"My math teacher staples Burger King applications to failed tests."
"I'm firetrucking your sister right now." "You motherfiretrucker." "She's next."
"So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward"
"im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test"
"First off: I'm drunk so firetruck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: firetruck 3 Doors Down"
"I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart"
"I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet" "I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building" "Tie"
"i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like firetruck YEAH TINY MANATEE"
"o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket"
"I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians."
"I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?"
"i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer."
"dude. I'm so drunk." "pete, this is bryce's mom" "I can't wait to have my cock in your ass" "pete, this is still bryce's mom"
"also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am."
"i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?"
"i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right"
"Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
"You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast."
"I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain."
"hows the party?" "ists fjcssing insceredle" "be there in 10"
"How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist"
"Did you just put 9lbs of birdseed on my car?" "You weighed it?"
"So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be"
These are the true winners I thought I'd share-
"My math teacher staples Burger King applications to failed tests."
"I'm firetrucking your sister right now." "You motherfiretrucker." "She's next."
"So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward"
"im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test"
"First off: I'm drunk so firetruck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: firetruck 3 Doors Down"
"I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart"
"I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet" "I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building" "Tie"
"i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like firetruck YEAH TINY MANATEE"
"o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket"
"I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians."
"I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?"
"i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer."
"dude. I'm so drunk." "pete, this is bryce's mom" "I can't wait to have my cock in your ass" "pete, this is still bryce's mom"
"also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am."
"i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?"
"i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right"
"Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
"You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast."
"I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain."
"hows the party?" "ists fjcssing insceredle" "be there in 10"
"How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist"
"Did you just put 9lbs of birdseed on my car?" "You weighed it?"
"So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be"