Ok, so this is letting you in on a big chunk of my life so please be nice...im letting you in on some things i normally refuse to share,,...you already know about the parents thingif not and you want to see
there you go,
, but ive struggled alot more then that. infact im still struggling, not with the people more the aftershocks..i just thought i would get this all off my chest so heres a little more about me.
im now a 19 year old girl liveing with my boyfreind jake, the parents thing is still a issue considering the fact, well when i was liveing with my parents, my mom would often pick the locks, be it to my bedroom, my bathroom (when i was showering)...she has the same habit and shes being a pain with it at times.(she still can be abusive as well)and if you want to know why jake doesnt do anything 1. hes not really much of a fighter 2. my mom and dad are verry big on apperances, she makes shure hes not around, noones really around then,
its not just my parents i was abused by i had a few extreamly bad teachers, the worst would be mrs grispino when i was 5 she was a abusive bitch, not just that she encoraged and rewarded the other kids for hurting me, (gave them cookies) i bit a girl (really hard actually she was bleeding and bruised up, our teacher claimed i was mentally unstable had me locked in a mental hospital (rather not get in to that part, i wasnt in there long ( a few days?) but i still get nightmares where im screaming/ crying in my sleep and i still have scars on my arms (faint ones you gotta know how to look..still))
ive been hurt by alot of other kids and bullies, my teachers my parents..
when i was 7 i started hurting myself pulling on my hair ( i nearly got baldspots i dont know how many times) i would slam myself or my head into things, i would tear at my face with my nails..bite my hands or suck on my knees..i used to be really anxious alot id shake like a leaf.
and as i gotten older i was hurting myself worse and worse, i burnt my hand on the stove once, i used to bug my cat till it cut me with its claws, stabbing or cutting myself...i was sneeky with it little ones, not to deep a little bit at a time, you dont know how much i planned that, it had to look like a axident so i wouldnt get in "trouble" i guess, it had to not be too deep so that id bleed to death i spent HOURS thinking about just how i was going to do it, and why? not a clue...when i was 15 it started turning suicidal, i couldnt see something without seeing how i could kill myself with it, mom had one of those old corded phones in the kitchen could i strangle myself with it, hang myself with the rope swing i made, take too much medicine, knifes sizzors and sharp things could stab i thought about it alot, i wanted to make shure i did it right and didnt have a failure attempt that left me perminatly scared for life like some of the storys i herd...at, 16 i actually tried, my freinds managed to find me in time though...guess i was lucky...
and i guess thats my secret,
im a self destructive girl, who has trouble controling her emotions sometimes, ill get randomly hysteric or angry or Depressed, and not really know why or what to do with myself. i always bounce out of it, return to being happy go lucky but it always comes back..
hell i use tea and sugar like its a drug, i love the shugar rushes, how i feel all happy and junk,i drown out my thoughts sometimes with my music i may not hurt myself anymore not on purpous at least (like sometimes ill pull my hair or bite my hand without thinking but theres no burning or cutting or stabbing or anything that extreame)
im a bit delusional at times, i think i see things that arent there sometimes there almost like flashbacks and i freak out, i probably need help but i dont want to end up in a mental hospital again...
its annoying really..for the most part im away from my parents away from everything that happend and yet i still feel like im trapped i think something is wrong with my head...but i dont know..