Everyone has idols, right? People they look up to. People they aspire to be. People they love and adore.

 

I've never really looked up to anyone before, mostly because I take no interest in politics (so politicians are out of the question), and you can never be sure if singers, actors, or some other celebrity is showing their true colors or not when out in public. I never looked up to one of the Harry Potter characters, or Luke Skywalker or anything like that.

 

I didn't have an idol until I watched Doctor Who.

 

September 2011, I started to watch Doctor Who, and I found someone to look up to; the Doctor. The charming, witty Time Lord that would just appear in peoples' lives and make them better. He was always there to save the day, and people never even knew he was there. He never stopped, never asked to be thanked. If someone met him, they'd remember him for the rest of their lives. He would take those who craved a change with him into the TARDIS and off on many adventures. Through those adventures his companions would change, and for the better.

 

I wanted to make that kind of impact in someone's life. I wanted to be the kind of friend that'd be there when times were rough, the shoulder to cry on. I wanted to make someone believe the potential they have in life. I wanted to be that dazzling Time Lord.

 

Mainly, that ego sunk into my personality on this site. And really that's the biggest mistake I've ever made.

 

The Doctor isn't someone to look up to.

 

The Doctor isn't someone I want to be.

 

The Doctor isn't a permanent addition to your little family. He comes in, stays for awhile, and leaves. And in the process of showing how brilliant his companions are, he ruins their lives someway or another.

 

And honestly, I firetruck up most of my friendships. Ever since I was around 10-years-old I've had anger issues. I'd get angry at the littlest things, and then take it out on my friends. It only grew worse over time. In 7th grade I almost ruined the friendship with my two best friends. We didn't talk to each other for a year before I apologized for lashing out. I almost ruined the friendship again three years later in my sophomore year of high school. I thought they were the ones being terrible friends, when really it was me. Here we are in our senior year and I apologized recently. We aren't the best friends we used to be. In fact, we only talk in school. I feel awkward whenever I address them by their name, because I feel like I shouldn't. I feel like they shouldn't have forgiven me, because who knows when I'll firetruck up the acquaintanceship we have now.

 

I firetrucked up other friendships. I called the one guy I ever really cared for in a more-than-a-friend-way a womanizer because I was jealous of how close he was to his other female friends. I apologized to him for the things I said, and he forgave me. He did the smart thing though and cut off connections with me, even when I tried to talk to him.

 

Then there was another friend who I could've helped, but my upraising got the best of me. We were so alike, her and I. We were born twelve hours and twelve months apart; shared the same birthday. We liked the same things, and acted the same. Whenever we agreed on something, we got along like long lost sisters. When we argued, we were two rams butting heads. She had some mental issues; she was diagnosed with bpd and bipolar disorder by her psychiatrist. The times she needed me, I didn't offer support. I told her to suck it up, to move on, because that's the mantra that was drilled into my head by my parents; don't worry about anyone else, worry about yourself. Suck it up, move on. We had a huge fight the day before my day to take the SAT's. The guilt eventually got to me throughout the year we didn't talk. I apologized, like I did with the others, and we're acquaintances.

 

I refuse to grow close to the friends I have now, because I know eventually my anger will get the best of me --and that in order to get close to them I have to step way out of my comfort zone. But despite all that I still wanted to be the Doctor. The glorious Doctor.

 

I think the thirst to be the Doctor is what influenced me greatly here on KH13. Comparing to how I was when I first became a mod, as to now, that caused me to change so much.

 

I let my emotions get the best of me. There are days when I hate being a mod because of it. Because I know what's going on. I know what people think of me, or at least have some sort of clue. I've broken down so many times because I get so overwhelmed. There are times when I'm arguing with someone and I have to call another mod in because I'm not in the right mind to handle it myself. My friends on this site tell me to ignore them. And I wish I could --oh how I wish I could-- but there's this constant nagging to know what people think. Yeah, where's that mantra my parents hypnotized me with now? Oh, don't worry about other people when they need you. Worry about them when they're talking about you behind your back. I'm selfish, that's all there is to it.

 

Like the Doctor, I've been told I have this god complex. The Doctor thinks he can save everyone. I believe I can shut people down when they're being absolutely ridiculous. I wanted to be feared. Despite that, some members still liked me. I thought that if people were able to overlook my sick joy of watching people squirm, I was pretty awesome.

