Introduction:

When Sora was on his journey to save Terra, Aqua, Ven, Axel, Roxas, Xion, and Namine, there was another keyblade weilder beginning his journey to become a keyblade master. The boy's name was Aero. He was in training in the Land of Departure along with his female friend Mizu (means Water in Japanese) and his male friend and rival Tsuchi (means Earth in Japanese). Aero, Mizu, and Tsuchi are training under their master, Master Hinote (hinote means fire in Japanese). Aero was about 17, Mizu was about 18, and Tsuchi was about 19 and Master Hinote is about 59. Little did they know that new enemies await to destroy the keyblade weilders of the light. His name was Ankoku. He too was a keyblade weilder but of the dark.

 

 

Prolague: Aero, Mizu and Tsuchi were in the palace of Land of Departure. Master Hinote was in the palace and said "We are ready to begin the training for our keyblade apprentices: Aero, Mizu, and Tsuchi. They all are formidable keyblade weilders and are all very talented. "Let's begin the Keyblade Master training! As you know, only two can become the keyblade master out of you three. Let the training begin!" exclaimed Master Hinote shouted. He summoned orbs of light. Aero summoned his Kingdom Key, Mizu summoned her Flames of Bond, and Tsuchi summoned his Way to Dawn. "Guys are you ready?" asked Aero to his two friends. Mizu smiled "Of course" said Mizu. Tsuchi smirked "Of course, shrimp, Mizu and I are gonna become keyblade masters while you, shrimp can try out next year" Aero smiled a little bit at his name "shirmp" "Heh, not a chance, Mizu and I are gonna become keyblade masters" said Aero. Meanwhile, unseen, a man, who looked like he was about 25 snuck into the arena and turned the orbs of light into orbs of darkness. "What's going on" asked Mizu. "I'm not sure" said Master Hinote. "Whatever, let's get this over with" said Tsuchi. Aero smiled cunningly. All 3 of them charged at the orbs of darkness

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End of Prolague.

Again, some grammer mistakes, but otherwise pretty good ^^

 

I like this chapter (:

The shorter ones are easier to read, 'cause Lexi's lazy

 

F*ck skool no 1 needz et

yez noes ones nees ist D8< (BTW, this will be in the pov of the Mysterious Figure)

 

 

Chapter 12: The Mysterious Figure's Secret

 

I see them both looking in shock. They cannot move due to my time stopping. I come in front of them and I resume time and in a blink of a eye, I summon clones and they attack the 2 woman relentlessly. The woman with the pink shirt got hit into the wall and the woman with the blue dress and green eyes got thrown to the ground. I de-summon the clones that I summoned. Suddenly, the girl in pink and the woman with the blue dress use a sudden force of whirl wind and my hood fell off. The woman in pink gasped. Apparently, she's known something about myself, but I do not remember her. The girl in the blue dress looked slashed me so quickly that I couldn't move back time to heal myself. She struck me with such force and I collapsed. Before I passed out, I heard the woman who slashed me said

"Kairi, what's wrong?" asked the woman as I passed out.

 

As I passed out, I saw many visions. I saw a girl with the same coat as me, and she looked almost exactly the same as the girl with the pink shirt, except she had black hair. I saw the girl with black hair sitting with a man with spikey brown hair with the same coat and another man with spikey red hair. They were sitting at a clock tower eating ice cream while they were chattering and staring at the sunset.

 

 

 

I saw another vision at a castle with a man who looked like exactly the same as the man with the brown spikey hair except, he had no coat on. That man was talking to another man, who looked quite muscular and had brown hair and a woman who looked quite beautiful with blue hair and blue eyes.

 

 

 

I saw one final vision. This time of a man who looked like he was about 15 with brown spikey hair and he had a red black and yellow shirt on. He was with a duck and a mouse.

 

 

When I woke up, the woman in a pink shirt and the woman who had slashed me left. I put my hood back on. I summoned my dual blades, but not only did I have my dual blades, I had something else. I had a thing that looked like a keyblade that was brown. I precived the word of the keyblade in my mind: Wayward Wind. I suddenly realized what I needed to do. I teleported away from where I was back to where Xehanort was.

 

 

End of Chapter 12.

