Chapter 1

I was walking in a castle until a was attacked by a boy with a blade. Wait this doesn

everyone leave terraxaqua32 alone

 

It's*cough*terraxaqua34*cough*

We're giving constructive critisism. To write a book/story, it's nessecary. .-.

 

You've improved greatly <3

Read over DemDem's crit again--I still see many spelling and grammer flaws. Spell checker is your best friend as a writer, kk? ^^

everyone leave terraxaqua32 alone

 

First of all it's terraxaqua34

2nd of all, we're not bullying him. We're just giving him construtive criticsism so that he can improve .w.

It still needs a lot of work though. Use the enter bar so that it's not just one huge wall of text .w.

Chapter 7

Me and Kato looked at each other.'' So we have to each other Danzo''Asked Kato.'' Yes it's the only way to get stronger you two''said Danzo as he left. I looked at Kato and he was already up to head with his blade. I blocked the attack with my blade. I then flew back to the end of the ring. Kato had darkness around his blade. I thought he was really going to kill me. I then heard a voice telling me use stardust dragon. I then helded my blade in the air and yelled''Stardust dragon!''. I then had light go around my blade and i fired a slash at Kato. Kato blocked the attack and then fired a dark slash. I dodge it and stabed him in the gut. Kato then pulled the sword and was about to kill me until Danzo then blocked the attack and knocked out Kato.'' Sorry i told him not to kill you''said Danzo. I thought that Danzo may not be trusted anymore.

This is getting really good and exciting.Please write more!

great chapters, but u need to put commas after ur quotes liek this

 

Instead of "Sorry i told him not to kill you"said Danso.

 

Put "Sorry, I told him not to kill you," said Danzo.

^ Um, I don't think you should be giving crit when you can't follow your own spelling and grammer advice, lol.

 

Alright, it's kind of hard to give crit when I know some of it you'll just ignore, though you have improved greatly <3

 

Here's how that entire paragraph SHOULD have been written:

Chapter 7

Me and Kato looked at each other.'' So we have to each other Danzo''Asked Kato.'' Yes it's the only way to get stronger you two''said Danzo as he left. I looked at Kato and he was already up to head with his blade. I blocked the attack with my blade. I then flew back to the end of the ring. Kato had darkness around his blade. I thought he was really going to kill me. I then heard a voice telling me use stardust dragon. I then helded my blade in the air and yelled''Stardust dragon!''. I then had light go around my blade and i fired a slash at Kato. Kato blocked the attack and then fired a dark slash. I dodge it and stabed him in the gut. Kato then pulled the sword and was about to kill me until Danzo then blocked the attack and knocked out Kato.'' Sorry i told him not to kill you''said Danzo. I thought that Danzo may not be trusted anymore.

Kato and I looked at each other. "So we have each other?" Kato asked. "Yes; it's the only way to get stronger." Danzo said as he left. I looked at Kato, but he'd already raised his blade to his head. I blocked his attack with my blade, and I flew back to the end of the ring. Darkness curled around Kato's blade, and I thought he really would kill me. Then I heard a voice telling me to use Stardust Dragon. I held my blade in the air, and yelled, "Stardust Dragon!" Light swirled around my blade and I slashed at Kato. He blocked, attacking again, but I managed to dodge and stab him. Kato pulled out the sword and raised it to kill me, until Danzo black the attack and knocked out Kato. "Sorry--I told him not to kill you." Danzo said. I thought to myself, 'Danze may not be trustworthy..'

 

I really wish I could have TRULY re-written that paragraph. I tried my best to keep your original words, though. Try switching up your vocabulary a bit--don't keep saying "said" everytime someone speaks. There a millions of words in the English language. I think you know at least a few that could take the place of the word "said".

 

Also, it really isn't the best to write out fight scenes like that. Just 'he attacked, I blocked, he attacked, I attacked', ect. is boring. I have no idea what on earth your character is thinking or feeling. On top of that, you're just doing that to make it seem longer. =/ If you can't put in the time to think of two sentances to write, then don't bother writing.

 

Sorry if I seem sort of harsh.. but do try to look over that paragraph. Again, I would've changed many of the words you used, but I tried to keep it accurate.

yah man, just listen to lexi and ul be great, ur story is already good, but to make it great you need to put it in a way that people can understand what you are talking about

*cough*don'tdoublepost*cough*

 

Yeah-- 'ur' and 'ul', ect.?

well im not writing the story so im not watching my spelling/grammar

Chapter 8

I was looking at Danzo who had stop Kato from attacking.'' What do you mean about telling Kato not to kill me?''I asked.'' Well he said he wanted to fight you, but i told him not to kill you.''said danzo as he sounded anger. I went to my room and grab the dragon book again. I opened it again and i was suck in again.

 

I was in the forest again and saw the man fight against a dragon warrior. I wanted to yell who are you, but i could'nt talk. I saw the man get his sword out and he said something. After he said that the dragon's he was facing were sealed in the sword. The image faded and i was in my room again.'' So i was at the time when the man sealed the dragon's huh. Fine then i'm going to leave since Danzo might be up to something.''i said as i left my room. I was walking in the hallway close to the door until i saw Kato waiting for me.'' I'm cming with you.''said Kato as he opened the door. I nodded and we both left the castle to go destory the dragon i saw in my dream.

