You know, I just kind of feel like a bad person. I literally have no skills at anything, I'm afraid of everything, I have no friends my age (and barely any friends that are younger than me). I seem to be cursed, to live my entire life feeling like everyone hates me, be it online or offline. I know what people will say, "That's not true, lot's of people like you!". Except they don't. And even if they did, what do online friendships even mean? Nothing. And it doesn't matter how hard I try, but IRL, I just can't keep a friend for any long periods of time. Every friend I made back in San Bernardino hated me after a while, and I didn't do anything to them (I mean, the one kid stole my GBA, I didn't steal from him). I also can't stop watching porn, and that's a really, really bad thing. My mom knows, and she wants me to stop, but after talking to me, she probably thinks I'm not watching it anymore. What kind of girl would want to get involved with me if I watch crap like that? Why is it so hard to just stop watching it? You know, 2 years ago, I actually had suicidal nightmares. I would die in those dreams, and usually I killed myself. Worst part was that, as I was sinking into the ground, people just watched me go. They didn't care that I was dying. They looked at me with faces of loathing.

 

My family loves me, and I know they would be heartbroken if I died, but... They're the only people on earth that love me, and probably the only ones who ever will. Seriously, even my extended family on my mom's side couldn't care less what happens to me. I can't get cheered up, either. I never talk about this, since it doesn't make me feel better. Comfort means nothing. I feel like anything I create, be it drawings or stories, will never be any good. Recently my Miiverse drawings seem to just be ignored. I feel lonely, I feel like I can't accomplish anything. I don't even know how to drive, and I literally despise driving as a whole. I wasn't one of those teenagers that was like "alright, I finally got my own car! Joyride time!" or whatever, I was afraid. I still am afraid. I'm afraid of driving, afraid of the dark, afraid of doing simple things off the high dive at the pool, like a flip or dive, I'm afraid of blood, afraid of people hating everything I do. I'm especially afraid of the future. I'm lazy and untalented, and I just can't see any good things in my future. I had a dream once, where I was married to a girl named Alice, and we were walking together on a pier. But I don't think Alice exists. She was probably just some foolishly hopeful thought of mine.

 

I know I may seem pretty cheerful in statuses or whatever, but if I really think about it, really think hard about who I am, I realize I'm just a failure of a human being. And I don't know what to do. I don't feel suicidal anymore, and even if I did, I'd probably be too afraid to actually end my life. I just don't know anymore. And the worst part is, talking about my problems makes me even more depressed, because there are millions of people who have it a lot worse than I do. I don't know anymore. I just don't.

I find that the best cure for these kinds of feelings is turning yourself outward and helping other people instead of focusing inward, if that makes sense.  I know that being depressed makes it a million times harder to get up to go and do anything about it, but from personal experience, the more you do service to other people, and the more happiness you can bring to them, even if they don't know it's you or even notice, the less you'll care about your own problems.  Maybe it's just me, but when you're sad, making someone else happy can make you vicariously happy, too.  And who knows.  If you turn outward, maybe some of your other problems could sort themselves out by themselves.

The only way this stuff will get better is if you try man...you have to be brave and have the courage to go out in the world and meet people who you can trust.

The more you try, the better you get.

I hope im not too late. Im sorry you feel like this. I feel exactly like this. Seriously. Im afraid of everything. Im afraid of driving, of going to college, talking to my family, ordering at a restaurant, of living the rest of my life miserably, living at all, living for eternity, going to hell, having a broken heart, that someday i might actually be talented but it still wont be enough. Honestly, it would be easier to list things im not afraid of. My point is, everything you said i can relate to. Except the porn thing lol porn isnt my thing (its disgusting to me, sorry) but i dont understand why you would be ashamed of that. Watching porn is normal for males and even females. If you feel its perversing your mind then i suggest you quit watching it. "Fix your thoughts on what is true and honorable  and right and pure and lovely and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and are worthy of praise." Phillipians 4:8 (Sorry if you dont like Christianity but words from the Bible are actually very wise if you just get over the fact they're from the Bible) If it makes you guilty, it would be wise to just cut that stress out of your life. "If your going to feel bad about it afterwards, you probably shouldnt do it" is what i usually say. The truth is, we all get sad. Even when we know others have it worse, that doesnt mean our own pain isnt worth considering, it just means we have to help others even when we cant help ourselves in hopes someone will do the same for us. The problem is I myself dont know how to help others so i just try to give advice when i can. I want to help you, i really do, but since we are in the same ditch and i myself cant get out of, then me and you both are stuck.

 

However i do know, if talent and skill is what you seek, all you need to do is work hard. Dont let laziness stop you, simply because you are capable of great things. Nothing is so hard so long as you put your mind to it. I dont seek talent and skill because i know it wont be enough for me, and my work will be for nothing. But if what you want is to be great, I tell you that YOU CAN BE GREAT.

