Its as the title says, I've had these thoughts brewing in my mind for a while now and decided its time I vent them....in style

I hope I didn't offend anybody - If I did, please accept my humble apologies

 

A soul whose hands was not graced with talent
A soul whose flesh was not cultured with beauty
A soul whose mind was plagued with turmoil
A soul whose life was unblessth with affection
By grace of Etro, may her gates be opened wide to greet this wandering soul
 
To cast aside the body and be born anew
Or to lose the heart and to be born renewed
Both in past have had been his wish
if twere only possible in a world so dim
 
Once an artist, now a blank canvas
Once a musician, now untuned
What was once a dream, now shattered fragments
each unable to recall what they were once before
May the Fayth pray for his release
 
20 years gone

twice hath he tried to return to the mother
First time fell when the rope did not hold
Second time thwarted when the blood failed to drain
Pray to the father in hopes that he may hear the pain
"On Thrice, O lord Wilt thou grant me a miracle?"
 
Wilt thou perform me a sending, a hymm of fayth
may this unsent soul traverse the open skies above
Like a bird free of chains and find peace forevermore as a memory
enshrined as a crystal at the edges of the Farplane
His anger relinquished, His sadness heard
His hatred satisfied, His despair dispersed
 
All in all, a doll was left in the end

of flesh and blood, and no drive to live

His memories fabricated, his flame extinguished
as each day flashes by, he only thinks to himself:
"My Liege, what now is my purpose on this barren barren earth"
 

 

I wanted to say how I felt about life in general, but I wanted to do it poetically ~

 

When you live in a world where unrealistic expectations are placed you (Especially by family), you try and try to satisfy only to fail at each time and be burned by harsh criticism. After heaps of years of failure, you start to think to yourself - 'Maybe I am a failure, a broken doll - the world would be better off without me". With no other friend nor kin at your aid in your hour of need, and no kind words to catch your felled spirit - you can only turn desperately to darkness and hope that it too engulfs what little light you hold in your chest, and grant you liberation from eternal suffering - in a world in which you have no place nor right to exist, personality and spirit is denied. What now can my life purpose be? What meaning is there waking up day after day? What is the point of meeting with other people? To me, I feel like I am not me, I'm a only the living image of what people want me to be - a doppelganger created from their expectation and as thus, they see only the husk - the mask and not the person behind it.

 

Life, hopes and dreams - where do they come from and where are they going? - Kefka Palazzo -

I want the answer, I don't care if its from a human, an animal or god.

I have never seen anyone vent poetically, that my friend is neat as hell o.o

Good job, I hope you feel better. Thanks for translating btw.

Well, if I'm interpreting this right, 

I'm so sorry about your family. Without knowing the details, that's really all I can say. D: Good luck there. 

So you're also questioning the meaning of life? Without making a Hitchhiker's Guide to the Universe reference, I can't answer this for you. It's different for everyone, and it's something you'll have to realize for yourself. I asked my dad the same question about a year ago, and he told me that the meaning of his life was to raise his kids to be the good guys and save the world. To me the meaning of life is to do the best you can and change the world. It really varies. Some people dedicate their lives to their families, mine to the world, some to strangers. It all matters who you are. 

Very nice poem!  (And loved Kefka's little quote you added to the end .)  I think the meaning of life is something we all question from time to time.  So don't worry; you're not alone there.  I'm very sorry to hear you're struggling right now.  I know this sounds cheesy, but when you're down, one of the greatest things to do is be positive.  Look at life positively, and imagine only positive outcomes.  The world is sometimes what you make it--yes, even when it's bad you can still make it a better place.  Having been severely depressed for the past three years, I've finally learned that attitude has a great lot to do with how the world around us is.  If you choose to look at things darkly or negatively, things will only magnify.  Perhaps you're not at that point yet and I'm misinterpreting your poem, but, if you're saying your life is worthless, try reevaluating and starting over with a positive, clean slate.  Can't hurt, hm?

 

As for the meaning of life...  It's a mystery that I think everyone's still trying to find, though some people think they've found it.  I've ofttimes hear people say they find their meaning in life through religion and serving God, whether it be changing religion or practicing the one they have.  Others say, as Think Pink mentioned, their purpose in life is taking care of their family, or being the best role in society they possibly can.  A role (or focus--think FFXIII. ) is definitely a great way to find self-satisfaction, though it's vastly complicated to find.

