I am going to try one more time. I hope a lot of people like this. This is not a KH fanfic. It's a Mystery/Horror story (Yes, in time for Halloween).

 

 

Hoodie

 

Prologue

This is a tale about someone always wearing a hoodie. No one knows for sure who this hoodie wearing boy is. He appeared one day and everything changed. My name is John Dawnson. I have lived in this neighborhood for over ten years now and this neighborhood was fine until the boy appeared. I have one son. Their mother was mysteriously killed in an unknown accident. We were devastated. My son was only nine when his mother was killed. Now he is in the eighth grade and is thirteen years old. I became a cop so I can investigate this “hooded stranger”. But the boss said I couldn’t, so I joined an private investigation team. I need to keep our neighborhood safe, for me, my neighbors, and more importantly, my son...

 

Let me take you back four years ago...

 

4 Years Ago

I had just became a cop. It was a beautiful day in Central Neighborhood. It began as a normal start. My son and I were playing catch in the yard. His mother was gardening. It was a hot day. We played catch for about an hour and went inside to stay cool. Later was dinner. Soon, it was time Robbie to go to bed. My wife and I stayed up and discussed about our jobs. She was a teacher at Robbie’s school. Soon, we went up to bed. That night was when things got weird. I didn’t hear screams from the neighborhood, but Robbie did. I told him that he was probably hearing things. Nothing bad ever happened in this neighborhood. The next morning came and Robbie was preparing for school and my wife and I were getting ready for work. Once my wife stepped out of the front door, there were cop cars and an ambulance next door.

“John!!” she said. “You need to come see this.”

I ran right up to her. I couldn’t believe my eyes.

“John,” a co-worker said, coming up. “Thank goodness, you all are all right!”

“Blake,” I said. “Wh-what happened here?”

“The Harvingtons have been murdered.”

“What?” we all said.

“Only James survived.”

Robbie ran up to his friend, James.

James!!” Robbie said. “Are you OK?”

“I’m fine...” he said crying. “I just don’t know who could’ve done this. My parents, my sister... they’re all... dead...”

I walked over with Blake to the crime scene.

“What do we have?” I asked him.

“All we found was this.”

Blake held up a several pieces of string from the murderer’s clothes.

“All we need to do is run this through the scanner and we will learn who the suspect is.” I told to Blake. We went to the station. We immediately turned on the computer and scanner and put the string under it. It took a while, but it finally appeared.

“Not found?!?!” I said. “What the hell?

“I’ll try again.” Blake said.

The results came and it still said not found.

“Ugh,” I grunted. “Why won’t this work???”

“This is strange...” Blake said. “But I feel that this murderer isn’t done.”

“Me too...”

“Let’s get back to work.” Blake said.

We had a busy day. Calls were coming in about robberies, shootings and many things. That day, I felt there was a new evil coming, but why now.

It was open house night at Robbie’s school. He came home and Theresa had to go back. I stayed home with Robbie and had pizza for dinner.

“Dad?” he said.

“Hmm?”

“What if he comes back?”

“Who?”

“The guy who killed James’ family.” he continued. “What if the murderer does come back? Where will James stay?”

I sighed. I didn’t want him to be nervous. “I don’t know what’s going to happen, buddy,” I told him. “But, I’m sure we’ll be fine.”

Suddenly, I got a phone call from my boss, Louie.

“Louie?” I answered.

“John!!” he said. He sounded like he was scared.

“What’s wrong??”

“We just got a notice saying that there is trouble at the school!!”

“WHAT??

“You need to go to the school and help Blake evacuate the school building immediately!!”

I hung up. I put on my coat and headed out the door.

“Dad?” Robbie said. “What’s going on?”

I knelt down. “Son,” I told him. “I need you to stay here. There is trouble at the school and I need to make sure that your mom will be safe.”

“I want to come with you!!”

“It’s too dangerous...”

“Can I at least stay in the car?”

“Alright,” I told him. “But I am parking far away so you won’t get hurt.”

We hopped into the car and drove off. I found a parking lot as far away as I could from the school.

“Wait right in this car...” I told him. “DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT LEAVE THIS CAR!! Understand??”

He nodded. I slammed the car door and ran into the building. I saw that Blake has already began evacuating.

“Where is Theresa?”

“Still in the building.” he told me. I ran inside. There were a group of teachers waiting to be evacuated. Theresa was right there.

“JOHN!!” she said. We hugged. “Where is Robbie?”

“He’s safe in the car.” I replied. “We need to go now!!”

I looked over at the rest. “The rest of you,” I ordered. “Remain calm and follow me!!”

