Hi everyone, for those of you who don't know me, my name is Iamkingdomhearts1000 and i would like to share something with everyone very personal, to be honest, i am struggling right now, struggling to accept certain things and controversies, what i mean is is that i want to be myself but at the same time, i want to be a person who does right within the world, you see, i have dark OCD and its been bothering me for the last three years, up to this point, i have had lots of things play heavily on my conscience and i wonder to myself, how can i accept this or that and still move on? i was hoping i would get some answers from the following video link https://youtu.be/7zbwHjN8wlQ but still, i find myself questioning, what i want, both truly and utterly, the path that i want to take is that of my very own, i want to be someone who can still be his very own person whilst at the very same time i wish to be a person that everyone else wants me to be, its difficult to say without making things complicated and i especially don't want to offend everyone, its just that i want to say that i want to both follow the rules whilst still taking risks like a normal human being should, know what i mean? i feel like i depend on everyone too much and that i want to find the answers for myself but i can't help but go to other people for advice like my mum for example and that makes me feel pathetic about myself since i am a grown man, i want to be a good person but i wouldn't go so far, as to call myself a saint, i want to follow the rules like everyone else but at the same time i want to trust my own instincts, as well, i don't want to trick myself, lie to myself and/or anything else like that, i want to believe in the path i want to choose for myself without being hesitant to take the first step on it, that's what this is basically all about, the thing is, the world has laws but at the same time it has hypocrisies that are right in front of us and yet it seems like they are okay when other things are not, i used to have a clear grasp of what's white, black and grey but now i am struggling, having lost that sense and now trying to start all over again, i am now trying to see things for what they truly are and at the very same time, i want to convince myself that i am not doing, saying and thinking the wrong things, i want to be absolutely 100% percent sure that i can trust my own judgement, i want to regain my confidence and clear senses again, i just don't know how to face the world at the moment, i don't know how to accept that nothing, nothing at all, everything doesn't make any sense whatsoever at all, i just want to be myself again, a person who was never a saint but was still a good person at heart, i may have dark OCD but i don't want it to cloud my true judgement, my true thoughts, my true feelings, so here i am, wondering if people have their own opinions on the matter, i maybe just muttering in the end but still, this is truly important to me, please watch the video link from 0:27 to 0:55 and after having watched it, tell me your true feelings from the philosophy that is described in it, it may just be a game but still, it makes a valid argument, excuse me for taking it so seriously, i have Autism but that doesn't excuse me from my problem nor treating a game's philosophy, as though it was real, at any rate, i am hoping someone will lend a ear and give me sound advice on what i should do, what i basically want is to trust my own instincts but at the same time take precautions and follow the rules, i just want to believe in what i am doing, no more, no less without thinking that i have made the wrong judgement that i feel would affect everyone besides myself, i don't want to always take precautions though since i still want to be my own person and have personal confidence in myself, what i want is to both follow the rules but at the same time trust my own gut and do what i want, something like that, know what i mean? i just want to understand hypocrisy basically, at its core.

Edited November 7, 20177 yr by Iamkingdomhearts1000

It sounds like you are in a position where you are strongly doubting yourself. I believe OCD does this; it makes a person obsess over the little things, at what could've or should've been and a person's own thoughts and actions. Coming from someone who has terrible OCD, this can be a destructive spiral of self criticism, blame, and even hate. It isn't something that will change itself for you overtime, but you don't have to be ruled by it forever. It has taken years of outside help, including from loved ones and a professional, for me to live productively and no longer haunted by those plaguing thoughts that OCD triggers, and even then I relapse every now and again. What I'm trying to say is that, you aren't a bad or evil person for questioning yourself in this way, but rather this condition forces your mind to think this way. I do not know you personally, nor do I know what kind of situations that you are referring to, but if you want to have more confidence and believe in yourself it will take a lot of effort, determination, and change, something that won't happen overnight.

 

Do you have friends or relatives that you are close to, ones that would be willing to help you along the way? Is seeing a professional an option? I feel that it takes a strong plan, a determination and belief that you *will* get your self-confidence back, for it to become a reality. And support, which is almost vital.

 

Because you are wanting to so greatly be a good person and follow the rules tells me that you really are a good person and that you are incredibly critical of yourself. Try to remember, though, that as humans we all make mistakes, some greater than others. Even though we aren't perfect, though, we do try, and the fact that you try and strive to improve means that you're on the right track.

 

I hope that I was able to properly address what you were asking, and I hope that things improve for you. It is terrible to be stuck in a a state of doubt and self-criticism. Best of wishes.