 

I don't think I answered any of your questions, really, but I hope this helped some!  I wish you all the best.

I have never seen anyone vent poetically, that my friend is neat as hell o.o

Thank you for your kind compliment, I tried to make each line abstract in some way

 

Good job, I hope you feel better. Thanks for translating btw.

Thank you ~

 

 

Well, if I'm interpreting this right,I'm so sorry about your family. Without knowing the details, that's really all I can say. D: Good luck there.So you're also questioning the meaning of life? Without making a Hitchhiker's Guide to the Universe reference, I can't answer this for you. It's different for everyone, and it's something you'll have to realize for yourself. I asked my dad the same question about a year ago, and he told me that the meaning of his life was to raise his kids to be the good guys and save the world. To me the meaning of life is to do the best you can and change the world. It really varies. Some people dedicate their lives to their families, mine to the world, some to strangers. It all matters who you are.

Thank you for your reply, if only they could understand what it means to 'do your best in life' rather than 'our wishes and expectations are absolute'As for dedicating my life to a cause and working out who I am, I have yet to find the answer to thosebut one thing is certain, what you said about 'changing the world', Its something I want to be able to on my own in my own way hopefully

 

 

Very nice poem! (And loved Kefka's little quote you added to the end .) I think the meaning of life is something we all question from time to time. So don't worry; you're not alone there. I'm very sorry to hear you're struggling right now. I know this sounds cheesy, but when you're down, one of the greatest things to do is be positive. Look at life positively, and imagine only positive outcomes. The world is sometimes what you make it--yes, even when it's bad you can still make it a better place. Having been severely depressed for the past three years, I've finally learned that attitude has a great lot to do with how the world around us is. If you choose to look at things darkly or negatively, things will only magnify. Perhaps you're not at that point yet and I'm misinterpreting your poem, but, if you're saying your life is worthless, try reevaluating and starting over with a positive, clean slate. Can't hurt, hm?As for the meaning of life... It's a mystery that I think everyone's still trying to find, though some people think they've found it. I've ofttimes hear people say they find their meaning in life through religion and serving God, whether it be changing religion or practicing the one they have. Others say, as Think Pink mentioned, their purpose in life is taking care of their family, or being the best role in society they possibly can. A role (or focus--think FFXIII. ) is definitely a great way to find self-satisfaction, though it's vastly complicated to find.I don't think I answered any of your questions, really, but I hope this helped some! I wish you all the best.