 

And after today, and re-watching a bit of Doctor Who, I've come to realize how much I relate to this particular quote of Doctor Who:

 

I stole your childhood and now I've led you by the hand to your death. But the worst thing is I knew. I knew this would happen. This is what always happens. Forget your faith in me. I took you with me because I was vain. Because I wanted to be adored. Look at you, glorious Pond. The Girl Who Waited for me. I'm not a hero. I really am just a madman in a box.

I've stuck around on KH13 longer than I have any other side. I talk to little group of friends that I've made here everyday. But really, I don't talk to them much. I have a hard time keeping up in the conversations, and I suck with keeping conversations alive when it's only one or two people to talk to. I've been on other forums. I made a few friends on them. I left them eventually, and those ties were cut off. I've come to adore the friends I've made here, and I fear the thought of not being able to hold a conversation with them; mostly because I'm closer to them than my actual friends offline. Eventually, I'll have to leave KH13, because at the rate of how stressed out I get over it isn't good for my health. If I leave KH13, would I still have something to talk about to the friends I've made because of it? Will I be just like the Doctor and disappear from their lives after being in it for only a short amount of time? I came onto this forum knowing that I'll leave it eventually. I made friends knowing I'll leave them eventually. But now I'm scared to actually do that, when I know I can't stay forever.

 

And I am vain. I wanted people to like me, I wanted people to fear me, I wanted people to hate me. Trying to be the Doctor brought all of that, and I couldn't have been happier. Typing the words "Hello, I'm the Doctor. Basically... Run" gave me so much power, like you can't even imagine. I thought being on the same level as the Doctor was cool. It doesn't seem so cool anymore though. The Doctor who doesn’t let anyone close anymore -- even Amy -- and hides behind his childish exterior and 'bowties are cool' distractions. He knows the only one he will have left is the TARDIS. Amy and Rory are married and he’s already seen the death of River Song. The Doctor is definitely a madman with the only companion he has left -- his blue box. I'll eventually lose the friends I've made here, and my irl friends and I will drift apart. In the end I don't even know what I'll have, or what I'll be. A big mess maybe? I don't know.

 

Basically, trying to like the Doctor made a lot of my lesser qualities show themselves.

 

I'm a bitch.

 

I like to be feared.

 

I'm selfish.

 

I can't comfort my friends because I don't know how.

 

I lash out at innocent people.

 

I probably do have a god complex.

 

I probably don't even deserve to be a mod.

 

And I don't want people trying to comfort me saying that people can change, that I'm nothing like that, or some cheesy shit that your friends will never leave you. I only made this thread because it's been digging at me for a long time, and I needed to let out.

None of this makes you a bad person hell I used to be an asshole myself,(Trust I put the stuff you stated to shame) my only problem with you is as a mod it's your duty to look past what you want and act in the best interest of the site. When I was a kid my hero was Stone Cold Steve Austin he was a badass SOB who didn't trust anyone and flipped of everone who stood in front of him. When my dad passed away I also incoporated that character into my own personality and it was not pretty, in fact had I'd stayed that way I would have ended up in jail one day. Fact of the matter is I hurt people physically and mentally I was a bully of the worst kind, eventually I had to take a long look in the mirror and decide if that was the person I really wanted to be. It's up to you to decide how you treat others only you can change yourself none of us knows each others situations on this site unless we take the time to get to know them (That was one of the original purposes of the order) all we have to go on is how we treat on another on this site. If you treat people bad they will follow suit, I believe in second chances no matter what the situation. So I'm gonna give you the benifit of the doubt and wipe all previous perceptions of you from my mind and start over.Now is your chance to show us don't talk about it do it.

When you run with the Doctor, it feels like it'll never end. But however hard you try you can't run forever. But I do think that all the skies of all the worlds might just turn dark if he ever, for one moment, accepts it.

 

I'll be frank here, Ivan.

I've aways been annoyed by this who Doctor Who thing

But let's get to the point. I don't really think it was a bad thing at all, to be honest, because everyone has those bad sides.

 

Everyone's a bitch.

 

Everyone likes to be feared.

 

Everyone's selfish.

 

Most people can't comfort my friends because they don't know how to,

 

etc.

And you know, it does suck. And everyone drifts apart eventually.

But saying you'll end up with nothing is pushing it a little.

You gotta get in your head that you're NOT the Doctor and your life won't be exactly like his no matter what.

I have anger problems too, actually. I've learned to maintain calm in the last couple of years though. Friends might not last forever, but you will AWAYS have someone who loves you and sorry if this is being cheesy but it's as truthful as it gets. There is no freaking way a person will end up with no friends/loved ones so you won't end up alone, and I'm being honest here. Even if you lose friends you'll most likely make more later.

