So I'm working on a story, and my editor is too lazy to work, and I just want to know if it's good or not. This is only the first part of chapter one. I'm used to writing rps so I'm finding it hard to write more than this, and I'm wondering if it needs more detail or what. Could someone please give me their honest opinion and some pointers?
And yes, this is a Naruto story, a MadaraXOC fic.
A girl stood at the gates of Amegakure, her dark hair and clothes damp from the
light rain that fell before the downpour obscuring the village. She
narrowed her eyes at the darkening clouds, having learned many times
how powerful small villages could be.
Amegakure was no exception.
She hesitated before walking into the village, a wave of uneasiness
coming over her. She'd met up with Pein more than once now, and
nothing had
happened. Now she was simply handing over the information he'd requested.
Nothing to worry about. Just a day like any other. *Stop worrying.
You're not some child that needs coddling.*
Even as she repeatedly told herself that, she still couldn't shake the
feeling, looming over her like the storm clouds overhead. She
shivered,
pulling her cloak closed as a sudden gust of wind turned the rain into
small icy daggers. She longed to be back in the Fire Country, under
the
warm, comforting sun. To go meet up with Saezuri...perhaps stay awhile...
She immedately pulled herself from her thoughts, dodging shuriken that
embedded themselves in the ground, less than two inches away from her.
She glanced up at the
cloaked figure standing a few feet away, her eyes cold as the icy rain
that fell before them.
She narrowed them as she noticed it wasn't Pein, but someone in an
orange mask. She looked over it carefully, noticing a swirling pattern
in the mask strangly resembling a lollipop. *An Akatsuki cloak too.
And that chakra...I've never seen anything so dark, and cold..*
She blinked and the figure, along with any trace of his chilling
chakra completely
disapeared. "What?" She gasped, whirling around as she felt that
chakra behind her, only to see nothing. A sudden hit from behind sent
her skidding
across the wet pavement as she fought to regain her balance. She
stood, looking up at him, ready to let out a string of insults when
she locked eyes with him.
Her eyes widened as they came in contact with his whirling Sharingan,
unable to look away, frozen by fear.
Her body was telling her to run, her mind screaming to look away.
Move...Move...*Move damn it!*
Her breath quickened, as she fought to regain control of her
movements. She knew how grave this situation could turn
if she didn't look away, dealings with Itachi Uchiha had taught her that.
But his eyes kept her trapped there, unable to breath properly, let alone move.
He laughed, soft yet bitter with an edge as sharp as a razor blade. She was
thankfull for that, as it allowed her to compose herself, and break
free from those damned eyes.
She didn't want to run. To be a coward. But what choice did she have?
If she stayed, tried to fight him, she wouldn't stand a chance.
Did she want to die? To dishonor her brother? *Never.*
So she locked away her pride, and ran like hell.
She didn't get fair, choaking as she skidded to a halt as he appeared
in front of her. She certainly didn't count on such a person being
able to outrun her. He grabbed her by the throat, slamming her into
the nearest
solid object. She hissed in protest as searing pain ran up her spine,
fighting to get free. He only tightened his hold on her neck, using
his other hand to keep her still.
"Let's not be hasty. I'd rather speak to you on my terms." He said,
his visable eye melting into a Mangekyo Sharingan.
So I'm working on a story, and my editor is too lazy to work, and I just want to know if it's good or not. This is only the first part of chapter one. I'm used to writing rps so I'm finding it hard to write more than this, and I'm wondering if it needs more detail or what. Could someone please give me their honest opinion and some pointers?
And yes, this is a Naruto story, a MadaraXOC fic.
A girl stood at the gates of Amegakure, her dark hair and clothes damp from the
light rain that fell before the downpour obscuring the village. She
narrowed her eyes at the darkening clouds, having learned many times
how powerful small villages could be.
Amegakure was no exception.
She hesitated before walking into the village, a wave of uneasiness
coming over her. She'd met up with Pein more than once now, and
nothing had
happened. Now she was simply handing over the information he'd requested.
Nothing to worry about. Just a day like any other. *Stop worrying.
You're not some child that needs coddling.*
Even as she repeatedly told herself that, she still couldn't shake the
feeling, looming over her like the storm clouds overhead. She
shivered,
pulling her cloak closed as a sudden gust of wind turned the rain into
small icy daggers. She longed to be back in the Fire Country, under
the
warm, comforting sun. To go meet up with Saezuri...perhaps stay awhile...
She immedately pulled herself from her thoughts, dodging shuriken that
embedded themselves in the ground, less than two inches away from her.
She glanced up at the
cloaked figure standing a few feet away, her eyes cold as the icy rain
that fell before them.
She narrowed them as she noticed it wasn't Pein, but someone in an
orange mask. She looked over it carefully, noticing a swirling pattern
in the mask strangly resembling a lollipop. *An Akatsuki cloak too.
And that chakra...I've never seen anything so dark, and cold..*
She blinked and the figure, along with any trace of his chilling
chakra completely
disapeared. "What?" She gasped, whirling around as she felt that
chakra behind her, only to see nothing. A sudden hit from behind sent
her skidding
across the wet pavement as she fought to regain her balance. She
stood, looking up at him, ready to let out a string of insults when
she locked eyes with him.
Her eyes widened as they came in contact with his whirling Sharingan,
unable to look away, frozen by fear.
Her body was telling her to run, her mind screaming to look away.
Move...Move...*Move damn it!*
Her breath quickened, as she fought to regain control of her
movements. She knew how grave this situation could turn
if she didn't look away, dealings with Itachi Uchiha had taught her that.
But his eyes kept her trapped there, unable to breath properly, let alone move.
He laughed, soft yet bitter with an edge as sharp as a razor blade. She was
thankfull for that, as it allowed her to compose herself, and break
free from those damned eyes.
She didn't want to run. To be a coward. But what choice did she have?
If she stayed, tried to fight him, she wouldn't stand a chance.
Did she want to die? To dishonor her brother? *Never.*
So she locked away her pride, and ran like hell.
She didn't get fair, choaking as she skidded to a halt as he appeared
in front of her. She certainly didn't count on such a person being
able to outrun her. He grabbed her by the throat, slamming her into
the nearest
solid object. She hissed in protest as searing pain ran up her spine,
fighting to get free. He only tightened his hold on her neck, using
his other hand to keep her still.
"Let's not be hasty. I'd rather speak to you on my terms." He said,
his visable eye melting into a Mangekyo Sharingan.
She could swear he was smirking under that mask.