I am very intrigued on how this will turn out. All I can say now is....MORE! MUCH MORE! lol

 

Hey! This is my 100th post! Awesome!

 

Chapter 9

'' You two must come back with me to master Danzo or i will kill you!''yelled the man. I took out my blade.'' Well lets have a fair fight then.

 

Alright, the first fight scene is coming (Well besides the kato vs main character fight) Your going to have to use a good bit of detail in this fight. Lets see how it goes.

Chapter 9

Me and Kato walked outside the castle and were wondering where to go.'' The dream was about me going to New York.''I said trying to be quiet.'' Well then we should get to New York before Danzo because i don't trust Danzo anymore.''said Kato as he was trying to be quiet. We when in Rhode Island which was stange. I thought we were in San Antiono,Texas i thought.'' Danzo has the power over distance so this is no touble for him to sent his castle from San Antiono to Rhode Island.''said Kato as we enter the city. We were waitng by a news paper stand and we saw the paper. It had me on it being a wanted man. All i did was blew out a wall thats all i thought. Kato then returned with some drinks.'' Hey i got some info that a man can get us to New York in two days.''said Kato as he gave me my drink. A man was looking at me stange.'' Lets go Kato i think Danzo might have sented a man to come and get us.''I said as we ran. We ended on a bridge, But the man was infront of us.'' You two must come back with me to master Danzo or i will kill you!''yelled the man. I took out my blade.'' Well lets have a fair fight then.

Very good.Please write more!

Good besides the fact of grammar errors

yeah thos echapters are great

I love the story. It keeps you coming back to the thread and makes you want to read more and again.

This good stuff. Keep writing dude!

Chapter 10

I looked at the man. He was about 5 ft and 6 in, He had blue eyes, And he had a black coat on. Kato rushed to the man. The man couter with a swing of his blade. Kato clashed blades with him. I was thinking what to do since this is my second fight with my sword. Kato backed up from the man.'' Whats wrong Neku i thought you were going to fight,but your making your friend here to fight!''Yelled the man. I thought there must be a way to defeat this guy no matter what.'' Kato we need to retreat for now ah!''I yelled as i got stabed. Kato saw and stabed the man as well. The man then pulled out the sword and broke it. I saw Kato's sword getting breaken. I just had fire form around my blade and i attacked the man. The man then took the blow and stabed Kato in the lung. The man died by the fire and the bridged started to fall apart. I grabed the knock out Kato and ran off the bridge. People saw me and started to call the cops. I ran to the woods and saw a man come in front of me. I was about to pass out,But the man did it for me and i fell to the ground.

Really cool and awsome.This is getting so intense and exciting each time better.Please write more.

Once again another good chapter. I wished my skills were as best as your dude.

Keep on righting.

good!

wow its starting to get more intense i bet youll add a surprise *fingers crossed*

Chapter 11

My mind lead me back to New York. I was again in Times square. I started to walk around and saw a man in the center of the sqaure.'' Hey who are you''. I wanted to say,But my voice didn't work. I was sented to another place. I was at Danzo's castle. He had just finished making a blade that had eyes on it. I tryed to get a better look, But the image faded.

 

I was in a sleeping bag in the forest.'' Hello Neku i see that your awake.''said a man as he was sitting in a chair.'' Who are you and why did you save me and Kato?'' i asked. I was wondering what did this guy want and why did he save me and Kato. The man had long blonde hair, he was 5ft and 9in,and he had blue eyes. I got up and i saw that i didn't have any wounds on me. I saw Kato having been wounded in the lung. I got up and saw that the cops,FBI, and the news crew at the bridge which i destoryed with my fire move.'' I will tell you what you need to do to dodge Danzo so he dosen't attack you okay''.said the man as he tryed to be quiet. I looked at the man and wondered if he can help us and not try to kill me and Kato.

You don't always have to capatalize, hun. x3 Only at the beginning of a sentance, or when saying a person's name. There are other little exceptions, but I don't feel like getting into them, lol. Again, I like the story idea, but I still see a lot of room for improvement.

 

Try varying your vocabulary some--it makes your chapters more interesting. It can also transform your writing style to be more unique. Take Stephenie Meyer (author of the Twilight Saga), for instance. The way she writes, the words she chooses, set her aside, and make it flow smoother.

 

Again, smoothness and rythem is important. Some of your sentances just seem choppy, and they don't have a steady beat. That is especially important in poetry, but for a story, it makes it almost more engrossing.

 

I would like to see some more detail. You've improved on that some, but, again, I still see much room for improvement. I can't even tell very well what your characters look like, let alone the locations they are in. If they're in the woods, for instance, I want to read something descriptive, like: Sunlight filtered down through the green canopy of the oak trees. Little bugs flitted around my face, landing on my arms and clinging to my shirt. The sun-dried leaves crunched beneath my sneakers. ect.

 

I could go on, but I think those are pretty much my main points. x3 You are improving greatly, just work a little bit harder. <3

Chapter 11 was AWESOME! I don't care about the grammar or the spelling, cause we are all human. But really the story get more excited.

Chapter 11 was AWESOME! I don't care about the grammar or the spelling, cause we are all human. But really the story get more excited.

 

I am human, and I use proper spelling and grammar. >.> Just pointing out, he's older than me. >.< It's being lazy that results in poor spelling and grammar--how anyone gets higher than an "F" typing like that for English papers, I will never understand.