It sounds like you are in a position where you are strongly doubting yourself. I believe OCD does this; it makes a person obsess over the little things, at what could've or should've been and a person's own thoughts and actions. Coming from someone who has terrible OCD, this can be a destructive spiral of self criticism, blame, and even hate. It isn't something that will change itself for you overtime, but you don't have to be ruled by it forever. It has taken years of outside help, including from loved ones and a professional, for me to live productively and no longer haunted by those plaguing thoughts that OCD triggers, and even then I relapse every now and again. What I'm trying to say is that, you aren't a bad or evil person for questioning yourself in this way, but rather this condition forces your mind to think this way. I do not know you personally, nor do I know what kind of situations that you are referring to, but if you want to have more confidence and believe in yourself it will take a lot of effort, determination, and change, something that won't happen overnight.

 

Do you have friends or relatives that you are close to, ones that would be willing to help you along the way? Is seeing a professional an option? I feel that it takes a strong plan, a determination and belief that you *will* get your self-confidence back, for it to become a reality. And support, which is almost vital.

 

Because you are wanting to so greatly be a good person and follow the rules tells me that you really are a good person and that you are incredibly critical of yourself. Try to remember, though, that as humans we all make mistakes, some greater than others. Even though we aren't perfect, though, we do try, and the fact that you try and strive to improve means that you're on the right track.

 

I hope that I was able to properly address what you were asking, and I hope that things improve for you. It is terrible to be stuck in a a state of doubt and self-criticism. Best of wishes.

 

Thank you, its just i am having doubts over if what i am currently doing is wrong in the exact sense of the word, i mean i haven't done anything wrong over the last three years thank god but still, it feels like i am reaching my ending point and if i don't do something about it, my life will never be the same again, not ever again, i don't want that, i can't stand that, i want to follow the rules but i also want to take risks and make my very own judgments for myself without being paranoid or completely and utterly scared beforehand, i just want to know if what i am saying, thinking, doing and looking are the right things without getting into trouble, i don't want to cause trouble for everyone, not at all whatsoever but i just want to take risks and be strong and have conviction, i don't want to think that i made the wrong decision in the end, i want to believe that it was okay for me to do something that for example is overall relatively harmless but without thinking it has longer drastic consequences and effects in the long run, what i mean is is that i want to believe i am doing something for the right reason and not the wrong one and that if i am doing something wrong i want to redeem myself for that something with all my heart, body and soul, i am not a perfect person, i don't want to be a saint but i don't want to be uncaring either, i just want to stand in the middle, like every human being does, know what i mean? what i am basically talking about is like saying watching a cartoon that has marijuana references in it either by mistake or not but still, ignoring those references and watch the cartoon for what i know deep down it truly is meant to be, just that, a laugh out loud cartoon, still, it plays heavily on my conscience i want to believe in myself that i am watching the cartoon not for the marijuana references but for what the cartoon truly is, its like saying watching Family Guy which is vulgar and downright offensive most of the time but at heart you want to believe that besides all that, it is meant to be at its heart a sitcom comedy for it does have those moments where its not vulgar and downright offensive and can actually offer some good humour that can make you laugh, that's what i mean basically, believing i am doing stuff for the right reasons and even if it contains dark elements in it, at its core, it is meant to be just a drama and/or a black comedy sitcom and nothing more, no more, no less, i feel bad every-time i see things like Family Guy and South Park, they make me feel bad about myself but in the former's case, i know it can be genuinely funny, for example the Star Wars Parodies they produced, its just that i am caught between reasoning and wanting, i want both, to watch Family Guy and ignore the dark elements shown in it but at the same time take note of them, as they are still wrong nevertheless and i want to ask myself, is this what i truly want to watch? can i really put aside all the dark elements and focus on the positive humour instead? that's what i am trying to say, sigh, its difficult to explain, know what i mean? sorry for bothering you with all of this stupidity Mystics Apprentice but honestly, things like this play on my conscience and i just have to know what is both right and wrong, i don't want to keep going on without telling the difference, it hurts my head, just what is truly right and wrong? i am scared about moving forwards, regretting past decisions and thinking that i will repeat them, i am not talking about major offenses, god no, i mean like can i watch Family Guy with a clear conscience and not think about the dark things and instead watch it for what i know it can be truly at its heart, that's what i am trying to say over and over again, its honestly annoying to keep on saying the same thing, i just don't know how i can explain my problem properly without offending you and everyone else, i am just trying to seek answers that will help me get my life back and in turn, help those that i truly love and care about.

Edited November 7, 20177 yr by Iamkingdomhearts1000