Thank youI just realised that writing stuff like this is like reaching out to others, so I hope you can please excuse my selfishnessThere are times I just fear that I am becoming someone I don't want to be, and yet I lack the power to change thatSo until I have the strength to change, It will be hard to start from a clean slateAnd about religion, I am a Buddhist - but I love reading and appreciating other religions :)When you put it that way ~ 'They' are like Fal'cie...and I guess I'm like a L'cie - tasked with an absolute focus which I cannot defyI live in a family where they have very deep-set traditional ideals (commonly known as the asian family syndrome), some traditional Asian families want their children to become involved in a financially abundant career (i.e. lawyer/medical practitioner) and will invest profusely to see it happen...So that would make Money the biggest culprit hereWith me, its no different, born into a family and expected to become a 'highly paid' doctor in the future from the grade 3. I am most gracious that they invested so much time and money in me, but everytime I apply to medical courses in Australia, I constantly keep getting rejected for various reasons. Its been going on for 5 years now - can you imagine the psychological effect it can have on a 16 year old? (At the time I was 16). I mean, I am to apply this year...but whats the point when I know the result will be the same. Why not just let go and choose another career pathway? Why don't they consider my strengths and weaknesses.I mean, having to give up time spent with friends, lunch and school holiday/vacation; channeling all the time into studying and doing work set to your from school, from tutor, from prep-courses - resulted in me sleeping midnight on most days back then. All because I wanted to impress and satisfy expectations. For the NSW ATAR, I scored more than 97 (I won't say what my score was...I lolled because my HSC english creative writing was a suicide story and that scored pretty well too)...and I still remember the first thing they said..."Worthless, How Disappointing". No word of 'congratulations' or 'welldone' - I was a failure, a defect with no warranty. And then they compare me to my cousins/relatives who scored better than me and harp on about my mistakes for the next few days.I mean at first, the idea of a doctor was awesome since my parents never talked about anything else. But when I started learning music on my own 7 years ago - I became 'catmaster0116' on youtube and then on KH13. Music became a way of release for me, I would be able to sit in front of a piano for hours and play without getting tired literally. before long I realised that I had a really strong passion for music and fell in love with composing.I wanted for myself to become a musician (Pianist/composer) and the idea was shot down and I was scolded...now its too late to start learning to be a musician anyway - I'm 21 now, so learning music from scratch isn't an option (I'm self taught by the way so my music knowledge is shallow and unorthodox) and who will cover my fees?. Yoko Shimomura, Koji Kondo, Sakuraba Motoi, Hans Zimmer, Nobuo Uematsu, Takeharu Ishimoto and John Williams are but a few of my heroes and idols.Everytime I sit down and attempt to bring up this subject of music as a career, I just get rebuffed, ridiculed and yelled at. I've talked to some people and they gave me suggestions but they have no idea how unreasonable asian parent arguments can be sometimes.In the end, being able to recite chemistry content, solve complex math problems all amounted to nothing - I just became a parrot which could regurgitate text book definitions. I had no unique personality...and yet I still failed. I realise now that in those young years - school did not prepare you for the world, it was the interactions you had with the other people - something I was robbed of and now I am a social recluse and music reject. I could care less for friends, relationships or even family.I finished my university course (a course I had to act like I enjoyed for 4 years....mind you the people I met there were awesome and were irreplaceable). I finished the course at end of 2012, I was to work 2013. I eventually cracked and exploded upon finding out I had to work in a career which I wasn't terribly excited about, I ended up deleting my facebook, youtube and just about everything that had which connected me to the outside world. Luckily DChiuch refused to delete my KH13 account even after I was being stubborn (laughs). Nowadays, I can't find the inspiration to compose musicIm 21 now, I still don't have a personality, and this year I'll be employed at a hospital (not as a doctor, but as a therapist). I know the staff at that hospital, they are all very wonderful and caring people, I can't help but think I'll fail them as well. I was once told by many of my educators as a student therapist that I lacked self esteem, was unhealthily overly introverted, severely lacked confidence and exhibited the overly submissive 'doormat' personality. Its easy for them to judge me like that, did they ever consider the factors which led to me being this way?I know for sure If I ever have children in future, I will connect with them properly and make them feel like they are alive and happy - I would never force and suffocate them with my ideals. We're all human, no matter how old/young, what nationality, what mental capacity we have - we are all distinct people with different aspirations and a voice which needs to be heard.Just because a father is a chef doesn't mean the child has to be a cook. I want people to know that the world is diverse, an accountant can have parents who are, lets say, engineers...etc. If everyone had to follow a certain career pattern then the world would be the most boring place to ever live on.Nowadays, Im just so tired of acting like I'm somebody else - I just want to be me.In terms of Kingdom Hearts, I really feel like a male version Xion, except I don't have a Roxas or Axel to spend my days with (Heck I even bought the genuine leather Organisation XIII coat and cosplayed as a male Xion) - so that means when I fade by the sunset, I'll do it alone .Thank you for listening to my overly re.tarded storyIm glad someone has heard me outYour faithful translator ~ Catmaster0116

Thank you for your kind compliment, I tried to make each line abstract in some way

 

Thank you ~

 

 

Thank you for your reply, if only they could understand what it means to 'do your best in life' rather than 'our wishes and expectations are absolute'As for dedicating my life to a cause and working out who I am, I have yet to find the answer to thosebut one thing is certain, what you said about 'changing the world', Its something I want to be able to on my own in my own way hopefully

 

 