Im sorry you had a bad lot with friends, honestly since i have very few friends, and none that are truly my best, all i can say is when we can find someone WE seek to be friends with we can start making them. If it does not work then we can find more people to reach out to. After all, what else has Kingdom Hearts taught us that friends is a form of love?

I hope im not too late. Im sorry you feel like this. I feel exactly like this. Seriously. Im afraid of everything. Im afraid of driving, of going to college, talking to my family, ordering at a restaurant, of living the rest of my life miserably, living at all, living for eternity, going to hell, having a broken heart, that someday i might actually be talented but it still wont be enough. Honestly, it would be easier to list things im not afraid of. My point is, everything you said i can relate to. Except the porn thing lol porn isnt my thing (its disgusting to me, sorry) but i dont understand why you would be ashamed of that. Watching porn is normal for males and even females. If you feel its perversing your mind then i suggest you quit watching it. "Fix your thoughts on what is true and honorable  and right and pure and lovely and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and are worthy of praise." Phillipians 4:8 (Sorry if you dont like Christianity but words from the Bible are actually very wise if you just get over the fact they're from the Bible) If it makes you guilty, it would be wise to just cut that stress out of your life. "If your going to feel bad about it afterwards, you probably shouldnt do it" is what i usually say. The truth is, we all get sad. Even when we know others have it worse, that doesnt mean our own pain isnt worth considering, it just means we have to help others even when we cant help ourselves in hopes someone will do the same for us. The problem is I myself dont know how to help others so i just try to give advice when i can. I want to help you, i really do, but since we are in the same ditch and i myself cant get out of, then me and you both are stuck. However i do know, if talent and skill is what you seek, all you need to do is work hard. Dont let laziness stop you, simply because you are capable of great things. Nothing is so hard so long as you put your mind to it. I dont seek talent and skill because i know it wont be enough for me, and my work will be for nothing. But if what you want is to be great, I tell you that YOU CAN BE GREAT.Im sorry you had a bad lot with friends, honestly since i have very few friends, and none that are truly my best, all i can say is when we can find someone WE seek to be friends with we can start making them. If it does not work then we can find more people to reach out to. After all, what else has Kingdom Hearts taught us that friends is a form of love?

I'm actually Religious so I have no problems with Bible verses. But anyway, thank you for talking to me. I know I should stop, but it's really hard not to watch that kind of stuff. I think I'm getting better at resisting watching it though. I have been feeling better these past few days.

Uh, How old are you?...

Edited August 2, 201411 yr by Hargleblargleboo

I'm actually Religious so I have no problems with Bible verses. But anyway, thank you for talking to me. I know I should stop, but it's really hard not to watch that kind of stuff. I think I'm getting better at resisting watching it though. I have been feeling better these past few days.

I'm glad.

Uh, How old are you?...

 

17, turning 18 on January 28th. Why do you ask?

17, turning 18 on January 28th. Why do you ask?

Ah, I see. I asked because I wanted see how your youth is. Man, you still got a ton of time ahead of you, don't you dare give up now. Young and bright souls are what we all want to give hugs and greetings to. You're the same age as me, ya' know. 

 

Now ask yourself, what things make you happy? Not just the big things, but the little things as well. Keep finding those things as you grow, and as you have known. Also, know your weakness' as well. Let yourself ponder and question it all. I've done this, and what I've personally learned so far is that life is a never-ending puzzle and that the meaning of it is to have joy. What will you find? That's something you have to find on your own.

 

It might not be easy, but it'll damn be worth it. My story is still unwritten, and so is yours.

The world is your oyster.

Edited August 3, 201411 yr by Hargleblargleboo

I think I somewhat understand what you mean. I've been lonely nearly whole my life, though things are better now (though this year has been pretty rough). It's so cliché, but things might get better with time... they did for me, and I got friends (really good friends, BTW) even though I thought I never would. But it's also true that some problems just don't go away with time. I wonder if psychotherapy or something could be helpful (because it sounded to me that you've had these thoughts for quite some time now)? Not saying you should definitely go because I don't know your situation that well, but it wouldn't be a bad idea. Might be helpful.

 

But, I just wanna say that it's just okay not to be that strong. Don't push yourself too hard (though it's easier said than done). You don't have to be exceptionally great at something to be valuable. Or even just good, but if you say that you really aren't good at anything, I don't believe you. It doesn't have to be anything big, just some ordinary things. People just never really see the good in themselves.

And don't feel that quilty about watching porn, unless it really is a problem (=watching it all day long). I mean, it's kinda normal, isn't it? Why would it be that no girl would want you because of it?

 

Just don't give up. I know you probably don't see much good in your life at the moment, but try to see even the tiny ones and cling onto them. You said your family loves you? Try to be around them more. Do things you like, something to get your mind off of your thoughts. But don't ignore them, cry if you feel like it. It might take time, but you'll be alright.