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Lu Xun's stories : What power can do with people

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I loved it I always love your stories Lu Xun you're really good at writing stories and this story is going to be epic can't wait for more and the first chapter was amazing! :D

awesome story,man......keep it up,kay? :D

I think what is most prominent in your story is your lack of description.

 

In a Kingdom, which for stranger could be considered a country, very far away, named “Grinela”, there was a royal family. A woman named Felicita was the Queen, a man named Vinty was the King, and they had a daughter and a son. The son was a boy named Elornad, and he had sixteen years, and the girl’s name was Mag, and she was only eleven years old.

Describe your characters a little. The colour or length of their hair or perhaps the shape or colour of their eyes. Little quirks they have like, for example when the Queen gets nervous does she do some particular gesture? What physical and behavioural traits did the King and Queen share with their children?

 

Everyone in the Kingdom knew how strong that item was. Three years ago -- a rebellion started, and Queen Felicita used the item’s magical powers to put an end to it. By just moving her hands, countless waves of water attacked the people who dared start that rebellion. The city which was hit by the waves was still a terrible place to live in now.

Add a little adjectives. What colour were the waves? (Obviously they were blue, but you get it.) Were they monstrous? Did they tower over people?

 

...which came from a country named Hintro,

Information like this should introduced at the beginning of the chapter/prologue/epilogue. And speaking of that, when you do describe Grinela, describe the setting. Was it mountainous? I get the impression it is near the ocean. What about Hintro? Did Hintro have mountains or was a country filled with fields and wild animals?

 

What is good about your writing (and the introduction) is the clarity. The reader can clearly understand what's going on by reading a sentence just once, something that impresses me because I know English is not your maternal language, Lu Xun. Your grammar, spelling and punctuation seem fine as well. Otherwise, I can find no faults in this story. Keep it up! http://kh13.com/forum/public/style_emoticons/default/happy.png

  • Author

My goal for describing just a bit, is to get the rest of the description as the story goes. Telling everything now would not make let me do any surprises :)

 

Otherwise, thanks guys :) Second chapter might come today!

Only criticism is what TheAprrentice said, but if you did that on purpose never mind. Anyway, nice story so far:)

Excellent! I see no problems in the story, I am anticipating the second chapter! Suprises are what stories are all about man! Great job on building up suspense, it really tied me in as a reader, and as a college student I must say I am impressed with your writing!

This is pretty good...

You're an awesome writer, very nice story!

I enjoyed it...and there arent too many stories that i have enjoyed...

YOUR NERD! xD This is really good! Wanna write a essay for my Portuguese class? :D

Keep it up! ;D

Very well done! Although I agree that it would be nice to get a physical description of the characters and the setting, I really liked the story so far and I think you've done a good job with balancing out the nearly limitless power of the artifact. I can tell that there are a lot of different little things going on and I can't wait to see how it all works together to move the story forward! Great job!

Awsome story man!!!

 

I love ancient stories about kings and queens!!!

 

Keep up, your awsome work.

I luve your work.

Ah, interesting setting. Good potential for a story.

The idea with the queen is cool. I'm looking forward to seeing how the story progresses.

Wow, nice character development. I appreciate the first hand accounts of what is going on with the people she cursed. The queen is, well, creepy. I can't tell how much of what she's saying is the crystal and how much is her. I guess that's the point though. Good job, keep it up!

Um...yeah I like the heartless now..so yeah.

Cool, can't wait for more! :D

intresting story

Wow, great story so far. The Queen reminds me of Smeagol, but powerful.

 

How many chapters are you planning?

YAY! u tryed my idea :P

awesome,man......make it this story extra-vaganza! :D

Good writing, keep it up!

  • 1 year later...

I like it so far. The execution of the family was pretty heavy, but a good way to show how far the queen would go. “Gate to Hell” Another awesome name.

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