I like it! ^^

(Another chapter with the PoV of Mysterious Figure)

 

 

The Threat Chapter 13:

 

I was back in Radiant Garden and went into the castle and approached Xehanort. "Xehanort, isn't there any other way to get revenge, without killing them?" I asked. I realized what I was doing wrong. I recieved the memories of all of them. I'm not sure who I am, but I couldn't kill Sora and the others.

 

 

Xehanort just glared at me and started choking me and summoned his keyblade. He put the keyblade near my throat. "Number XV. You will execute your plan. If not, then you shall be erased forever, to return to darkness forever" threatened Xehanort. Suddenly, a wierd darkness developed in myself. I stopped becoming disobident towards Xehanort. I wanted to follow his rules, I felt almost... possesed. "Yes, Master Xehanort. I will obey you" I said. Xehanort nodded. "Now get going!" ordered Xehanort. "Destroy Sora once and for all!" commanded Xehanort. I bowed. "Yes Master, I will not fail." I went into space.

 

 

I can't describe how I felt right then and there. I felt as if Xehanort was controlling me. It was as if all of my will was banished into the back of my mind. Xehanort spoke in my mind. 'He knows the truth, Sora does. He will destroy you. He hates you. You should be treated with more respect' said Xehanort in my mind. "Yes, Master Xehanort" I said blankly.

Nice ^^

 

A little more detail would be nice, though. When you said

Xehanort just glared at me and started choking me and summoned his keyblade.

It confused me for a minute. You could've explained how his face contorted and even that he reached out to choke MF. Unless you mean it like in a Darth Vader way? x3

I meant choking like Darth Vader style

 

The Possesion Chapter 14:

 

The Mysterious Figure landed at Land of Departure once again. Sora and Aero landed at the same time and saw the Mysterious Figure. "Sora..." muttered the Mysterious Figure. "Who are you?" asked Sora The Mysterious Figure took out his dual blades.

 

 

 

Sora and Aero, alarmed, leaped back. Sora summoned his Ultumia Weapon and Aero summoned Fresh Breeze. "Get ready" said Sora. Aero nodded. Aero used Fire Strike Raid and Sora used Ars Acnumn. The Mysterious Figure smirked with his piercing gold eyes. The Mysterious Figure, when Sora charged at him with Ars Acnumn, used aeroagra and sent Sora flying at Aero and they both were knocked to the ground. Sora also got hit by the fire strike raid, that Aero meant to throw at the Mysterious Figure.

 

 

Sora got up slowly and very quickly, charged at the Mysterious Figure and slashed him. Aero got up slowly. He was still wincing from the pain when Sora collapsed on him. Aero used blizzardaga on the Mysterious Figure, but the Mysterious Figure slashed at Sora relentlessly, before Sora could slash the Mysterious Figure. "UGH!" exclaimed Sora. Sora fell to the ground.

 

 

 

"I'm afraid you cannot defeat me." said the Mysterious Figure. The Mysterious Figure Figure took off his hood. He had golden eyes and spikey brown hair. "Roxas??" asked Sora. The Myserious Figure shook his head. "No fool. I am not Roxas. Only Roxas knows who I truly am" said the Mysterious Figure.

 

 

 

Suddenly, a huge light engulfed the location of where Sora, Aero and the Mysterious Figure were. Another hooded man appeared. When he summoned his weapons, it was the Oathkeeper and the Oblivion. When he took off his hood, he had brown spikey hair.

 

 

"Roxas?" asked Sora. Roxas nodded, but his attention was focused on the Mysterious Figue. "... Why... do you look so familiar?" asked Roxas. The Mysterious Figure sneered. "I expected this. You do not remember me. But soon... you will be all mine! You shall scrumb to darknesss! HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA!!!!!!" exclaimed the Mysterious Figure

 

 

 

 

End of Chapter 14

It's good.

 

I was going to comment on some things, but Cella beat me to it. So you can read her's again for my criticism.

 

The other problem that wasn't addressed is following KH logic within your fanfic. Because this involved the characters and some worlds, then I expected to find to follow some key things from the series. Right in your first paragraph of the first post, you said the three were at Land of Departure. But wasn't that turned into Castle Oblivion in Birth by Sleep, perhaps? Then the next paragraph, you gave the characters Keyblades that Sora and Riku have, which really doesn't make much sense, when they are already co-existing with them. It's ok to twist of some of the things around, but you should follow the logic as if you were making a new KH game.

 

But other than that, everything seems ok.