There was a loud explosion. I looked back. One room had exploded.

“Hurry!!” I demanded. All the teachers ran out.

“Let me help...” Theresa begged.

“No,” I said strictly. “You need to leave this building now!!”

“Please!!”

“NO THERESA!!!”

She looked at me with the eyes I couldn’t say no to.

“Be careful...” I told her. We kissed. I ran out. I looked back and told her I would come back for her.”

“John,” Blake said. “Where’s Theresa?”

“Inside,” I replied. “She’s making sure everyone stays calm.”

“NO!!” Blake said. “There will be another explosion any minute!!”

I looked back. I tried to run inside, but Blake stopped me.

“NO!!” Blake said. “If you go in, you’ll die!!!”

“I can’t let Theresa die!!!”

“You have no choice!!”

There was another explosion. The whole school was on fire.

“NOOO!!!” I yelled. I fell to the floor. I buried my face in my hands and began crying. “No... no...”

“John...” Blake said. “I’m sorry...”

Everyone was in shock. Everybody wondered who could do such a thing. I went back to the car. Robbie wasn’t there.

“Robbie?” I said. I looked around.

“DADDY!!!” I heard Robbie’s voice.

“ROBBIE!!!” I shouted back. “Where are you?”

“DADDY!!!” his voice cried out again. I turned around and saw the hooded figure within a distance. The hooded figure had his arm wrapped around Robbie’s neck. He held a knife to Robbie’s throat. I took out my gun and held up, aligned with his face.

“You shoot...” the hooded figure said, in a raspy voice. “You’ll never see your son again.”

“Daddy...” he said crying.

“What do you want?”

“I want freedom...”

“Freedom?” I asked. “What?”

“You know what I mean...”

“No...” I said. “I don’t what I did to you!!”

There was a gunshot. It shot the hooded figure right in the shoulder. He screamed in pain. He let go of Robbie and he crawled. He turned around and saw Blake.

“Leave them alone....”

“Or what?” he said.

“Or be killed...”

He began laughing. “You actually think you can kill me?”

“I don’t think,” he said. “I know...”

I held Robbie close once he arrived.

“Blake,” I said. “Don’t do it!!”

“You don’t want them,” he said. “It’s me you want.”

“I want both of you...” he said.

Blake kept shooting at him, but he kept on walking towards Blake. Unfortunately for him, he was all out of bullets.

“Shit!!” he said. He dropped his gun.

The hooded man walked up to him.

“Looks like I win this round...” he said. He took out his knife and pointed it at Blake. Robbie put his head in my arm. The last thing I heard Blake said was to take care of Robbie and stay safe. Right after, he was stabbed. The hooded figure turned around.

“You will be next...”

He then walked away. I ran right over to Blake. He still had some life in him.

“Blake...”

“John...” he said. “Take Robbie and move away from here. Move as far away as you can.”

“But...”

“It’ll be much safer...” he said. “Trust me...”

Then, he was gone.

That next week we had a funeral for both Blake and Theresa. It was a very emotional week for the both of us. There were hundreds of people there, mourning for the both of them. I was remembering what Blake had told me. I decided that we should move. I talked to Louie about it and he thought it was the best idea as well. He recommended that we should move to a nice town called Greenfair. He also told me to talk to a friend of his who is the head of the police department there to get a job. So, about a month later, there was no sign of the hooded boy and no murders. We ended up moving to Greenfair. We now have a nice home in a nice neighborhood. All the neighbors were friendly and had heard about what had happened. They gave us their condolences. But, I fear that soon the hoodie will come back...

Edited September 29, 201213 yr by Blader2012

I would like some feedback.

What do you guys think?

Ok, finished reading. I like it, the hooded figure being bullet proof was a nice bit. The story had some feel of mystery and paranoia. The only thing I didn't like was Theresa's cliche death. I mean, she what did she expect to do in there? Although it adds some emotional sadness.

I'll give it a 9/10 just because I like the mystery genre.

Ok, finished reading. I like it, the hooded figure being bullet proof was a nice bit. The story had some feel of mystery and paranoia. The only thing I didn't like was Theresa's cliche death. I mean, she what did she expect to do in there? Although it adds some emotional sadness.

I'll give it a 9/10 just because I like the mystery genre.

 

It's my first time really writing a Mystery/Horror story. I thought I would give it a shot. I know the mother's death wasn't as good, but like I said, it's my first time writing in this kind of genre. But, I'm glad you liked it.

 

Here is Chapter 1:

 

 

 

Chapter 1

Present

“Robbie...” his dad said. “Robbie... it’s time to get ready for school.”

