okay, some quick author's notes

i have no idea what being a trans* individual is like (except for experiencing minor body dysphoria) so this probably isn't very accurate (but then again, different people experience different things)

as well, i intend to have romance in this, so i am warning you now, if you are not okay with boy/boy, girl/girl pairings, leave.

also the title is sort of a WIP not sure if i want to keep this one. was meant to refer to Riku discovering/realizing what he actually is , sort of like waking up?

enjoy I guess???

 

 

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Ch. 1

 

The importance of being comfortable in your own skin is great. No one will be happy if they feel out of place in their own body. Some people have it easy. They happily take advantage of their supposed good looks and have no negative feelings towards their appearance whatsoever. Others it's a bit difficult. Their noses are too big, their eyes are too small, they aren't skinny enough, they are too skinny, they're too short, too tall, too pale, too dark, the list goes on and on, but they learn to deal with it. But for some, it isn't quite that simple.

Actually it's quite complicated.

For some, it's not just simply being born with a big nose or small eyes or an ugly birthmark on their face. Some are just born into the wrong body.

 

Riku never felt quite right. The dresses and skirts she was forced to wear felt uncomfortable against her skin and the braids and scrunchies and flowers her mom put in her hair as a kid infuriated her. Every article of clothing she had felt weird and she didn't like it a bit.

Hitting puberty was probably the most awful thing for Riku. It wasn't the awkwardness of going through it, it was the end result. To many, she would've been seen as blessed. Wide hips and C cup boobs, most girls were jealous of her for being an early bloomer.

But it was hell for Riku. She looked at her womanly figured and hated every inch of it, hated how out of place she felt and how it looked like a body that did not belong to her.

However the attention she got from boys was nice. They flocked to her and she dated one or two. But despite how much she liked them, she felt weird. It just didn’t feel right.

Nothing ever felt right. It wasn’t just a matter of not liking girly clothing. Actually, she thought all the clothes she had were quite pretty. A mix of flowery patterns, bold colors, frilly blouses, lovely skirts and dresses and nice jeans. But when she put them on, it didn’t feel like her. She didn’t like the way they accentuated her curves, the way they made her look like a woman. Even the two pairs of jeans she had felt weird, despite having argued with her mother for them, hoping she’d feel a lot better in them. They were just as bad. Hip hugging and made her look just as much as a girl.

Girl. Woman. She. Lady. Her. Words Riku hated to be called. It made her feel even more out of place in her own body. It made her confusion worse. It made her just hate who she was.

Riku was seventeen years old and hated who she was. So when she was eighteen and out of the house, she decided to be someone else. Or, rather, Riku decided he was finally going be who he actually was.

That was really good! No criticisn whatsoever. I'm going to be following this story...

I like it! Can't wait to read more

I liked it!!!

I gotta say I was quite surprised with the idea of Riku being a trangender boy- Girl- boygirl; idek

This should be interesting; I'll follow this!

Is this alternate universe or are you going to relate it to the original story?

 

I like where this is going btw. Haha I don't mind girl/girl at all.

 

Boy/boy, a little, but the story sounds great so far. I can get over it.

Edited April 16, 201213 yr by Sky Heart

I like it a lot 8D I cant wait.

Is this alternate universe or are you going to relate it to the original story?

 

I like where this is going btw. Haha I don't mind girl/girl at all.

 

Boy/boy, a little, but the story sounds great so far. I can get over it.

 

Alternate Universe, definitely, since i made Riku 18. Probably a college setting or something, I'm kind of just winging it (:

 

 

I gotta say I was quite surprised with the idea of Riku being a trangender boy- Girl- boygirl; idek

This should be interesting; I'll follow this!

 

transgender boy would be the term haha

 

 

thanks everyone i'll try to have another chapter up tonight??

I have feels.

Lame ass boring chapter.

Author's note: I don't really know how college works so INACCURACIES EVERYWHERE

also ze/hir are gender neutral pronouns and I would've used them when first introducing Sora, but I didn't want to until Riku found out he was genderfluid.

So have this big clusterfiretruck.

 

 

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Ch. 2

He had stumbled upon the wiki article in his last year of high school, trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with him. That article dispelled every feeling of loneliness. With one click, he knew why he felt so wrong and he knew that there were others like him.