And even thought you told us not to say it, Dude, you can change your future as long as you're aware of it. And that's something I'm glad I realized.

Here's my opinion, you shouldn't look down on yourself. Because you know, nothing that happened could have gone any other way. You couldn't change the way you thought back then. And you still can't.

So if it WERE up to me, I'd definitely forgive you. But it's not up to me. It's up to YOU. All the things I say here are based on what I know about you so I'm probably wrong in like, everywhere, but just forgive yourself and if you regret being they way you've been, then change. And changing might be hard, but it's up to you if you really feel that way.

 

I'm sorry if you think I'm just saying this for the sake of being nice, but know that you should absolutely not think in any way that way.

I hope this helps you, somehow. I feel for you.

Youre amazing. Honestly, there are so many people who go through life never seeing the flaws in themselves, and that really is a wonderful gift. It gives you more opportunities than you realize, because you can do something about them. You dont want to believe you can change, but the tools are there waiting for you to do something with them.

 

I dont think youll be the doctor, but who wants to be exactly like someone else. I hide behind the name Loki but Ill never be badass as him. Shoot, like youre friend Im bipolar and use my namesake to cover for me if I forget to take my medication. But the best person to be is the best yourself, and if there is a part of yourself you dont like, then work on it. Your intrapersonal skills is great, but you need work on your interpersonal skills. Its never easy. You hurt people, embarrass yourself and whatnot. We all do that and thats how you learn. Dont fear it but move forward. Even the doctor returns in another season in a new form. I hope when you leave your old friends and start the next stage of your life, you'll be in a form that you can be proud of. Just work on it.

 

Gods, I sound like hallmark card. Ill need to be a jerk for a while to balance this out.

But saying you'll end up with nothing is pushing it a little.

You gotta get in your head that you're NOT the Doctor and your life won't be exactly like his no matter what.

I have anger problems too, actually. I've learned to maintain calm in the last couple of years though. Friends might not last forever, but you will AWAYS have someone who loves you and sorry if this is being cheesy but it's as truthful as it gets. There is no freaking way a person will end up with no friends/loved ones so you won't end up alone, and I'm being honest here. Even if you lose friends you'll most likely make more later.

And even thought you told us not to say it, Dude, you can change your future as long as you're aware of it. And that's something I'm glad I realized.

Here's my opinion, you shouldn't look down on yourself. Because you know, nothing that happened could have gone any other way. You couldn't change the way you thought back then. And you still can't.

So if it WERE up to me, I'd definitely forgive you. But it's not up to me. It's up to YOU. All the things I say here are based on what I know about you so I'm probably wrong in like, everywhere, but just forgive yourself and if you regret being they way you've been, then change. And changing might be hard, but it's up to you if you really feel that way.

 

Well I know my life won't be exactly like his. Although I would like to regenerate, it'd be pretty damn cool to be honest. I mean, a whole new body and personality yet you still have your memories from your previous body. Pretty awesome if you ask me. But yeah if my life was just like his then I'd be pissing my pants scared from all the aliens.

 

And yes, I do want to change, but it's honestly a bit hard with the environment I'm in. I'm expected to act a certain way because I've acted the same way the entire time span I've lived in the town. I'm hoping that once I go off to college and be surrounded by a whole new group of people I can change myself around. Which is something I'm really looking forward to. I'm just gonna need someone who can kick my butt from time-to-time to get my ass into gear. Because I know when the time comes I'll try to hide under my bed in fear. So yeah someone will have to help me with that.

 

Youre amazing. Honestly, there are so many people who go through life never seeing the flaws in themselves, and that really is a wonderful gift. It gives you more opportunities than you realize, because you can do something about them. You dont want to believe you can change, but the tools are there waiting for you to do something with them.

 

I dont think youll be the doctor, but who wants to be exactly like someone else. I hide behind the name Loki but Ill never be badass as him. Shoot, like youre friend Im bipolar and use my namesake to cover for me if I forget to take my medication. But the best person to be is the best yourself, and if there is a part of yourself you dont like, then work on it. Your intrapersonal skills is great, but you need work on your interpersonal skills. Its never easy. You hurt people, embarrass yourself and whatnot. We all do that and thats how you learn. Dont fear it but move forward. Even the doctor returns in another season in a new form. I hope when you leave your old friends and start the next stage of your life, you'll be in a form that you can be proud of. Just work on it.

 

Gods, I sound like hallmark card. Ill need to be a jerk for a while to balance this out.

