So, this is something I have been working on. But it's just the prologue. I'm typing it out in a different format then I usually do. So, let me know if it is a weird format or not. The prologue isn't very exciting. But, just trust me, it gets better. So...Yeah. Let me know what you think.

 

Prologue

An old man sat on a pier gazing out at the sea in front of him. He watched as the waves dance and sparkled from the sunlight. Every Saturday, he sat on this pier and caught ten fish. Nothing ever happened. He lived a dull boring life.

The old man started to doze off when he heard something strange.
“WAAHHOOO!!!!!”
The old man stood up and watched as a tall figure landed next to him. He jumped back and stared at what was standing before him. He was a slender young man, dressed in a black leather jacket and blue jeans. The old man stuttered.
“How... how... did you...”
The young man looked up, after brushing the seaweed off his shoulder.
“Oh...Hey there, gramps! I’m Demy. What’s your name?” Demy exclaimed, with an excited smile on his face.
The old man, still confused, answered.
“I’m, uh...Sam.”
Demy shook Sam’s hand and started to walk away.
“Well, gramps, I better be going. I have a date with my bed that's be put off for a....” Demy suddenly collapsed.
Sam, still not knowing what was happening, ran to Demy.
“Hey! Hey! Are you okay?!” Sam yelled.
All Demy heard was the sounds of Sam’s mumbled yelling as he drifted to sleep.

Demy awoke on a colorful stained glass platform. As he stood up he heard a powerful booming voice in his head.
“You will be the one that defeats the darkness and returns the worlds to what they once were.”
Demy, looking disappointed, said. “Aww man. Now what?”

Edited February 5, 201312 yr by Xaon

I like the format. And definitely looking forward to more of this story!

Sounds like a nice story so far, to early to judge.

Definitely not Demyx at all, nope. 

Sounds like a nice story so far, to early to judge.

Definitely not Demyx at all, nope. 

I figured I'd just post this bit to see how it goes before I dedicate more time to it.

Moar Demyx!!!!

I figured I'd just post this bit to see how it goes before I dedicate more time to it.

 

 

Don't be lazy on your story like me

 

 

 

Moar Demyx!!!!

 

Demy*

“You will be the one that defeats the darkness and returns the worlds to what they once were.” 

lolololololololol...but good job

Nice

Hoo boy, you caught me at a critique-y mood.  I normally don't speak out against stuff in the writing section here, but you asked what we thought, and well, reread the first sentence.  Luckily it's short so there's not much work for me, but let's go from broad to specific.

 

First off, if you say the prologue is boring... rewrite it so it's not boring.  It's an amateurish tendency for people to say stuff like "Oh, I know it's boring but it'll get better, Ipromise!"  Don't get me wrong, the prologue and/or first chapter will often be slower than the rest of the story because you need to take time to establish things, but it's not an excuse for the beginning to not be engaging.  In fact, the beginning is a crucial point in your story because it will determine if people will continue reading it.  If you can't captivate your readers' attention from the very start, they won't bother continuing just because you promise it'll get better.  Why should they keep reading because of a promise?  Why can't you deliver something interesting from the get-go?  Your prologue is short, which is fine--but when it's short like this, it's even more important to say the most in the shortest time.  Unless this Sam dude is gonna be important later on, his entire scene can be taken out so you can get straight to Demyx's scene with the stained glass.  It's unusual that the prologue, the very first thing we're reading, spends more time on this inconsequential Sam dude than the main character or something equally important.  It's possible to lose readership if even the first few sentences fail to deliver, because people are impatient and they can have a gazillion other things they could be reading or doing with their time.

 

Getting more specific, the prose in general is unrefined and bland.  Assuming you're insisting on keeping this Sam guy around, he only has a boring life because you're telling us.  Ever hear of that "show, don't tell" rule?  Yeah, it's important.  If you wanna show us Sam's boredom, don't flat out state he lives a dull, boring life.  Mention his glazed stare, how he has nothing else to do, that catching ten fish on Saturdays is the highlight of his week.  Make the readers engaged with your characters.  Make us feel Sam's boredom, get us to care about him.  Even if he's a minor, one-shot character, a sentence or two can show us everything we need to know about him if you know how to say it.

 

Never use all-caps.  And one exclamation mark is all you need.  As for the formatting, I could be wrong about this one, but you may wanna double-space between paragraphs and dialogue instead of single-space.  This isn't a traditional book, it's not even an ebook.  People online usually don't do it the way you're doing it because when you're reading something on a computer screen, all on one big page, single-spacing everything can make your text look crowded.  It's technically improper to double space between paragraphs, but it looks neater when you're reading it online.

 

You can take all of this or leave it, because I'm not about to stomp on anyone's fun, but you posted it for everyone to see under the assumption we'd give you our opinion.  I just hope I didn't come across as harsh, though.

Hoo boy, you caught me at a critique-y mood.  I normally don't speak out against stuff in the writing section here, but you asked what we thought, and well, reread the first sentence.  Luckily it's short so there's not much work for me, but let's go from broad to specific.

 

First off, if you say the prologue is boring... rewrite it so it's not boring.  It's an amateurish tendency for people to say stuff like "Oh, I know it's boring but it'll get better, Ipromise!"  Don't get me wrong, the prologue and/or first chapter will often be slower than the rest of the story because you need to take time to establish things, but it's not an excuse for the beginning to not be engaging.  In fact, the beginning is a crucial point in your story because it will determine if people will continue reading it.  If you can't captivate your readers' attention from the very start, they won't bother continuing just because you promise it'll get better.  Why should they keep reading because of a promise?  Why can't you deliver something interesting from the get-go?  Your prologue is short, which is fine--but when it's short like this, it's even more important to say the most in the shortest time.  Unless this Sam dude is gonna be important later on, his entire scene can be taken out so you can get straight to Demyx's scene with the stained glass.  It's unusual that the prologue, the very first thing we're reading, spends more time on this inconsequential Sam dude than the main character or something equally important.  It's possible to lose readership if even the first few sentences fail to deliver, because people are impatient and they can have a gazillion other things they could be reading or doing with their time.

 

Getting more specific, the prose in general is unrefined and bland.  Assuming you're insisting on keeping this Sam guy around, he only has a boring life because you're telling us.  Ever hear of that "show, don't tell" rule?  Yeah, it's important.  If you wanna show us Sam's boredom, don't flat out state he lives a dull, boring life.  Mention his glazed stare, how he has nothing else to do, that catching ten fish on Saturdays is the highlight of his week.  Make the readers engaged with your characters.  Make us feel Sam's boredom, get us to care about him.  Even if he's a minor, one-shot character, a sentence or two can show us everything we need to know about him if you know how to say it.

 

Never use all-caps.  And one exclamation mark is all you need.  As for the formatting, I could be wrong about this one, but you may wanna double-space between paragraphs and dialogue instead of single-space.  This isn't a traditional book, it's not even an ebook.  People online usually don't do it the way you're doing it because when you're reading something on a computer screen, all on one big page, single-spacing everything can make your text look crowded.  It's technically improper to double space between paragraphs, but it looks neater when you're reading it online.

 

You can take all of this or leave it, because I'm not about to stomp on anyone's fun, but you posted it for everyone to see under the assumption we'd give you our opinion.  I just hope I didn't come across as harsh, though.

It's all good. I'm not used to writing this whole putting writing on a website thing. Sam is important. In all honesty(and it sounds horrible) I got lazy with the prologue. haha So, yeah I see your point. I've been putting more time into the first chapter so it doesn't end up that way.