Kingdom Hearts III Skit - Keyblade Graveyard Terrors

[TrinityXaos# 25]

(KHIII Spoilers) The Keyblade Graveyard: such an unnerving world. This is a land of dead Keyblades, crazy black robed cults, and a very raged-induced suit of armor. Join our Guardians of Light as they encounter shocking to unimaginable moments they’d rather not come across again. (Parody)(Has some language)

 

By: TrinityXaos#

SORA:

Alright, we are going to do Terra-Xehanort, Take II! So guys and gals, let’s try not to **** up for the audience this time!

Keyblade Graveyard – KHIII Badlands

[After Terra-Xehanort summons No Name]

Terra-Xehanort swings, with dust engulfing him, Ventus and Aqua. As the dust starts to thin out, Terra-Xehanort was shocked: he didn’t hit one of those stupid Guardians. He was being blocked by something.

TERRA-XEHANORT:

What?! Impossible! Who dares interfere—?

As the dust completely settles, Terra-Xehanort realized what was blocking his blow. A familiar Keyblade: one Ends of the Earth. Said Keyblade was being wielded by his first, his oldest, and his greatest nemesis: the savage armor known as the Lingering Will of Terra. Complete with polish.

TERRA-XEHANORT:

Oh CRAP!!!

LINGERING WILL:

Got you, Xehanort.

Just then, Sora, Donald, and Goofy screamed in absolute terror so everyone but the Wayfinder trio and Terra-Xehanort turned to look at them.

DONALD:

NOOOO!!! NOT HIM AGAIN!!!

GOOFY:

PLEASE! OH, PLEASE TELL ME WE AREN’T FIGHTING HIM AGAIN!

Sora just whines in despair.

KAIRI:

You know this guy?

SORA:

Too…many…beatings…

AQUA:

Terra?

LINGERING WILL:

Yes. And how long I have waited for this moment.

TERRA-XEHANORT:

How?! How are you here at the worst time again?!

LINGERING WILL:

Simple, I’ve been here since that last battle. That and a blonde girl told me I was needed here in a scene exclusive to an Orchestra.

TERRA-XEHANORT:

Had I known you’d say that I would have done that stupid rerun from our first fight instead.

LINGERING WILL:

Oh, like all of the **** you’ve done in Dream Drop Distance and this game can pass without taking criticism?

TERRA-XEHANORT:

Why you--!

Terra-Xehanort jumps back and resumes proper fighting stance.

TERRA-XEHANORT:

You don’t look down on me and get away with it! Not while I’m around you trash can!

LINGERING WILL:

Trash can…?!

VEN:

Uh…Terra?

AQUA:

Ven, we should get back.

LINGERING WILL:

No one – [Voice become more metallic and raged induced] NO ONE MOCKS MY METAL! NOT WITHOUT GETTING A ****ING BEATING!!! AND YOU GETTING THAT LONG DESERVED BEATING A THOUSAND FOLD NOW! SO COME AT ME, ****ER!!!

RIKU and KAIRI:

Whoa…

LEA:

It’s like he played one too many FromSoftware games…

SORA:

More like HE could have inspired the SoulsBorne games.

LINGERING WILL:

NOW LOSE YOUR SOUL, XEHANORT!!!

KAIRI:

Yeah, he definitely helped Miyazaki come up with his games’ rage inducing boss fights.

SORA:

(Sobbing) While using me – as his punching bag – for far too many fights.

[CAPTION: Inspiration story is false, but the Sora-beatings are true.]

Cue the fight between Terra-Xehanort and the Lingering Will from the game. And when the Lingering Will fired his Keyblade cannon…

GOOFY:
YAHOO!!!

SORA:

YES! YEESSS! NOW YOU KNOW HOW IT FEELS!

DONALD:

Wak-ha-ha-ha!

TERRA-XEHANORT:

GAHK!! MONSTER WAVE! HELP ME!

Terra-Xehanort did what most Organization XIII members would do with the Guardians of Light: run away, only crying with his metaphoric tail between his legs and a SoulsBorne-enemy-minded Lingering Will after him.

LINGERING WILL:

GET BACK HERE, YA WUSSY NOOB!

As they left in their SoulsBorne ways, the “Monster wave” Terra-Xehanort called for arrived. Not just in the standard form of Heartless and Nobodies, but with a swarm of Devil Waves (what America calls Demon Tides) as the main event.

AQUA:

AAAHHH!!!

Aqua was ready to sob in mental agony: the final boss of her story in the Dark World is back and has decided to evolve into Devil Tornado.

The swarms of Waves split up for the next boss battle.

SORA:

O-okay! As long as all nine of us fight together and use team attacks for this boss, we should win.

LEA:

No! We’re splitting up for more ground.

SORA:
What!

MICKEY:

Yeah. That’s it…more ground to cover!

RIKU:

Later, Sora!

Mickey and Riku left the party.

KAIRI:

Good luck guys!

Kairi and Lea fled the scene. As for Aqua, she is still upset, but was ready to annihilate some Heartless for therapy!