“Five more minutes...” Robbie replied.

“You kids always say that.” John said. “Get up now. You need to get dressed, eat, and brush your teeth.”

Robbie groaned.

“I can’t be late for work!!” his dad said. He pulled the covers off of Robbie.

“FINE.” he said. He got out of bed and put clothes on. He went downstairs to eat and brush his teeth.

His father followed.

“You ready?”

“Yeah...”

They went into the car. John drove his son to school. They arrived in a few minutes.

“Have fun today!”

“Since when has school been considered fun?”

His father laughed. “Just have a good day.”

“See you later, dad.”

John drove off. A kid ran across the street. John stopped just in time.

“Watch where you’re going!!” John shouted at him.

“Sorry, sir!!” he apologized and ran off.

John continued driving. He arrived at work.

“There you are, John!” his boss, Chris said. “I need you to work with Travis today.”

“But, I’m working on another case.”

“We need to put that one off for a while.”

“Why?”

“There has been some weird things going on here.”

“Like what?”

“Weird sightings, threats, all that stuff.”

“OK,” John said. He went over to Travis.

“What do we have?”

“Here are the suspects.”

Travis handed them over to John. He looked through them. They all seemed interesting. He finally got to one that seemed suspicious.

“Travis,” he said. He looked over. “Everything on this suspect says unknown.”

“Oh, that guy,” he said. “Yeah, he’s very mysterious. He just appeared here not too long ago.”

“What do you mean by not too long ago?” John asked.

“Well,” Travis continued. “We have been getting reports that some people have been seeing this kid for some reason. It’s like he’s looking for something... or someone.”

“Huh?”

“I’m sure you have heard about the tragedy that happened in Central Neighborhood, am I correct?”

“Yeah...”

“Well,” Travis kept going. “It’s said that he began this havoc.”

Travis went back to doing his job. John stared at the paper for a few minutes. He then folded the paper and put it in his pocket. He went back to his desk and took out the string they found four years ago.

“I hope this works...” John said to himself. He put it under the scanner and waited for the results. A few minutes later results popped up. It said that one item has been found.

“Yes!!” he said quietly. He clicked on it. On the screen, appeared a boy in a plain black hoodie. He couldn’t see the face. He took the paper out of his pocket and read the years.

“This paper was printed last month.” he said, looking at the folded paper. He looked back. “But, this was posted... YESTERDAY?!?!?”

All of a sudden, the computer began to short circuit and explode.The alarms sounded. John backed away. Chris ran over.

“What the hell happened??” he asked.

“I--I don’t know!!!” John said. “I was reading something, then it just short circuited.

They were both coughing. A man was watching. He walked outside.

“It worked...”

“He doesn’t suspect anything?”

“No,” he said. “The boy is still safe.”

“Good work,” the voice said. “The boy will be proud.”

He walked back inside the station.

 

Back at Robbie’s school, Robbie was having a hard time focusing.

“Robbie!!” his english teacher said.

“Huh?”

“What was I just talking about?”

“The Pythagorean Theorem?”

The whole class laughed.

“Very funny Mr. Dawnson,” the teacher said. “You better pay attention if you want to pass this test tomorrow.”

Robbie sighed. The teacher went back to teaching. Twenty minutes later, the bell rang.

“Study for the test tomorrow!!” she said. She looked at Robbie. “Especially you, Mr Dawnson.”

Robbie walked out of the class room and went to his locker. He put his english book away. His friend walked up to him.

“Still thinking about your mother?” he said.

Robbie looked up. “Oh, hey Andrew.” he said. “Yeah...”

“Well, stop!” he said. “It’s been four years ago.”

“You don’t know what else happened that day.”

“What did?”

“I don’t want to talk about it...”

Robbie walked away.

“Hey Robbie!” another friend said. Robbie just ignored him.

Ryan walked up to Andrew.

“What’s with Rob?”

“I don’t know...”

They both watched him as he left.

 

Both Robbie and his father had a pretty rough day. John was still confused on how the computer just blew up. Robbie was still remembering what happened exactly four years ago. Finally, it was the end of the day for the both of them. Robbie took the school bus home and waited for his dad. He grabbed something to eat and began studying. Soon, his father arrived.

“Robbie,” he said. “I’m home!!”

“I’m in here!” he said from the kitchen.

He walked into the kitchen. “What are doing buddy?”

“Studying.”

“Test tomorrow?”

“Yeah.”

“Well,” his father said. “Good for you!!”

Things were quiet.

“So,” John finally said. “How was school today?”

