I DON'T OWN ANYTHING JUST A FAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

dairy entry 1

I don't really know what happend yesterday but Axel said I fell off my round room chair. All I can remember is #14 face, that sounded really weird, good thing I'm the only one who's going to see this!

 

 

When Roxas got up he was in sooo much pain but he didn't scream because he didn't want to wake up the other members. Axel came in to make sure he was okay. "Hey take it easy Roxas,I'll go get you some menison". Axel ran to the medison cabnet got a pill, a glass of water, and ran back to Roxas. Roxas took the pill and the pain went away but he wasn't asleep yet so he dicied to ask Axel something "axel, how did you know that I fell?" axel scrated his head in though. "Hm..., well... Roxas I didn't, and I wound of never none if #14 came to me, so next time you see her tell her thank you". By the time Axel was done Roxas fell asleep. When he woke up he saw a figer next to his bed, he thought it was Axel then he saw black hair."What A-who are you?" R-Roxas, I'm Xion #14". Roxaswas suprized, he didn't think she could talk, and he looked like the girl in his dreams. ( Wow she's so pritty) he thought.Xion's voice was like an angel's. Xion began to speak,"Axel is your friend right?" Roxas sat up rubbing his eye's. "Yeah why, is there somthing wrong with that?" Xion was shook her head no. "No no it's just..., I-I was wondering if maybe I could be your friend?" Roxas didn't really know what to say but he was glade she asked. "Okay" he said smiling. Xionwas sooo happy "thank you roxas" Xion ran out the door. Roxas got up, put on a freash coat and went to the loby. He saw saix come up "Roxas to day you and Xion will be killing a heartless and it is big to so stay safe "Where is this big heartless" saix looked at xion,"in twighlight town" Xion and Roxas noded and they left when they got to twighlight town Roxas asked "so do you think it would be hard to find?" Xion pointed up "No look"she said in a shakey voice. "come on it I know were it's coming from". So they both went to the big heartless, it was way way biger than they thought. " how are we going to kill that thing" Xion screamed at Roxas. "well if we work together we should be able to kill it. Xion did the most powerful magic spells she knew and Roxas swiped his keyblade a couple of time's but nothing worked. Then the heartless picked up xion "xion!" Roxas yelled.It's grip was so tight that xion stoped breathing, Roxas took out his key blade ,he had no chocie but to try.So he ran and slashed it.Black fog was everwere,"xion,were are you?" Then he saw her,on her stomic. he ran over to her,and roled her on her back. "Xion,Xion can you here me" Roxas burst into tears he had no idea why he had these feelings for Xion, he wasn't even sopost to have feelings.Xion was breathing but very light and short breath's."Oh Xion," Roxas said with tears going from his eye to his cheek. Then all of a sodden she stared breathing again norily this time,then she opened her eye's, "wh-what happen?" Roxas was sooo happy that Xion was alive. Then they both stared feeling diferent about each and other it was like some had controll over them. Then Roxas kissed Xion,Xion felt his soft lips pess aganst her's, and Roxas felt her finger's go though his soft golden hair.

 

plz plz tell me what you think!

You want to know what I think?

 

First of all, these is this thing called space bar. In most parts of the story, you need to use it.

 

And there are several grammatical errors, errors I can't even count, there are so many.

To be honest, I don't like this story idea. But that is just me. Keep your grammar up, and it might become a better story.

sorry if this is a bad story

 

it was 3:00 at night so it wasn't my BEST idea yet. + my friend was telling me to "write faster" so im sorry i was bord and stuped stuf come out sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo this was probly my wost pice yet, and give me a break im only in the fith grade! and i know what space bars r

If you know what space bars are, consider actually USING one once in a while. Because huge blocks of text are a pain to read, honestly.

 

It... um... it's pretty hard to read in general, because of the spelling and grammar issues. If you find that sort of thing hard to do, put it through a spell-and-grammar checker.

 

And, honestly, I could use spelling and grammar in fifth grade just fine. .________. You can't get too defensive that way.

i know sorry maybe people should stop reading it and im not the best speller so sorry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and my friend was pushing me so i might of deleted some space bars if i ever write a other chapter i will edit so it won't be hard to read. + it was 3:00 am so it wasn't that good, and i didn't mean it in a mean way i never mean things in a mean way just tring to explan some stuf!!!!!!!!! SORRY IT WAS BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

maybe as i get older i'll write better, and be better at spelling?!!

Like I said in your other story, it would be a better story, if you worked on your grammar some more. By the way, how old are you exactly? If you're like 7-10 I could understand but if you're older than 10, there should be no real excuse for you NOT to have good grammar.

Like I said in your other story, it would be a better story, if you worked on your grammar some more. By the way, how old are you exactly? If you're like 7-10 I could understand but if you're older than 10, there should be no real excuse for you NOT to have good grammar.

 

im 10 sooo yeah not good storys not good grammar, but it's not ALL my story, me and my friend got bord so this came out,but she wannted me to take all the creait. If i knew how to get the ceak spelling thing i would, but I don't so SORRY GUYS, and thank you for the honisty.

 

sorry for the bad spelling, and thx!

P.S. sorry im mad that i can't spell good!:x

When I was 10, I was decent at spelling. I just couldn't write a good plot worth two cents.

 

Then I turned 12, and here I am.

 

 

http://www.spellchecker.net/spellcheck/

 

Heres and online spell checker. Comes with a grammar checker and a thesaurus.

The plot you came up with is OK but very overused. Roxas and Xion, going out on a mission. One gets in serrious danger, lovey dovey, blah. Rinse and repeat. The love interest seems a little rushed as well. Just you know, practice.

yeah after i posted it i read it again and i wanted to chang it, but if i write a nother chapter i'll make it a hole lot better and i'll spell right!

