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FF13-2 Rewritten

Posted

Couldn't help it. From: some guy on gamefaqs,

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.

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Here's a quote.

Lightning: Serah! Listen to me!

Serah: No! Yeul told me the truth! You've been lying to me the entire time! Traitor!

Lightning: You're misunderstanding me, Serah! That Yeul was evil!

Noel: Yeul isn't evil! She's my bestest friend forever! There's even tons of horrible fanfics shipping us even though I'm obviously canonically paired with Caius!

Serah: ...Noel, I hate to tell you this, but Caius doesn't love you the way you think he does.

Noel: NO!!! Caius is my eternal lover! You can't separate us! We're like Romeo and Juliet!

Serah: So which one of you dies?

Noel: uh...

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Here goes.... the original post. Don't sue me.

 

*Lightning is strutting her stuff in steel armor and a long feather dress, chilling in Valhalla while riding the Shiva motorcycle that she jacked from Snow*

 

Purple Man: Oh my gosh, it's Lightning!

Lightning: 'Sup? Need an autograph!

Purple Man: Yesssss! I looooved your game! You're so sexyyyy! *takes out autograph book*

Lightning: Sorry... I don't autograph for Kain cosplayers. Stupid Kain and his stupid Jump spam in Duodecim... *walks off*

Purple Man: No!!! I've been waiting to get your autograph since I saw you in the first FF13 trailer! You were so beautiful!

Lightning: You mean the one that was made before SE even started development on the game? That chick wasn't even me, she was just Cloud wearing a Psicom uniform.

Purple Man: Oh... that explains why your character design suddenly changed halfway through develpment...

Lightning: Anyways, see ya' later cosplayer-dude. I'm gonna' Provoke some guy at Etro's rave party and cast Ruin on him while he uses Water on me. See ya'

 

*Lightning rides off*

 

Purple Man: Grr... How dare she insult Caius, the ultimate cosplayer! No weaboo is as magnificent as I! I shall have my revenge, valkyrie girl, just you wait!

Noel: Hey, Caius, did you get Lightning's autograph? I just went over to Serah's house and spent the night. She has a very sturdy table.

Caius: Damn you and your stupid love for anorexid girls! The last one you dated died of starvation because you wouldn't let her eat her birthday cake! If you love Serah so much, why don't you just go on an adventure with her or something?

Noel: That's a great idea! :D

Caius: Argh!!!

 

*Caius pimpslaps Noel into a portal*

 

*Noel wakes up in a mysterious dark room*

 

Serah: Hey baby ;)

Noel: WTF how did I get here?

Serah: Well, this mirror just randomly appeared in my bedroom and you popped out unconscious. I didn't have anywhere to put you so I just laid you down on my bed and slept on top of you.

Noel: Did we do anything?

Serah: No, of course not! You know I'm only into women!

Noel: That's not what Lightning told me.

Serah: She's a conservative. I had to hide my love for women from her. Did you see how hard she slapped Fang in FF13 when she found out Fang and Vanille were lesbians?

Noel: But then... last night...

Serah: You're the closest thing to a woman I can get. If Lightning sees that I'm sleeping with another woman when she gets back from her rave party then she'll kick me out of the house.

Noel: Aren't you old enough to make a living?

Serah: Please! I'm an elementary school teacher. We don't get paid gil!

Noel: Oh, right... what about Snow?

Serah: I just dated him because he's old money. Lightning jacked his motorcycle and punched him so hard he was blasted out of the space-time-continuum.

Noel: Sounds legit.

 

*suddenly, a random crystal pops out of the mirror*

 

Noel: OH MY GOSH IT'S AN ARTEFACT!!!

Serah: Artifact

Noel: Artefact

Serah: Artifact

Noel: Artefact

Serah: Do you not have an education system in the future or something?

Noel: Everyone from my time is dead except for me, this purple Kain cosplayer dude, and a hot anorexic chick with a really bad limp.

Serah: What happens to everybody else?

Noel: You kill them with a moogle.

 

*Serah is quiet*

 

Noel: Anyways, this artefact lets us time-travel.

Serah: Sounds awesome! Let's try it out!

 

*Noel and Serah walk out of the house to test out the artifact. However, they are greeted with the image of a hundred extraterrestrial monsters invading New Bodhum and mercilessly slaughtering the local populace. Blood is sprayed across the sand*

 

Text Box: Battle Tutorial! Spam the X button to win!

Serah: Man, this is pretty hard.

Noel: Tell me about it

 

*After spamming the X button two hundred times, Serah defeats the monsters*

https://www.kh13.com/forums/topic/42470-ff13-2-rewritten/
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