VEN:

Have fun fighting Sea Goddess Leviathan’s daemon ex!

He and Aqua then deserted Sora, Donald, and Goofy. Sora was so not pleased.

GOOFY:

We’re in trouble, aren’t we?

DONALD:

So doomed…

SORA:

I can’t believe this. THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME FOR SAVING YOUR ****ING BUMS?! AND WITHOUT PAY FOR MY SERVICES?!

The boss fight has begun.

SORA:

Fine! Don’t be part of the fight! Be off-screen characters! THAT’S ALL YOU GUARDIANS ARE GOOD FOR ANYWAY! LET’S GO GET ‘EM, DONALD, GOOFY!

After the boss fight: the Devil Wave swarms returned to the heartless tornado and pretty much engulfed all of the enemies in the area, making the Devil Tornado dustier, browner, and far worse than it was before.

RIKU:

Are you kidding me?

AQUA:

It’s no use…

SORA:

You know, if we had fought together for the on-screen boss fight, we wouldn’t have this problem. But no, you went off to cover “more ground.” So much for that plan, huh guys?

LEA:
Yeah, yeah! Now save us, Sora!

VEN:

Pretty please!

SORA:

Why should I?! This is what happens when you dash fan expectations.

VEN:

Because you going to get killed with us if you don’t?

SORA:

Seven Keyblade Wielders! And the lot of you are acting like it’s hopeless!

MICKEY:

Heartless tornado is coming closer.

SORA:

You guys are Keyblade Wielders of high skill. Well, I’m not sure about Kairi and Axel yet.

KAIRI and LEA:

Hey!

SORA:

But for PITY’S SAKE! Actually use your powers to fix this mess and do something on your own for once!

KAIRI:

You will get an epic moment. You do know that, right Sora?

SORA:

Kairi, out of all the people here, YOU deserve the chance to be a hero!

AQUA:

Sora, if you fight this nightmare for us, then Mickey, Ansem, and I will pay you your demanded price tenfold.

MICKEY:

What?!

SORA:

Is that a true promise?

AQUA:

You can take it to the bank, punk.

Cue the next part

SORA:

I’ll handle this.

Sora charges on. This time, yelling like a warrior.

SORA:
FOR THE MUNNY!!!

Swatting away the heartless core pellets coming at him, Sora leaped and was about to swing at the Devil Tornado when it all went white.

SORA:

Huh? Hey! What gives?!

Before him was the back of Ephemer, the Keyblade wielder who is the face of Union Cross. Ephemer turned his face around to look at Sora.

EPHEMER:

Need some help?

Somewhere, on a planet called Earth

 Many Union Cross players who got to this scene were stunned and holding their breath as they saw Sora return to the reality that is the Keyblade Graveyard.

Back at Keyblade Graveyard

SORA:

I didn’t get to answer him.

Then the Keyblades that filled the Graveyard flew in the sky, roused from their slumber. These Keyblades joined together, and with a beautiful chorus, began one of the most touching moments in the game. The Union Cross players’ Keyblades has come to save the day.

UNION CROSS PLAYERS ON EARTH: (Off-Screen)

WHOOOAAA!!! YESSS!!! OH MY GOD!!! HOLY ****!!! THIS IS SO AMAZING!!!

Sora realized what Ephemer’s help was and jumped on board the Keyblade Swarm of Hope to begin the Union Cross boss moment. Meanwhile, Ventus went from awe to a “little” scared. Why?

VEN:

Aaaah! I knew it! Vanitas got more than Sora’s looks without the colors! He’s got Key surfing from Sora too!!! Why? WHY!!!

Back to the real epic moment, as Sora collides with the Devil Tornado.

SORA:

Okay! Let’s do this!

As the boss battle commenced, the situation commands that appeared were all of Union Cross players.

Meanwhile, all around Earth

Many of Union Cross players were really happy and/or geeking out as they use the commands to fight against the Heartless threat, even if their characters’ names weren’t a part of that list. All while hearing the χ[chi] and Unchained χ[chi] remix of Dearly Beloved and hopefully not having to worry about their controller’s battery dying. Like a certain author went through for his first time.

Back and staying at the Keyblade Graveyard

SORA:

Wa-ha-ha! THIS IS EPIC!!! (Sings along with the song)

After the battle with the Tornado, the badlands were clean of dark enemies. For now at least.

SORA:

Whoo!

AQUA:

Thank you, Sora!

SORA:

You’re welcome. That was fun. And I will gladly thank you when you pay me as you promised.

MICKEY:

I didn’t promise you anything.

SORA:

You are bound by Aqua’s promise. So tough luck and thanks for all the munny folks.

RIKU:

Give them a break, Sora.

SORA:

You should then try and be useful next time.

RIKU:

***** you!

SORA:

Just a suggestion.

DARK RIKU: [Off-Screen]

Such an idea won’t be happening with this story.

Everyone turned around to see Dark Riku (a.k.a. Riku Replica II) emerge in his D-Mode bodysuit.

LEA:

Holy--!

All eyes went to Lea.

LEA:

Riku Replica! I thought you died in Castle Oblivion!

