), he has earned/(or maybe) was earning the nickname "Clark Kent". (<--there, a period after quotations is allowed because it's emphasizing/quoting a word/sentence/name instead of signifying speech.) As he opens the door to his Algebra II class, he hears the ring of the (tardy) bell.

At least I'm on time.

Mr. Rayburn regards Takun with a curious look and says (don't overuse commas) "Good morning, Mr. Tosio." Takun (merely/simply/add a descriptive word, maybe?) shots him a glance... '

 

yeah so i went into editing that whole thing instead of just tenses

Gotcha, thanks for telling me what's wrong with it. 8D The next chapters shall feature this advice.

well, not whats wrong so much as what you should fix. x3 thanks for listening.