He fell under the category ‘transgender’. There was nothing complicated about it, just simply born into the wrong sex.

He still felt awful that he had to be the girl he never was, but he felt relieved that finally everything made a lot more sense.

Once he was out of high school, he’d start his transitioning and go far far away from everyone he’d ever know. There wasn’t anything stopping him.

College was something to look forward to now. Not something he was dreading anymore, but something to be excited about.

The school he chose wasn’t huge or intimidating either. It was decently sized and it was very nice, lots of gardens, a big library, a fitness center, a coffee shop or two, and lots of other perks on campus. It was also a good 8 hours away from home, which was great since Riku’s mother would not be visiting very often, or ever at all. Meaning he was free to be who he was instead of being the little girl his mom always wanted.

The heart attack she would have when she saw her daughter was actually her son. That was something Riku did not want to face anytime soon. Or ever for that matter. He didn’t have the heart to tell her (really he was too scared to) and didn’t want to have her call him a freak of nature and try to send him to a psychiatric ward. Apparently it’s happened a lot to people like him and it did not seem too pleasant.

Everything was going to be as close to perfect as it could be.

When he filled out the housing applications for college however, he ran into a slight problem.

Like most universities, they were separated by gender. Riku did not want to suffer being misgendered and being seen as a girl for another 4 years. He was not a girl and therefore it was not appropriate for him to room with a girl.

He lucked out. One phone call and a hush explanation while his mom was away at work had his gender changed on his school records. They asked no questions and Riku was grateful for that.

So now happily Riku walked into the male dormitories, bags in tow and boxes in his arms, chest bound with wide ace bandages, wearing a sweatshirt and loose, comfortable jeans. His hair was put up in a ponytail, the long silver locks being the only thing he actually liked about himself before starting his transition.

Very few guys were in the hallways, too preoccupied moving into their own rooms to notice Riku, which he was glad about. Although his figure was a lot more masculine looking, his face was not quite up to par. It wasn’t easy to make his feminine facial features look masculine, even with the help of video tutorials and makeup. Hopefully everyone would think he was just a very girly looking guy and he wouldn’t get any questions or weird stares.

He found his room, dorm 413 and knocked before going in, on the chance his roommate was already there.

“Come in,” a voice replied. Guess he was there.

The door was slightly ajar so he pushed it open with his arm, careful to not drop any of his things.

His roommate was attractive.

Unnaturally spiky blonde hair, blue eyes and short from what Riku could see. He was laying on one of the beds, bouncing a ball back and forth against the ceiling, having already claimed the left side of the room.

“Yo.” Riku tried his best to sound manly, or at least not to sound like a girl. He didn’t have a too terribly high pitched feminine voice (thank goodness), but he definitely did not sound like an eighteen year old guy. So he tried his best and hoped no one would ever notice.

“I-I’m Riku.” firetruck stuttering.

His roommate stopped bouncing the ball and looked at him with the most uninterested expression on his face.

Riku tensed up a bit. He definitely noticed something was up. Definitely. firetruck firetruck firetruck firetruck.

“The name’s Roxas.” He gave Riku another look and then returned to tossing the ball back and forth.

The room dorm was small. Two twin beds on the left and right of the room, a small dresser on both sides, one closet (on Riku’s side), one desk (on Roxas’s side) and a mini fridge and coffee maker that were probably Roxas’s on his side as well.

Riku put his things on his bed, unpacking his clothes into the dresser first. He couldn’t help but feel relieved when there wasn’t a sign of a skirt or dress, even though he had already known there wouldn’t be. After an hour or so, he was finished, not having many things to unpack. Roxas was gone, having left after a half hour of uncomfortable silence.

The contrast between both sides was significant, Roxas’s looking darker and more cluttered with the extra appliances and posters he had up and the maroon bed sheets. Riku’s looked plain and empty, with a few books tossed onto his dresser, pale blue bed sheets and a calendar on the wall next the his dresser. Riku hid his more personal belongings in the back of the closet (because Roxas hadn’t touched it), a box of feminine clothing for when his mom did decide to visit being one of them.

He sighed and threw himself on his bed, his binding starting to feel uncomfortable. He didn’t want to undo it, not knowing when Roxas would be back, plus he hated the feeling of his unbound chest. He hated his breasts and his vagina, knowing that that is what made him a woman to others, knowing that to many, no matter if he got his gender officially changed, no matter if he started taking testosterone, no matter if he got top and bottom surgery, he’d still be a woman, a freak especially, to others.

