I'm so sorry for doing this, and I hope I don't affect anyone for the worst by doing this. If you are sensitive or in any way feeling sad, turn back now.

 

 

 

I... I'm scared of the fact that this may be my last and final post.

I don't know how much longer I can hold out. It feels like I can barely manage to justify my existence for another hour, let alone for another day, week, year, up until the day I'm supposed to die a natural death. I don't know if I can continue to go on, with all the circumstances that I'm in.

I graduated high school back in 2011. fast forward to today, and I'm still stuck in my local community college, trying to transfer outta there into a real institution of higher education (Primarily Texas A&M.) I have just realized that I still need to take some required courses for me to be eligible for consideration to transfer, which will have me ending up burning up another year. As if I wasn't already a disappointment, I have to end up staying at home for another year before I can get out into a real college, and that's IF I'm lucky and nothing bad pops up. But I know with my luck, this will be impossible. I'm sick of the red tape, I'm sick of struggling with trying to keep my sorry a55 in school, I'm sick of fighting reality telling me that I will amount to nothing, I'm sick of seeing my friends happily staying on track to earning their degrees while I struggle to join them, I'm sick of this game that we all know as life. My little brother will be graduating soon, and I sure as hell don't want to be around to witness the moment. It sounds selfish, but I want to be out there, earning my bachelor's in Biology or off in the military as an officer, not stuck at home still struggling to be admitted into the university of my dreams. I don't want to be left behind, but my biggest fear, my worst nightmare has become a stark reality, and I don't know if I should continue. I'm sick of being a disappointment to my parents, and maybe it's best if I just end it all so they wouldn't be burdened with seeing me ever again.

 

I had planned for this. In the event I fail so catastrophically, so much so to the point that I have reached the state where I am now, I had planned to just enlist with the military right now. Give me a purpose, give me a sense of being worthy of living for another day, a reason to wake up and look forward to a new day (and hell, spam the 'post a pic of yourself' thread of my mini Kairi figures with me in my uniform... maybe have my drill sergeant involved somehow). But my parents... they've decided to give me another chance to redeem myself. I've let them down already, and I don't know if I'll disappoint them again. I wanted to make them happy, and all my life goals coincide with all this. But I know they're tired of waiting, and joining now will bring them the smile that I yearn to see again...

 

But I know I'm smarter than this, I know I have a worthy future. I wanted to become a doctor, join the military as an officer, travel places and help those in need simply because of the goodness in my heart while I still retain my innocence...... return to my hometown after all these years, shake the hand of that one homeless person who I kept passing by when I was in elementary school and tell him that his suffering is over, that I will shoulder his burden so he can start anew. It's the whole reason why I'm so hell bent on becoming a doctor ever since I was a kid; to help others and have the resources to do so. Where other doctors worry about which BMW to choose and what color they want the mansion it is parked in to be, I want to be out there, to be someone's angel, to be their answer to their secret prayers that they have all but given up on. Not just for that one guy, but to everyone that I know or meet, from this forum to chance encounters in reality. But it's as if I'm being punished for thinking so. If I get some semblance of a happy ending at this point of my life, at best I'll be able to witness my friends graduating while I still have a couple of years to go. But I don't want to watch them, I want to walk alongside them...

 

Hell... all three of my friends have noticed that I rarely smile now, and where others are laughing until their sides hurt, I stand there, trying to remember how to laugh, how to smile, how to be happy. I've forgotten what it means to feel joy, to feel happiness. I haven't truly smiled for over seven years.

 

Behind this profile, behind this electronic wall that we all take for granted, is a shattered and broken kid. Lonely, sad, cold, and struggling to hammer out a future for himself.

 

When I joined this site back in February 2013, that was a really dark time for me. I wasn't able to attend any spring semester classes because of administration and financial issues. I'm already behind as it is by not being able to get in from the get go, and now I'm behind a whole semester on top of the additional years because of administrative red tape. I stumbled into this site a broken and tired kid, just trying to cope with the harsh reality. I met some nice people here and I really am thankful. This place... has helped me cope for a while, but now the effects are quickly going away. Reality continues to berate me, hound me into a corner as I continue to fight for a spot in this world, as I try to continue fighting for a future but even for a person like me, well... I can only be strong for so long. I don't know if I'm giving up or if I've been fighting for so long, but I just. can't. take. it. anymore. I no longer have anything to justify my existence. I just want to fade away painlessly and peacefully. I feel like I just want to become nothing more than a bad memory for my family and brothers, a memory that deserves to be forgotten, erased from utter existence... But I know committing the final solution won't help, and Dawnstar2004 doesn't like the idea that the person who gave her the Riku doll no longer walks this planet...so I'm left to stand, ever more vulnerable, ever more tired, ever more yearning to just let go. 