“It was... fine...”

John looked at his face. “Rob,” he said. “Is there something wrong?”

“I’m fine...” Robbie said, not looking.

“Robbie,” his father would leave him alone. “You need to tell me if something is bothering you.”

Robbie slammed on the table. “I said I’M FINE!!!”

He got up and went to his room. John just stared. They ate dinner without talking to each other. Soon, Robbie went to bed. John was tired as well, so he headed to his room. Robbie was having difficulty sleeping.

“Daddy!!!” his nightmare echoed. “Help!!!”

Robbie was tossing and turning. The nightmare took him back to the night everything changed. He saw the hooded boy again. He was being held against the boy’s chest and remembering this dad pointing the gun. He even remembered Blake being killed. He heard his last words again. “Keep him safe...”

Robbie immediately woke up and starting breathing hard. His father ran in.

“Robbie!” he said. “What’s wrong?”

“I had the nightmare..."

Edited September 30, 201213 yr by Blader2012

Am I the only active reader in "Writing" ? Ok, finished chapter 1. Not as suspenseful but it fills in the blanks. The blown up comp adds more things to the mix. May I suggest an idea? Sometime later, John gets very obsessed with finding the man with the hoodie, forgoing meals, hygeine, and only stopping by at work for updates. Are you familiar with psychological thrillers? And GJ being in time for halloween.

Am I supposed to give a 1 - 10 on each chap? I'll give this one a 8.8/10 just because it's more of a filler to connect the distance between the prologue.

You don't have to give a rating. I just like some constructive criticism. The stuff you are giving me is pretty good. I will say though, from time to time, you will see that the father will become obsessed with finding the boy. Thank you for the advice.

You write too much dialogue, not enough about what the character's thinking and what they're feeling. Good writers make you attached to the characters which evokes emotion when something bad or frightening happens to them. That's what you need to do. Grammar and spelling is A+ but I feel like this is too emotionless and too flat.

That is something I have to work on.

Blader did you just add me as a friend then deleted me? Because I received a notification thatt you added me but your not there. Oh yes, on what Koko said, thats true that it does feel flat (how did I miss that? ) but I felt like this was a movie script, not a full blown out Stephen King novel. I dunno. Have you ever read Hamlet?

Edited October 1, 201213 yr by Koko

I know there is a Shakespeare to English site out there, but I am not a huge fan of Shakespeare. So no, I haven't read Hamlet. But I did read Macbeth. Wasn't too fond of it.

 

Anyway, since you guys are giving me advice, I was thinking about rewriting the prologue. You were right. Her death was cliche. So I'm may rewrite that part. I will also edit the chapters a little more as I go on.

Chapter 2 coming soon.

Chapter 2

John made some hot chocolate for Robbie. He sat down with him.

“Tell me,” John said. “What did you see?”

“I saw what I could remember.” Robbie said. “I saw myself being captured by the hoodie.”

“What else?”

“He held a knife against my neck.”

“Anything else?”

“Your friend, Blake.” Robbie said. “He was killed that night and we saw the whole thing.”

“You were scared.” John said. “You covered your face.”

“Oh,” Robbie said. “He also said to keep me safe.”

“That he did.” John said.

“Is he after me?”

“Not just you...” John replied. “Every single policemen.”

“Why?”

“I...” John said. “I don’t know...”

They were quiet.

“We both had a dream about what happened that night.”

“Really?” Robbie wondered. “Was it the same?”

“Not too much...”

“What was it?”

“Your mother.”

“How mom died?”

“Right.”

“I think I heard an explosion right before he took me.”

“That explosion,” John said. “Was telling us that she was killed.”

“What?”

“You mother,” John continued. “She wanted to help. I said no. But she gave me those eyes that I couldn’t say no to. I shouldn’t have let her.”

John began tearing up. “It was my fault.”

“No, dad...” Robbie said. “It wasn’t!! It was the hoodie’s fault.”

“I let her stay!!”

“She wanted to help...”

“I told her it was dangerous!!!” John kept saying. “ She didn’t listen!!! It’s my fault... my fault...”

“You can’t be blaming yourself for this!!!”

“SHE DIED BECAUSE OF ME!!!”

“She died while she was trying to help you!!”

John calmed down. They were quiet again.

“He’s back, isn’t he?” Robbie said.

“Yeah...” his father replied quietly. John walked his son back to his room.

“I’m taking you work tomorrow.”

“Why?” he said. “I have a test tomorrow.”

“After your test.” his dad replied. “I want you to know what we do. Call me when you are done.”