There was a pause for Riku’s mental conversation.

RIKU:

Wait, I thought that was supposed to be the old me who time traveled?

RIKU REPLICA: [O.S.]

I’m not sure about that. Also, Axel must never know that I’m hanging out with you.

RIKU:

So he won’t get confused?

RIKU REPLICA:

So when I show myself to him, Axel will really freak out!

RIKU:

A little overkill, doncha think?

Back in real time

MICKEY:

No! That is a Riku from the past.

KAIRI:

Proof that youth can be dumb.

LEA:

Oh…okay.

DARK RIKU:

And don’t bring up Hollow Bastion! I’m still the top guy in the story!

RIKU:

Oh sure. We – well, I – learned my lesson from Hollow Bastion, courtesy of Sora kicking our asses twice.

SORA:

You’re welcome!

RIKU:

Now I fight with the darkness for the light!

DARK RIKU:

Oh, really. Can your darkness do this?

Dark Riku brings forth a dark presence rising and growing before the Guardians.

RIKU:

NO! That’s not Hollow Bastion. It’s Castle Oblivion! OH GOD, PLEASE! NO!

Heartless start falling out

RIKU:

NOOOOOOOO!!!

Kairi looks at Mickey

KAIRI:

Is it me, or are we the only two sane people of this scene?

MICKEY:

Ya got me.

Skip to the second armada of dark enemies

SORA:

Not again!

AQUA:

Form up, everyone!

The scene goes black with these captions: [Off-screen full team battle in progress]

RIKU: [O.S.]
Oh, so now we should stick together.

DONALD: [O.S.]

Why are you complaining? You also ditch us!

KAIRI: [O.S.]

He’s doing because Aqua bought our main snark-tagonist, Donald!

LEA: [O.S]

F.Y.I.: Not me!

The scene returns to normal.

AQUA:

I’m going to clear a path. Get ready!

VEN:

Not on your own. I’ll help!

LEA:

Didn’t we try splitting up?

KAIRI:

Look where that brought us now!

GOOFY:

It’s hopeless! There too many of them!

SORA:

Never would have thought this is how it ends the second time. Being swarmed by heartless, nobodies and unversed…with animation issues.

The largest swarm yet (not as big as the Tornado) launches into the air. Donald freaks out and ducks down. Excuse the pun.

DONALD:

We’re done for!

RIKU:
Well, at least we’ll all go to Valha—

A green light descends in front of the Guardians. Emerging out of it was Yen Sid.

RIKU:
Nevermind.

DONALD, and GOOFY:

MASTER—

SORA, DONALD, and GOOFY:

YEN SID!

SORA:

He’s out of his tower!

Yen Sid then saves the group and cast a spell. This spell erupts through the area in a golden light and paves a path to the heart of the Keyblade Graveyard.

SORA:

AND HE’S DOING SOMETHING FOR ONCE!!!

MICKEY:
WAAAHH!!! He’s using heavy magic! He hasn’t done that since Fantasia!

KAIRI:

Great, I’m the only sane one now, dammit!

YEN SID:

Go, my young champions!

SORA:

Oke-dokey!

KAIRI:

You’re kidding, right?

Donald and Goofy leave the party.

GOOFY:

We’ll stay and backup Master Yen Sid.

SORA:

Guys, no! How will I get outta here without the gummi ship?!

VEN:

He wasn’t ****ing us.

Donald faces Sora.

DONALD:

You know, beneath all that snark and dismay, you’ve proven that you make a whole pint without us Sora!

Sora broke off from his usual parody self.

SORA:

What…?

He starts to get teary eyed.

SORA:

You really mean it?

DONALD and GOOFY:

Yep!

SORA:

Donald…Goofy. You are the best friends a guy can have.

VEN:

I thought you, Riku, Kairi, and I had something special, you two-timing b*****!

MICKEY:

Same here with Donald and Goofy! Traitors!

YEN SID:

JUST GO ALREADY!

SORA:

Alright! Let’s move out guys!

Sora leads the group of himself, Riku, Kairi, Mickey, Lea, Aqua and Ventus off to the heart of the Keyblade Graveyard.

SORA:
For the munny! And for our BUDDIES!!!

Despite some bitter feelings from four members of the group, they agreed on the second rallying goal. You can guess who the four bitter members are.

END

Author’s note:

After re-watching two of the cutscene this parody involves, I’m pretty sure much of this was longer than the original source.

About Sora: part of my idea on a parody version of him for Kingdom Hearts III and beyond would have him trying to get munny for having to put up with Yen Sid’s leadership, more Disney worlds, and Xehanort’s convoluted schemes again. Except his attempts often get ignored or flat-out vetoed, but he’ll still keep trying. While he does want to be a mercenary, he still will save people without pay for many reasons. For the “whole pint” bit, it was based on the idea that Sora may view the non-playable members of his party as minions more than friends, so he was genuine when he called Donald and Goofy his best friends.

Thanks for reading this parody one-shot fanfic!

Edited March 29, 2019 by TrinityXaos#
Minor edits.