I was very hesitant about making this post because there's no real problem to say when I tell you all that I feel terrible. Like the title says, I don't know exactly what to say. I can start by saying I feel really sad, and I want to say depressed but since I've never been diagnosed depressed I wouldn't know what depression feels like. For those of you who PM me or know me a bit better you would know I've been down on and off for some years. I was once suicidal, once, and I will probably never go back to that again. I don't want to ever. I KNOW I wont go back to that again because that scares me, and Im a coward. It might be because it's December and the year is ending that I feel so tragic because another year is passing me up. And I'm having trouble writing this because I keep stopping and staring at my keyboard, and I don't know if it's because I'm thinking about what I should say and what I shouldn't say, or how to say it, or if it's because I feel so bad I'm not concentrating on this post.
Maybe I feel bad because I don't have many friends. I have 4 good friends I call my best friends, and only two I still keep in touch with daily, and I can feel us start to fall out.
I was making another, but our relationship ended because we had a disagreement. Im going to be blunt and say that I suck at being social. And it's not that I can't make friends because I joke around enough that people would want to hang with me, but its that people make me sad and uncomfortable. When I'm in groups of people I feel lonely, and I make jokes and laugh at other peoples when really I'm not having fun at all.
It could be that I'm going to get kicked out of school soon, don't ask, its something that could have been avoided but I was stupid and messed up, because I'm really good at messing up.
And its not my sister, because my sister and I barely talk anymore.
There is one thing Ive talked about with only one person in my life and that is Fulminata, and it could be that.
But in the end it is probably not these things because I've been sad for years. And I feel sorry for my parents because they worry about me but I have nothing to tell them when they ask whats wrong. Because I dont know whats wrong. The thing is my parents don't know I feel so bad, and I haven't told them I've felt so bad all this time because if I do they will ask why, and I don't know what to tell them. But my parents aren't stupid and its hard to hide tragicness so every now and then they catch me and ask what's up with me, and I can lie and say that its school work or I'm tired or something. And also I don't tell them because I'm terrified of telling them. When I try to talk to my parents about things, they have a way of making me feel like I'm a little child.They belittle me without trying to. They have such strong opinions of things I feel like I have no way of convincing them to see my side. I feel like the conversation is over before it has began, so I end up nodding to drop the subject and cry, because in case you haven't noticed I'm sensitive. I hate being sensitive but I am, and I cry when I don't want to. I'm also afraid of telling them because I'm worried one, they won't take it seriously and tell me I'm overreacting or just being dramatic, or two they WILL take it seriously, ask me why I am this way, and I won't have anything to answer the question. I feel sorry for my parents because I wish they could have had a perfect daughter who would be social and do well in school and just wasn't so firetrucking gloomy all the time, and other times I just want to block them out because they don't help me with this at all.
I know I'm blessed. I'm grateful I have so many good things in my life like a family, and a house, and a bed, and people who care about me. I am so aware how great my life is, and yet this makes me feel even worse because if I'm so blessed, why can't I just be happy?
I know things can be worse, but telling myself it can be worse, is like putting me up to scale a building. You can tell me if I fall things will be worse, but then I'm just left standing scared clinging to a wall and I have nowhere to go. I wish someone would move the wall or give me a hammer to break the wall, but no, I'm just frightened trying to move a wall that won't budge, all the while I am reminded that if I fall things will be worse.
I don't even feel anything though. I feel like a sad nothing. I feel like today I just gave up, but I don't know what I gave up.I feel like I'm done with everything. I feel a sad empty.
I used to wake up crying. I would wake up in the middle of crying in the morning, or I would wake up and I would just start crying because I would feel sad. I've done this about three times. I asked my sister once if this was normal, and she said yeah, but now I don't think that is normal. Usually I don't remember my dreams when I do this, but I did it this morning, and I remember I dreamt I was in a old womens backyard and she had wish wells in the backyard and I kept tossing quarters in making a wish. I don't remember what I wished for but if I got sidetracked and I thought I would have to leave before I could make a wish on every well, I would get sad like a child who had to leave an amusement park before riding all the rides. It's a crazy dream I know, and I don't know why that would make me cry.
I know that this place isnt a therapy site, but I felt I had to confess all this. And I'm not sure what I wanted from saying all this, but just that I had to say it to all of you who have been so understanding. Heres the thing, I dont want to be that person who is super sensitive and is always sad and complains. And even though I cant figure out what is wrong, I KNOW that something is wrong. On here I try to be really nice and friendly and I try hard to make friends on here, and I'm sorry that sometimes I can be a witch but thats because I feel some people cant be killed with kindness, or they will disrespect me because they think I wont stand up for myself. Im sorry to the people I may have offended or annoyed on here. I feel like Im at a point where I dont even care who likes me or who doesnt, but I think that now is not the time for me to be on the wrong side of people. Which is good, because I only know one person on here who doesnt like me and I wont name them, and to you I am also sorry, even if you wont accept my apology.
So yeah, thanks for listening or reading or whatever.
"Are you going to write?"
"I have nothing to write."