After a few more minutes of lonely, agonizing silence Riku decided he needed to get out and do something. Anything. Make friends. Make enemies. Socialize. At least eat or something. His stomach was practically eating itself.

He headed to the campus café, which was crowded and overflowing with people, a lot of them talking like old friends, which most probably were. The noise inside gave him a headache so he grabbed some food, a slice of pizza, and headed out to the tables outdoors. It was late in the afternoon and a nice day, but hardly anyone was out. There were a few groups of friends scattered, a lot of them smoking and laughing like idiots, but it was a lot more bearable than inside.

He spotted Roxas, talking with some other people, a brunette and a guy with hair as red as fire. Just as he saw him, Roxas looked up and noticed him as well. With what seemed like a smile (or a scowl, Riku really couldn’t tell), he waved him over.

Despite wanting to make friends, Riku was now scared out of his wits. Social interaction had never been a problem before. But before he was an attractive, ‘popular’ girl so people flocked to him. This was different. He was finally who he was meant to be (or at least in the process of it) and who he was terrified of talking to others all of a sudden.

His stomach twisted up into knots, anxiety overtaking him.

He managed to walk over; dumping his untouched food in a trash can on his way, feeling too sick to actually eat anymore.

“Yo, Riku, you looked lonely over there.” Roxas smirked and motioned for him to sit down next to the brunette.

“Guys, this is my roommate, Riku.” He sounded a lot more relaxed than before as he introduced him to his friends. Riku sort of shrunk into his sweatshirt, feeling a bit embarrassed and uncomfortable, stomach knotting up even more at the thought that they would see right through him.

The worry of being found out and attacked, the worry that people would insist he is a girl when they found out, the worry of being outcasted, just worrying and worrying made Riku feel sicker and sicker, not sure if he would be able to bear it if it ever happened.

“Hi Riku, I’m Sora!” The brunette smiled wide. “I’m Roxas’s twin!”

Riku’s stomach settled and his heart didn’t feel like it wasn’t going to burst out. No one said anything. No one seemed to notice anything. He was in the clear. He was okay.

He finally had a good look at the brunette, not even being able to tell if the person was a boy or a girl.

Sora definitely did not look like Roxas. They had similar eyes, but Sora’s were more lively and happier. As well, Sora had a more childish face and dark brown hair. Even the spikes in Sora’s hair were different.

The kid’s attire was a plain skirt with leggings and a tshirt of a band Riku never heard of. Sora definitely had a flat chest, but didn’t seem mean to mind it so the possibility of Sora being a m-t-f was out.

Riku wasn’t sure what to make of Sora.

“Ah, so you’re the poor guy rooming with this sour puss?” The redhead pointed at Roxas who gave a scowl. “Just give him some weed and he’ll loosen up. I’m Axel by the way.”

Riku gave a small laugh, interrupted from his thoughts. Weed. That explained why Roxas was so mellowed out right now. It reeked of the stuff so there was no doubt they had been smoking a while ago.

“I’ve never seen you, are you from out of town?” Sora asked curiously, looking intently at him.

“Yeah, I lived about 8 hours away from here in a small town no one’s ever heard of.”

“Then why did you come to another small town that no one’s ever heard of? I mean if you’re going to get out, might as well go to a big city.” Axel chuckled. “Most of us here are locals who couldn’t get out of this stupid place anyways.”

“I like small towns… I just didn’t want to stay in mine.” Riku looked down, feeling even more uncomfortable with Sora staring at him.

“Sounds reasonable.”

They sat around in a uncomfortable silence, Sora still staring at Riku, Axel rolling a blunt and Roxas watching the redhead. The two unspokenly decided to go off and smoke, probably assuming Riku would mind if they did it around him. Sora seemed to have no interest.

Riku started feeling sick again, wondering if the reason Sora was staring at him was because he knew something was up.

“What are your preferred pronouns?”

The question startled Riku. He’d never heard that before. It was an odd question, but at least someone cared enough to ask before referring to him to something he wasn’t.

But that definitely meant Sora knew he was trans*. From the looks of it, Sora didn’t care.

“He, his, him.”

