Blurb: Massacre...

 

 

 

"Sadness.... depression..... harassment.....rape...... Ive been through it all. Ive seen murder from to my parents. Ive been through bullying and even got through Child abuse. But many scolded me, hated on me and even tried to threaten me. I hate them all...In my life, i will make my life happier for once, even if it means creating a massacre......"-Unknown

 

This story is about a group of friends, close friends trying to live life in a rural town called "Oshisageru". Kids include:

 

Daisuki (Suki for short):

 

 

Hikaru:

 

Tomoko:

 

 

 

 

 

 

Haruka:

 

 

 

Yuki:

 

 

Akio:

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~So which one am i?~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was actually a very pleasant read. If this was an anime, boy, would I watch it.

 

Here are my complaints/things you should work on:

 

Paragraph placement like separating internal monologues, descriptions and dialogue. (If I don't see this a part of me dies inside because it drives me crazy when text is not organized. D:)

 

Grammar, spelling and punctuation. (Oh yes, if there's one one big turn off of a story it's this. While your spelling seems to be okay, it's your punctuation that annoys me.)

 

Description. (Try describing the time placement and settings when first starting a chapter. Doing that can work wonders. It just draws people in. What drew me? The fact it took place in Japan even if you did state it rather than describe it. Also, I know we already know what the characters look like, but try using adjectives when describing characters. Example: Her eyes were the midday sky itself or his skin sheened like a pearl. Or even better, little quirks they perform. Like maybe when Suki smiles he has a dimple in his cheek or when Tomoko concentrates, she tilts her head to the side without knowing so maybe she looks really cute too.)

 

Emoticons in text. (D: WHAI ARE YOU DOING THIS? EMOTICONS ARE BANNED WHEN WRITING SERIOUSLY. If you need help describing the emotions you're looking for, I'd be happy to assist you.)

 

Now the first chapter was actually not that interesting because all you did was introduce characters. Put action or info to grab people's attention. Like talking about the town.

 

WHOA VIOLENCE AGAINST WOMEN? Never knew you'd sink to that level, Shana. ;P

 

When it comes to what time it is, take advantage of your surroundings by describing what animals are out or where the sun is in the sky.

 

As for the gore, violence and bloodshed try to make it more fast-paced, realistic and less boring. Sorry about that.

 

This is like Higurashi. I haven't watched it but I just know it's like Higurashi.

 

Describe, don't state. I think at the moment, that's your greatest flaw.

 

The best way to improve this and your writing? Read, read, read. If you want your writing to be particularly descriptive, I recommend you read Cassandra Clare's The Mortal Instruments, if you haven't already. (It's a supernatural fantasy romance series.) While I'm not fond of her plots and characters, her creativity and writing ability are really something. It just flows so beautifully. I take great examples from her and so should anybody reading this review.

I think the story is good.

It was actually a very pleasant read. If this was an anime, boy, would I watch it.

 

Here are my complaints/things you should work on:

 

Paragraph placement like separating internal monologues, descriptions and dialogue. (If I don't see this a part of me dies inside because it drives me crazy when text is not organized. D:)

 

Grammar, spelling and punctuation. (Oh yes, if there's one one big turn off of a story it's this. While your spelling seems to be okay, it's your punctuation that annoys me.)

 

Description. (Try describing the time placement and settings when first starting a chapter. Doing that can work wonders. It just draws people in. What drew me? The fact it took place in Japan even if you did state it rather than describe it. Also, I know we already know what the characters look like, but try using adjectives when describing characters. Example: Her eyes were the midday sky itself or his skin sheened like a pearl. Or even better, little quirks they perform. Like maybe when Suki smiles he has a dimple in his cheek or when Tomoko concentrates, she tilts her head to the side without knowing so maybe she looks really cute too.)

 

Emoticons in text. (D: WHAI ARE YOU DOING THIS? EMOTICONS ARE BANNED WHEN WRITING SERIOUSLY. If you need help describing the emotions you're looking for, I'd be happy to assist you.)

 

Now the first chapter was actually not that interesting because all you did was introduce characters. Put action or info to grab people's attention. Like talking about the town.

 

WHOA VIOLENCE AGAINST WOMEN? Never knew you'd sink to that level, Shana. ;P

 

When it comes to what time it is, take advantage of your surroundings by describing what animals are out or where the sun is in the sky.

 

As for the gore, violence and bloodshed try to make it more fast-paced, realistic and less boring. Sorry about that.

 

This is like Higurashi. I haven't watched it but I just know it's like Higurashi.

 

Describe, don't state. I think at the moment, that's your greatest flaw.

 

The best way to improve this and your writing? Read, read, read. If you want your writing to be particularly descriptive, I recommend you read Cassandra Clare's The Mortal Instruments, if you haven't already. (It's a supernatural fantasy romance series.) While I'm not fond of her plots and characters, her creativity and writing ability are really something. It just flows so beautifully. I take great examples from her and so should anybody reading this review.

 

lol i guess i have some flaws i need to work on http://kh13.com/forum/public/style_emoticons/default/happy.png

for emoticons...a few were made on purpose...and some just happened because this site thinks it supposed to be a smiley face

Organizations....my brother gave me the idea of putting my dialogues like that....and since it annoys you i should have done what i thought of before....

and i think thats what you meant i dont really understood what you said there....

Higurashi was an inspiration

and yes i go VERY deep in my writing http://kh13.com/forum/public/style_emoticons/default/happy.png trust me i have tons of stories up in my mind, most fan made but some are brand new, like a story i like to call "Slaya" which is very very disturbing and yet interesting to me

 

thanks for the review though http://kh13.com/forum/public/style_emoticons/default/happy.png

 

 

 

 

I think the story is good.

 

thanks http://kh13.com/forum/public/style_emoticons/default/happy.png

 

 

lol i guess i have some flaws i need to work on http://kh13.com/forum/public/style_emoticons/default/happy.png

for emoticons...a few were made on purpose...and some just happened because this site thinks it supposed to be a smiley face

Organizations....my brother gave me the idea of putting my dialogues like that....and since it annoys you i should have done what i thought of before....

and i think thats what you meant i dont really understood what you said there....

Higurashi was an inspiration

and yes i go VERY deep in my writing http://kh13.com/forum/public/style_emoticons/default/happy.png trust me i have tons of stories up in my mind, most fan made but some are brand new, like a story i like to call "Slaya" which is very very disturbing and yet interesting to me

 

thanks for the review though http://kh13.com/forum/public/style_emoticons/default/happy.png

 

I hate it when I hurt people's feelings. It's happened tons of times before. I'M SO SORRY IF I MADE YOU FEEL BAD. D:

I hate it when I hurt people's feelings. It's happened tons of times before. I'M SO SORRY IF I MADE YOU FEEL BAD. D:

 

 

lol you did not, your just trying to help me http://kh13.com/forum/public/style_emoticons/default/happy.png im going to write another chapter probably tomorrow if i have time... ill try to fix my mistakes http://kh13.com/forum/public/style_emoticons/default/happy.png

Overall, I like it, it's definitely interesting.

 

There are a few flaws, although ApprenticeofKingMickey spotted most of what I was going to say. To add to what they suggested, you shouldn't need photos of your characters. You should be able to detail them to the reader. I've never read a book where there were photos of the characters in the front, and yet I know what they look like, because the author has described them. Just imagine what you would notice about them if they were a real person. In addition, don't use emoticons, readers shouldn't need a picture of an emotion to understand it.

 

Again, in general, I think it's really nice. (: Post a new chapter soon, Shana!