 

I don't know if I want to continue anymore. I really want to be happy again. I really want to come to this forum happy and actually enjoy the games that we all enjoy. I really wanted to post a picture of me at the university of my dreams with my Kairi figure sitting on my shoulder and keyblade for everyone here to point and laugh at and for the memories, But... I don't think I can last any longer. I don't know if I'm running out of time, or working on borrowed time at this point.

 

It's kinda funny really, how I've been able to give advice and help people in their time of need. I've helped a lot in my lifetime, I've done my share of saving those from the razor's edge, and for as long as I know that someone out there continues to suffer from situations worse than me then so help me I will want to help, but by god even the helpers need help sometimes...

 

I don't want to deviate from my dreams. I don't want to fall. I don't want to give up, I didn't want to post this because of the notion that I'm a guy, therefore I must be strong and independent. I hate to complain, I hate to show signs of weakness... but... I don't know. I just don't know anymore.

 

One more year... funny how I've echoed that to my self so many times... just... one... more... year.

 

Dear god... please help me. I don't think I can stand anymore. Just something... anything to tell me everything will be ok, just some semblance of comfort from this harsh, cold world of reality.

 

 

 

As of August 25, 11:57 pm with the collective efforts of everyone here and direct intervention from Tigerruss, I have been pulled back from the razor's edge once again. Another reminder added to the collection, another chance, another year... I guess it was stupid and selfish of me to do this and ask for help. If you think this should be deleted, then go ahead and report this.

 

Please forgive me. I'm so sorry for any pain I may have caused.

 

Let me go... Let me dream in eternal happiness, and never have to worry about waking up... ever again. 

That's why I love the night. In the dark, no one can see you cry. No one can see your scars, your wounds, your emotional suffering... But who really cares? In the end, we all die alone.

Javelin434

Edited August 28, 201312 yr by Javelin434

No.

Suicide is never the option.

It is never even on the table. It is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, and all it serves to accomplish is causing more pain. The people who love you in life, and believe me when I say that there will always be someone who loves you, don't want to see that happen. Your friends don't want to see that happen. No one on this planet actually wants to see that happen.

 

Don't do it. Just do not do it.

Topic restored, this is a serious thread from someone who seriously needs help. 

 

Suicide is never an option. Don't do it. You may not think it, but there are many people who care about you and would be heartbroken if you took your life. Trust me. 

I'm sorry for doing this, and I hope I don't affect anyone for the worst by doing this. If you are sensitive or in any way feeling sad, turn back now.

