Posted November 17, 201212 yr - DESIRE - There is something I have to tell you I feel like it is weighing me down But before I do, let me tell you this I am not a prince or a king I do not have a crown. I am just a boy A boy with a desire A desire that burns brighter than the brightest fire A desire with all my ire It is strong and even dire. This desire has filled my mind It is all I think about I just have to tell you I need to let it out. For you see, this desire, this desire is for you With your hair of silk and your eyes of blue And for me As I sit with secret glee This one desire... Please, do this for me. If you will do this just once, I will be fine What I want Is your soft lips...on mine. Edited May 6, 201510 yr by Firaga Sensei
November 17, 201212 yr Oh my, this is great! I'm going through a similar situation with a friend from school. Nice job, Firaga! Keep it up. ^w^
November 17, 201212 yr Congratulations!! I kinda identified me with that poem... It's awesome. Make some others if you have inspiration, kay? Edited November 17, 201212 yr by MateusinhoEX
November 17, 201212 yr Author Congratulations!! I kinda identified me with that poem... It's awesome. Make some others if you have inspiration, kay? As it turns out, I do have others. They're called "Guilt" and "Ignored".
November 19, 201212 yr The poem is cute and I like the image/story it's trying to portray, however the poem itself is lacking any rythm or flow. As a result it feels really blocky and awkward. One way to fix that is to get rid of all the ellipsis you threw in and only put them where it feels significant instead of using them for aesthetic means, and to check the amount of syllables you have each line. I hope you write more poems, personally it's one of my favourite writing forms. :}
November 20, 201212 yr Author The poem is cute and I like the image/story it's trying to portray, however the poem itself is lacking any rythm or flow. As a result it feels really blocky and awkward. One way to fix that is to get rid of all the ellipsis you threw in and only put them where it feels significant instead of using them for aesthetic means, and to check the amount of syllables you have each line. I hope you write more poems, personally it's one of my favourite writing forms. :} Thanks for the feedback. I notice that I do have a bad habit of using ellipsis a lot. (If you don't believe me, check out my fanfiction. Yikes. http://kh13.com/forum/public/style_emoticons/default/dry.png ) But, uh, again, thanks, cuz rhythm, as well as flow, is also one of my main flaws. I'm make sure to be aware of these two things next time I write.
Edited by Firaga Sensei