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I haven't done one of these in a while and I have a lot of thoughts to dispense on this "movie" given that I had the pleasure of seeing it on Christmas Day instead of, oh I don't know, Rouge One: A Star Wars Story or literally any other movie playing in the Goddamn theater at the time...

 

You know what, I'm just going to jump into it, and spoiler alert: this plot is cliche as all f*ck and doesn't deserve a spoiler tab.

 

Let's start with that actually. See, this film was directed and written by John Hamburg, writer of the "Meet the Parents" franchise and the Zoolander movies. I bring this up because this film is basically just another Meet The Parents. Like, an exact copy of Meet The Parents. The only differences are that the boyfriend is the antagonist instead of the dad and it feels like it's sucking away at your IQ points with all the sex, drugs, and bodily fluids injected into every other scene...

 

Also, as you can see on the poster, Bryan Cranston is the dad and James Franco is the boyfriend? Yeah. Bryan Cranston. Walter White. Future incarnation of Zordon of Eltar. In this movie. James Franco, unfortunately, isn't very surprising because while I and other people love him to death, he's pretty much pigeonholed himself into these kinds of movies at this point... but Bryan f*cking Cranston??? Forget all of his former experience in comedy, I wouldn't wish this role on my least favorite comedian, because... *sigh*... this review is going to be nothing but me losing my shit unless I knuckle up a bit, so... let's just talk about the story...

 

Except I'm NOT because there basically IS no f*cking story. Swerve! Yeah, I already called the plot cliche and frankly, it is. It's literally every single f*cking "disapproving dad" plot that you've seen before. Cranston as the dad is clean cut and traditional. Franco, the boyfriend, is a bare chest showing, foul-mouthed, douchebag zillionaire app/video game developer. They don't like each other for every reason you can think of. The boyfriend is "eccentric". Everybody but the dad warms up to him. He has a weird foreign servant played by Keegan Michael Key (who is literally the only bright spot in this movie above all us to no surprise...)

 

Blah blah blah blah blah awkward first impressions blah blah blah blah blah daughter gets mad blah blah blah they go on hi-jinks and bond a little blah blah blah blah blah they fight blah blah blah everybody is upset blah blah blah blah blah f*cking Gene and Paul from KISS of all people show up and then cue sappy not-even-in-the-ballpark-of sentimentality wrap-up and they all lived happily ever after... uuuuuugggghh...

 

By the way, you know how raunchy and offensive this film tries to be with its comedy? Early on, we see that the boyfriend has a dead moose hanging in one of the rooms and enclosed in a glass tank full of piss... because art, of course. Guess what happens when he and the dad get in a fight. G-guess what happens. No really, I want you to guess. Think for a second, think about everything you know about foreshadowing or Chekov's Gun and wrap your head around what that could possibly symbol-THE TANK BREAKS, PISS GOES EVERYWHERE, AND THE DEAD MOOSE FALLS ON THE SON WITH ITS BALLS LANDING DIRECTLY ON TOP OF HIS FACE. WHOOPDY FREAKING DOO, DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...

 

... 2/10. I'm done. Someone just give me a ticket to go see Rouge One already, I'm begging you. DX Make the bad thoughts go away, make the bad thoughts go awaaaaay-haaay... *sobbing in corner while rocking back and forth in the feeble position*

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2/10 seems rather generous coming from you, especially given all the rants I've heard you make about this movie. ._.

 

Either way, this one looked dumb just from the trailers... Definitely not wasting my time with it. I feel so sorry that you were subjected to this torment instead of Rogue One.

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Seriously, why did you force yourself to sit through this instead of watching Rogue One or AC? Just to trash it or to show how bad it is?

 

I should clarify that it was not by choice. My uncle decided to take me and my relatives out to the movies for Christmas and the movie he picked was this one. Everybody else was in agreement to see it and if I had spoken up, I would have just came off as a party pooper so I just kept my mouth shut and went along with it. I mean, they had a really good time, but me? Not so much.

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