It's more of a story but,"Hey,I'm a pirate and I want your booty"she laughs and walks away "Idiot" friends say "She turns my software to hardware bro" girl returns "Give me some lotion and I'll put your body in motion".............Thank you videogames and my friend Josh for coming up with this

Fool. The longest joke ever was a nice joke. But I also really like this one.

 

What's green and smells like yellow paint?

 

 

green paint

 

Why did the chicken cross the road?

 

-Chicken spaghetti

 

 

 

 

 

yes I realize this is not funny whatsoever but when I told it my sister and I were laughing on and off for the next 10 hours, and it still continues to be an inside joke of ours today

So up in heaven the saint at the gate starts telling the souls in line that they're only getting in if they have an interesting story about how they die since heaven is getting too full. The first guy steps up and says "Alright, so I decided to head home early from work one day since I suspected my wife of cheating on me. I got to the 25th floor of my apartment building where I live, hurried inside, and saw my wife naked on the bed. So I started searching around frantically hoping to find the bastard! I looked in the bathroom, the living room, in the closet, just about everywhere! Then I finally found him, hanging naked off the balcony. So I started hitting his hands trying to get him to fall. He wouldn't let go. So I hurried inside, grabbed a hammer and bashed on his fingers. But the lucky jackass fell into some bushes below and survived! So I went inside, grabbed the fridge and dropped it on his ass. I died from the strain of lifting the fridge." The saint says "HA! Man that was great! Go on in buddy." The second guy steps up and says "Alright, so I was up in my apartment on the 26th floor of my building. I had just got done getting a shower and decided to step out for some fresh air. I hadn't gotten dressed yet and I ended up accidentally falling off my balcony! Luckily I caught onto the balcony on the floor below mine. Then some idiot comes out and starts bashing on my hands! I fell into the bushes below and thought I'd be safe, but then the asshole drops a fridge on me! So, now I'm here." The saint says "Hahahaha! Not bad man, go on in." The third guy in line steps up and says "Alright, picture me naked and in a refrigerator..."

 

Edited January 24, 201411 yr by Queen Tery

My grandmother was a huge believer in the zodiak. She was a cancer, and she was actually killed by a giant crab

life is easy.

"We love you, son"

WHAT IS JESUS'S POOP CALLED

HOLY SHIT LOL 

It's more of a story but,"Hey,I'm a pirate and I want your booty"she laughs and walks away "Idiot" friends say "She turns my software to hardware bro" girl returns "Give me some lotion and I'll put your body in motion".............Thank you videogames and my friend Josh for coming up with this

The pirate booty thing was in a Victorious song.The funniest joke I have ever heard is:That I was nice

So up in heaven the saint at the gate starts telling the souls in line that they're only getting in if they have an interesting story about how they die since heaven is getting too full. The first guy steps up and says "Alright, so I decided to head home early from work one day since I suspected my wife of cheating on me. I got to the 25th floor of my apartment building where I live, hurried inside, and saw my wife naked on the bed. So I started searching around frantically hoping to find the bastard! I looked in the bathroom, the living room, in the closet, just about everywhere! Then I finally found him, hanging naked off the balcony. So I started hitting his hands trying to get him to fall. He wouldn't let go. So I hurried inside, grabbed a hammer and bashed on his fingers. But the lucky jackass fell into some bushes below and survived! So I went inside, grabbed the fridge and dropped it on his ass. I died from the strain of lifting the fridge." The saint says "HA! Man that was great! Go on in buddy." The second guy steps up and says "Alright, so I was up in my apartment on the 26th floor of my building. I had just got done getting a shower and decided to step out for some fresh air. I hadn't gotten dressed yet and I ended up accidentally falling off my balcony! Luckily I caught onto the balcony on the floor below mine. Then some idiot comes out and starts bashing on my hands! I fell into the bushes below and thought I'd be safe, but then the asshole drops a fridge on me! So, now I'm here." The saint says "Hahahaha! Not bad man, go on in." The third guy in line steps up and says "Alright, picture me naked and in a refrigerator..."

 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^THIS^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Funniest joke I've ever heard? My life.

Uh...well, I don't have a joke really, but I did have a funny conversation the other day.

 

My friend walks up to me, and says, "I have a question to ask you!" I turn to him, saying "Yes?" He replies with, "7." Kinda just going with it, I reply "24," and walk off. He starts following me, and says, "How could you say that to my face!? That directly offends my religion! I want you to face me right now, and apologize." Messing around, I say, "82." The look on his face was a mix of surprise and sorrow.

 

P.S. It wasn't meant to be offensive to him. And he knew this. We were just being funny.

@VenRox you got that from Bo Burnham

This is a dirty joke, but I personally don't think it's TOO bad to share.

 

 

There is a man driving down the road, and eventually he sees a sign that says, "Apples $10 each". The man asked himself, "Why would someone sell apples at such a high price?"

 

Out of curiosity, the man pulls over to where the stand is and asks the other man there, "What's so special about these apples?"