 

I'm an introvert, always have. But I know that's not an excuse to not try to become a little more social. My friends are the kind of people to go and hang out anywhere and everywhere after school and on the weekends. They've all been really close friends for a long time, way before I even entered the friend group. They all like to go to the school dances, and I've never been to one. Never felt the need to. And it's hard on me to do so because my parents know me as this person that prefers to stay home most of the time. If I even change my routine a bit, my mom tries to find out if something traumatic happened and inspect every detail of my life. Then there's my dad that tries to joke about it and the jokes are rather stupid and hurt a bit. So I like to avoid situations like those.

 

But like I said to Kinode, I want to change, but I feel like I really need to get out of the environment I'm in right now in order to do so. And I'll need someone to remind me to get my ass into gear.

 

 

When you run with the Doctor, it feels like it'll never end. But however hard you try you can't run forever. But I do think that all the skies of all the worlds might just turn dark if he ever, for one moment, accepts it.

We're all just stories in the end. Just make it a good one.

 

And yes, I do want to change, but it's honestly a bit hard with the environment I'm in. I'm expected to act a certain way because I've acted the same way the entire time span I've lived in the town. I'm hoping that once I go off to college and be surrounded by a whole new group of people I can change myself around. Which is something I'm really looking forward to. I'm just gonna need someone who can kick my butt from time-to-time to get my ass into gear. Because I know when the time comes I'll try to hide under my bed in fear. So yeah someone will have to help me with that.

 

 

 

I know exactly how that feels. Honestly I can't say it can be done from a day to the other.

College will be a great opportunity for this. I hope all goes well.

Ivan ilu okay I always will because you're my moirail and I don't what else to say other than I have your back because you got mine and ilu okay.

I'm bad at comforting people ieugf4t

I've honestly never seen you say or do anything out of line. I know we don't know each other very well, but I've never thought of you as mean, angry, or as someone who struggles with relationships. You don't come across that way. I've always thought of you as rashional and nice. I'm not just yanking your chain, either.

 

As Kinode pointed out, a lot of those things aren't uncommon. I think everyone has that god-complex. Everyone wants to be a superhero and save the world. That's why people become doctors, join the military, travel as missionaries, ect. They want to help everybody, to save everybody and to be admired. It's not just you, babe, it's all of us.

 

I don't know what to say about the Doctor Who thing. I haven't watched it, nor do I know very much about it. But everyone's been obsessed with or had a role model like that at least once in their lives. Heck, my brother used to eat, sleep, and breathe Transformers. He'd re-watch the movies and the cartoon over and over and over again. And I'll be perfectly honest, he didn't choose the best rolemodels. But it hasn't changed him into a bad person or anything.

 

As for your friendships, I'm sorry that you've had so much trouble. I won't sugar coat--that sucks. But I'm going to say that's probably somewhat normal too. I know it sounds weird, but this honestly happens a lot. Kids are friends for a long time, and hit a point that suddenly they're always angry and fighting with each other, which used to be so rare for them. Then they don't ever really talk again. Happened to me and plenty of my current friends. You just eventually hit that point where either you don't see eye-to-eye anymore, or one of you's maturity level suddenly develops. I'm sorry you've struggled so much, and I hope stuff gets better. It's horrible to know that you appear really sweet and honest and then think this way about yourself.

 

I've seen your pictures and you're beautiful. I've seen your posts and you're kind and level-headed. I think you make an excellent mod, and that you're a good person. I think the majority of what you're experiencing is normal for people in general. Who doesn't want to be admired or to be feared, or to sometimes have a bad mood carry over to being mean to innocent people? It's entirely normal, Ivan. And I know you probably don't believe it, but I think so. I'm honestly not the greatest at comforting people, so I hope this at least helped out a little. Good luck, and if you need someone to talk to, I'm usually on IM.

I'll keep this short.

 

Its time for you to get out of the box. Its not change to be something or someone. Its being who you are and do what you have to do anyway. Love yourself before loving someone else.

Nobody is

Perfect

 

You can change.

​Your not selfish.

Your not a bitch.

You like being feared.

So what? I love being feared.

"I probably don't even deserve to be a mod."

Nope that nothing more but a lie.

I started going nuts this summer. YOU! Was the one who told me to calm down. I forget the rest of the things you told me. But I do know. YOU Where the one who tried to calm me down.

And you are one of my fav mods.

"I lash out at innocent people"

Go see a school counselor for help. You Can Change. Change the way you Act But not who you are.

Sorry if I'm not helping.