“What if they don’t let you?”

“Son,” John said. “I’m a cop.”

Robbie laughed. “Night.”

“Night.”

They both went back to bed.

It started to rain. On the other side of town, a man wearing a red rain coat walked inside a strange looking building.

“It’s pouring out there!” he said. He hung up his rain coat. He bowed down to the boy. He motioned him to get up.

“I hear from Jameson the plan had worked.”

“Yes,”

“Excellent.”

“I had short circuited the wire that was coming from the scanner and it didn’t show the results.”

“Good...”

“What do we do now?”

“I fear that he will be bringing his son to his work soon.”

“Ok?”

“John will obviously be showing him how to track down criminals.”

“What do you want me to do?”

“Simple.” the boy said. “Hack into the chief’s account and delete the program.”

The man nodded.

“Oh, wait...” the boy stopped him before he could leave.

He turned around.

“You’re doing quite well, Travis...”

“Thank you, sir.”

He walked out.

“What is our next order?”

“Patience, Tyrone.” the hoodie said. “For now, we wait.”

The next day, John dropped his son off at school.

“See you soon!” John told him.

Robbie went into the school. There waiting for him, were Ryan and Andrew.

“What’s up guys?”

“You were acting odd yesterday.” Andrew said.

“Yeah?”

“We were wondering,” Ryan said. “If you were OK.”

“Of course I am okay!” Robbie said. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“You seemed out of it.”

“I just had something on my mind.”

“What was it?”

Robbie slammed his locker shut. “It’s nothing that should be bothering you.”

“We’re friends here...” Andrew said. “You can trust us.”

“I got to go...” Robbie walked away. He walked into his english class.

“We need to figure out what is wrong with him.”

“Do you think the guidance counselor would tell us?”

“No...” Andrew said. “She has to keep it private. She won’t tell a soul.”

They both walked into the English class room.

“Thank you, boys...” a strange voice said. He picked up a walkie talkie.

“There is someone else that knows about you.”

“Kill the person...”

They hung up and Tyrone walked into the counselor’s office. She looked up. Tyrone shut the door.

“Can I help you?” was the last thing she said before screaming. Tyrone climbed out of the window and ran off before anyone can see her.

The bell rang. Everyone walked out of the classrooms to see a lot of people by the office. Robbie and the two boys walked over to see what all the commotion was about.

“Jessica,” Robbie whispered. “What happened?”

“The Guidance counselor,” she said. “She was killed.”

All of the boys’ mouths dropped opened. There was a lot of murmur.

“What the hell?” Andrew said. Robbie backed away. He walked outside. The cops finally appeared.

“Thank god!!” his father said, walking up to him. “You’re okay...”

“She was killed...”

“Who??”

“Ms. Worthington.”

“Your guidance counselor?”

“Yes...”

John ran inside. He walked into the room. Travis followed. “What happened here?”

“A murder.”

“Inside a school?”

“Seems so...” John replied. He went over and told everyone to back away. He blocked off the area with yellow tape. He went back to Travis.

“Broken glass...” Travis said.

“The window’s broken.” said John, walking over to the window. “Suspect must’ve broken in, killed her and ran away before he was noticed. John walked away. Travis looked outside and saw Tyrone. Tyrone gave him a thumbs up. Travis nodded back. He walked away from the window.

“The victim was stabbed multiple times by a knife.” John studied.

“Multiple?” Travis asked.

“Multiple.” John confirmed.

They kept walking around.

“I’m going to go walk around and ask questions.”

“I’ll stay here.” Travis said. John walked out. Travis chuckled to himself quietly. “Fool...”

John asked some people some questions. He asked how many kids would visit her, if she got any threats, and other things. After he was done, he talked to the principal.

“I am going to need to take my son out.” he said.

“Of course...” the principal said.

“Thank you.” John walked away.

He walked back outside. He saw him talking to Ryan.

“I told you!!” Robbie said. “I can’t tell you.”

“Why not?”

“It’s a personal matter!” Robbie said. “This can’t worry you.”

“You seem so depressed.”

“Well,” Robbie said. “I have too much on my mind.”

“Tell me!!”

“Robbie...” his father finally spoke up. The both looked up.

“I have to go...”

Robbie got up and walked towards his father. He looked back at Ryan.

“I’m sorry, Ryan.” Robbie said. “I just can’t tell anyone else.”

The walked away. They got into the cop car and drove off. Ryan got up. Andreew walked up.

“Did he say?”

“Nothing...” Ryan said. “He said he couldn’t tell anyone else.”

“What does that mean?”

“I don’t know...”