 

should i write more?

It's your choice. I woud like to see more, but it's your choice after all

ok i'll write it 2morro

Well, let's starts with the crit.

 

- Spelling and grammar. Work on it, hun. It's not too difficult, actually. You also don't have to add a million "o"s to the word "so" to emphasize it. You could put it in bold or italics.

 

- The plot is the most important part of a story--it IS the story. I've seen way too many RokuShion ones out there. Still, I don't think it's too bad of an idea. I did a RokuShion story, too. But, as has been pointed out before, this particular plot is WAY too overused. You also wrote in the "love scene" far too early. That would be understandable if this was a sequel, and they were already in love, but that's not the case here.

 

- Formatting is another pretty key element to a story. The spacebar and the enter key should be your best friends.

 

Changing all of those things, this could he going somewhere. : )

yeah i know, but like i said i'm only in 5th grade so my spelling is not that good and if u want to see a roleplay about Riku and someone esle go to Not alone, a Riku story!

Fifth grade isn't much of an excuse, lol. It's not that difficult, and if you really can't, there IS a Spell Checker button.

Fifth grade, like lexi said, is no real excuse. I was able to spell decently when I was in 5th grade. There is a spell checker if you need to use one. My next question is was English your first language that you learned. If it wasn't, then I could kind of understand.

I know but i was tried so i wasn't really thinking at all, and the reason why i wrote it so late is because my friend woundn't stop calling me until i did. and yes english was i also can speak farsee so i got confused with that and english wich i do alot

 

o and i'll write the rest tomorro sorry i was ganna today but something bad came up so yeah

 

 

SORRY FOR EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Some things:

-Spell checker is your friend. Make sure you use it.

-So is the space bar.

-Make sure you look over what you've written before you post; you'll be able to catch a lot of typos.

-If you're not sure about a story, get a friend to beta-read it for you. Basically, all a beta-reader does is look over the story before you post it. They tell you about typos/grammatical errors, plot problems, etc. etc.

 

And you don't need to apologize, darling. Just work on the things people say you should work on and you'll be fine~

I know but i was tried so i wasn't really thinking at all, and the reason why i wrote it so late is because my friend woundn't stop calling me until i did. and yes english was i also can speak farsee so i got confused with that and english wich i do alot

 

o and i'll write the rest tomorro sorry i was ganna today but something bad came up so yeah

 

 

SORRY FOR EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

What's farsee? lol. Do you mean french? Because, to me, that is kind of wierd if you are getting confused between French and English. Also, if you are really tired when you are writing this story, then you should wait until the next day when you're fresh, and not tired to write the story.

noi don't know how to spell it but no i don't no french here is something written in farsee 'couldoffic'= bye

If you really know Farsi, then I should inform you you're spelling it incorrectly. I know Latin, a little Spanish, and some French and Korean (product of a "MYDAUGHTERWILLBEPERFECTTTTT" kind of dad, lulz), and I've never once been confused. .-.

well i new it when i was little and then i stopped, and now im relearning it so I've been confused

I'll post the other one tonight, and i got the spelling check thing so spelling will be good!

Ok sorry about not having a plot but if u don't really know what it is just ask me and I'll post one up.

 

 

 

chapter 2

 

We Roxas woke up he was a little weirded out. 'Was all that a dream?' thought Roxas, he got a fresh coat on and he went outside. Axel saw him and went over to him, "Roxas you ok?" Roxas looked over at xion then back at Axel. "Um.... yeah I'm fine but I need to ask Xion something." Axel just looked at Roxas as he ran over to Xion. 'What happen yesterday' he thought. "Hi Roxas how are you?" asked Xion as if nothing happen. "Xion what happen?" Xion crossed her arms in thought, "Um........ well there was a big heartless that hurt me, then you took it out and um...... O yeah". Xion leaned near Roxas and whisper "I need to talk to you later ok?" Roxas looked up suprized, "Um... ok Xion." Then she went to her mission. Axel saw Roxas and he said "What was that all about?" Roxas turned around and said, "Um...... nothing" he opened a portell and went to his mission. Axel just shook his head ' no something happen ' he thought. After Roxas got done with his mission he ran to xion (who was on the clock tower) Xion saw Roxas. "Xion you wanted to talk?" Roxas said almost out of breath. Xion nodded, "yeah, i did." Roxas sat down next to Xion "about what?" xion just looked at Roxas. "W-why did you kiss me yesterday?" Roxas was shocked it wasn't a dream "Um....... well i don't know why didn't you poll away?" Xion looked down. "Well, um.... I don't know, maybe because.. well it's weird I had to remind my self that a was Xion." Roxas looked at her in shock. "Really, because the same was with me." Xion gave Roxas a look that she wanted to Chang the subject right now.

 

 

Sorry it's so short, but I couldn't think of anything easel, tell me what u think plz

Even with the spell checker, you failed to spell some words correctly, and some of the grammar is still iffy.

You need to add details to your story as well.

kay, time to crit.

Everytime you have dialogue, you need to put a new paragraph. And speaking of paragraphs, your story needs some.

I know you said you'll post a plot because we're saying that this has none. But we don't want you to post the plot We want you to have a plot in your story, one that makes sense and flows well.

Your grammar and spelling has improved although it's change not Chang and make sure you capitalize all the names.

Be more descriptive, add details to it. If you can't think of anything, then don't write, makes for a bad story.

Don't rush through it either

/end crit

well... some things didn't say they were spelled wrong so sorry but when I'm bored I write so sorry I'll stop posting till I get better at writing story's (witch will be in like 4 months) and I'm bad at writing story's but good at writing song so sorry!