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Never in this year has there been a more tragic string of deaths. Gonna be honest with you, I thought we’d be able to get off scot free by today, but unfortunately this passing morning decided to take one more life from us.


“Give me a minute,” international pop sensation Rick Astley said, passing by his group of bodyguards onto enter the nearby hotel lobby restroom, hoping to relieve himself before taking off on the next wild adventure of his stupendous life, but unfortunately, that was not the case. You might asking now what happened to him, and according to the reports, he was assassinated on the toilet by a jaded individual who had been internet trolled one too many times, and where is he now? Up there with God, Jesus, and all the other holy icons of the world.


Never in a million years have I witnessed such a travesty, even for a string of unfair passings-aways like this year has produced. Gonna be honest again, this year has let me down, and it’s not just me either. Let down are the masses and masses of fans that Mr. Astley has gained both ironically and unironically (but mostly ironically) throughout the years.


“You are just exaggerating,” you might say, but no! Down with your unabashed ignorance! Never has there been such a unique and capitalizing talent among the pop world as this man! Gonna just shit on his legacy like that, oh-ho, not today, mister.


Run all your collective mouths as much as you want, but this man will be missed by not just his family, not just by his friends, but the millions upon millions of fans he has gained in his lifetime. Around the world, people have been singing his classic song in unison, the fake synthetic drums bursting through every street corner and shopping mall radio, people doing their best to mimic his iconic swaying and jiving from the music video, all done in tribute to one of the most memorable and influential names in pop.


And as for 2016 for taking his man’s life along with all the others, I have the same feelings for you as everybody else: you make me sick. Desert you, I will, and so will everybody else by the time the clock strikes 12 later tonight… or at least it will for me since I live in an area where midnight hasn’t happened yet and plenty of other people have experienced it already, but as for the rest of us, your time is almost up, pal!


You and your sins shall be cleansed, your follies forgotten and lost in the sands of time, and every single life you have taken will be laughing from their golden thrones in the world above as you squirm in agony at your impending demise…


… Now, read the first line of each of those sentences.








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