I... I'm scared of the fact that this may be my last and final post.I don't know how much longer I can hold out. It feels like I can barely manage to justify my existence for another hour, let alone for another day, week, year, up until the day I'm supposed to die a natural death. I don't know if I can continue to go on, with all the circumstances that I'm in.I graduated high school back in 2011. fast forward to today, and I'm still stuck in my local community college, trying to transfer outta there into a real institution of higher education (Primarily Texas A&M.) I have just realized that I still need to take some required courses for me to be eligible for consideration to transfer, which will have me ending up burning up another year. As if I wasn't already a disappointment, I have to end up staying at home for another year before I can get out into a real college, and that's IF I'm lucky and nothing bad pops up. But I know with my luck, this will be impossible. I'm sick of the red tape, I'm sick of struggling with trying to keep my sorry a55 in school, I'm sick of fighting reality telling me that I will amount to nothing, I'm sick of seeing my friends happily staying on track to earning their degrees while I struggle to join them, I'm sick of this game that we all know as life. My little brother will be graduating soon, and I sure as hell don't want to be around to witness the moment. I want to be out there, earning my bachelor's in Biology or off in the military as an officer, not stuck at home still struggling to be admitted into the university of my dreams. I don't want to be left behind, but it's a reality I must now face. My biggest fear, my worst nightmare has become a stark reality, and I don't know if I should continue. I'm sick of being a disappointment to my parents, and maybe it's best if I just end it all so they wouldn't be burdened with seeing me ever again.I had planned for this. In the event I fail so catastrophically, so much so to the point that I have reached the state where I am now, I had planned to just enlist with the military right now. Give me a purpose, give me a sense of being worthy of living for another day, a reason to wake up and look forward to a new day (and hell, spam the 'post a pic of yourself' thread of my mini Kairi figures with me in my uniform... maybe have my drill sergeant involved somehow). But my parents... they've decided to give me another chance to redeem myself. I've let them down already, and I don't know if I'll disappoint them again. I wanted to make them happy, and my life goals coincide with all this. But I know they're tired of waiting, and joining now will bring them the smile that I yearn to see again...I know I'm smarter than this, I know I have a worthy future. I wanted to become a doctor, join the military as an officer, travel places and help those in need simply because of the goodness in my heart...... return to my hometown, shake the hand of that one homeless person who I kept passing by when I was little and tell him that his suffering is over, that I will shoulder his burden so he can start anew. It's the whole reason why I'm so hell bent on becoming a doctor. Where other doctors worry about which BMW to choose, I want to be out there, to be someone's angel, their answer to their secret prayer that they have all but given up on. But it's as if I'm being punished for thinking so. If I get some semblance of a happy ending at this point of my life, at best I'll be able to witness my friends graduating while I still have a couple of years to go. But I don't want to watch them, I want to walk alongside them...Hell... all three of my friends have noticed that I rarely smile now, and where others are laughing until their sides hurt, I stand there, trying to remember how to laugh, how to smile, how to be happy. I've forgotten what it means to feel joy, to feel happiness. I haven't truly smiled for over seven years.Behind this profile, behind this electronic wall that we all take for granted, is a shattered and broken hearted kid. Lonely, sad, cold, and struggling to hammer out a future for himself.When I joined this site back in February 2013, that was a really dark time for me. I wasn't able to attend any spring semester classes because of administration and financial issues. I'm already behind as it is by not being able to get in from the get go, and now I'm behind a whole semester because of administrative red tape. I stumbled into this site a shattered and broken kid, just trying to cope with the harsh reality. I met some nice people here and I really am thankful, but it's just a bandaid over the wound. This place... has helped me cope for a while, but now the effects are quickly going away. Reality continues to berate me, hound me into a corner as I continue to fight for a spot in this world, as I try to continue fighting for a future but even for a person like me, well... I can only be strong for so long. I don't know if I'm giving up or if I've been fighting for so long, but I just. can't. take. it. anymore. I no longer have anything to justify my existence. I just want to fade away painlessly and peacefully. I feel like I just want to become nothing more than a bad memory for my family and brothers, a memory that deserves to be forgotten, erased from utter existence... But I know committing the final solution won't help, and Dawnstar2004 doesn't like the idea that the person who gave her the Riku doll no longer walks this planet...so I'm left to stand, ever more vulnerable, ever more tired, ever more yearning to just let go. I don't know if I want to continue anymore. I really want to be happy again. I really want to come to this forum happy and actually enjoy the games that we all enjoy. I really wanted to post a picture of me at the university of my dreams with my Kairi figure sitting on my shoulder and keyblade for everyone here to point and laugh at and for the memories, But... I don't think I can last any longer. I don't know if I'm running out of time, or working on borrowed time at this point.It's kinda funny really, how I've been able to give advice to people in their time of need. I've helped a lot of people in my lifetime, and I've done my share of saving those from the razor's edge, but by god even the helpers need help sometimes...I don't want to deviate from my dreams. I don't want to fall. I don't want to give up, I didn't want to post this because of the notion that I'm a guy, therefore I must be strong and independent... but... I don't know. I just don't know anymore.One more year... funny how I've echoed that to my self so many times... just... one... more... year.Dear god... please help me. I don't think I can stand anymore. Just a hug... someone to tell me everything will be ok, just some semblance of comfort from this harsh, cold world of reality.

