Well, first I'd like to say that I've been mulling making a thread about this for sometime now, and it actually took me two days to write this. It came out to be pretty long for a post, and I'm worried that some people will simply be put off by it. So, I'm going to put a good chunk of it in spoiler tags, as it is not necessarily vital. If anyone cares to read the entire post, it would be much appreciated, but you'll get the point with just the part I leave out of the spoiler tags.
Oh, and before we begin, I'm not going to use the real name of the girl I'm talking about, so let's call her "Anne" for the sake of this thread.
The entire first year I knew Anne ("knew" being used to simply describe having knowledge of her existence and seeing her nearly every day in English class) I didn't really think anything of her. I just knew her as the smart girl who talks a lot in English. Not talk a lot as in talk to friends and annoy the living daylights out of everyone else, talk a lot as in participate in class discussion with enthusiasm (and always sounding like she knew exactly what the heck she was talking about). I never thought of her as attractive. I guess the first time I really thought of her in any deep way was the award ceremony that year. In the already mentioned English class, she won the award for most outstanding performance. Now, all my life my teachers have been telling me that I'm an excellent writer, so naturally I was more than a bit vain and big-headed. Me, being the sorry soul that I was, believed that I had deserved that award. And, being a bratty freshman whose entire sense of self worth weighed on being better than everyone else at school and having the certificates to show it, I began to see her as a rival.
Thus, upon beginning sophomore year, that was how I saw her. She was my rival, and my one true goal was to beat her. Sure, it was a completely one sided rivalry, but it drove me none the less. Oddly enough, this was also the year in which my current predicament first began to set root. You see, this girl who had previously only been in my English class, was now also in my social studies class and my algebra class (and possibly another one as well, though I don't remember). So, my day to day interaction with her (by "interaction", I mean being in the same room as her) was tripled. Especially in the social studies class (which was Government and Economics), I began to learn more about her. And I began to realize we actually had a bit in common. Obviously, these new-found similarities between us made me warm up to her.
Now, that may hardly seem like grounds for the conflict I'm having, but two events that year would be the "wham" episodes.
So, the first of the two wham events was the assignment of a group project in Economics class. The "build your own business project". I, being the mute loser I was, simply sat there and looked around with what I imagine was my best attempt at the puppy dog eyes. You likely see where this is heading. Yup, I ended up in a group with the Anne (she actually invited me to join her group). Skipping all the boring details of the project, we had to make a commercial for our product. Which meant getting together at someone's house and filming it. It was decided that we'd film it at Anne's house At first, being scared as I was of social interaction, I was pretty anxious about going. The long and short of it all is that I had an absolutely amazing time. In perspective, that was the first time I had "hung out" with kids my age in such a manner in more than half a decade. Having gone for so long without friends, the way they all treated me really affected me. I realized that I really had been missing out for the past six or so years. Though it isn't part of this story, I feel that I should mention that the next whammy occurs after the school year ends, and thus I should inform you that I did indeed win the English award sophomore year... I was a co-recipient with Anne (rivalry thus ended).
That summer, my school was taking a group of students on a ten day trip in Europe. Anne and I both went on that trip. Going on that trip was the single most wonderful, defining, and life changing decision I ever made. I learned a lot about Anne and all the others I was with, became friends with a few of them (Anne included), and most surprisingly, broke out of my shell that I had been hiding in for nearly five years. I simply cannot do this experience justice with words without writing a few more paragraphs, so I'm going to just leave it at this.
Now I'll simply skip to the present in my junior (third) year. Before moving on I'd like to say that this year has been a big change for me. I've become much more sociable (thanks to my experience on that trip), and I actually have friends and conversations now.
I've noticed for some time now that I look forward to talking with her more than any of my other friends. In addition, I see her far more often, now sharing Theater, Chemistry, English, Lunch, Math, and Creative Writing with her. I sit next to her in Theater, Chemistry, and Math (and Creative Writing when we're in the computer lab), and at the same table at lunch. I talk to her a lot, especially in Theater, as I essentially have her all to myself (she doesn't have many other good friends in that class, and the few that are sit far away from us). In fact, talking to her is the highlight of my day. I look forward to it. I'm sorely disappointed when I don't get to talk to her for an amount I deem satisfactory. When she's late to class, or leaves early, or anything like that, I'm actually sad that I don't get to see her for the normal amount of time. And no matter how much I get to talk to her, I'm always left wanting more at the end of the day.
By simply being in the same room as I am she makes me feel... something. I can't explain it. All I know is that I'm happy when I'm around her, and that I adore to hear her laugh, and that whenever she seems sad or upset I feel this enormous urge to comfort her, and that sometimes I wish I could give her a big hug just because, and that I wish every class that I sat next to her in would just go on for a little bit longer, and that I'm kind of sad when the weekend comes around because I won't see her for a while, and that I get gloomy when she starts talking about sports because it makes me remember that there are major differences between us, and that I find her to be absolutely adorable, and that I anytime I'm near her I wish I could just cuddle up with her, hold her hand, just feel her there with me.
