This is something I have been working on I hope you like it.

 

Chapter One

 

There was a girl who was unknown. Her name was Samirai. Samirai was alone no family nothing at all. She would keep going from village to village. When she was well rested and had enough to keep her going she would leave during the night and when the people who tooken her in looked for her she was gone. No one knew her cause she wouldn't stay too long or they didn't knew her name. Samirai had red eyes, long beautful black hair, milky white skin and scar on her arm. One day after she left the people who had tooken care of her; she fell asleep on an old oak tree. A boy was walking by and noticed Samirai. He tip toed close to her. Samirai open her eyes before the boy even touched her. He said Hello my name is Nakoua and why were you sleeping on that tree and where is your parents. Samirai just stared at him and said you ask a lot of questions and I don't have parents and my name is Samirai. Samirai had got up and walk off. Nakoua had follwed her. Samirai had stopped and look at him. Nakoua had looked Samirai's scar. Nakoua said you should come to my village its not far maybe you can havr somewhere to sleep and eat. Samirai said ok I will let's go now. So they came to the village of Haukiona. Samirai had walk and then looked at the sun and past out. Nakoua said Samirai? Samirai? And had seen if she is breathing. Nakoua said to him self she's breathing but just fainted, maybe Grandmother can help her. So he picks her her up and carries her to his Grandmother.

That the end of chapter one I hoped you liked it.

That's sad...D=.MAke more please.I want to know what happens.

Chapter Two

Grandmother! Grandmother! Please help me someone! Said Nakoua

Grandmother said what's going on?

Nakoua showed her Samirai and had put her down on a quilt.

Grandmother said don't worry I can fix up her just go finish the rest of your chores.

Nakoua had left to go feed the chickens and gather the eggs.

Later on that day..................

Nakoua said how is she is going to live grandmother.

She is fine she will rest for awhile she will be up and running tommorw and come and help me set dinner for the rest of the family before they get home. said grandmother

Nakoua had left to help grandmother with dinner.

Couple of hours later.................

Samirai wakes up and looks around.

Samirai says where am I and how I get here.

She leaves and goes outside near the little stream. She sees Nakoua there sitting and skipping rocks. She goes sit by him. He jumps and says oh its you how are you feeling ? My head hurts but I'm ok she said and smiles at him. Nakoua stands up and jumps in the stream. C'mon on in the water is fine. said Nakoua. Samirai dives in. They swim for awhile and splashes at each other.

They go back and grandmother says why your all wet let's go get some dry clothes.

I like it!But i lol.'why are you all wet'

This is a good story :'D I like it alot! Please write more!!!!

Chapter Three

 

Grandmother says Here Samirai you can use my old kimono from when I was about your age.

Samirai changes her clothes and says thanks, but I have to leave now I got to find a good place to stay to night.

Nakoua says you can stay here with us we have enough room. Samirai says umm ok I guess. Nakoua and Samirai go to the guest room. Grandmother says this girl might be something good for Nakoua and get his mind off of his parents. Nakoua says here this the guest room. Samirai says its really nice and thank you. Nakoua says sure get some rest for tommorw. Samirai gets in to the quilt and closes her eyes.

Next Morning..............

 

Nakoua wakes up and goes to see Samirai. Nakoua says Rise and shine Samirai! He doesn't see her in the guest room. Nakoua looks in the whole hous but doesn't see her and says maybe she's outside but I'll go ask grandmother where is she. Nakoua says Grandmother do you know where Samirai is at. Grandmother says she is outside. Nakoua goes outside and finds Samirai in the cherry blossom arachinds. Samirai says good morning Nakoua. Nakoua says what are you doing here its so quiet? Samirai says it makes me feel better in here. Nakoua says Hey come with me into the village to meet some of my friends. Samirai says ok! Nakoua and Samirai run to meet Nakoua's friends. Nakoua showes his friends Samirai. Kentikyo says Hello are you from around here cause I haven't seen you before. Marizoa says hi nice to meet you. Samirai says hi and yes I'm not from here. Kentikyo says can we talk to Nakoua for moment. Samirai says ok. Kentikyo says we should pull a prank on her it will be harmless. Nakoua says ok? Marizao says Samirai here put this blindfold on. Samirai puts it on. Kentikyo says she is going to fall in that pit we dung up yesterday and Samirai can you walk forward keep going keep going. Samirai screams cause fell in the pit. Marizoa says Oh my gosh eye is bleeding and she has scars let's go Kentikyo and Nakoua. They ran. Samirai screams and she is tied up and blindfolded.

The end of Chapter Three

I like this story! Keep writing more ok!! I can't wait till chapter 4!!!

Permission to critique?

._.

Yes you can

The format is killing my eyes. Whenever it talks about someone saying something, it messes with my head as it lacks quotation marks. Please, Please use them.

 

It just seems flat. You have so much going on without barely any description. They sound emotionaless. Might as well make Saix read this.

 

He said Hello my name is Nakoua and why were you sleeping on that tree and where is your parents.

How did this guy get so suspicious? I wouldn't be all Tell them my name and ask them where their parents are. I mean that just sounds all stalkerish. It seems like a run on sentence. It just drags on like that with no punctuation.

 

I cant really tell what you're characters are doing. Maybe I'm not reading hard enough, but these places seem really flat.

 

Kentikyo says she is going to fall in that pit we dung up yesterday and Samirai can you walk forward keep going keep going. Samirai screams cause fell in the pit.

Not really trying for a cliff hanger. I mean, what kind of transition is that. Its just boring. Maybe if you put some more meat into that story, I wouldn't have to critique it. Its like you're not even trying. ._.

 

Marizoa says Oh my gosh eye is bleeding and she has scars let's go Kentikyo and Nakoua. They ran. Samirai screams and she is tied up and blindfolded.

 

I honestly have no idea what happened here. I might as well imagine them all on some acid trip.

 

Blah blah blah, I hope you get the point. Ninja info cards, blah.

Agreeing with most everything Venny said...

Venny <3

 

I'm sorry but I have to agree D:

This story is well... not that good D:

And I look at it and I see a wall of text and that makes it boring and LOOK uninteresting.

It looks like you're typing a single paragraph and calling it a chapter D:

No punctuation, lack of quotation marks when they speak, it's just very... D:

Next Morning..............

 

I don't like this. It's very... Idk. I don't like it. Especially the excessive dots.

If it was me I would've written it.

'The next day, early in the morning, ect, ect.'

SOMETHING DESCRIPTIVE D:

 

Venny pretty much said anything else I would critique

Thank you for your comments I am going to have a better one for you in the morning better that. It can be better I know it can.