I try not to form many close bonds with people, so I'm the last person I'd expect to make a post like this, but I'm desperate.

 

It's about my friend named (fake name) Alex. I'm a guy, she's a girl. She's a year younger than me.

 

I've known of her for years, but we only really met last year on a field trip. On an overnight trip to an amusement park, we were randomly assigned to the same group for the three days. We had a blast and realized that we had a lot in common. It was mostly dorky stuff, like Pokemon, Hunger Games, love for band, annoyance at over-hyped sports, and both of more than average intelligence. Over the year, we've become good friends and have supported each other through a lot of pressures (she helped me when I was stressed and applying for colleges, and I cooled her off after her difficult classes). I'm usually a loner, but when we had the same lunch period this year, I sat at her table and over the year we would leave school about once a week (our school allows seniors and juniors to leave grounds during lunch) and go out to lunch. We would go out to eat more often, but as said earlier, my college application process was unusually intensive (Ivy League, Scholarships) that I would cancel our lunch plans for a trip to the library to finish work.

 

Here's where the problem started. The other day, after an AP test, I was asked by a group of guys that I barely see in my grade to go to lunch with them. I don't have classes with them, so I said yes and away we went. What I forgot was that Alex and I had planned our first lunch in a few weeks for that day, and I didn't remember until it was too late. I had gone to lunch, and couldn't get a ride back to school in time. This was Thursday. The next day, due to an ongoing medical condition I have, I needed to go to the doctor, and could go see Alex. The weekend goes by and I go to apologize to her in band (around 10) today.

 

I got there late (the other class was on the opposite side of campus) and jumped into my seat and rehearsal went as normal as one could be. Then after the period, I went up to Alex and told her that I was "really sorry about what happened on-"

And she started crying.

Alex was extremely upset about the incident and complained about how I didn't contact her. This was true, but I had lost my phone (which is true, I haven't seen it since last Wednesday and I'm always losing it) and she doesn't have a Facebook. She yelled back at me asking why I always lost my phone, which other than the fact that I'm a klutz and forgetful I couldn't answer, and even saying that she was in the phonebook (I don't know her parent's names, so I wasn't going to call every "Smith" in the phonebook). She said that I could have Facebook'd her friend a message, but I just got Facebook (last week), and am not used to using it, so I hadn't thought about that. Alex told me that that last Monday when she was "really stressed out before her AP Chemistry exam" that all she wanted to do was see me, if only for five minutes, and that because I didn't have me phone, she couldn't. Then she said that we had to get to gym and ran off before I could finish packing my bag.

In gym, I went up to her again, but she said that we would talk later. I told her that I still needed to do a scholarship application during lunch and I couldn't see her then. I spent the whole period alone and avoiding eye contact with her and our other friend (who was originally her friend alone, so obviously sided with her).

 

I'll have to double post because this is getting long and I don't want to lose progress, but I'll state what I've been thinking here and post this while I finish my other one.

 

I've been reflecting and I think I've seen something. I think she may have an unrequited crush on me. Could I be right?

Well, i think so, i mean, you like her too yes?, anyways, that's not the main point here, the point is that you should start off as friends, in order for any kind of relationship to work, so, tell her that, only on days that you can help these kinds of situations, that you will promise to be there for her and that she should do the same, only on days that you can help these kinds of things though, since after all, your both only humans and you can't do EVERYTHING obviously, however, if she will not wait at least even a second for example, then there's no point in being friends with someone who's impatient enough to just break off friendships like that possibly.

Let's look at the hints:

• The "wanting five minutes with you" before the Chemistry exam.
• The fact that we go out alone for lunch on a weekly basis.
• My mom hinted to me that her perkiness when I first introduced her to my mother was signs of a crush.
• My other friends joked about me taking her to prom.
• The over the top reaction about me missing lunch one day.

I may have seen some of these slowly over the year, but pushed it off as her being her. I began choking on the phrase "Go out to lunch" a couple weeks ago when I realized what it sounded like, and changed it to "Getting lunch out."

 

So now I have two problems.

• Trying to make amends with her after I screwed up.
• Addressing her "crush" while still remaining friends.

I'll address #1 first.