My mind constantly wanders to her. When I'm bored, I wonder what she's doing. When I'm feeling depressed, I think about her. When I'm frustrated with myself for being so unsure of what I want to do in the future, I find solace in the knowledge that she has the same problem. I have great difficulty in imagining my future without her. As I've gotten to know her personality and mind, I've gradually come to find her physically attractive as well (when, initially, I never would have considered her as such - and her looks have not changed very much in the years I've known her). It is now to the point where, though I do find other girls good-looking, no one can compare to her.
Now, this is probably going to read like it is in complete conflict with some of what I just said, but it somehow just works this way. Though she is constantly on my mind, I am not incapable of turning my mind to focus on something else. I am able to clear my head of thoughts of her for periods of time. Not a day goes by where I don't think of her a few times, but she's not all I think about. And even though she likes a lot of things I don't, for some reason I only like her more because of it. I dislike sports and exercise, for example, but I know I'd find joy in them if I was with her. I don't like children, and never want any of my own, but she wants to be a mother one day. Sometimes, I find myself thinking that it would be worth having children with her (this is looking way into the future, I know, but I really can't help where my mind wanders), and that I'd gladly do the best I could if I was doing it with her. Essentially, she makes me want to be a better person (to be clear, she has never attempted to force me to change). It's not that I would change everything about myself for her (that's simply ridiculous to expect of anyone), it's that I would be willing to go out of my normal comfort zone for her.
I must apologize, but my thoughts have become very disorganized. I also feel the need to add that, because of my friendship with her, I went to the homecoming dance (in a small group that included her, she invited me to come, but no, not as her date), I went to a few of her basketball games, I went to the "powderpuff football" game because she was playing in it, and I went to go see the Hobbit with her and a mutual friend. And if any of you remember that thread I made back in January where I was trying to come up with a birthday present for a friend, Anne was that friend.
As to why I actually made this thread for in the first place, I want to know what someone else, anyone else thinks. Is this really love? I know there are quite a few couples (some married) on this site, and if you happen to be a member of one of them, does anything I just wrote ring true for you? I know I'm fairly young, and people often don't take "love" between people at my age very seriously, but I've had crushes and "puppy-love" before, and what I feel now is radically different from how I felt in those instances, and these feelings have existed for far longer than those ones did. I just cannot deal with the uncertainty of "is this for real?" anymore.
So yeah, thanks to anyone who has anything to say, and for at least reading part of the post (special thanks to anyone who actually takes the time to read the whole thing).
Well, first I'd like to say that I've been mulling making a thread about this for sometime now, and it actually took me two days to write this. It came out to be pretty long for a post, and I'm worried that some people will simply be put off by it. So, I'm going to put a good chunk of it in spoiler tags, as it is not necessarily vital. If anyone cares to read the entire post, it would be much appreciated, but you'll get the point with just the part I leave out of the spoiler tags.
Oh, and before we begin, I'm not going to use the real name of the girl I'm talking about, so let's call her "Anne" for the sake of this thread.
The entire first year I knew Anne ("knew" being used to simply describe having knowledge of her existence and seeing her nearly every day in English class) I didn't really think anything of her. I just knew her as the smart girl who talks a lot in English. Not talk a lot as in talk to friends and annoy the living daylights out of everyone else, talk a lot as in participate in class discussion with enthusiasm (and always sounding like she knew exactly what the heck she was talking about). I never thought of her as attractive. I guess the first time I really thought of her in any deep way was the award ceremony that year. In the already mentioned English class, she won the award for most outstanding performance. Now, all my life my teachers have been telling me that I'm an excellent writer, so naturally I was more than a bit vain and big-headed. Me, being the sorry soul that I was, believed that I had deserved that award. And, being a bratty freshman whose entire sense of self worth weighed on being better than everyone else at school and having the certificates to show it, I began to see her as a rival.
Thus, upon beginning sophomore year, that was how I saw her. She was my rival, and my one true goal was to beat her. Sure, it was a completely one sided rivalry, but it drove me none the less. Oddly enough, this was also the year in which my current predicament first began to set root. You see, this girl who had previously only been in my English class, was now also in my social studies class and my algebra class (and possibly another one as well, though I don't remember). So, my day to day interaction with her (by "interaction", I mean being in the same room as her) was tripled. Especially in the social studies class (which was Government and Economics), I began to learn more about her. And I began to realize we actually had a bit in common. Obviously, these new-found similarities between us made me warm up to her.
Now, that may hardly seem like grounds for the conflict I'm having, but two events that year would be the "wham" episodes.