“Okay, I thought so! I just wanted to ask because I didn’t want you to get dysphoric if I called you by the wrong pronoun. Though I probably should’ve assumed you used male pronouns since you are Roxas’s roommate and he’s a guy too and you know how the dorm arrangements are.”

The way Sora talked about it so casually calmed Riku down. He was surprised someone was concerned of making him feel dysphoric.

“My preferred pronouns are ze, hir by the way!”

The surprised look on Riku’s face made ze giggle.

“I’m genderfluid, so I like gender neutral pronouns, but it won’t bother me if you call me he or him by accident.”

The concept of genderfluidity wasn’t completely foreign to Riku. He just didn’t think there were actually people like that. Openly like that at least.

But here Sora was, chatting up about preferred pronouns and the fact that he is genderqueer, not really caring.

“How do you deal with it?” Riku shyly asked. He was oblivious as to how Sora managed to be so open and confident.

“Deal with what?”

“Don’t you get weird looks or stares or have people try to tell you something you’re not?”

“Sometimes, I do. Everyone thinks I’m weird, but I don’t think so. I just want to be comfortable with who I am. Sometimes I’m a girl and sometimes I’m a boy and sometimes I’m both and sometimes I’m neither, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. It’s what makes me happy anyways, so in the end I don’t care what others think.”

Ze gave Riku a wide smile.

“You just need to be sure of yourself and if anyone causes you trouble or tries to tell you what to do and who to be, just remember that the only person that should matter is you.”

It was weird. All of his worries and fears just seemed to slowly disappear, hearing hir talk. It was nice to meet someone who was so comfortable in hir own skin, despite being different. It was really nice to meet someone who was in a similar place as him and handled it with a smile and radiating confidence.

Riku was grateful to have met Sora.

“Thank you.” The words slipped out, Riku had been thinking them with no intention of saying them, but there they were. He wasn’t exactly sure why he was thanking him. Maybe it was for hir chatter just taking up the awkward silence. Or maybe it was for hir smile that was contagious and made Riku smile as well. Or maybe it was just because ze reassured Riku of himself and accepted and understood him. Or maybe it was everything.

Whatever it was, Sora seemed to get why.

“No problem, what are friends for?

: ooo

Still following this story no matter how far it goes.

!! I love this story

This is more about Sora and the end is kind of the same as chapter 2, but in Sora's point of view, kinda? w/e

If I accidently put a he/him/his instead of a ze/hir/hirs, please point it out so I can fix it.

 

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Ch 3.

 

Sora was an odd child. Ze was loud and outgoing and while most boys stayed away from girls and things that were deemed ‘girly’ by society, Sora threw caution to the wind and did whatever ze wanted. Ze played with boys and ze played with girls and ze had ‘girl’ toys and ze had ‘boy’ toys and ze was carefree and liked by most of hirs classmates when ze was young.

Hirs parents understood, actually even more than just understood they knew that Sora wasn’t strictly a boy when ze was little. They knew ze wasn’t strictly a girl either. They accommodated hir so. They looked up gender neutral pronouns and they complied whenever ze would want something more girl oriented or something more boy oriented, without worrying a bit. They let hir wear dresses if ze wanted to and tutus with Power Ranger tshirts. Sora had Barbie dolls and toy cars and he had dinosaurs and princess coloring books. Somedays ze would call hirself a boy and other days a girl. Most of the kids hirs age didn’t really see anything odd. When ze was a boy, they called hir ‘he’ and when ze was a girl, they called hir ‘she’. They didn’t think it was weird, they just went with it.

But with age, things began to change. Parents did not like this ‘freak of nature’ hanging out with their kids. They felt threatened that Sora acted out of gender roles and hirs parents allowed it.

By the time middle school came around, instead of flocking to hir, most kids stayed away from hir, being scolded by their parents and told numerous times that ze wasn’t normal and that they should stay away.

Sora’s teachers weren’t accepting either. They ignored hirs parents wishes to address Sora as ze/hir/hirs and to not treat hir as a boy or a girl because that was how ze was called most of hirs life, and called hir ‘him’ or in one teacher’s case ‘it’.

Ze started to feel alienated and abnormal. The only person that would talk to hir was hirs brother, Roxas. Roxas would stand up for Sora whenever people spat nasty remarks at hir and usually would threaten them and get in lots of fights, which Sora did not like.

