Text The lonely one (poem)

[Roy 137]

The lonely one

I have always had fame

though I never thought it diminish

Before I used to talk to everybody

Now I have no one but a few

I miss the fame dearly

 

The fame I speak of is the quantity of friends

but it all stopped when I was no more shy and caring

I became more open,which made me say wrong things

I lost people's trust,which took forever to build

The lesson I learned is hardee to accept than any punishment

 

It's ironic really but painful as well

When I was shy, I wished to be more open

but now that I'm open, I wish to be more shy

Though in the lonelyness I found out who were

my true friends,though we barely have time to talk

I still wish I was in the past

for I'm awfuly lonely

 

 

Feedback please and I did feel lonely but I made this poem really fast....thanks.

[Weiss 8,279]

dang. This is pretty great! Nice job!

[Junko 2,815]

i havent read any type of poetry in a while but nice job 

[Roy 137]

Thank you but this is a poem I do not feel I did my best in...all I did was put in some of my feelings in becaude I was bored.

[Indecypher 495]

Good job, I'm not sure what you mean by feedback but I guess good symbolism in comparing fame to friends. You are not alone.

 

 

I think it's really great you can express yourself in a creative, constructive way. And quickly as well. Something good came out of the boredom at least. Now, if you meant spelling and grammar help I'll edit it in your post for ease of reading. Correct me Shera

 

 

The lonely one
I have always had fame
though I never thought it would diminish
Before I used to talk to everybody
Now I have just a few
I miss the fame dearly

The fame I speak of is the quantity of friends
but it all stopped when I was no longer shy and caring
I became more open,which made me say the wrong things
I lost people's trust, which took forever to build
The lesson I learned is harder to accept than any punishment

It's ironic really, but painful as well
When I was shy, I wished to be more open
but now that I'm open, I wish to be more shy
Though in the loneliness I found out who were
my true friends,though we barely have time to talk
I still wish I was in the past
for I'm awfully lonely

[Roy 137]

Indecyber awesome editing! I need help with grammer and editing really...those two drop my pride...

[Indecypher 495]

Indecyber awesome editing! I need help with grammer and editing really...those two drop my pride...

Thank you, and anytime you need help feel free to let me know. And don't let those get you down, no one is born an English professor after all.

[Demyx. 10,064]

It's very interesting and I enjoyed it. Like indecypher said I like the symbolism in comparing friends to fame.

 

Main thing I would say is to ad more adjectives and adverbs.

 

Also, this is just a personal preference, I tend to like to read/right poetry that is less straight forward. But, when I first started righting it was a lot like yours. You just get better with time and you are off to a good start.

[Think Pink 1,967]

This is really good! Though I think considering the subject matter, it would flow better as a short story. For poetry, it's a little too word-y and doesn't "flow" like poetry should, if that makes any sense? Still good though~

[Roy 137]

@Think Pink I know what you mean but do you mind explaining in detail

[Think Pink 1,967]

@Think Pink I know what you mean but do you mind explaining in detail

Sure, no problem! I mean as in some of the sentences don't flow well sound choppy. An example is this: 

 

 

it's ironic really but painful as well

When I was shy, I wished to be more open 

but now that I'm open, I wish to be more shy

Though in the lonelyness I found out who were

my true friends, though we barely have time to talk

I still wish I was in the past

for I'm awfully lonely

The first line, for instance--most poetry isn't written in iambic pentameter, but you can still mark it as such. Just add a few extra or less stressed/unstressed marks. It should should like it had a beat. "it's i-ron-ic real-ly but pain-ful as well" Say that out loud, deliberately noting where the stressed and unstressed syllables are. It'd be easier to explain if I could talk, but what can you do? Anyway, the words ironic and really mess up the flow. Depending on the poem and the line, words with multiple syllables are sometimes not the best. The rest of the line is short, one syllable words--there's nothing wrong with that, but if that's the style you choose, you should try to keep it flowing that way. Think about the beat comparisons (sometimes it helps to clap as you say the words--most people naturally know where the syllables are) "Two roads diverged in a yellow wood." Flows nicely, right? Imagine if it were "I saw two roads going different directions". It doesn't sound quite a flowy or poetic, right? Poetry is about picking the perfect words and putting them in the perfect order. You also have to take into consideration the sound of a line--for instance, "I still wish I was in the past". If you say each word to the beating of your heart (how poetry is generally supposed to be read) it seems to drag on too much, yes? 

 

I hope that makes more sense for you xDD

Edited February 7, 2013 by Think Pink

[Roy 137]

Thanks I get you...how are you so good at poetry?

[Think Pink 1,967]

Thanks I get you...how are you so good at poetry?

I write a lot myself, I read a lot, and I'm in both the class and the club

[Roy 137]

maybe you can tutor me?

[Think Pink 1,967]

maybe you can tutor me?

Sure if you'd like. PM me about it instead, I don't want to clog up your poem thread

[Shera Wizard 2,736]

Good job, I'm not sure what you mean by feedback but I guess good symbolism in comparing fame to friends. You are not alone.

 

 

I think it's really great you can express yourself in a creative, constructive way. And quickly as well. Something good came out of the boredom at least. Now, if you meant spelling and grammar help I'll edit it in your post for ease of reading. Correct me Shera

 

firetruck you indecy you already did all my parts.

 

[on-topic]

 

It's a really nice poem

Since you wrote this really fast, and it came out good, why not try to think in depth about something and write one? Maybe it'll come out even more awesome Just a suggestion ^^

[Indecypher 495]

firetruck you indecy you already did all my parts.

 

[on-topic]

 

It's a really nice poem

Since you wrote this really fast, and it came out good, why not try to think in depth about something and write one? Maybe it'll come out even more awesome Just a suggestion ^^

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