I admit I screwed up. Big time. But the level that I screwed up at doesn't seem to match her reaction. If any of my friends had forgotten to go to lunch with me, I know I'd be annoyed or upset. But to be crying and saying that they "made me upset all weekend" seems over the top. I was going to offer to take her out for lunch the rest of the week, all out of my wallet, but she was too upset to approach. I felt like when she was crying physical contact would be recommended (like a hug or pat), but the mixed messages she was sending me didn't want me to cross the friend line accidentally. I know I screwed up, I want to make it better, and quite frankly, she probably is my best friend. We connect and have inside jokes and always text each other (when I have my phone). I don't know how to make it up to her.

My original idea is to write her a letter, apologizing, offering to take her for lunch for the rest of the week, and telling her how I feel. I'd give this letter to her best friend (one of my friends) to give to her in the morning. I have an AP test from 7am-12pm, so I won't be able to see her until lunch (12:30). But there comes another problem.

#2

Does she have a crush on me? Have our lunches out in her mind considered "dates?" Her upset reaction is one I would have sooner guessed to be from an upset girlfriend than a forgotten friend. If I was in her position, I'd be angry or annoyed, but I wouldn't be upset like she was. I consider her a close friend, but nothing more.

For starters, the text I received on Monday (about Chemistry and meeting before school for a few minutes), I thought it was for her other friend. I never see her in the morning because I'm always in the guidance office hounding my counselor so I can have my college stuff done (or doing last minute hw). I didn't know I meant so much to her...

About me: I have a life plan. I'm going to graduate high school, attend college, maybe date "the one" in my last year or two, establish myself in a job, and then focus on finding a meaningful relationship. I have no plans for dating in high school, regardless who it is. If I had to pick a girl to date, it would be her, but I'm not interested in anything more than just a friendship.

There's my biggest problem. If I do tell her that I'm sorry, and not address the possible crush, I may be leading her on too much. If I do address the crush and tell her that I'm just not ready for a relationship, I don't want to crush her and lose our friendship. And almost worse, if I do suggest she has a crush on me, and she doesn't, then she'll think I'm arrogant and there goes the friendship. Best case scenario is that she admits to the crush and forgives me, but I don't know.

 

I'm desperate. She's my closest friend. And in three weeks, we're going again on the field trip that we first met on. I'm supposed to be in a group with her and her father, but if things aren't smoothed over by then, I don't know what I'll do. I could always go with another group, leaving behind my other friends with Alex (they're closer with her), but I'd still feel terrible.

 

I want closure on this soon, so my big questions are:

 

1. What do you think of my "apology letter" idea?

1a. If not, what else would you recommend?

2. Does she have a crush on me?

3. Should I mention the possible crush?

 

Thank you for any advice you can give. It's all going down tomorrow, so I pray that I figure out what to do by then.

1. Letter sounds good. They're much appreciated.

2. Maybe/probably/more likely yes than no.

3. No. Wait for another time. A bit later. If she does, you don't want this all coming down on her at one time.

Well, i think so, i mean, you like her too yes?, anyways, that's not the main point here, the point is that you should start off as friends, in order for any kind of relationship to work, so, tell her that, only on days that you can help these kinds of situations, that you will promise to be there for her and that she should do the same, only on days that you can help these kinds of things though, since after all, your both only humans and you can't do EVERYTHING obviously, however, if she will not wait at least even a second for example, then there's no point in being friends with someone who's impatient enough to just break off friendships like that possibly.

 

I like her as a friend, but just that.

Good point about being human. It may sound obvious, and I may have used this myself in advising others, but I hadn't thought of that today. Your last sentence did give me hope; I don't think she wouldn't.

 

1. Letter sounds good. They're much appreciated.

2. Maybe/probably/more likely yes than no.

3. No. Wait for another time. A bit later. If she does, you don't want this all coming down on her at one time.

 

Yeah, I guess it all at once may be too much.

 

Another question:

I feel terrible when she's crying and want to console her, but don't want to overstep the "friend line." Should I pat her shoulder/hold her hand/give her a hug/sit there with my hands folded on my lap?

Well tbh i kinda think she does have a crush if shes that upset. She views you as really important and it probably felt like she wasnt important to you in her eyes based on her reaction..That or shes just a very emotional and/or stressed person. ( only you would know which one she is bc i dont know her ). Writing the letter is a good idea .It will open the door for a face to face conversation to happen more smoothly. I wouldnt address the crush right now bc it might make it worse . Instead maybe when you resume your lunches you can casually work into coversations what your 'life plan " is and subtly clue her in that you arent interested in dating anyone right now . That way its like sending her the message without rejecting her possible crush outright. She 'll know that you arent looking for ANY relationship without you having to reject her while at the same time you are being honest with her .