 

"These apples tastes just like peanut butter and jelly," the man at the stand replies.

 

The man is offered a free sample, and takes a bite out of one side of the apple. "Wow! This taste like peanut butter."

 

"Turn it around," the man selling the apples then says.

 

The man does this, and takes another bite out of the other side. "This side taste like jelly!"

 

Afterwards, the man buys a bunch of the apples and heads down the road once again. HE sees another sign that says "Apples $20 each". The man goes, "Why are these apples more expensive than the other ones?"

 

Once again, he pulls over and asks the man at the stand about the price, and the other man says, "These apples tastes just like women."

 

"That's impossible," the man replies. He is given another free sample to see for himself. He takes a bite out of the apple, but immediately spits it out. "This tastes like crap!"

 

"Turn it around."

My uncle asked his IPhone tell me a dirty joke and it said "I can't or you might soil yourself".....then he said "You're not supplying my needs" and his phone calls his ex girlfriend

This is a dirty joke, but I personally don't think it's TOO bad to share.  There is a man driving down the road, and eventually he sees a sign that says, "Apples $10 each". The man asked himself, "Why would someone sell apples at such a high price?" Out of curiosity, the man pulls over to where the stand is and asks the other man there, "What's so special about these apples?" "These apples tastes just like peanut butter and jelly," the man at the stand replies. The man is offered a free sample, and takes a bite out of one side of the apple. "Wow! This taste like peanut butter." "Turn it around," the man selling the apples then says. The man does this, and takes another bite out of the other side. "This side taste like jelly!" Afterwards, the man buys a bunch of the apples and heads down the road once again. HE sees another sign that says "Apples $20 each". The man goes, "Why are these apples more expensive than the other ones?" Once again, he pulls over and asks the man at the stand about the price, and the other man says, "These apples tastes just like women." "That's impossible," the man replies. He is given another free sample to see for himself. He takes a bite out of the apple, but immediately spits it out. "This tastes like crap!" "Turn it around."

I honestly...don't get it

I honestly...don't get it

 

I probably shouldn't explain it to you, then.

I probably shouldn't explain it to you, then.

With consideration of the warning you gave preceding the 'joke'...you're probably right.

So up in heaven the saint at the gate starts telling the souls in line that they're only getting in if they have an interesting story about how they die since heaven is getting too full. The first guy steps up and says "Alright, so I decided to head home early from work one day since I suspected my wife of cheating on me. I got to the 25th floor of my apartment building where I live, hurried inside, and saw my wife naked on the bed. So I started searching around frantically hoping to find the bastard! I looked in the bathroom, the living room, in the closet, just about everywhere! Then I finally found him, hanging naked off the balcony. So I started hitting his hands trying to get him to fall. He wouldn't let go. So I hurried inside, grabbed a hammer and bashed on his fingers. But the lucky jackass fell into some bushes below and survived! So I went inside, grabbed the fridge and dropped it on his ass. I died from the strain of lifting the fridge." The saint says "HA! Man that was great! Go on in buddy." The second guy steps up and says "Alright, so I was up in my apartment on the 26th floor of my building. I had just got done getting a shower and decided to step out for some fresh air. I hadn't gotten dressed yet and I ended up accidentally falling off my balcony! Luckily I caught onto the balcony on the floor below mine. Then some idiot comes out and starts bashing on my hands! I fell into the bushes below and thought I'd be safe, but then the asshole drops a fridge on me! So, now I'm here." The saint says "Hahahaha! Not bad man, go on in." The third guy in line steps up and says "Alright, picture me naked and in a refrigerator..."

 

I was gonna post the same joke i laughed about this for like a week straight

Okay, so little jimmy sees his grandfather smoking a cigarette and asks if he can have one. The grandfather says "can your penis reach your butt yet?" And jimmy says no, so his grandfather says no. The next day, jimmy sees his grandfather drinking alcohol, and asks if he can have some. His grandfather says "can your penis reach your butt" and jimmy says no, so his grandfather says no. The next day, jimmy is eating cookies and his grandfather asks if he can have one, so jimmy says "can your penis reach your butt" Jimmy's grandfather says yes, so them jimmy says "then go fvck yourself, these are my cookies"

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "calm down, I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone the guy asks "OK now what?"

i laughed so much when I first heard this joke

Funniest joke I ever heard? Oh that's easy it's called kairi

just kidding. (Kinda but anyway)

Idk it counts as a joke, but whatever. It's a inside joke with me and my friends. you know that song cannaible by kesha? Well like when me and my friends sing it instead of saying I'm a cannaible cannaible cannaible we say: I AM CAT NIPPLE CAT NIPPLE CAT NIPPLE. Its funny to me ok.

Mine is kinda dirty and insulting . 

 

 

-What does a blonde do if she's not in bed by 10 p.m.?

-She goes home .

 

No offense to blond people .

"Hey you wanna play catch the knife?" says a girl "Sure" says another girl...gun shot heard "Man I suck at this game" girl looking down at the dead body with a gun in her hand.......

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