Sometimes, the older boys would gang up on Sora when Roxas wasn’t around, pushing hir and calling hir a ‘she-he’ or ‘tranny’. They would kick hir and spit in hir face and leave hir with bruises and cuts.

After a particularly nasty beating and failed attempts to get the school to do something about it, Sora’s parents pulled hir out of school to be home schooled at least until high school.

Even without Sora there, Roxas got into several fights trying to stand up for his sibling whenever rumours started or someone dared to say something about hir. He refused to be pulled out of school, no matter how much Sora and their parents begged, and continued to get himself in trouble throughout middle school.

When high school came along, Sora had regained most of hirs confidence and Roxas had gotten a bad reputation and a best friend named Axel who was the first person in a long time to not judge Sora.

Hirs parents didn’t like the idea of Sora going back to school, but they allowed hir to after a whole summer of begging.

Sora wasn’t worried when ze went back. Roxas and Axel assured hir that people wouldn’t firetruck with hir because scared the shit out of everyone who’d even think about messing with hir.

Surely enough, Sora had no problems. Hirs teachers called hir by his preferred pronouns and anyone who had a problem with hir didn’t voice it or show it, even when Sora came to school in a skirt or dress or wore some lipstick or mascara, which whenever ze did in middle school, everyone would give hir hell.

High school was good. Sora made a handful of friends who had at first only approached hir to ask hir why he acted and dressed the way ze did and why ze didn’t identify as strictly a boy or girl. Sora had simply told them that ze didn’t feel like only a boy or only a girl, ze felt different on different days and there were days where ze even felt like both or neither. Ze told them that ze didn’t want to be confined to a specific gender and hir parents encouraged hir to be who ze wanted. Some got it, some didn’t.

Despite being able to make friends again, Sora stuck by Roxas and Axel, having become pretty close to hir brother and his brother’s best friend. Sora would sit around and talk and laugh at them while they smoked weed and got drunk. Sometimes ze would join, but not often.

That’s how it was throughout high school and that how it began when they entered college.

Sora had gotten a room just to hirself, situated in the mixed dormitories where both guys and girls where housed, which ze was happy with.

After getting unpacked and adding some personal touches to hir dorm, Sora met up with Axel and Roxas outside of the school café. Axel and Roxas were smoking, like always, and ze sat down and listened to them talk about their roommates and classes.

“My roommate took one look at me and I swear, I’ve never seen someone so scared in his life! His name is Demyx or something like that and he has this lame sitar and a bunch of posters of David Bowie,” Axel said while he finished off his blunt.

“My roommate looks like he’s scared of everything. Awkward as hell. Good looking guy though.”

“Well Roxas, you have this hostile vibe whenever you’re not high off your firetrucking mind, so maybe he was just scared of you.” Sora laughed at Roxas’s scowl.

“Not all of us can be a big ball of sunshine Sora.” Roxas finished off his own blunt before looking up.

“Hey look, there’s my roommate now.”

He waved him over.

“Yo, Riku, you looked lonely over there.” Roxas smirked and motioned for him to sit down next to Sora

“Guys, this is my roommate, Riku.”

Sora looked at Riku and knew there was something… different about him? He looked uncomfortable and it probably didn’t help with Sora staring at him but ze couldn’t help hirself.

It would probably be a good idea to introduce hirself.

“Hi Riku, I’m Sora! I’m Roxas’s twin!”

Sora smiled, wondering why Riku was so nervous and reserved. Ze noticed that he looked at hir kind of weird, like he wasn’t sure what to think, but he didn’t particularly look disgusted or anything. Just confused.

“Ah, so you’re the poor guy rooming with this sour puss? Just give him some weed and he’ll loosen up. I’m Axel by the way.”

Riku gave a small laugh, and it sounded strained to Sora.

“I’ve never seen you, are you from out of town?”

“Yeah, I lived about 8 hours away from here in a small town no one’s ever heard of.”

Riku’s voice was feminine and that was what Sora first noticed.

“Then why did you come to another small town that no one’s ever heard of? I mean if you’re going to get out, might as well go to a big city.” Axel chuckled. “Most of us here are locals who couldn’t get out of this stupid place anyways.”

“I like small towns… I just didn’t want to stay in mine.”

“Sounds reasonable.”