Thank youI just realised that writing stuff like this is like reaching out to others, so I hope you can please excuse my selfishnessThere are times I just fear that I am becoming someone I don't want to be, and yet I lack the power to change thatSo until I have the strength to change, It will be hard to start from a clean slateAnd about religion, I am a Buddhist - but I love reading and appreciating other religions :)When you put it that way ~ 'They' are like Fal'cie...and I guess I'm like a L'cie - tasked with an absolute focus which I cannot defyI live in a family where they have very deep-set traditional ideals (commonly known as the asian family syndrome), some traditional Asian families want their children to become involved in a financially abundant career (i.e. lawyer/medical practitioner) and will invest profusely to see it happen...So that would make Money the biggest culprit hereWith me, its no different, born into a family and expected to become a 'highly paid' doctor in the future from the grade 3. I am most gracious that they invested so much time and money in me, but everytime I apply to medical courses in Australia, I constantly keep getting rejected for various reasons. Its been going on for 5 years now - can you imagine the psychological effect it can have on a 16 year old? (At the time I was 16). I mean, I am to apply this year...but whats the point when I know the result will be the same. Why not just let go and choose another career pathway? Why don't they consider my strengths and weaknesses.I mean, having to give up time spent with friends, lunch and school holiday/vacation; channeling all the time into studying and doing work set to your from school, from tutor, from prep-courses - resulted in me sleeping midnight on most days back then. All because I wanted to impress and satisfy expectations. For the NSW ATAR, I scored more than 97 (I won't say what my score was...I lolled because my HSC english creative writing was a suicide story and that scored pretty well too)...and I still remember the first thing they said..."Worthless, How Disappointing". No word of 'congratulations' or 'welldone' - I was a failure, a defect with no warranty. And then they compare me to my cousins/relatives who scored better than me and harp on about my mistakes for the next few days.I mean at first, the idea of a doctor was awesome since my parents never talked about anything else. But when I started learning music on my own 7 years ago - I became 'catmaster0116' on youtube and then on KH13. Music became a way of release for me, I would be able to sit in front of a piano for hours and play without getting tired literally. before long I realised that I had a really strong passion for music and fell in love with composing.I wanted for myself to become a musician (Pianist/composer) and the idea was shot down and I was scolded...now its too late to start learning to be a musician anyway - I'm 21 now, so learning music from scratch isn't an option (I'm self taught by the way so my music knowledge is shallow and unorthodox) and who will cover my fees?. Yoko Shimomura, Koji Kondo, Sakuraba Motoi, Hans Zimmer, Nobuo Uematsu, Takeharu Ishimoto and John Williams are but a few of my heroes and idols.Everytime I sit down and attempt to bring up this subject of music as a career, I just get rebuffed, ridiculed and yelled at. I've talked to some people and they gave me suggestions but they have no idea how unreasonable asian parent arguments can be sometimes.In the end, being able to recite chemistry content, solve complex math problems all amounted to nothing - I just became a parrot which could regurgitate text book definitions. I had no unique personality...and yet I still failed. I realise now that in those young years - school did not prepare you for the world, it was the interactions you had with the other people - something I was robbed of and now I am a social recluse and music reject. I could care less for friends, relationships or even family.I finished my university course (a course I had to act like I enjoyed for 4 years....mind you the people I met there were awesome and were irreplaceable). I finished the course at end of 2012, I was to work 2013. I eventually cracked and exploded upon finding out I had to work in a career which I wasn't terribly excited about, I ended up deleting my facebook, youtube and just about everything that had which connected me to the outside world. Luckily DChiuch refused to delete my KH13 account even after I was being stubborn (laughs). Nowadays, I can't find the inspiration to compose musicIm 21 now, I still don't have a personality, and this year I'll be employed at a hospital (not as a doctor, but as a therapist). I know the staff at that hospital, they are all very wonderful and caring people, I can't help but think I'll fail them as well. I was once told by many of my educators as a student therapist that I lacked self esteem, was unhealthily overly introverted, severely lacked confidence and exhibited the overly submissive 'doormat' personality. Its easy for them to judge me like that, did they ever consider the factors which led to me being this way?I know for sure If I ever have children in future, I will connect with them properly and make them feel like they are alive and happy - I would never force and suffocate them with my ideals. We're all human, no matter how old/young, what nationality, what mental capacity we have - we are all distinct people with different aspirations and a voice which needs to be heard.Just because a father is a chef doesn't mean the child has to be a cook. I want people to know that the world is diverse, an accountant can have parents who are, lets say, engineers...etc. If everyone had to follow a certain career pattern then the world would be the most boring place to ever live on.Nowadays, Im just so tired of acting like I'm somebody else - I just want to be me.In terms of Kingdom Hearts, I really feel like a male version Xion, except I don't have a Roxas or Axel to spend my days with (Heck I even bought the genuine leather Organisation XIII coat and cosplayed as a male Xion) - so that means when I fade by the sunset, I'll do it alone .Thank you for listening to my overly re.tarded storyIm glad someone has heard me outYour faithful translator ~ Catmaster0116

