I just need to do this. I don't know how to tell people how I feel, I have a hard time explaining it, and it comes out all wrong...So, I'm just going to pretend none of you are here. I won't even be reading the replies, so say whatever you wish. But this is who I am.
Some basic little things are that I hate drinking out of any cup that isn't a coffee cup unless I go out to eat, in which any cup is ok, I need perfect organization with my things in a way that could really only make sense to me, I hate cleaning but I can't stand to leave things a mess, I need to leave the tv on when browsing the internet as background noise so I don't get lonely or paranoid about ghosts or animals or bad things...I hate to be left alone, but most of the time I am anyway...Up until a few months ago, I didn't know who I was, I couldn't be who I truly am. I put myself down and think very badly of myself a lot. I make a lot of mistakes...I try so hard not to make mistakes that I slip up and make more anyway. I have memories of things that never happened...and I honestly believe them to be true. And because of that, I can't be sure...Because these were my thoughts and feelings, I can't prove them...So what am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to think? I feel so lost and helpless and alone...and scared. I'm so very scared! Because I don't know what's real! I don't know what to do! I want to accept the past so I can finally move on and actually have a future, but I don't know what the past is! And it hurts so much! And I'm crying so hard...I'm so firetrucking scared. Scared of so many things. Scared of not knowing the truth of my past, scared of messing up the best thing that has ever happened to me, scared of who I once was, and scared of hurting the most important person in the world to me...I don't ever want to be who I once was, I hate that person...She isn't me. It feels like a stranger in my memories, because who I am now would never do those things...I think, I hope, that I'm kind and loyal, and that I am a good person...Sometimes I feel like such a horrible person...I want to help people. I don't want anyone to have to go through what I once had. I don't want anyone to ever be as depressed and miserable as I was...They're horrible things to feel. Feeling that you are truly alone, and that no one could ever want you around. Like all you ever did was burden people and make their lives harder...like you should have never existed.
No one deserves to feel that.
And I am miserable, and depressed, and lost, and hurt, and alone...And these feelings won't go away. They won't ever go away, not until I am finally where it is I want to be. Where I'm meant to be. I was supposed to be there tomorrow...But I firetrucked that up too, with more mistakes and carelessness. And I hurt that person that I should never, ever hurt...And I won't ever forgive myself for this.I was being serious when I said I wouldn't be reading any of the replies to this thread. So you can say whatever you want. It won't change how I feel, your opinions are your own, and it won't change who I am. And sometimes...I used to wish they would.
I just need to do this. I don't know how to tell people how I feel, I have a hard time explaining it, and it comes out all wrong...So, I'm just going to pretend none of you are here. I won't even be reading the replies, so say whatever you wish. But this is who I am.
Some basic little things are that I hate drinking out of any cup that isn't a coffee cup unless I go out to eat, in which any cup is ok, I need perfect organization with my things in a way that could really only make sense to me, I hate cleaning but I can't stand to leave things a mess, I need to leave the tv on when browsing the internet as background noise so I don't get lonely or paranoid about ghosts or animals or bad things...I hate to be left alone, but most of the time I am anyway...Up until a few months ago, I didn't know who I was, I couldn't be who I truly am. I put myself down and think very badly of myself a lot. I make a lot of mistakes...I try so hard not to make mistakes that I slip up and make more anyway. I have memories of things that never happened...and I honestly believe them to be true. And because of that, I can't be sure...Because these were my thoughts and feelings, I can't prove them...So what am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to think? I feel so lost and helpless and alone...and scared. I'm so very scared! Because I don't know what's real! I don't know what to do! I want to accept the past so I can finally move on and actually have a future, but I don't know what the past is! And it hurts so much! And I'm crying so hard...I'm so firetrucking scared. Scared of so many things. Scared of not knowing the truth of my past, scared of messing up the best thing that has ever happened to me, scared of who I once was, and scared of hurting the most important person in the world to me...I don't ever want to be who I once was, I hate that person...She isn't me. It feels like a stranger in my memories, because who I am now would never do those things...I think, I hope, that I'm kind and loyal, and that I am a good person...Sometimes I feel like such a horrible person...I want to help people. I don't want anyone to have to go through what I once had. I don't want anyone to ever be as depressed and miserable as I was...They're horrible things to feel. Feeling that you are truly alone, and that no one could ever want you around. Like all you ever did was burden people and make their lives harder...like you should have never existed.
No one deserves to feel that.
And I am miserable, and depressed, and lost, and hurt, and alone...And these feelings won't go away. They won't ever go away, not until I am finally where it is I want to be. Where I'm meant to be. I was supposed to be there tomorrow...But I firetrucked that up too, with more mistakes and carelessness. And I hurt that person that I should never, ever hurt...And I won't ever forgive myself for this.I was being serious when I said I wouldn't be reading any of the replies to this thread. So you can say whatever you want. It won't change how I feel, your opinions are your own, and it won't change who I am. And sometimes...I used to wish they would.