Well tbh i kinda think she does have a crush if shes that upset. She views you as really important and it probably felt like she wasnt important to you in her eyes based on her reaction..That or shes just a very emotional and/or stressed person. ( only you would know which one she is bc i dont know her ). Writing the letter is a good idea .It will open the door for a face to face conversation to happen more smoothly. I wouldnt address the crush right now bc it might make it worse . Instead maybe when you resume your lunches you can casually work into coversations what your 'life plan " is and subtly clue her in that you arent interested in dating anyone right now . That way its like sending her the message without rejecting her possible crush outright. She 'll know that you arent looking for ANY relationship without you having to reject her while at the same time you are being honest with her .

 

Good idea. I think I may wait on the "life plan part" so that I don't rush into things. I decided yesterday that I'm going to college a month earlier than expected. I guess in that conversation I can slip in the life plan segment.

And about your green: She's usually reserved and quite, but snaps at people (angrily, never upset before) when they get on her nerves. I've just never seen her so upset before.

Good idea. I think I may wait on the "life plan part" so that I don't rush into things. I decided yesterday that I'm going to college a month earlier than expected. I guess in that conversation I can slip in the life plan segment.

And about your green: She's usually reserved and quite, but snaps at people (angrily, never upset before) when they get on her nerves. I've just never seen her so upset before.

 

Of course you dont have to rush into your " life plan " conversation. Matter of fact i'd wait till everything is resolved and then casually work it in as you see fit .

Another question:

I feel terrible when she's crying and want to console her, but don't want to overstep the "friend line." Should I pat her shoulder/hold her hand/give her a hug/sit there with my hands folded on my lap?

 

Don't just sit there. It's kind of the worst feeling ever then. Don't hold her hand, because that might seem like a tip off of "I like you." Pat on the back, mm, maybe, I don't know. Honestly, I'd just want a hug from my best friend when I'm crying. I only have one guy best friend, and hugs are fine with us (although we've had like 10 conversations laughing about what a horrible couple we'd be, so it's not the same situation). I think a hug is better to show her you care, but just be careful in the way you hug her. Like you know how a boyfriend might comfort his girlfriend with a hug. It's more of a protective "I'm right here" hug that's more like holding. Hug her like how you might hug a sibling, if that's any help.

 

P.S. I'm a little confused by your life plan. You date "the one" in your last years of college, and then you go look for a meaningful relationship and get married someday or something. Just wondering, is "the one" somehow different from "future wife?"

Edited May 15, 201213 yr by Exlon

P.S. I'm a little confused by your life plan. You date "the one" in your last years of college, and then you go look for a meaningful relationship and get married someday or something. Just wondering, is "the one" somehow different from "future wife?"

 

lol, I mean "the one" as in I won't get into a relationship if I don't think it'll last. It'll hopefully be the "future wife," but you know how many curveballs life can throw. I mean that dating in college can be part of the plan, but it's not necessary. If I can't find the right girl then, I'm fine with waiting until I secure a job before I date.

 

Oh, and good advice about the physical contact. She's known to hug her female best friend, but I'll see. I see what you mean about the hand holding though; big no.

Edited May 15, 201213 yr by XIIISwords

Um...any luck today?

Thank you all for your help!

 

I talked to her at lunch and we were able to talk it out. No mention of a relationship, so that was good. I lucked out. She had cooled down by the time we talked and began the conversation with "I don't want to be mad at you." After countless "Sorry"s and a couple sarcastic jokes on my part (in real life I'm extremely sarcastic), we agreed to put this behind us. I sensed the point where we moved into the awkward "I don't know what to say except what I've already said 10 times already" territory, and so I cut the conversation down with a slight joke ("So, Alex, we have two options. Please be sure to throw out the one you don't like at all right away. We could dig spoons into our eyes and never see each other again, or we could put this behind us and both admit I was a jerk and I'll treat to lunch for the rest of the week?").

 

Tomorrow we're going out to lunch again. I'm making a detour trip when we're out to Toysrus (it's right next to our school) and I'm picking my brother up a PSP memory card, and I'm also getting Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Explores of Sky for Alex. It'll be a belated birthday present (my original present for her was a Pokemon team, but I failed at raising it) and a little push back on the right track (:.

 

Thanks everyone for your help. It's really nice to see one of these threads come to a happy ending. I'm honestly grateful.

Happy to hear everything turned out ok . Glad to have helped in any way