im thinking of entering this in a contest. i want some opinion cause all im getting is : its nice.

 

An quiet feild, a soft cool breeze,

 

Red water feeds the grass.

 

Flowing from a hundred springs laying all amassed.

 

What happened here? In this quiet place?

 

No one can recall...

 

The who they were, why they fought

 

Or that hatred killed them all.

 

And these brave men- who gave their lives-

 

Were not killed once but twice.

 

First by each other,

 

And then by US.

 

Who all forgot their fight.

That's a great poem!

ill be honest with you, cause Honesty is the best policy but u need to work on it. u need to know how to use words that flow with each other, give a meaning to the poem, and makes sense when said. im justing saying that it needs more work. sorry if i was offensive at all!.

The metre could be a bit more even, and there could be more rhyme, be it internal or phrasal - that one rhyme of "recall" with "all" seems slightly jarring amidst mostly non-rhyming lines.

 

And I would disagree with SquareSora, I think your imagery works quite well in conveying the desired meaning. I would say that the grammar and syntax do slightly muddle the conveyance, so revising those two aspects would also be good. For example, consider splitting "Flowing from a hundred springs laying all amassed" into two lines, or at least adding a comma after 'springs'.

 

Also, it should be "A quiet field", not "An quiet field".

Edited July 18, 201213 yr by islandboy461

square sora, to be honest i agree with you. thank you for your honesty.

 

islandboy,yeah i konow it needs some work in the ryme or no rhym department. and i didnt mean for it to be 'an'. i reread it and i didnt even notice befor you said anything.

 

this is just a thought. the poems arent due for a while so, yeah. i have time to work on it.

AWSOME!!