So, the first of the two wham events was the assignment of a group project in Economics class. The "build your own business project". I, being the mute loser I was, simply sat there and looked around with what I imagine was my best attempt at the puppy dog eyes. You likely see where this is heading. Yup, I ended up in a group with the Anne (she actually invited me to join her group). Skipping all the boring details of the project, we had to make a commercial for our product. Which meant getting together at someone's house and filming it. It was decided that we'd film it at Anne's house At first, being scared as I was of social interaction, I was pretty anxious about going. The long and short of it all is that I had an absolutely amazing time. In perspective, that was the first time I had "hung out" with kids my age in such a manner in more than half a decade. Having gone for so long without friends, the way they all treated me really affected me. I realized that I really had been missing out for the past six or so years. Though it isn't part of this story, I feel that I should mention that the next whammy occurs after the school year ends, and thus I should inform you that I did indeed win the English award sophomore year... I was a co-recipient with Anne (rivalry thus ended).
That summer, my school was taking a group of students on a ten day trip in Europe. Anne and I both went on that trip. Going on that trip was the single most wonderful, defining, and life changing decision I ever made. I learned a lot about Anne and all the others I was with, became friends with a few of them (Anne included), and most surprisingly, broke out of my shell that I had been hiding in for nearly five years. I simply cannot do this experience justice with words without writing a few more paragraphs, so I'm going to just leave it at this.
Now I'll simply skip to the present in my junior (third) year. Before moving on I'd like to say that this year has been a big change for me. I've become much more sociable (thanks to my experience on that trip), and I actually have friends and conversations now.
I've noticed for some time now that I look forward to talking with her more than any of my other friends. In addition, I see her far more often, now sharing Theater, Chemistry, English, Lunch, Math, and Creative Writing with her. I sit next to her in Theater, Chemistry, and Math (and Creative Writing when we're in the computer lab), and at the same table at lunch. I talk to her a lot, especially in Theater, as I essentially have her all to myself (she doesn't have many other good friends in that class, and the few that are sit far away from us). In fact, talking to her is the highlight of my day. I look forward to it. I'm sorely disappointed when I don't get to talk to her for an amount I deem satisfactory. When she's late to class, or leaves early, or anything like that, I'm actually sad that I don't get to see her for the normal amount of time. And no matter how much I get to talk to her, I'm always left wanting more at the end of the day.
By simply being in the same room as I am she makes me feel... something. I can't explain it. All I know is that I'm happy when I'm around her, and that I adore to hear her laugh, and that whenever she seems sad or upset I feel this enormous urge to comfort her, and that sometimes I wish I could give her a big hug just because, and that I wish every class that I sat next to her in would just go on for a little bit longer, and that I'm kind of sad when the weekend comes around because I won't see her for a while, and that I get gloomy when she starts talking about sports because it makes me remember that there are major differences between us, and that I find her to be absolutely adorable, and that I anytime I'm near her I wish I could just cuddle up with her, hold her hand, just feel her there with me.
My mind constantly wanders to her. When I'm bored, I wonder what she's doing. When I'm feeling depressed, I think about her. When I'm frustrated with myself for being so unsure of what I want to do in the future, I find solace in the knowledge that she has the same problem. I have great difficulty in imagining my future without her. As I've gotten to know her personality and mind, I've gradually come to find her physically attractive as well (when, initially, I never would have considered her as such - and her looks have not changed very much in the years I've known her). It is now to the point where, though I do find other girls good-looking, no one can compare to her.
Now, this is probably going to read like it is in complete conflict with some of what I just said, but it somehow just works this way. Though she is constantly on my mind, I am not incapable of turning my mind to focus on something else. I am able to clear my head of thoughts of her for periods of time. Not a day goes by where I don't think of her a few times, but she's not all I think about. And even though she likes a lot of things I don't, for some reason I only like her more because of it. I dislike sports and exercise, for example, but I know I'd find joy in them if I was with her. I don't like children, and never want any of my own, but she wants to be a mother one day. Sometimes, I find myself thinking that it would be worth having children with her (this is looking way into the future, I know, but I really can't help where my mind wanders), and that I'd gladly do the best I could if I was doing it with her. Essentially, she makes me want to be a better person (to be clear, she has never attempted to force me to change). It's not that I would change everything about myself for her (that's simply ridiculous to expect of anyone), it's that I would be willing to go out of my normal comfort zone for her.
I must apologize, but my thoughts have become very disorganized. I also feel the need to add that, because of my friendship with her, I went to the homecoming dance (in a small group that included her, she invited me to come, but no, not as her date), I went to a few of her basketball games, I went to the "powderpuff football" game because she was playing in it, and I went to go see the Hobbit with her and a mutual friend. And if any of you remember that thread I made back in January where I was trying to come up with a birthday present for a friend, Anne was that friend.
As to why I actually made this thread for in the first place, I want to know what someone else, anyone else thinks. Is this really love? I know there are quite a few couples (some married) on this site, and if you happen to be a member of one of them, does anything I just wrote ring true for you? I know I'm fairly young, and people often don't take "love" between people at my age very seriously, but I've had crushes and "puppy-love" before, and what I feel now is radically different from how I felt in those instances, and these feelings have existed for far longer than those ones did. I just cannot deal with the uncertainty of "is this for real?" anymore.
So yeah, thanks to anyone who has anything to say, and for at least reading part of the post (special thanks to anyone who actually takes the time to read the whole thing).