Let me go... Let me dream in eternal happiness, and never have to worry about waking up... ever again. That's why I love the night. In the dark, no one can see you cry. No one can see your scars, your wounds, your emotional suffering... But who really cares? In the end, we all die alone. Javelin434

I get where your at, brother. But in truth, if your strong enough to keep pushing to now, there is nothing you can't defeat. I, as a child, faced a very severe case of Spinal Meningitis, which as a result nearly killed me, caused extreme hallucinations, and pushed my will to live to its limit, and I thought I was a strong guy. Javelin, lemme tell ya... For a long time, I had issues like that, save for getting into my dream college. I had to live up to my family's expectations, which.often I couldn't even meet, let alone surpass like they wanted. I was compaired to my genius niece and sister's when stuff like this happened. I understand your pain, bro. But suacide is a waste of such strength. You can push through what the world wants you to be. Are you gonna give in to a world that you've already denied? Give up in years of work? Waste all the effort and skill you have on killing yourself? That ain't what I thought you would do. I thought you'd be a strong person, in mind, body, and spirit, as well as never give up. You love Kairi, right? Well, you've got a Kairi waiting for you to find her, and if you're not here for her, that may just be another great person feeling like they need to go as well. As for your comment about how your a guy and were suppose to be strong, well, everyone is strong, it just depends on who's willing to be and who just sit there and let their strength go to waste. You've got the power, Javelin, it all depends on if you can let it loose.

I need to say that I've been in much of the same position in life as you find yourself now, and that I understand what you're feeling. What you need to understand, though, is that this rough patch is only that: a rough patch. It takes a while to get over it, but you can, and you will. There's still a whole lot of life left for you to live, and I know you will make it a life worth living.

 

Don't give up on yourself. 

Javelin I think that instead of looking at whatever you think is wrong in your current situation you should look at what you HAVE . So what if you need a few more classes to get where you need to be . So what if you are behind schedule . AT LEAST YOU ARE ON A PATH TO YOUR GOAL HOWEVER LONG IT MAY TAKE. I lost my dream of being a AF fighter pilot bc i have crohns and am pretty sick . I will NEVER get to live my dream, and there's not a damn thing I can ever do to change it . I wake up every morning and go through tremendous physical pain just eating and know that I will go through the same tomorrow and the next day and the next day.. You know what,? I'm still living life and appreciating what I do have .But YOU get to work on accomplishing your dream even if you are behind schedule .So what if you have obstacles - that's life . If you think that everyone else doesn't have obstacles and problems , you are wrong!. We all do . But we persevere. Take the classes you need and push forward with your chin up and your goals in mind. Focus straight ahead and quit putting so much damn pressure on yourself to be perfect and realize that people ( especially your family and friends who you fear you disappoint) will respect your hard work and dedication getting to your goal more than they will ever worry about how long it took you to get there .Being behind a schedule you created for yourself isn't a problem worth killing yourself over or even one worth sweating over when you realize that everyone else goes through obstacles and problems too. You just have to learn to be a fighter and make those obstacles obsolete with hard work ,will power, and dedication .Your problems are just temporary and are nothing that cannot be remedied .Be grateful that you can still accomplish your dreams- that it's still possible . Even if it takes you a little more time than you planned .AT LEAST YOU CAN . Now it's up to you my friend.

Just so you know, i didn't read the spoiler, cuz it'd hurt me too much.

 

I DON'T WANT ANOTHER CLOSE FRIEND OF MINE COMMITING SUICIDE. IT HURT ME FAR TOO MUCH WHEN MEWSKITTY DID IT, PLEASE, JUST FIND A NEW DREAM OR SOMETHING, STOP MAKING US ALL SUFFER.

 

T______T

 

Besides; i'm sick of beating up my riku doll over all this...i just wanna hug him and shower him in love, like i always used to do......

 

http://www.suicidehotlines.com/

I promised i wouldn't get involved anymore. But you should check out that site. And I should just stay COMPLETELY out of this now, cuz, its all bringing back horrable memories of MewSkitty and the YEARS of insanity and beating up loved ones over his CHOSEN death and I don't wanna get angry at my doll and wanna throw him out over any of this. As of this text, i'm feeling insane and helpless right now.....

 

 

i've gotta leave this thread...and let my medications calm me so i can forget everything i'm seeing....

 

just please check out that url. And no 'dream' is worth causing this much heartache to all your friends, javelin.....

 

Ever....

 

If you have to, just get hospitalized and drugged up or something if your dream means more to you than the people who care about you. >_<;;; because selfishness at that extent is clearly a sign of mental insanity, no matter WHAT you've been 'brought up' to believe.....

