This could be just another bit of my growing psychosis. But ever since he died, i've seen things- spots, garbage, markings, pretty much anything- in the shape of a heart. I find at least 1 heart-shaped thing a day. It reminds me of him, makes me think he is still watching me, it almost makes me feel what's dead in me reborn again, these...dead emotions, their scars on my heart activating when I think of him. GAHH! DEMON! THINE TRICKS OF DARK WOULD'ST REACH THIS FAR INTO ME! Into my mind, into my sight, making me think he is sending me hearts, that he has made it to Heaven-NO! IT IS HIM! Oh nephew, as I had promised, I think of you every day. Your soul lives on within my fading memories. Oh Destin. My sweet, sweet nephew, my first nephew, how i've lost the emotion of sadness and tears when I witnessed your funeral. Ahh I still remember it as if it were 5 minutes ago, ahh funerals are so boring, no emotion to spill for passing time all I can do is stare at the floor. How old were you when it happened? 4? Yes, 4. That was many years ago, you'd be 8 years old now. I picture you watching me up in Heaven, answering small prayers I ask for rainfall on a clouded day, or a sign of heart. Even he cannot touch you nephew, you were so young, still at the age of holy innocence. Of course you'd make it to Heaven, ahhhh my dear nephew, I even feel gusts of wind sometimes balling up along the palm of my hand and across my arm, as if you were holding my hand. T'would make sense, you were, after all, born in October- a month of wind. Maybe when its my turn to fall, that I have not sinned enough by him, to stand next to you once again. My nephew, are you there? .....yes. Kh13, I am sorry for babbling on like this, I just must ask, is it religion that follows these signs, or just my pure insanity getting me once again? Answer me this, that is a wish from a scarred heart and mind.

it gets easyer the more people that die around me the more i become num to it:s i've been to over 32.7 funerals (the .7 is when i didn't stay long)

 

but eventuall you'll be happy again and can live your like without stoping to think about if i could have done some thing or if i took his place (trust mei've done that senerio over 100 times)

 

:-/

I'm not really sure about what you're talking but what I know is that human being have always been afraid of the unknown, for us death is still part of this mistery as most of us can't understand it and what happens next. For me it's a part of life that all of us will have to go through someday and yes I believe in life after death and most religions do so I guess that's it.

Oh no, I understand fully and completely what will happen to me when I die. And suppose that the more deaths I witness the more numb I will become. Its almost good enough to laugh about, if only I could smile about it though, but I suppose a fake smile is good enough. I have decided that he really is watching me, up there, in Heaven, the land where light shines in every direction, where there are no shadows casted, only light. My only goal in life, is to live good enough, so that I can stand next to him once again, and maybe....even get my emotions back once more. But for now I guess its good to be numb, 2 funerals is enough for me I guess, I wonder who is the next to die?

If you're going to live like that you'll never be good enough, we can't leave waiting for death just to stay near the ones we love and that are already gone, we have to be prepared to leave so many things here but we can't be waiting for the end, I guess I understand how you feel but for me death isn't something for you to cry about neither to laugh, that proves how wrong we feel, when someone leaves us we tend to be sad for months or even years, but why? Because we thought that person belonged to us, that's wrong, no one belongs to us, they just are passing through our lifes and one day will have to leave.

We all have a destiny, that was even his name- Destin. I am unsure what his meaning was in life, he only lived for 4 years then died in a car fire explosion. So what are you commanding that I must do? Forget my plans and live my life embracing what little emotions I have left, to falsely enjoy it with others? Thats not a very good reason.

I didn't say that, I know your problem, you just hold on to any bad things that happened to you instead of trying to see the good points, we have a destiny of course, but mostly it's our choice what it'll be, how can somebody know what's going to happen with us in the future, each choice we make can change it. Everything in life have a reason but we can't know them if we're not prepared, if you look at things with other eyes you can see if they were really bad. I think that most of times the better option is to let your feelings out, you say you don't have much emotion, or is it that you can't show them?

I didn't say that, I know your problem, you just hold on to any bad things that happened to you instead of trying to see the good points, we have a destiny of course, but mostly it's our choice what it'll be, how can somebody know what's going to happen with us in the future, each choice we make can change it. Everything in life have a reason but we can't know them if we're not prepared, if you look at things with other eyes you can see if they were really bad. I think that most of times the better option is to let your feelings out, you say you don't have much emotion, or is it that you can't show them?

 

No, their gone. But the feeling of nuiasince is still in me. I don't only hang onto the bad things, if that were true, i'd either be dead or prone to dying. I am hanging onto the good but i'm getting severly pissed off now by many things.

That's the truth of life, it's made of suffering not from hapiness, anyway we have to continue living. From everything I learned we won't find the good feelings here in other people if the world continues this way.

Whatever. This world consists of those regular and insane. Good thing i'm only partially insane, if you count 75% partial.

I don't think so, you aren't really insane, at least I don't see you like that. But we're the ones who know ourselves, I can't really be sure.

I don't think so, you aren't really insane, at least I don't see you like that. But we're the ones who know ourselves, I can't really be sure.

 

You don't understand the mind. There is an equal flow of mental patterns or energy patters flowing through the brain in everyone, but under some circumstances these patterns might leak or break or bend differently from where they usually were flowing, causing strange messages to pass through the brain either for pictures to appear before your eyes that arn't actually there, or voices to happen that arn't there either. It is clinically and really an illness, known as psychosis, those that have a drastic change in mental flow go as you would see crazy people on t.v. Others have a less drastic change in flow, like me, who are still calculable but it is still there. THis matter can be taken scientifically, clinically, or rumorously. You don't know me, You still can't see, What goes through the mind, That makes me blind. We are through the internet, through chat you cannot even tell if the other is speaking sarastically or not. Belive what you wish, but there are no 4's so Go Fish.

That's what I said, how come I can know, I don't really know who you are there's nothing left to say about.

Closed because I don't want this to turn ugly. But I'll respect your wishes to still allow people to read what you're going through.