Warning: Lots of writing and me complaining.
I was very hesitant about making this post because there's no real problem to say when I tell you all that I feel terrible. Like the title says, I don't know exactly what to say. I can start by saying I feel really sad, and I want to say depressed but since I've never been diagnosed depressed I wouldn't know what depression feels like. For those of you who PM me or know me a bit better you would know I've been down on and off for some years. I was once suicidal, once, and I will probably never go back to that again. I don't want to ever. I KNOW I wont go back to that again because that scares me, and Im a coward. It might be because it's December and the year is ending that I feel so tragic because another year is passing me up. And I'm having trouble writing this because I keep stopping and staring at my keyboard, and I don't know if it's because I'm thinking about what I should say and what I shouldn't say, or how to say it, or if it's because I feel so bad I'm not concentrating on this post.
Maybe I feel bad because I don't have many friends. I have 4 good friends I call my best friends, and only two I still keep in touch with daily, and I can feel us start to fall out.
I was making another, but our relationship ended because we had a disagreement. Im going to be blunt and say that I suck at being social. And it's not that I can't make friends because I joke around enough that people would want to hang with me, but its that people make me sad and uncomfortable. When I'm in groups of people I feel lonely, and I make jokes and laugh at other peoples when really I'm not having fun at all.
It could be that I'm going to get kicked out of school soon, don't ask, its something that could have been avoided but I was stupid and messed up, because I'm really good at messing up.
And its not my sister, because my sister and I barely talk anymore.
There is one thing Ive talked about with only one person in my life and that is Fulminata, and it could be that.
But in the end it is probably not these things because I've been sad for years. And I feel sorry for my parents because they worry about me but I have nothing to tell them when they ask whats wrong. Because I dont know whats wrong. The thing is my parents don't know I feel so bad, and I haven't told them I've felt so bad all this time because if I do they will ask why, and I don't know what to tell them. But my parents aren't stupid and its hard to hide tragicness so every now and then they catch me and ask what's up with me, and I can lie and say that its school work or I'm tired or something. And also I don't tell them because I'm terrified of telling them. When I try to talk to my parents about things, they have a way of making me feel like I'm a little child.They belittle me without trying to. They have such strong opinions of things I feel like I have no way of convincing them to see my side. I feel like the conversation is over before it has began, so I end up nodding to drop the subject and cry, because in case you haven't noticed I'm sensitive. I hate being sensitive but I am, and I cry when I don't want to. I'm also afraid of telling them because I'm worried one, they won't take it seriously and tell me I'm overreacting or just being dramatic, or two they WILL take it seriously, ask me why I am this way, and I won't have anything to answer the question. I feel sorry for my parents because I wish they could have had a perfect daughter who would be social and do well in school and just wasn't so firetrucking gloomy all the time, and other times I just want to block them out because they don't help me with this at all.
I know I'm blessed. I'm grateful I have so many good things in my life like a family, and a house, and a bed, and people who care about me. I am so aware how great my life is, and yet this makes me feel even worse because if I'm so blessed, why can't I just be happy?
I know things can be worse, but telling myself it can be worse, is like putting me up to scale a building. You can tell me if I fall things will be worse, but then I'm just left standing scared clinging to a wall and I have nowhere to go. I wish someone would move the wall or give me a hammer to break the wall, but no, I'm just frightened trying to move a wall that won't budge, all the while I am reminded that if I fall things will be worse.
I don't even feel anything though. I feel like a sad nothing. I feel like today I just gave up, but I don't know what I gave up.I feel like I'm done with everything. I feel a sad empty.
I used to wake up crying. I would wake up in the middle of crying in the morning, or I would wake up and I would just start crying because I would feel sad. I've done this about three times. I asked my sister once if this was normal, and she said yeah, but now I don't think that is normal. Usually I don't remember my dreams when I do this, but I did it this morning, and I remember I dreamt I was in a old womens backyard and she had wish wells in the backyard and I kept tossing quarters in making a wish. I don't remember what I wished for but if I got sidetracked and I thought I would have to leave before I could make a wish on every well, I would get sad like a child who had to leave an amusement park before riding all the rides. It's a crazy dream I know, and I don't know why that would make me cry.
I know that this place isnt a therapy site, but I felt I had to confess all this. And I'm not sure what I wanted from saying all this, but just that I had to say it to all of you who have been so understanding. Heres the thing, I dont want to be that person who is super sensitive and is always sad and complains. And even though I cant figure out what is wrong, I KNOW that something is wrong. On here I try to be really nice and friendly and I try hard to make friends on here, and I'm sorry that sometimes I can be a witch but thats because I feel some people cant be killed with kindness, or they will disrespect me because they think I wont stand up for myself. Im sorry to the people I may have offended or annoyed on here. I feel like Im at a point where I dont even care who likes me or who doesnt, but I think that now is not the time for me to be on the wrong side of people. Which is good, because I only know one person on here who doesnt like me and I wont name them, and to you I am also sorry, even if you wont accept my apology.
So yeah, thanks for listening or reading or whatever.