It wasn’t until after Axel and Roxas went off for another smoke for Sora to realize hir staring probably made Riku uncomfortable and wondered if ze should ask Riku for his preferred pronouns. Maybe he didn’t like he/him/his.

“What are your preferred pronouns?”

Riku looked a bit shocked but answered anyways.

“He, his, him.”

“Okay, I thought so! I just wanted to ask because I didn’t want you to get dysphoric if I called you by the wrong pronoun. Though I probably should’ve assumed you used male pronouns since you are Roxas’s roommate and he’s a guy too and you know how the dorm arrangements are.”

Thinking about it, Sora probably should’ve just known he identified as a boy. He was rooming with Roxas after all.

“My preferred pronouns are ze, hir, hirs by the way!”

Ze giggled at the look on Riku’s face.

“I’m genderfluid, so I like gender neutral pronouns, but it won’t bother me if you call me he or him by accident.”

“How do you deal with it?” Riku’s voice was tiny and shy.

“Deal with what?”

“Don’t you get weird looks or stares or have people try to tell you something you’re not?”

“Sometimes, I do. Everyone thinks I’m weird, but I don’t think so. I just want to be comfortable with who I am. Sometimes I’m a girl and sometimes I’m a boy and sometimes I’m both and sometimes I’m neither, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. It’s what makes me happy anyways, so in the end I don’t care what others think.”

Sora gave him a wide smile. A lot of people asked hir the same question so ze already had an answer. It wasn’t rocket science. Sora didn’t care about what people thought anymore, ze wasn’t going to change for the comfort of others. Ze noticed how uncomfortable and unsure Riku was of himself however, so ze decided to add something else.

“You just need to be sure of yourself and if anyone causes you trouble or tries to tell you what to do and who to be, just remember that the only person that should matter is you.”

“Thank you.”

Sora grinned.

“No problem, what are friends for?”

Poopy chapter where Riku is a big butt

 

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Ch. 4

 

Sora is... odd, to say the least.

After several weeks of getting to know hir, Riku has picked up on some things.

First of all, ze talks with hir hands. A lot. How ze manages not to punch someone in the middle of hir ramblings is a mystery to Riku.

Ze talks a lot. If there is an awkward silence, Sora is sure to change that, launching into a story of some sort. Hir stories vary from things ze made up when ze was younger and things that happened to hir.

Riku quite enjoys Sora's stories while Axel and Roxas usually tune them out. He likes watching Sora's expressions change dramatically throughout the course of hir tale. He likes seeing hir eyes lighten up and eyebrows raise and lips curve into an adorable smile. He likes watching that expression change into a scowl, with Sora's eyebrows scrunched up together.

Sora isn’t very self conscious. Ze’s probably the most confident person Riku has met. The only thing that gets hir flustered is hir height.

Ze is about 5'1" and not getting any taller, a fact Axel likes to point out a lot. Sora tries to compensate by wearing lots of platform shoes and heels, but hir tallest pair make hir about 5’3” at the most. Anything above 2 inches makes it difficult for Sora to walk.

Sora has an impressive shoe collection, varying from regular tennis shoes to creepers to cute flats to sexy heels. Riku isn’t sure if he’s ever seen Sora wear the same pair of shoes twice.

Along with hir slight obsession with shoes, Sora is a sucker for classic literature. Ze has several copies of books like Wuthering Heights, Pride and Prejudice, East of Eden, and stuff that Riku never heard of, much less actually read and understand.

Lastly, Sora is a touchy person, which posed a problem for Riku at first, but he gradually got used to it. Ze will pull him into a tight hug and play with his hair and rest hir head on his shoulder and generally be very affectionate to not only Riku, but Axel and Roxas as well. It made Riku uncomfortable at first but after a week or two, he actually started doing the same. Hugging back and running his fingers through Sora’s brown hair when ze sometimes laid hir head in Riku’s lap.

He usually isn’t so open, but ze made him feel comfortable. He didn’t mind Sora’s constant company and constant chatter, and he liked it when ze would drop by his dorm to bother him.

Maybe the fact that they were in similar situations is why Riku felt at ease around hir. Or maybe it’s the developing crush he’s getting for the brunette.

The latter, frankly, is terrifying thought to Riku.

Romantic feelings were foreign to him and the fact that he might be having them for what he now considers his best friend, scared him. After all, how is one supposed to deal with these sort of feelings without ruining everything?