Koko

thanks and i try ive come this far so lets see where i go

tbh its not even the shit that happened that bothers me, its all the anxiety and depression that resulted from it

i really love attack on titan so much it brings me so much pain and joy and porn.

i posted and felt really gross afterward haha

aaah no 4everbee omg youre such a sweetie i love you and thank you *A* its just a lot of stuff i havent talked about in public for a while so it was overwhelming so i really appreciate your words and im glad that despite our past we have become friends ok uwu

okay but what about christina aguilera

god damn u

that really doesnt help with anything at all but thanks i guess

@4everbee my most recent post @javelin im not in the mood for jokes

im slightly shaking i feel disgusting

trigger warning for sexual abuse/abuse in gen as well as eating disorders and self hate. mmm okay lets start off with when i was 6 years old and was in a very bad car accident that basically makes me anxious and scared to be in cars/drive so theres that, very insignificant but still there. makes it very nerve racking to drive tbh but its a lot better. the car had basically flipped completely over with my mom and my sister and i. i was okay but what really messed me up the most is that prior to that, my parents had been in a big argument and my mom was taking us with her to live with her mother and we got in the accident while on the way. i think this attributes to my anxiety about my parents fighting verbally. as well, i forget what age, but haha my cousins and i would um do sexual things?? not just one cousin but several and it was pretty much dubious consent on my part haha. thats all i have to say on this. along with this i was a pretty chunky ugly child as well as an emotional one who didnt take well to teasing but i am unsure if i just was very sensitive or if it was because my family would sort of gang up on me to tease and make fun of me. my cousins would call me names and make fun of my appearance and ignore me and just act like they wanted nothing to do with me (unless it was something to do with the above statement) so i was very lonely among my family. and at school, kids were just as cruel and i dont believe there was a day that didnt come home crying because of nasty kids at school. i was treated like trash. i was called a dog and ugly and told me i didnt matter and that my feelings didnt matter and that no one loved me and that was so drilled into me that i still believe it sometimes. i was very suicidal in my late elementary years and first two years of middle school. i developed self harm habits in 7th grade and my left arm was covered in cuts. when my parents found out, my mom had this massive fit and became very violent, locking herself in the bathroom and breaking things in there and my dad placed the blame on me. instead of resolving to figure out why i was hurting myself, they got mad at me for doing it and threatened me if i continued. i still self harm now and my mom saw them again and brushed it off and made another threat if i didnt stop. i burn myself too as a form of self harm. at this point in time, my family really doesnt give a shit about my self harm. being a chunky child and my mom and sister being fairly thin, i always got and still get comments about my eating habits and my weight. because of this, about a year ago (give or take), i developed several disordered eating habits and went through lots of starvation diets and lost 30 pounds through these habits. i became very obsessed with calories and to this day i cant go without calculating what ive eaten and what i have to do to get the calorie count to as low as possible without putting my body into starvation mode. i still struggle with body image and get very self conscious and emotional when regarding my weight. my mother still makes comments about my body and criticizes me for eating too much. my parents both have tempers and are very easy to set off. i've been yelled at so many times to the point of tears over things as simple as having a pair of shoes lying around that i am very sensitive to being yelled at and usually end up in tears when yelled at. my dad is very aggressive and threatens to hit me a lot and he has chased me down the hallway to smack me and has as well thrown a plate at me in the past. nothing recent has happened but those incidents make me uncomfortable around my dad and very nervous when he is upset at anyone because he takes it out on everyone. my mother is violent when angry and has a victim complex and blames me for every single thing that upsets her and when i dispute it, it results in her breaking something and crying and screaming. she has broken a kitchen cabinet, a mirror, and punched a whole in the wall among many other things. im pretty much scared shitless of my mom and can't relate to either of my parents. i'm constantly misgendered so i have panic attacks sometimes when im feeling extremely dysphoric and basically makes me want to crawl out of my skin and die in a hole and makes me want to throw up. im stuck having to present as stereotypical female and while i dont mind a lot because i consider myself feminine, it makes me sick because i know people will read me as female and i want to scream that im not. i still have constant suicidal thoughts and against the suggestion of both a counselor and a psychiatrist, my parents had denied me anti-depression medications. i have a lot of regret about not killing myself a few years back and have gotten very close to going through. with it. i get lots of self hating thoughts because of a lot of this, lots of feelings of worthlessness and constantly feel like i dont deserve to live at all. i'm still a very lonely person because i hardly have friends that keep in touch with in real life and my family is very separated and i can go a few days without speaking to my mother, father, or sister. i have constant thoughts of giving up and constant fear that i'll go through with it and constant fear that people wont care or will even think i deserve it

queer rappers need more recognition

WTF THATS WEIRD its the same w my girlfriend and i. she has a small torso and wide hips and i have broad shoulder and a big ribcage but slim hips.

i'll trade you, i have virtually no hips. but i have a huge ribcage lmao my ribs p much stuck out no matter what

im crying i just want an armin url is that so hard

STOP

one of my fav things about snk is all the smutfics

i wanna work at starbucks bc they dont discriminate against gender expression

im so tired im ready to drop dead. 6 hour shift and then i had to take my cousin to the park for a half hour ughhshhsd

IM MAD BC THE NEE AOT EPISODE WAS A RECAP EPISODE KILL ME

ITS A RECAP EPISODE IM SO MAD

if i can get a zipper added to this binder i might even casually wear it out.

talking about a chest binder, not school binder

i got my new binder yesterday yattaaa. pretty good quality for 9 bucks and also not too bulky like my old one.

its impossible for me to make a normal face but hey 7+ hours of work and my makeup was still perfect