Wow that's a rough story D8 I hope things get better for you, and if you want someone to talk to I'm here for you

Thank you

I just realised that writing stuff like this is like reaching out to others, so I hope you can please excuse my selfishnessThere are times I just fear that I am becoming someone I don't want to be, and yet I lack the power to change thatSo until I have the strength to change, It will be hard to start from a clean slateAnd about religion, I am a Buddhist - but I love reading and appreciating other religions :)When you put it that way ~ 'They' are like Fal'cie...and I guess I'm like a L'cie - tasked with an absolute focus which I cannot defyI live in a family where they have very deep-set traditional ideals (commonly known as the asian family syndrome), some traditional Asian families want their children to become involved in a financially abundant career (i.e. lawyer/medical practitioner) and will invest profusely to see it happen...So that would make Money the biggest culprit hereWith me, its no different, born into a family and expected to become a 'highly paid' doctor in the future from the grade 3. I am most gracious that they invested so much time and money in me, but everytime I apply to medical courses in Australia, I constantly keep getting rejected for various reasons. Its been going on for 5 years now - can you imagine the psychological effect it can have on a 16 year old? (At the time I was 16). I mean, I am to apply this year...but whats the point when I know the result will be the same. Why not just let go and choose another career pathway? Why don't they consider my strengths and weaknesses.I mean, having to give up time spent with friends, lunch and school holiday/vacation; channeling all the time into studying and doing work set to your from school, from tutor, from prep-courses - resulted in me sleeping midnight on most days back then. All because I wanted to impress and satisfy expectations. For the NSW ATAR, I scored more than 97 (I won't say what my score was...I lolled because my HSC english creative writing was a suicide story and that scored pretty well too)...and I still remember the first thing they said..."Worthless, How Disappointing". No word of 'congratulations' or 'welldone' - I was a failure, a defect with no warranty. And then they compare me to my cousins/relatives who scored better than me and harp on about my mistakes for the next few days.I mean at first, the idea of a doctor was awesome since my parents never talked about anything else. But when I started learning music on my own 7 years ago - I became 'catmaster0116' on youtube and then on KH13. Music became a way of release for me, I would be able to sit in front of a piano for hours and play without getting tired literally. before long I realised that I had a really strong passion for music and fell in love with composing.I wanted for myself to become a musician (Pianist/composer) and the idea was shot down and I was scolded...now its too late to start learning to be a musician anyway - I'm 21 now, so learning music from scratch isn't an option (I'm self taught by the way so my music knowledge is shallow and unorthodox) and who will cover my fees?. Yoko Shimomura, Koji Kondo, Sakuraba Motoi, Hans Zimmer, Nobuo Uematsu, Takeharu Ishimoto and John Williams are but a few of my heroes and idols.Everytime I sit down and attempt to bring up this subject of music as a career, I just get rebuffed, ridiculed and yelled at. I've talked to some people and they gave me suggestions but they have no idea how unreasonable asian parent arguments can be sometimes.In the end, being able to recite chemistry content, solve complex math problems all amounted to nothing - I just became a parrot which could regurgitate text book definitions. I had no unique personality...and yet I still failed. I realise now that in those young years - school did not prepare you for the world, it was the interactions you had with the other people - something I was robbed of and now I am a social recluse and music reject. I could care less for friends, relationships or even family.I finished my university course (a course I had to act like I enjoyed for 4 years....mind you the people I met there were awesome and were irreplaceable). I finished the course at end of 2012, I was to work 2013. I eventually cracked and exploded upon finding out I had to work in a career which I wasn't terribly excited about, I ended up deleting my facebook, youtube and just about everything that had which connected me to the outside world. Luckily DChiuch refused to delete my KH13 account even after I was being stubborn (laughs). Nowadays, I can't find the inspiration to compose musicIm 21 now, I still don't have a personality, and this year I'll be employed at a hospital (not as a doctor, but as a therapist). I know the staff at that hospital, they are all very wonderful and caring people, I can't help but think I'll fail them as well. I was once told by many of my educators as a student therapist that I lacked self esteem, was unhealthily overly introverted, severely lacked confidence and exhibited the overly submissive 'doormat' personality. Its easy for them to judge me like that, did they ever consider the factors which led to me being this way?I know for sure If I ever have children in future, I will connect with them properly and make them feel like they are alive and happy - I would never force and suffocate them with my ideals. We're all human, no matter how old/young, what nationality, what mental capacity we have - we are all distinct people with different aspirations and a voice which needs to be heard.Just because a father is a chef doesn't mean the child has to be a cook. I want people to know that the world is diverse, an accountant can have parents who are, lets say, engineers...etc. If everyone had to follow a certain career pattern then the world would be the most boring place to ever live on.Nowadays, Im just so tired of acting like I'm somebody else - I just want to be me.In terms of Kingdom Hearts, I really feel like a male version Xion, except I don't have a Roxas or Axel to spend my days with (Heck I even bought the genuine leather Organisation XIII coat and cosplayed as a male Xion) - so that means when I fade by the sunset, I'll do it alone .Thank you for listening to my overly re.tarded storyIm glad someone has heard me outYour faithful translator ~ Catmaster0116

