Thanks to Blue Moon and the encouragement of KH13 members who want to have fun and/or see me humiliated, this little pointless fic will forever be associated with me. The actual prompt, given by one Jilly Shears, was literally "Roxas, Sora, Vanitas, and Ventus all walk into a bar." Me being drunk when I got the request, I couldn't refuse. If you have any questions as to the nature of this abomination, the answer will be "alcohol" as far as I'm concerned.
--
The Cauldron in Disney Town didn't attract the general population. Common world culture maintained a pleasant, innocent atmosphere, though it never stopped certain patrons from indulging themselves for a night or five.
None of them knew how or why Vanitas came across the place. Given its out-of-the-way location, near a back alley and located next to a strip club—which raised further questions regarding Disney Town's alleged family-friendliness—it didn't seem easy to find unless one knew what to look for. Then again, this was Vanitas, and he had a tendency to do things.
Anthros in various states of cleanliness and sanity glared at the quartet, but the kids feared nothing as they strolled towards their destination. They dealt with too many Heartless, omnicidal maniacs, and other freaks in their lives to let wasted animals intimidate them.
“The Unversed are connected to you, right?” Ventus asked. “Does that mean if they drink, you get drunk, too?”
“Interesting thought,” Vanitas thought. “I guess tonight will be an experiment.”
“I can't be the only one who remembers we're, like, fifteen,” Roxas said.
Sora flung an arm over his shoulder. “C'mon, Roxas! Lots of people drink, and they wouldn't do it if it wasn't fun.”
“And we're at the world's drinking age, anyway,” Vanitas said. He paused. “Then again, Roxas and I weren't exactly born by normal means. We've only been around for how many years now?”
“Since we're pretty much not even preteens chronologically, does that mean we can turn back?”
A Buckle Bruiser blocked his path. “Are you turning down a night of fun? You need to live a little, brother. I don't think the Organization did you many favors.”
“Well, they were out for world domination. Plus a bunch of drunken Nobodies would've caused some serious damage.” Roxas killed the Buckle Bruiser with a swipe of Oathkeeper.
“Maybe my job would've been easier of the Organization had vodka,” Sora said.
Ventus laughed. “I get the feeling Xehanort thought of his schemes totally wasted.”
“That would honestly explain a lot,” Vanitas said.
“Actually, maybe it would've been harder,” Sora continued. “They wouldn't have been as smart, but without all those inhibition things. Like, Xaldin could've just broken through the window and stabbed Belle. Or Zexion could've hypnotized us into thinking we were tree stumps. Or Demyx could've flooded Hollow Bastion if he wanted to. Okay, I don't think Demyx was that strong, but—”
“Let's just go in,” Roxas said with an eye roll.
A crowd of leery eyes glared at them upon their entrance. The rabbit bartender raised a furry eyebrow at them, not necessarily for their age, but because the four doubted he expected anyone so un-disturbing to set foot into the minefield. Well, Vanitas had that black muscle-suit that gave others the impression of cannibalism, but that didn't explain Ventus, Roxas, and especially Sora. Maybe it was their aura of mess with me and you get a keyblade to the face that compelled most of the bar patrons to ignore them and continue their quest for non-sobriety. Or maybe it was because Vanitas shot a Dark Firaga at the nearest inebriated idiot trying to sneak something; most of them weren't so drunk that they couldn't put two and two together.
Sora took the lead. Vanitas strolled after with Ventus cruising alongside him. Roxas trailed behind, hands in pockets and glaring away another patron fueled by one too many glasses of liquid courage (stupidity?). His brothers made their way towards the main counter, but Roxas, still falling back, caught sight of something that froze him in place, jaw to the floor.
“Xion? And Larxene?! But—but… !”
A dazed Xion broke away from the lips of Larxene in a similar state of incapacitation. Dull yet somehow chaotic eyes regarded Roxas, and Xion a goofy smile grew on Xion's red face. “Oh, hey Roxas! I didn't think you'd come to a place like this.”
Roxas sputtered. “With Larxene. Larxene. How is this even—why would you ever—I thought we—but she's a total—”
Larxene snaked an arm around Xion's waist. “Beat it, pipsqueak. What, did you think you'd get her just 'cause she has a vagina?”
Roxas's brain was too shorted out to answer. Xion and Larxene shrugged and went back to their business, leaving a devastated Roxas to his own agenda of shock, self-pity, and a thought that maybe his brothers were onto something by coming here. He joined them at the counter. Sora quirked an eyebrow.
“Was that Xion? With—”
“Uh-huh.” Roxas's face connected with the table where it remained.
Vanitas shrugged. “Yeah, I kinda figured.”
