Text Need an honest opinion.

[King Riku 2,063]

So I'm working on a story, and my editor is too lazy to work, and I just want to know if it's good or not. This is only the first part of chapter one. I'm used to writing rps so I'm finding it hard to write more than this, and I'm wondering if it needs more detail or what. Could someone please give me their honest opinion and some pointers?

 

And yes, this is a Naruto story, a MadaraXOC fic.

 

A girl stood at the gates of Amegakure, her dark hair and clothes damp from the

light rain that fell before the downpour obscuring the village. She

narrowed her eyes at the darkening clouds, having learned many times

how powerful small villages could be.

Amegakure was no exception.

She hesitated before walking into the village, a wave of uneasiness

coming over her. She'd met up with Pein more than once now, and

nothing had

happened. Now she was simply handing over the information he'd requested.

Nothing to worry about. Just a day like any other. *Stop worrying.

You're not some child that needs coddling.*

Even as she repeatedly told herself that, she still couldn't shake the

feeling, looming over her like the storm clouds overhead. She

shivered,

pulling her cloak closed as a sudden gust of wind turned the rain into

small icy daggers. She longed to be back in the Fire Country, under

the

warm, comforting sun. To go meet up with Saezuri...perhaps stay awhile...

She immedately pulled herself from her thoughts, dodging shuriken that

embedded themselves in the ground, less than two inches away from her.

She glanced up at the

cloaked figure standing a few feet away, her eyes cold as the icy rain

that fell before them.

She narrowed them as she noticed it wasn't Pein, but someone in an

orange mask. She looked over it carefully, noticing a swirling pattern

in the mask strangly resembling a lollipop. *An Akatsuki cloak too.

And that chakra...I've never seen anything so dark, and cold..*

She blinked and the figure, along with any trace of his chilling

chakra completely

disapeared. "What?" She gasped, whirling around as she felt that

chakra behind her, only to see nothing. A sudden hit from behind sent

her skidding

across the wet pavement as she fought to regain her balance. She

stood, looking up at him, ready to let out a string of insults when

she locked eyes with him.

Her eyes widened as they came in contact with his whirling Sharingan,

unable to look away, frozen by fear.

Her body was telling her to run, her mind screaming to look away.

Move...Move...*Move damn it!*

Her breath quickened, as she fought to regain control of her

movements. She knew how grave this situation could turn

if she didn't look away, dealings with Itachi Uchiha had taught her that.

But his eyes kept her trapped there, unable to breath properly, let alone move.

He laughed, soft yet bitter with an edge as sharp as a razor blade. She was

thankfull for that, as it allowed her to compose herself, and break

free from those damned eyes.

She didn't want to run. To be a coward. But what choice did she have?

If she stayed, tried to fight him, she wouldn't stand a chance.

Did she want to die? To dishonor her brother? *Never.*

So she locked away her pride, and ran like hell.

She didn't get fair, choaking as she skidded to a halt as he appeared

in front of her. She certainly didn't count on such a person being

able to outrun her. He grabbed her by the throat, slamming her into

the nearest

solid object. She hissed in protest as searing pain ran up her spine,

fighting to get free. He only tightened his hold on her neck, using

his other hand to keep her still.

"Let's not be hasty. I'd rather speak to you on my terms." He said,

his visable eye melting into a Mangekyo Sharingan.

She could swear he was smirking under that mask.

[Snow 1,800]

I can't put it into words.

Will "Awesome story!" suffice?

[King Riku 2,063]

Seriously? I thought it sucked http://kh13.com/forum/public/style_emoticons/default/ohmy.png

[Matthew 74]

I hope you don't blame me for this but I am too lazy to read that block of text http://kh13.com/forum/public/style_emoticons/default/smiley-confuse.png

[King Riku 2,063]

I do not. I'm that lazy sometimes too

[Shana09 5,769]

Can u put it in a sentence or two to describe what u wrote... for the lazy people

[King Riku 2,063]

Ah, like a summery?

[Shana09 5,769]

lol ya like a summary of what happened

[Protoman 1,974]

Question: What's with the odd format?

[King Riku 2,063]

I had originally written it on my 3ds in an email to a friend, and it got messed up like that. And I was in a rush when I posted so I couldn't fix it.

 

And I really can't make a summery of this, not only am I not good with them, but it defeats the purpose of this.

[SoraKH 793]

_{Good Work!!!!}

[coolwings 1,546]

Wow...... Normally I can't read a whole lot of a post but once I started reading I couldn't stop.................. I really enjoyed it ..... I wish I could write as good as you

[Snow 1,800]

Seriously? I thought it sucked http://kh13.com/forum/public/style_emoticons/default/ohmy.png

 

I thought mine sucked.

Then people said "YOU SHOULD WRITE BOOKS MAN" and stuff like that so I continued to improve myself.

[King Riku 2,063]

Thanks alot guys, you've all made me feel really good about this. I'm definately going to work on finishing this 8D