 

 

ALSO, IF JAVELIN DIES, I DON'T WANNA HEAR ABOUT IT FROM ANYONE. I'M ALREADY CONCIDERING TAKING MY OWN LIFE OVER ALL OF THIS. I DON'T NEED IT TO GET ANY WORSE!!!!! when will i see the doctor so i can be put on a new drug now....

 

 

I don't mean to sound selfish----i'm half insane, too. I'm just scared of being hospitalized yet, but, my re-action to ALL this is a SHEAR SIGN i shoulda been hospitalized long ago....way before any of this cr** could of ever got into my life.......

 

</////////////////////3

 

I hate humans.

Edited August 27, 201312 yr by ~DawnStar2004~

Dude, don't do this. It's not worth it. You can power through.

Don't let this get you down. You have every single ounce of support that I have, and many others as well. So, please don't take the worst way outta this, which is through suicide. Please?

Suicide is never the answer. Please don't do it, Javelin. Please. Everything will be okay as long as you be strong and keep going. Don't give in. You can do it.

Suicide doesn't mean you stop life from getting worse. It means you prevent it from ever getting better. You are stronger than that and everybody here supports you. The road to success is full of many failures before you reach your goal, and I know you can accomplish it.

You can still become a doctor or a general, if you set your mind to it. You have an amazing purpose for your life. Just think about what you wrote, you want to become a doctor and help people for free. That is incredibly generous and people appreciate that! People need you, rely on you, love you, respect you, and will help you. I hope you make it through this ok. Stay strong. Please don't give up.

I am going to tell you bits from my story and what I think about suicide. But since I am not being at all sensitive in this post, since it is hard to be when sharing one's heart. I am going to put it in spoilers.

 

I've seen setbacks, but since I never had a tangible dream I chose not to mind them. Even though my life was put on standstill for a few years after my older sister died. Lots of my time was spent trying to pick the pieces up in a family unstable due to grief. Mix that in with a waking dream that was infecting my mind. (think of thoughts that don't feel like yours appearing in your head, the feeling of stuff touching you, and this fuzzy vision extra vision that looked like it was looking through a black lens) As time went on I drifted away from myself, while trying to pull myself together, but what's worse was that the waking dream constantly tries to break me.

 

At one point the dream, for lack of a better term, decided it would be cruel and flood me with things constantly attacking my mind. Things constantly trying to hurt me, and saying "why don't you just kill yourself?" All of this when my life was seemingly going nowhere, basically a standstill, and I had no real goals to live for. But I chose to go on, because of what I think about suicide.

 

To me suicide is akin to giving a speech about something, anything, and then stopping midway through and saying "All I said were lies." Everyone who was getting touched by the speech now has this disheartening feeling, they don't know what to think anymore, if they should believe any of it or not even though they want to. It makes the entire speech up until that point neigh meaningless, when even if the speech was mediocre it would have much more meaning if spoken until its end. Similarly, it is like running a marathon and quitting part of the way through, all the work one invested into the marathon has gone to waste. At least if one chose to finish one would have accomplished something. The point is to me suicide doesn't really mean to quit, or give up, to me it means to render all one ever stood for meaningless.

 

Though does that mean I never think about it anymore, does it mean life doesn't try to break me anymore? No way. My dream thing even tried to destroy my mind, by having only one character I cared about in it. And constantly depicting it as if I was in a time loop having to reliving my entire life over and over and over again trying to find a way to not have to kill them... That was one of the constant struggles of the dream, trying to find another way, and when I felt like I found another way. Like I changed things enough that maybe things would be okay. The dream killed the character off. Completely unceremoniously, and there was nothing I could do about it. That nearly destroyed my mind. (and no it was established in the dream that it was the final run of the loop, so...) But I went on, broken, wandering through life being a mere shadow of myself. And no one really noticed... Though after all of that I met someone who stopped me from thinking about the dream, let me finally choose to let go of it, finally move on. Yet I haven't had a chance to thank that someone. But it feels good to be myself again, to have joy of just living life walking around with a smile, seeing the world. I want to become the best I can, I want to grow I want to dream.  But I don't have a dream. I have finally chose I wanted to live in this world to find my place and yet I don't have a dream for this world.You have a dream, not just any dream but a wonderful dream, please don't throw it all away