“How?” asked Ventus.
“Trust me, I can tell these things.”
The black-furred rabbit bartender asked them what they wanted. Sora and Ventus asked them to surprise them, having no experience in the art of Shitfaced-dom, while Vanitas ordered a beer brand they've never heard of. Roxas asked for the strongest shot available. The rabbit fixed their drinks, and Sora, ever the happy-go-lucky one, struck up conversation.
The rabbit bartender introduced himself as Oswald, who scowled and claimed he was the long-lost half-brother of King Mickey himself. Of course, not even Sora believed him, for no one thought alleged royalty would willingly make a living tending to inebriated morons. Oswald finished their drinks regardless, and the brothers clicked their glasses together, even Roxas, who had yet to remove his face from the table. How he would drink was anyone's guess.
Oswald had given Sora and Ventus drinks the taste of which wouldn't make them vomit. Vanitas and Roxas worked on their own drinks (Roxas probably drank with his ears or something) and in no time flat, the brothers would be hard pressed to say or do anything with a remote amount of intelligence.
“So, like, Kairi,” Sora slurred. “Does she like me or what? She got me that lucky charm, and she made that paopu drawing of us in our secret place. But she hasn't really did anything, yanno? And it's weird 'cause when I look at Riku I think—”
“Sora, you're drunk. Go home,” Vanitas said. Roxas grunted, already on his third drink and having yet to move from his depressed position.
“Pretty sure space travel shouldn't be done drunk,” Ventus said. For no particular reason, he started laughing.
They heard a cry of “Hey, Ortensia!” Sora glanced up at a sexy black cat in the doorway, a weary smile on her muzzle. Paying half attention to Oswald's distressed groan and his wish for Mickey to please go to hell, Sora watched the cat wade through the crowd and to a pole. He noticed Xion and Larxene look up from their make-out session to watch Ortensia dance on the pole to the patrons' cheers and whoops. Oswald pulled on his ears and looked as though he wanted to kill himself in humiliation, though Ortensia didn't look much better.
And out of nowhere, a Darkside Heartless broke through the roof. Everyone was too drunk to do anything about it and the Darkside killed them all. Without Sora, the worlds went to hell and all existence was destroyed. This, friends, is why you should never drink alcohol, and this fanfiction is why your humble author should not be allowed access to beer and a word processor.
Thanks to Blue Moon and the encouragement of KH13 members who want to have fun and/or see me humiliated, this little pointless fic will forever be associated with me. The actual prompt, given by one Jilly Shears, was literally "Roxas, Sora, Vanitas, and Ventus all walk into a bar." Me being drunk when I got the request, I couldn't refuse. If you have any questions as to the nature of this abomination, the answer will be "alcohol" as far as I'm concerned.
--
The Cauldron in Disney Town didn't attract the general population. Common world culture maintained a pleasant, innocent atmosphere, though it never stopped certain patrons from indulging themselves for a night or five.
None of them knew how or why Vanitas came across the place. Given its out-of-the-way location, near a back alley and located next to a strip club—which raised further questions regarding Disney Town's alleged family-friendliness—it didn't seem easy to find unless one knew what to look for. Then again, this was Vanitas, and he had a tendency to do things.
Anthros in various states of cleanliness and sanity glared at the quartet, but the kids feared nothing as they strolled towards their destination. They dealt with too many Heartless, omnicidal maniacs, and other freaks in their lives to let wasted animals intimidate them.
“The Unversed are connected to you, right?” Ventus asked. “Does that mean if they drink, you get drunk, too?”
“Interesting thought,” Vanitas thought. “I guess tonight will be an experiment.”
“I can't be the only one who remembers we're, like, fifteen,” Roxas said.
Sora flung an arm over his shoulder. “C'mon, Roxas! Lots of people drink, and they wouldn't do it if it wasn't fun.”
“And we're at the world's drinking age, anyway,” Vanitas said. He paused. “Then again, Roxas and I weren't exactly born by normal means. We've only been around for how many years now?”
“Since we're pretty much not even preteens chronologically, does that mean we can turn back?”
A Buckle Bruiser blocked his path. “Are you turning down a night of fun? You need to live a little, brother. I don't think the Organization did you many favors.”
“Well, they were out for world domination. Plus a bunch of drunken Nobodies would've caused some serious damage.” Roxas killed the Buckle Bruiser with a swipe of Oathkeeper.
“Maybe my job would've been easier of the Organization had vodka,” Sora said.
Ventus laughed. “I get the feeling Xehanort thought of his schemes totally wasted.”
“That would honestly explain a lot,” Vanitas said.