Don't worry, you're not being selfish.  You're just having a hard time right now and needed to let it out.  I'm glad that you chose to talk with us instead of keeping it all inside.  Bottling things up just make it worse.  It sounds to me that your real problem is not being able to take hold of your own life and lead it where you'd like, but instead are living to please parents with a career you a) can't get into and b ) aren't interested in.  I know it's hard, but there's a point where you have to say, "I'm living for me, not anyone else" and do what you feel is right.  I do understand what you mean about parents from Asia; they aren't like those from the West (i.e. Americans).  I mean, I've switched my mind between three different careers in three years, and my mom's been nothing but supportive of my decisions.  This isn't everyone, and I've seen other cultures (India and Pakistan mostly) greatly control their children.  They decide from a young age that they want their kid to be an engineer or doctor, and that's exactly what they make them do!  The poor kid has no choice, regardless of whether they want to be a doctor or not.  I'm very sorry to hear you have parents like that, and I wish you all the best in finding a happy medium of pleasing them and also getting what you want.  In the end, however, you have to live for you.  If being a doctor isn't the way you want to go, then you might have to consider changing it.  Even if it makes them unhappy.  I know, it's not as easy as all that, but in the end it's basically a decision you have to make.

 

I'm not sure what kind of profession you could get into with music, but, if you enjoy it that much, you should at least adapt it as a hobby!  Look into it more, explore it, see if you can get involved in a musical group or something.  I'm also 21, and I can tell you one thing: it's never too late to do something.  Really.  Well, maybe if your body is no longer physically able, but I don't think that's the case with you and your music.  Go out there and do something!  Make a change!  And just remember that things can always get better, even if they don't seem like they could.  

Thank you for your kind compliment, I tried to make each line abstract in some way

 

Thank you ~

 

 

Thank you for your reply, if only they could understand what it means to 'do your best in life' rather than 'our wishes and expectations are absolute'As for dedicating my life to a cause and working out who I am, I have yet to find the answer to thosebut one thing is certain, what you said about 'changing the world', Its something I want to be able to on my own in my own way hopefully

 

 