“Actually, maybe it would've been harder,” Sora continued. “They wouldn't have been as smart, but without all those inhibition things. Like, Xaldin could've just broken through the window and stabbed Belle. Or Zexion could've hypnotized us into thinking we were tree stumps. Or Demyx could've flooded Hollow Bastion if he wanted to. Okay, I don't think Demyx was that strong, but—”
“Let's just go in,” Roxas said with an eye roll.
A crowd of leery eyes glared at them upon their entrance. The rabbit bartender raised a furry eyebrow at them, not necessarily for their age, but because the four doubted he expected anyone so un-disturbing to set foot into the minefield. Well, Vanitas had that black muscle-suit that gave others the impression of cannibalism, but that didn't explain Ventus, Roxas, and especially Sora. Maybe it was their aura of mess with me and you get a keyblade to the face that compelled most of the bar patrons to ignore them and continue their quest for non-sobriety. Or maybe it was because Vanitas shot a Dark Firaga at the nearest inebriated idiot trying to sneak something; most of them weren't so drunk that they couldn't put two and two together.
Sora took the lead. Vanitas strolled after with Ventus cruising alongside him. Roxas trailed behind, hands in pockets and glaring away another patron fueled by one too many glasses of liquid courage (stupidity?). His brothers made their way towards the main counter, but Roxas, still falling back, caught sight of something that froze him in place, jaw to the floor.
“Xion? And Larxene?! But—but… !”
A dazed Xion broke away from the lips of Larxene in a similar state of incapacitation. Dull yet somehow chaotic eyes regarded Roxas, and Xion a goofy smile grew on Xion's red face. “Oh, hey Roxas! I didn't think you'd come to a place like this.”
Roxas sputtered. “With Larxene. Larxene. How is this even—why would you ever—I thought we—but she's a total—”
Larxene snaked an arm around Xion's waist. “Beat it, pipsqueak. What, did you think you'd get her just 'cause she has a vagina?”
Roxas's brain was too shorted out to answer. Xion and Larxene shrugged and went back to their business, leaving a devastated Roxas to his own agenda of shock, self-pity, and a thought that maybe his brothers were onto something by coming here. He joined them at the counter. Sora quirked an eyebrow.
“Was that Xion? With—”
“Uh-huh.” Roxas's face connected with the table where it remained.
Vanitas shrugged. “Yeah, I kinda figured.”
“How?” asked Ventus.
“Trust me, I can tell these things.”
The black-furred rabbit bartender asked them what they wanted. Sora and Ventus asked them to surprise them, having no experience in the art of Shitfaced-dom, while Vanitas ordered a beer brand they've never heard of. Roxas asked for the strongest shot available. The rabbit fixed their drinks, and Sora, ever the happy-go-lucky one, struck up conversation.
The rabbit bartender introduced himself as Oswald, who scowled and claimed he was the long-lost half-brother of King Mickey himself. Of course, not even Sora believed him, for no one thought alleged royalty would willingly make a living tending to inebriated morons. Oswald finished their drinks regardless, and the brothers clicked their glasses together, even Roxas, who had yet to remove his face from the table. How he would drink was anyone's guess.
Oswald had given Sora and Ventus drinks the taste of which wouldn't make them vomit. Vanitas and Roxas worked on their own drinks (Roxas probably drank with his ears or something) and in no time flat, the brothers would be hard pressed to say or do anything with a remote amount of intelligence.
“So, like, Kairi,” Sora slurred. “Does she like me or what? She got me that lucky charm, and she made that paopu drawing of us in our secret place. But she hasn't really did anything, yanno? And it's weird 'cause when I look at Riku I think—”
“Sora, you're drunk. Go home,” Vanitas said. Roxas grunted, already on his third drink and having yet to move from his depressed position.
“Pretty sure space travel shouldn't be done drunk,” Ventus said. For no particular reason, he started laughing.
They heard a cry of “Hey, Ortensia!” Sora glanced up at a sexy black cat in the doorway, a weary smile on her muzzle. Paying half attention to Oswald's distressed groan and his wish for Mickey to please go to hell, Sora watched the cat wade through the crowd and to a pole. He noticed Xion and Larxene look up from their make-out session to watch Ortensia dance on the pole to the patrons' cheers and whoops. Oswald pulled on his ears and looked as though he wanted to kill himself in humiliation, though Ortensia didn't look much better.
And out of nowhere, a Darkside Heartless broke through the roof. Everyone was too drunk to do anything about it and the Darkside killed them all. Without Sora, the worlds went to hell and all existence was destroyed. This, friends, is why you should never drink alcohol, and this fanfiction is why your humble author should not be allowed access to beer and a word processor.