Thank youI just realised that writing stuff like this is like reaching out to others, so I hope you can please excuse my selfishnessThere are times I just fear that I am becoming someone I don't want to be, and yet I lack the power to change thatSo until I have the strength to change, It will be hard to start from a clean slateAnd about religion, I am a Buddhist - but I love reading and appreciating other religions :)When you put it that way ~ 'They' are like Fal'cie...and I guess I'm like a L'cie - tasked with an absolute focus which I cannot defyI live in a family where they have very deep-set traditional ideals (commonly known as the asian family syndrome), some traditional Asian families want their children to become involved in a financially abundant career (i.e. lawyer/medical practitioner) and will invest profusely to see it happen...So that would make Money the biggest culprit hereWith me, its no different, born into a family and expected to become a 'highly paid' doctor in the future from the grade 3. I am most gracious that they invested so much time and money in me, but everytime I apply to medical courses in Australia, I constantly keep getting rejected for various reasons. Its been going on for 5 years now - can you imagine the psychological effect it can have on a 16 year old? (At the time I was 16). I mean, I am to apply this year...but whats the point when I know the result will be the same. Why not just let go and choose another career pathway? Why don't they consider my strengths and weaknesses.I mean, having to give up time spent with friends, lunch and school holiday/vacation; channeling all the time into studying and doing work set to your from school, from tutor, from prep-courses - resulted in me sleeping midnight on most days back then. All because I wanted to impress and satisfy expectations. For the NSW ATAR, I scored more than 97 (I won't say what my score was...I lolled because my HSC english creative writing was a suicide story and that scored pretty well too)...and I still remember the first thing they said..."Worthless, How Disappointing". No word of 'congratulations' or 'welldone' - I was a failure, a defect with no warranty. And then they compare me to my cousins/relatives who scored better than me and harp on about my mistakes for the next few days.I mean at first, the idea of a doctor was awesome since my parents never talked about anything else. But when I started learning music on my own 7 years ago - I became 'catmaster0116' on youtube and then on KH13. Music became a way of release for me, I would be able to sit in front of a piano for hours and play without getting tired literally. before long I realised that I had a really strong passion for music and fell in love with composing.I wanted for myself to become a musician (Pianist/composer) and the idea was shot down and I was scolded...now its too late to start learning to be a musician anyway - I'm 21 now, so learning music from scratch isn't an option (I'm self taught by the way so my music knowledge is shallow and unorthodox) and who will cover my fees?. Yoko Shimomura, Koji Kondo, Sakuraba Motoi, Hans Zimmer, Nobuo Uematsu, Takeharu Ishimoto and John Williams are but a few of my heroes and idols.Everytime I sit down and attempt to bring up this subject of music as a career, I just get rebuffed, ridiculed and yelled at. I've talked to some people and they gave me suggestions but they have no idea how unreasonable asian parent arguments can be sometimes.In the end, being able to recite chemistry content, solve complex math problems all amounted to nothing - I just became a parrot which could regurgitate text book definitions. I had no unique personality...and yet I still failed. I realise now that in those young years - school did not prepare you for the world, it was the interactions you had with the other people - something I was robbed of and now I am a social recluse and music reject. I could care less for friends, relationships or even family.I finished my university course (a course I had to act like I enjoyed for 4 years....mind you the people I met there were awesome and were irreplaceable). I finished the course at end of 2012, I was to work 2013. I eventually cracked and exploded upon finding out I had to work in a career which I wasn't terribly excited about, I ended up deleting my facebook, youtube and just about everything that had which connected me to the outside world. Luckily DChiuch refused to delete my KH13 account even after I was being stubborn (laughs). Nowadays, I can't find the inspiration to compose musicIm 21 now, I still don't have a personality, and this year I'll be employed at a hospital (not as a doctor, but as a therapist). I know the staff at that hospital, they are all very wonderful and caring people, I can't help but think I'll fail them as well. I was once told by many of my educators as a student therapist that I lacked self esteem, was unhealthily overly introverted, severely lacked confidence and exhibited the overly submissive 'doormat' personality. Its easy for them to judge me like that, did they ever consider the factors which led to me being this way?I know for sure If I ever have children in future, I will connect with them properly and make them feel like they are alive and happy - I would never force and suffocate them with my ideals. We're all human, no matter how old/young, what nationality, what mental capacity we have - we are all distinct people with different aspirations and a voice which needs to be heard.Just because a father is a chef doesn't mean the child has to be a cook. I want people to know that the world is diverse, an accountant can have parents who are, lets say, engineers...etc. If everyone had to follow a certain career pattern then the world would be the most boring place to ever live on.Nowadays, Im just so tired of acting like I'm somebody else - I just want to be me.In terms of Kingdom Hearts, I really feel like a male version Xion, except I don't have a Roxas or Axel to spend my days with (Heck I even bought the genuine leather Organisation XIII coat and cosplayed as a male Xion) - so that means when I fade by the sunset, I'll do it alone .Thank you for listening to my overly re.tarded storyIm glad someone has heard me outYour faithful translator ~ Catmaster0116

omg. That's just terrible. ;n;

You really should get to be what you want to be imo. I hope everything gets better for you.  

Best of luck with everything.

Also, I've never seen someone vent in a poem before. Pretty nice work.